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I am Bi-Polar/Manic Depressive. (I suffer from a mental illness called Cyclothymia.) Options · View
stephanie
Posted: Saturday, June 09, 2012 1:13:30 PM

Rank: Bohemian

Joined: 1/1/2010
Posts: 5,331
Location: Dublin, Ire., Ireland
I am Bi-Polar/Manic Depressive. (I suffer from a mental illness called Cyclothymia.)

I have lived with this condition all my life. I was diagnosed in my early 20s, but the 'treatment' of the condition, in my case the use of the drug lithium, I found less than helpful. The drug did indeed stabilise my moods, but in doing so seemed to rob me of my very personality, turning me into a kind of zombie. On lithium, I found I lost my sense of humour, my creative drive, my joy in just being alive, my very sense of self. I currently take no meds for my illness.

Manic Depressives, for those unfamiliar with the illness, outwardly and often appear perfectly normal. However, the internal relationship of the Manic Depressive to his or her own being is frequently very deluding and destructive. One can be, in one's own mind, at one moment the most beautiful and brilliant creature who has ever lived. At other moments, one can be so self-hating and so much in emotional pain that the ending of one's own life seems only sensible.

Cyclothymia is a very serious mental condition. 20% of people who have it die from it. They kill themselves. Myself, I have never seriously attempted suicide, (I never actually made the cut...) yet the idea is never very far away when I am in a 'black' period. I try to ignore those voices, those thoughts.... BUT they are MY thoughts.... It's terribly difficult.

People like me very often use drugs and alcohol to attempt to 'calm the demons'. It works to a degree, in that self-medication CAN alleviate the symptoms, but of course that self-medication brings its own problems.

One of the strangest things about my mental illness is that it enables me to do things that feel I could NEVER do were I a 'normal' person. I am, by profession, a writer, a musician, an artist and an entertainer. I'm rather good. My anxiety, my uncertainty, my desire to be brilliant in the face of that, in SPITE of that, all come together to drive me to be very, very good at the things I attempt. Often I am. Sometimes I am not. The failure to be 'very, very good' when YOU KNOW you've fucked it up is crippling. (The demons inside your head giggle.... "We TOLD YOU SO...." they laugh.... "We TOLD you you were just a stupid cunt....)

Over many years, I've learned to live with my condition. Incidentally, no-one else ever has. A lover of women, I've never been married and indeed never had a relationship that's lasted over four years. I HAVE been loved, and I have loved. I have no children.

In the last seven months I've lost my job, my house, and the girl I loved married somebody else. (She's now happier then I have ever seen her.) As I feel my world crumbling around me, my illness, (like it EVER needed an excuse,) is fucking with me to a degree I've never really experienced. I'm not sleeping, I've lost a great deal of weight because I'm not eating, and I'm distrustful of my own thought processes and my own emotions. ("You COULD just end it," say the demons.....)

Well, I fucking won't just end it. I'm a fighter.

Why am I telling you lot this?

NOT because I need sympathy. I've been here a long time and I know some of you regard me. Too much to pity me, I hope. That honours me.

NOT because I need affirmation, I am who I am, and I live with that, as well as I can, every day. I do okay, mostly.

NOT because I expect an easy answer, a quick fix.... That doesn't exist.

So Why?

Very simply, I am afraid. I am scared. I am lonely and isolated. This is a low.

xx Steph





"Stirring Up The Smooth Sands Of Monotony Since 1967." xx SF
Guest
Posted: Saturday, June 09, 2012 1:25:06 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 659,414
I love you x
crazydiamond
Posted: Saturday, June 09, 2012 1:33:21 PM

Rank: Clever Gem

Joined: 7/17/2011
Posts: 2,292
Location: Exactly where I should be!, Canada
Aw Steph x
I hope in writing this, everyone who reads it can take a little bit of the fear and isolation away from you somehow, and lessen the burden.
That's a very brave and honest post, I doubt many would have the courage do the same.
There's people here who've got your back, hold on to that.
xx
CD

sprite
Posted: Saturday, June 09, 2012 1:41:20 PM

Rank: Her Royal Spriteness
Moderator

Joined: 6/18/2010
Posts: 16,237
Location: My Tower, United States
you're part of a family now, you know that, right? no matter how scared and lonely and isolated you feel, that will never change. you have people who love you - both sides of you, the highs and the lows, and everything in between. if you need to be reminded of that, than i am happy to do so. love you, Mr. F. *hugs* hang in there and it will get better. i promise.

Live, love, laugh.
clum
Posted: Saturday, June 09, 2012 1:42:46 PM

Rank: Clumeleon
Moderator

Joined: 5/13/2011
Posts: 5,182
Location: Kirkcaldy, United Kingdom
You'll be in my prayers for the foreseeable future, mate, whether you like it or not.

She Just Wants To Be

Third place entry in the Toy With Me competition.
T_Elle
Posted: Saturday, June 09, 2012 1:52:13 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 5/17/2012
Posts: 137
Location: Canada
As a sufferer/triumph-overer of anxiety and depression disorder, I salute you, sister. You have love and support, here, aplenty.

Mental illness is still an illness, every bit as much as the physical, and I am all for promoting the awareness of it.

Peace, love, comfort and prayers. love9
principessa
Posted: Saturday, June 09, 2012 2:07:12 PM

Rank: Sophisticate

Joined: 8/23/2011
Posts: 4,310
Location: Canada
I wish you the strength and courage to deal with this. Know that you are not alone. xxx
LauraLee_sugah
Posted: Saturday, June 09, 2012 2:26:58 PM

Rank: Purveyor of Sweetness

Joined: 9/10/2011
Posts: 2,347
Location: the sweet, sunny south, United States
steph

as someone who has lived on the other side of mental illness and its effects, i honor you for the kind of responsibility you take for your health and its consequences.... that has not been my experience. it was always someone else's fault..... meaning in one specific case that it was all my fault.

you are so talented and so honest.... i want to come kiss you... and tell you that you are wonderful and strong. i will also be thinking of you as you deal with your life as it is now.

lauralee

freakycactus
Posted: Saturday, June 09, 2012 3:40:06 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 5/12/2010
Posts: 410
Location: On my cloud, United Kingdom
I agree with CD, this is an incredibly brave and honest post.

I wish there was more that I could say other than, you are not alone. It might not always feel like it but as this thread shows, if you're feeling low then someone will be there for you.

stephanie
Posted: Saturday, June 09, 2012 3:42:59 PM

Rank: Bohemian

Joined: 1/1/2010
Posts: 5,331
Location: Dublin, Ire., Ireland
T_Elle wrote:
As a sufferer/triumph-overer of anxiety and depression disorder, I salute you, sister. You have love and support, here, aplenty.

Mental illness is still an illness, every bit as much as the physical, and I am all for promoting the awareness of it.

Peace, love, comfort and prayers. love9


Just WRITING what I wrote helps.

A response like this from T-Elle, (A Lushie I don't know and have never 'met') helps more.

I LIVE here. (It's a kinda lovely place to live.)

xx SF

(What a kind community we are. I value each and every one of you. Your kindness humbles me. You honour me. What an awfully nice bunch of depraved fuckers you/we are!)

"Stirring Up The Smooth Sands Of Monotony Since 1967." xx SF
sprite
Posted: Saturday, June 09, 2012 3:46:37 PM

Rank: Her Royal Spriteness
Moderator

Joined: 6/18/2010
Posts: 16,237
Location: My Tower, United States
ahem - i am not a depraved fucker. i am a depraved fuckee *giggles*

Live, love, laugh.
slim_shady
Posted: Saturday, June 09, 2012 3:52:43 PM

Rank: Rookie Scribe

Joined: 5/15/2012
Posts: 3
you remind me of myself, exept that I use gamming as an escape wher
e I dont stand out
crazydiamond
Posted: Saturday, June 09, 2012 3:59:13 PM

Rank: Clever Gem

Joined: 7/17/2011
Posts: 2,292
Location: Exactly where I should be!, Canada
Het Steph!!! Big love ya Bitch :) xxxxxx {}

Shylass
Posted: Saturday, June 09, 2012 4:11:53 PM

Rank: Gingerbread Lover

Joined: 1/6/2012
Posts: 3,653
Location: Trumpton, United Kingdom
*Insert brilliantly witty and amazingly awesome reply here*

I love you too, Steph. Big Hugs


Ut incepit fidelis, sic permanet.

***
********************************CLICK THE BANNERS TO BUY THESE WILLY-STIFFENING BOOKS!********************************
Guest
Posted: Saturday, June 09, 2012 4:24:12 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 659,414
you wouldn't know me from the guy down the street from you but if for any reason you just want to talk I am always willing to listen.
crazydiamond
Posted: Saturday, June 09, 2012 4:38:40 PM

Rank: Clever Gem

Joined: 7/17/2011
Posts: 2,292
Location: Exactly where I should be!, Canada
Well well, this place is more than we knew.
Steph here you will be fine, so much beautiful support and love.
What happened to all the dirty fuckers???
Are we being ripped off??? ;)

CD whispers- hey steph, do they know you are a fella and not a bird???, i don't think so!! :)

Guest
Posted: Saturday, June 09, 2012 4:40:48 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 659,414
Stephanie, I have a pretty good idea what you are feeling, although I don't have the specific condition you have. I know enough to feel a lot of sense of doubt that you talk about so well, and to be obsessive.

I am not so bad off that I can't sympathize with you and care for you. I'll be more than happy to talk with you on a forum or in a chat.

This is a family, I don't doubt. We can and will bond together to fight our troubles. And beat them.
adele
Posted: Saturday, June 09, 2012 5:05:18 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 4/8/2011
Posts: 21,401
Location: if I knew where I was then I would not be here...
Steph,
While I do not suffer from bi-polar or other form of mental illness, severe depression brought on by several major deaths in my life. On Lush, I found a community of people willing to listen, offer advice, an ear and a shoulder to cry on. They made all the difference to me. I am now happy, healthy and moving on with my life. Not saying that this puts me anywhere in the same place you are, just saying there are always people here willing to listen when you need it.

Be sure to read my new series - Angela
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/voyeur/angela-gets-a-new-job-1.aspx
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/masturbation/angela-gets-a-master-part-2-of-the.aspx
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/anal/angela-gets-her-first-butt-plug-part.aspx My 1st Famous Story
and the latest part...https://www.lushstories.com/stories/fetish/angela-gets-gangbanged-part-18-of-the.aspx

and view some of my other recent offerings... https://www.lushstories.com/stories/cheating/the-cheater.aspx
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/milf/a-new-life-for-rose.aspx
naughtiestmommy
Posted: Saturday, June 09, 2012 5:16:02 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 3/26/2012
Posts: 197
Location: Coastal, United States
Stephanie, I have to say I really appreciate that you've posted this. A lot of people have strange misconceptions about the Mood Disorders, and it's nice to read a sufferer's perspective.

As someone trained in mental health, I want to clarify something here, though. The Mood Disorder spectrum is vast, and I liken it to a continuum. "Cyclothymia" is a broad term that is used to group the spectrum of mood-cycling (also known as Mood Variance) disorders. On the far end is Bipolar Disorder, whether type I or type II.

Bipolar I is characterized by a prominence of manic behavior, with intermittent (usually, with periods of months between) depressive behavior.
Bipolar II is the opposite: Sufferers are mostly depressive, with intermittent periods of manic behavior.

In the extreme, both manic and depressive episodes can be quite counterproductive, even dangerous. Bipolar I patients are notoriously harder to treat, and actually have a higher rate of self-abusive behavior and suicide than Bipolar II.


But it's important to note that just because an individual is Cyclothymic, it doesn't mean they are Bipolar. There is a more common condition known as Rapid Cycling (which can often be exacerbated by diet and environmental factors), but the mood variance is considerably less extreme.

I just want people to understand that if a doctor tells you that you are Cyclothymic, you are not necessarily Bipolar. It's like the old adage about Grasshoppers vs. Locusts: Although all locusts are grasshoppers, not all grasshoppers are locusts. Same applies with the Mood Variance Disorders: All Bipolars are cyclothymic, but not all Cyclothymics are bipolar.


On a personal note, thanks for being brave. It takes real guts to put something so personal out there like that. I hope you find a medication that can help you, and that you stay on it. I think there are a lot more people suffering from Mood Spectrum Disorders than anyone realizes. Maybe what you've posted will help someone reassess their own behavior and, for that, you deserve many thanks. :)



.
.

I'm a loner, Dottie. A Rebel...
.
.

Coco
Posted: Saturday, June 09, 2012 6:04:43 PM

Rank: Lady of Mystery
Moderator

Joined: 7/22/2011
Posts: 4,743
Location: Fantasy City, United States
Hey Steph: Its already been said, but do know that you're isolation is nonexistent as many have said that you're not alone; throw another one in there. While I don't know the condition, I know the resiliency of the human spirit and I trust that you have just that! You can have some of mine if you don't. Your Lush fam is here for you!!




Guest
Posted: Saturday, June 09, 2012 6:32:59 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 659,414
your so strong
MrNudiePants
Posted: Saturday, June 09, 2012 6:37:48 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 8/10/2009
Posts: 2,190
Location: United States
sprite wrote:
you're part of a family now, you know that, right? no matter how scared and lonely and isolated you feel, that will never change. you have people who love you - both sides of you, the highs and the lows, and everything in between. if you need to be reminded of that, than i am happy to do so. love you, Mr. F. *hugs* hang in there and it will get better. i promise.


Ditto. I'd say more but I'm on the road, driving. Five hours into a ten hour trip. All my best, Steph.Hugs
redlips
Posted: Saturday, June 09, 2012 6:44:09 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 5/21/2011
Posts: 147
Hey sweet sister. In your post you say,,,"I am who I am and I live with that as well as I can every day.." That's the best any of us can do, or hope for. Your honesty is a great strength and an inspiration to me. Thank you! Wish I could kiss you (here, close your eyes and feel my lips on yours) ummm Hey, I want more!!!

If you ignore beauty, you will soon find yourself without it.................Frank Lloyd Wright

I always practice obedience, when it's in my best interest.
WellMadeMale
Posted: Saturday, June 09, 2012 6:57:29 PM

Rank: Constant Gardener

Joined: 9/30/2009
Posts: 10,451
Location: Cakeland, United States
Welcome to the human race, Steph. You enjoy and endure the entire spectrum of human emotions.

If ya can't beat 'em... pay someone to do it for you.
DLizze
Posted: Saturday, June 09, 2012 6:59:23 PM

Rank: Story Verifier
Moderator

Joined: 4/23/2011
Posts: 2,567
Steph - Yeah, what everyone else has already said, and far more eloquently than I ever could. So just know, there are people here who, though we obviously know only the you we have seen on Lush, really do care. And, as they say in parts of the US, "We're all meshugana here, so don't be a stranger already" :)


Edit: While I was typing this, Mary Clift came on the radio and announced the beginning of her program, The Thistle and Shamrock. I think it is a sign that we're with you in spirit. I am currently listning to a certain Mr Archie Fisher, of the Glasgow family, accompanid by uilleann pipes.

"There's only three tempos: slow, medium and fast. When you get between in the cracks, ain't nuthin' happenin'." Ben Webster
sprite
Posted: Saturday, June 09, 2012 7:00:11 PM

Rank: Her Royal Spriteness
Moderator

Joined: 6/18/2010
Posts: 16,237
Location: My Tower, United States
btw, Kate says she's willing to smack you around a bit, if you need it. no, really, free of charge. actually, she says hang in there and sends hugs. not sure if you know, but she has experience, not on your end, but growing up with someone who went thru what you go thru, plus, she has to deal with me... yeah, ha ha. ugh. dammit, weather it out, i know it's iIp hard, but hang on to the fact that you KNOW you have good days, and if you just fight thru this, you'll have them again, where you are funny and fun and you write and laugh and entertain the mods with crazy stories and all that, so just iIp hang in there, ok? if i have to, i'll send you pictures of my butt (and no, just Steph, none of the rest of you heathens!).

note to everyone - we all have bad days, some of us, it's a chemical imbalance, we're not weak or messed up, but our bodies are just a little off and they do this to us - it's noting to be ashamed of or humiliated by, is sucks, but it's just like being physically sick, only it can be even more debilitating - ask for help when you need it, don't worry about being judged, cause you're not. unconditional love, man.

Live, love, laugh.
crazydiamond
Posted: Saturday, June 09, 2012 7:06:45 PM

Rank: Clever Gem

Joined: 7/17/2011
Posts: 2,292
Location: Exactly where I should be!, Canada
sprite wrote:
btw, Kate says she's willing to smack you around a bit, if you need it. no, really, free of charge. actually, she says hang in there and sends hugs. not sure if you know, but she has experience, not on your end, but growing up with someone who went thru what you go thru, plus, she has to deal with me... yeah, ha ha. ugh. dammit, weather it out, i know it's iIp hard, but hang on to the fact that you KNOW you have good days, and if you just fight thru this, you'll have them again, where you are funny and fun and you write and laugh and entertain the mods with crazy stories and all that, so just iIp hang in there, ok? if i have to, i'll send you pictures of my butt (and no, just Steph, none of the rest of you heathens!).

note to everyone - we all have bad days, some of us, it's a chemical imbalance, we're not weak or messed up, but our bodies are just a little off and they do this to us - it's noting to be ashamed of or humiliated by, is sucks, but it's just like being physically sick, only it can be even more debilitating - ask for help when you need it, don't worry about being judged, cause you're not. unconditional love, man.


APPLAUSE when they are due!!! Sprite very well executed girl!!

Shylass
Posted: Saturday, June 09, 2012 7:09:38 PM

Rank: Gingerbread Lover

Joined: 1/6/2012
Posts: 3,653
Location: Trumpton, United Kingdom
sprite wrote:
btw, Kate says she's willing to smack you around a bit, if you need it. no, really, free of charge. actually, she says hang in there and sends hugs. not sure if you know, but she has experience, not on your end, but growing up with someone who went thru what you go thru, plus, she has to deal with me... yeah, ha ha. ugh. dammit, weather it out, i know it's iIp hard, but hang on to the fact that you KNOW you have good days, and if you just fight thru this, you'll have them again, where you are funny and fun and you write and laugh and entertain the mods with crazy stories and all that, so just iIp hang in there, ok? if i have to, i'll send you pictures of my butt (and no, just Steph, none of the rest of you heathens!).

note to everyone - we all have bad days, some of us, it's a chemical imbalance, we're not weak or messed up, but our bodies are just a little off and they do this to us - it's noting to be ashamed of or humiliated by, is sucks, but it's just like being physically sick, only it can be even more debilitating - ask for help when you need it, don't worry about being judged, cause you're not. unconditional love, man.


We wait for a Better Day. Because it will come. We just have to wait for it.


Ut incepit fidelis, sic permanet.

***
********************************CLICK THE BANNERS TO BUY THESE WILLY-STIFFENING BOOKS!********************************
Magical_felix
Posted: Saturday, June 09, 2012 7:10:32 PM

Rank: Wild at Heart

Joined: 4/3/2010
Posts: 5,196
Location: California
stephanie wrote:
I am Bi-Polar/Manic Depressive. (I suffer from a mental illness called Cyclothymia.)

I have lived with this condition all my life. I was diagnosed in my early 20s, but the 'treatment' of the condition, in my case the use of the drug lithium, I found less than helpful. The drug did indeed stabilise my moods, but in doing so seemed to rob me of my very personality, turning me into a kind of zombie. On lithium, I found I lost my sense of humour, my creative drive, my joy in just being alive, my very sense of self. I currently take no meds for my illness.

Manic Depressives, for those unfamiliar with the illness, outwardly and often appear perfectly normal. However, the internal relationship of the Manic Depressive to his or her own being is frequently very deluding and destructive. One can be, in one's own mind, at one moment the most beautiful and brilliant creature who has ever lived. At other moments, one can be so self-hating and so much in emotional pain that the ending of one's own life seems only sensible.

Cyclothymia is a very serious mental condition. 20% of people who have it die from it. They kill themselves. Myself, I have never seriously attempted suicide, (I never actually made the cut...) yet the idea is never very far away when I am in a 'black' period. I try to ignore those voices, those thoughts.... BUT they are MY thoughts.... It's terribly difficult.

People like me very often use drugs and alcohol to attempt to 'calm the demons'. It works to a degree, in that self-medication CAN alleviate the symptoms, but of course that self-medication brings its own problems.

One of the strangest things about my mental illness is that it enables me to do things that feel I could NEVER do were I a 'normal' person. I am, by profession, a writer, a musician, an artist and an entertainer. I'm rather good. My anxiety, my uncertainty, my desire to be brilliant in the face of that, in SPITE of that, all come together to drive me to be very, very good at the things I attempt. Often I am. Sometimes I am not. The failure to be 'very, very good' when YOU KNOW you've fucked it up is crippling. (The demons inside your head giggle.... "We TOLD YOU SO...." they laugh.... "We TOLD you you were just a stupid cunt....)

Over many years, I've learned to live with my condition. Incidentally, no-one else ever has. A lover of women, I've never been married and indeed never had a relationship that's lasted over four years. I HAVE been loved, and I have loved. I have no children.

In the last seven months I've lost my job, my house, and the girl I loved married somebody else. (She's now happier then I have ever seen her.) As I feel my world crumbling around me, my illness, (like it EVER needed an excuse,) is fucking with me to a degree I've never really experienced. I'm not sleeping, I've lost a great deal of weight because I'm not eating, and I'm distrustful of my own thought processes and my own emotions. ("You COULD just end it," say the demons.....)

Well, I fucking won't just end it. I'm a fighter.

Why am I telling you lot this?

NOT because I need sympathy. I've been here a long time and I know some of you regard me. Too much to pity me, I hope. That honours me.

NOT because I need affirmation, I am who I am, and I live with that, as well as I can, every day. I do okay, mostly.

NOT because I expect an easy answer, a quick fix.... That doesn't exist.

So Why?

Very simply, I am afraid. I am scared. I am lonely and isolated. This is a low.

xx Steph





This is all very emotionally honest of you Steph... But I still really, really, really hope I kick your ass in the competition.

Seriously though. I hope you find all the little things that make you happy so you can start to make your whole being happy again. Or at least not so scared.





ShyVixen
Posted: Saturday, June 09, 2012 7:18:19 PM

Rank: Story Verifier
Moderator

Joined: 5/2/2009
Posts: 1,482
Location: United States
Tears fill my eyes from your words and your honesty. I have battled depression/anxiety since my early 20's and after the birth of my daughter went undiagnosed with postpartum depression. It was also recommended that I go on lithium and I refused. Not because I was in denial, but rather for the fact I just couldn't mask who I was any longer with prescribed meds. I wanted to get back to being me after being medicated for most of my 20's and 30's. I've had set backs this past year which did not allow me to take care of things on my own any longer and once again was faced with the fact that I needed to be back on meds. I'm not ashamed, if I was I wouldn't post here. I want to thank you Steph because I've never discussed this with others here and you have just helped me to open up and I'm happy to be your sounding board and to tell you, your not alone and never hide, share your thoughts just as you have with us today. You are much stronger than you think my friend.
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