Over this amount of time, you've changed your mind. Something has happened (perhaps repeatedly) or something(s) just isn't or won't ever be - happening, it just isn't working out. You didn't catch him (or her) stepping out on you/cheating, and there may only be one thing that just doesn't feel right to you. You may or may not be able to put your finger on what that thing is.
Irregardless, you want out of the steady relationship, not just some time away to clear your head. You want out out and you would like to move on with your life but you don't really want to curb-stomp the person. You've done everything you can think of to avoid a major blow up/drama laden scene.
Perhaps you've gone steady or been engaged for six, nine, twelve months or longer and things just are not getting better or things were great when the ring was offered and you accepted but shit has just gotten too routine, the spark has died away and it is not rekindling.
There are dozens of reasons/scenarios of what could be the cause, but after trying to implement several fixes or you constantly compromising to the point where you feel like you're the one who's made all the changes and the other person is just cruising along - stringing you along perhaps -- You want out, damnit!
A friend of mine has been engaged (off and on) since June 2011. She dis-engaged in February before V-Day this year. It apparently took that break up for him to get the message that she was not happy and they needed to have a major heart to heart talk. They did, she kept the ring in one of her drawers, didn't put it back on immediately - he had to 'earn' that right to put it back on her. She stayed monogamous, his behavior improved...By June he'd improved she thought, so back on went the ring and they were both elated.
Then by mid-August he started slipping back to his old behavior (these two are both in their early 50s and divorced a few times each). She tried to get him to open up and discuss 'things' again. To re-tune, to communicate. He's a confrontation avoider, even if it's just a discussion about wants and needs and resolutions and there is no anger involved. An emotional dawdler and a guy who would probably rather be engaged for 6 years than get married again (it seems). He's avoided setting even a tenuous wedding date for over a year.
He can't look her in the eye, he changes subjects, he injects silly humor to deflect - he's that person.
She loves him, but she's made all the compromises and he only makes changes or compromises when she breaks up with him, then he relaxes - the cycle repeats. She doesn't want to marry into that (the breakup situation then is a trial separation, perhaps living under the same roof) talk about drama.
She gave him back his ring again, two weekends ago when he was at her home on a Saturday. He didn't spend the evening, but he left her home and didn't call her on Sunday...or Monday, but by Tuesday...he was flooding her with electronic apology cards, text messages and inappropriate sexting and then asking her what 'their' plans for the coming weekend should be.
He's that guy. He only 'comes around' when the situation is broken and beyond back against the wall time.
How do you ladies handle this type of scenario? (If you haven't handled it, please don't comment...I'm only seeking experience here). Many of you probably have been 'here' before. Call me - Curious
My advice to her was to implement my 8 Steps of Compassionate Reality course of action.
01) Try one last time to instigate a serious discussion about all the issues you have a problem with which require concrete resolutions or plans to work on addressing. No television on, no kids or friends or parents around to draw his attention away. If he deflects, ignores, changes subjects...proceed to step 2
02) Take ring off in his presence while announcing you no longer consider yourselves engaged (this also implies you're no longer a couple).
03) Do not spend the night with him or allow him to sleep with you overnight in your home. If you share a residence, go get a hotel room, call friend or parent and clear out - asap.
04) When next he calls or texts and seemingly ignores the fact you two have broken up (again!), reply with: 'I need some time/space to think things over." (This is universal code for - please don't make me be mean to you, get a fucking clue)
05) When next he attempts to grab your attention or make plans for a date or weekend (and 75% ignore the time/space reality comment and hit you up again within 48 hours) you need to reply: "Let's just be friends for now."
06) When he tries again within a weeks time, generally, you reply with: "Sorry, I can't see you Friday night (insert day/time/whenever) - I have already made plans." (Even if you haven't made plans, you are still implementing the primary plan which is to get the fuck away from this nutbar).
07) Generally within the next week to month later, he'll text, mass email or bump into you somewhere you both used to go together and propose a new date to spend time together. You reply cheerfully, "Hey, how are you doing, I wish I could, but I've met someone else and we're going to New Hampshire skiing and to visit his family that weekend."
08) He will call you drunkenly at 3 in the morning a few nights later, and you can either start to block his number or if he is coherent, reply - "I'm getting married! I'm finally pregnant! or... Are you still jerking off thinking about those great blow jobs I used to give you? You fucked up, get lost."
How do you handle this scenario? How have you handled it? How has it blown up in your face? Did you just go ahead and marry the persistent pest?
Some of you ladies may get to step number eight in three or fewer steps. How do I know?
Thirty-some years ago, I was sorta this guy!
( I guess you gentlemen can participate, too...I mean, that's how we roll @ Lush )
