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overmykneenow
Posted: Friday, September 28, 2012 1:32:42 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 6/8/2010
Posts: 1,275
Location: United Kingdom
This is one of those "person above you" type forum threads for authors only

Criticise something about the writing of the author in the post above. It can be about a specific story or their writing in general.

Rules of the game
1. Be constructive not nasty
2. You can only post if you have published stories - proper stories too, none of this Love Poem rubbish*
3. Take it on the chin, it's only one person's opinion. If you can't handle it, don't join in.
4. Don't make a shit sandwich by hiding your criticism in glowing praise - just say it!
5. No retorts!

I have a feeling this could be a very short thread.

[*kidding :) ]

Warning: The opinions above are those of an anonymous individual on the internet. They are opinions, unless they're facts. They may be ill-informed, out of touch with reality or just plain stupid. They may contain traces of irony. If reading these opinions causes you to be become outraged or you start displaying the symptoms of outrage, stop reading them immediately. If symptoms persist, consult a psychiatrist.

Why not read some stories instead

NEW! Want a quick read for your coffee break? Why not try this... Flash Erotica: Scrubber
Mazza
Posted: Friday, September 28, 2012 7:11:38 AM

Rank: Mazztastic

Joined: 9/20/2012
Posts: 3,266
Location: Scotland, United Kingdom
I'd have to say that Circle of friends whilst being a great story is very cynical, but that's not really a criticism because I think it sadly reflects a great deal of truth about how people behave online. I hated the txt spk, but again, I suppose that's reflective of the situation, it wouldn't get me off though.
She
Posted: Friday, September 28, 2012 7:37:02 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 3/24/2010
Posts: 2,547
Location: Europe
overmykneenow wrote:

2. You can only post if you have published stories - proper stories too, none of this Love Poem rubbish*


hahahahahh, fair enough!!!!

Great thread though, but I'll just have to watch this one from behind evil4
RumpleForeskin
Posted: Friday, September 28, 2012 9:21:01 AM

Rank: The Right Rev of Lush

Joined: 7/3/2009
Posts: 2,945
Location: Lost in the ozone somewhere east of Luckenbach Tx,
"Love Poem rubbish?" If 'She' doesn't mind, I'll just stay on the sidelines with her. But if anyone wants to take a crack at one of my insults to good taste and the English language, feel free to hit it with your best shot. (Where's Pat Benetar now that we need her?)

glasses8

Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwords. - ROBERT HEINLEIN

Feels So Right, It Can't Be WrongMore steamy, seductive, straight step-sibling sex, 2-3

FROM:
Becky -- FOR: Matt -- With Love:
a Festive contest winner – honest

HOW HUMANS DO IT: a fish-eye view of sex an Editor's Pick - no kidding
Dani
Posted: Friday, September 28, 2012 11:00:23 AM

Rank: Big-Haired Bitch
Moderator

Joined: 12/25/2010
Posts: 5,873
Location: Under Your Bed, United States
Well Sir Rump, "How Humans Do It" was fun and quite excellently executed. It's actually one of my go-to stories when I'm down in the dumps and need a good chuckle.

My only criticism is that when I first read it, it kind of made me have to step outside of myself to really enjoy it. Animals getting aroused by humans having sex just wasn't something I was ready to allow into my psyche. Kind of threw me off guard...waaaaaay off guard.


"Sometimes, unity is more terrifying than rage." - Deray McKesson

1ball
Posted: Saturday, September 29, 2012 3:23:51 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 9/13/2011
Posts: 970
Location: United States
I just read your latest story SWW2012 and my criticism is that I feel cheated when I read a "you" story. Maybe that's just me. Some people seem to like them, but they don't do anything for me and it seems like taking the easy road instead of performing up to your potential.


My latest story is too hot to publish. My most recent story before that is Even Stranger In Lust
Sensei
Posted: Sunday, September 30, 2012 10:30:03 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 5/16/2012
Posts: 541
Location: United States
I read "Snake Charmer," and loved it. The only criticism I could come up with is a little bit of a nitpick. At one point, you needed to describe the effect of a drug on the patient, but the POV was of the woman who administered it. It was a little bit of a detour the way the effect was described. I am not sure whether there's a better way to achieve it or not - or perhaps if it was necessary (perhaps it might simply have either sufficed for her to simply say why she had to restrain him).


My novel, The Society, is available now in the Kindle Store: http://www.amazon.com/The-Society-ebook/dp/B00BPF9U2I
overmykneenow
Posted: Wednesday, October 03, 2012 2:07:04 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 6/8/2010
Posts: 1,275
Location: United Kingdom
I think my criticism would have to be that your stories tend to lack a certain spark: something to surprise or shock. "The Demerit System Part 2" for example: man says he's going to give the girls 30 whacks and then does. The end. Putting a bit of chaos into a d/s story isn't easy - people are often surprised that I've not written a spanking story but I've yet to come up with something I think good enough to present here because I can't make that vital twist work.

Your stories (and there's plenty of them!) are technically very well-written and edited but the settings and situations are usually unremarkable - that's not necessarily a bad thing but it doesn't help the reader's imagination to be carried away somewhere and lost in a little made-up world. I like that you write in third person (vital I think for d/s stories) and that you don't capitalise "he" - an increasing blight on the genre.

There's lots of stories on this site and I think for anyone to stand out they really need to find some way to challenge the reader a bit more.

Warning: The opinions above are those of an anonymous individual on the internet. They are opinions, unless they're facts. They may be ill-informed, out of touch with reality or just plain stupid. They may contain traces of irony. If reading these opinions causes you to be become outraged or you start displaying the symptoms of outrage, stop reading them immediately. If symptoms persist, consult a psychiatrist.

Why not read some stories instead

NEW! Want a quick read for your coffee break? Why not try this... Flash Erotica: Scrubber
sweet_as_candy
Posted: Friday, October 19, 2012 9:56:42 PM

Rank: Sydney Slider
Moderator

Joined: 5/28/2012
Posts: 2,736
Location: In the library
I have been back and forth to this thread too many times so decided to finally post!

I re-read your stories and tried to unpick one that didn't stand out as much for me which was 'Three Bears'. I could only critique this on my preference for story writing as the storyline is very good, and cleverly done, however, for me it lacks the sexiness in comparison to your other stories. The actual scene of her fantasy is covered by only a very short section. There was potential to expand this eroticism for the reader.






Guest
Posted: Saturday, October 20, 2012 2:00:06 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 676,012
Awwww I get you!!! I know that you are so new to writing and you really are doing well in this beginning phase. I think you can only improve from here. Go deeper with your emotions, further with your descriptions, and give it your all. I do love you AND your stories though. Hugs
Green_Man
Posted: Tuesday, October 30, 2012 10:20:30 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 6/9/2012
Posts: 1,050
Location: A verdant glen, United States
I just read "Again". Sorry to say, it was my first by you. I spend most of my time writing my own or reading those of friends. So, here goes. Aside from the editing errors (and are you British or Canadian that you spell color "colour"?), I found the story deeply engrossing. So much so that I was disappointed by the denouement. Who are "they" to whom she should speak. And why did they break up in the first place. A long distance affair out of the question? I loved the style of writing. It was superb. I was baffled by it to a certain extent. I would have loved to have known the exact circumstances of the break up. They certainly got back together rather quickly. Thanks for allowing me to make a few comments. You are a fine writer.

Guest
Posted: Friday, February 15, 2013 10:35:12 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 676,012
I just read "Kathy Has a Surprise For Me."

I guess my first piece of advice would be to spread out your descriptions a bit. Kathy and Greg both receive completely physical descriptions in solid paragraphs of text, rather than a bit at a time. It feels more natural to introduce details a bit at a time rather than all at once, unless there's a good set-up for it.

The characters also seem to be living somewhere not on Earth, with regards to Greg's perceptions of what's acceptable or not. He's surprised when a girl won't strip naked in front of him after knowing him for a few days, and neither of them think anything of sharing a bedroom. He also masturbates in the living room when she's at home. Did they just agree the first day to have absolutely no boundaries? I think you can have it in there, but explain it first. I have to admit, I was a bit distracted by wondering why she's asking for a roommate when she has no room for one. I know you don't want to slow down the action, but even a throw-away line about her being broke would have satisfied that plothole.

I think you should try to show more, especially through dialogue. "But she was really concerned about covering her crotch with a pillow. And she expressed her huge disapproval." How did she express it? Did she yell? Scream? Throw a water bottle at Greg's head? Or did she just say, "I disapprove of this. Hugely."

As for more generally, I would work on improving descriptions of sex scenes. Right now, they're a bit brisk. His first blowjob takes about six sentences, for example. Also: "Hers [cum] tasted like flowers?" It's a bit unrealistic, as I think some of the more experienced people here can tell you, regarding seminal flavor. I also think you should consider working on pacing. It all goes rather quickly, from strangers and roommates to jerking off in front of each other to giving each other blowjobs.

My last note is just, wow, because I wrote this story a while back: http://www.lushstories.com/stories/trans/she-has-a-what.aspx and the premise is extremely similar. Great minds think alike, eh?
DLizze
Posted: Saturday, February 16, 2013 9:46:09 PM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 4/23/2011
Posts: 2,568
I just re-read She Has A What? and felt the need to vent about inconsistencies. In the advertisement the statement is "Unfurnished". But there is a TV and couch in the living room;and a desk, a chair and a queen-sized bed in the bed room which is to be his. That made me stop reading and go back up to the top of the story, to see if I had mis-read the ad. So much for being able to engross myself in the story. From that point onward, my radar was on, searching for other inconsistencies. But overall, I thought it was a good story, and fun.

I had a little fun with a similar subject when I wrote Charlie-Charlene. I will say this. I thought linking Roger Williams' courage of his convictions was a masterful touch. (Having descended from a bunch of Massachusetts and Connecticut Calvinists I have a more than passing interest in New England history, and am of course, very familiar with Roger Williams' banishment.) As I read that, I wished I had thought of it when I was writing my Futa story. But I was too busy trying to keep it light and humorous while still trying to maintain the love concept, so, although I did all right at describing the love between the three of them, I neglected the philosophic implications.

"There's only three tempos: slow, medium and fast. When you get between in the cracks, ain't nuthin' happenin'." Ben Webster
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