It's now over three months since my girlfriend broke up with me. I took it really hard, probably harder than I even realised at the time, and wrote a mushy poem about how I still believe we'll end up together but now isn't the time. I've been dealing with it, or trying to, and I've even started dating someone else.
The thing is, I'm still madly in love with her. Not a day goes by when I don't think about being with her again or wishing that she'd somehow take me back. But nothing's actually changed in these three months so there's no reason why she would and, if she did, it would probably end in exactly the same way. I really thought I'd get over her by now but, if anything, it's getting harder over time.
We're still friends - good friends - and when I'm around her it's so easy just to be myself and talk about real shit, like we have since before we got together. When I'm with her though, I need to battle with every fibre of my being that wants to hold her hand and kiss her and, sometimes, throw her down on the bed and have amazing sex, like we used to. I've had no indication from her that she shares any of these feelings.
Part of me is still clinging onto the hope that we'll get back together soon; part of me is waiting for her. Because I feel like that, I'm finding it really difficult to move on, like it would be unfair to start seeing someone else when I'm sure I'm destined for this girl.
One of my best friends has told me I'm crazy to still be hung up on this girl and that I deserve better than to wait around on this girl who is, in some ways, toying with my emotions. Am I crazy?
There's a very real possibility of me having sex for the first time in a long time on Saturday and I have no idea how to feel about it. It almost feels like I'll be cheating on her (which is ridiculous, I know) and that, if I do have sex with someone else, that's really the end for us.
So, what do you think? Do you think I'm nuts and should forget about being back with her? Or do you think it's worth waiting for if I really love her?
Also, is it fair on anyone else for me to date them and sleep with them if I'm still seriously hung up on this girl?
Any general advice on the situation is welcome, too. This situation is becoming an obsession and my mind is so tired. I'm just at a loss and know that some of you lovely Lushies give some really sound advice. Thanks in advance.
I don't know why you broke up or how long you were together, but I've heard people say it takes about half the amount of time you were with someone to get over them. So if you were with her for a year, it might take 6 months before you feel totally 'over it'. Thing is - if you're still carrying a torch for her, it's impossible to emotionally heal if you're still friends and still hanging out all the time. This is why I feel like exes are better off apart for a cooling down period until both people have stabilized as separate people with their own lives and emotions aren't as intense. Maybe then you can try 'being friends'...
I did what you did once. Had a breakup, felt like I didn't want to be with anyone else and that it would be almost cheating to do so because I was convinced we would get back together again. Well, we did get back together. And the relationship was just as shitty as it was before.
I don't think you should throw yourself into another relationship until you're over this girl (it wouldn't be fair to the new girl), but casual dating, sex and all that is very healthy. It will help you see that there's life beyond this girl and give you some perspective, because right now all you're seeing is her. Once you're back out there and truly open to possibilities, you'll find connections with other people and what you had with your ex will start to fade into the background as just another chapter in your life.
Right so she still gets to be friends with you but she doesn't have to do all the relationship rubbish and she sure as hell doesn't go through the whole sleeping with you stuff. Good for her.
Sucks to be you, however.
Seriously, she's taking you for a ride - and not the good type. Put some distance between the two of you, you pretty much already realise that she's no good to be around. If she's texting you or asking to meet up - it's just attention seeking. Avoid it.
I'm in full agreement with DD - get some rebound sex in - nothing heavy.
Warning: The opinions above are those of an anonymous individual on the internet. They are opinions, unless they're facts. They may be ill-informed, out of touch with reality or just plain stupid. They may contain traces of irony. If reading these opinions causes you to be become outraged or you start displaying the symptoms of outrage, stop reading them immediately. If symptoms persist, consult a psychiatrist.
Why not read some stories instead
NEW! Want a quick read for your coffee break? Why not try this... Flash Erotica: Scrubber Forgive me being a 20yr old trying to put across that she knows shit about anything....
First of all: three months isn't that long. If you were head over heels for her, if you couldn't put fault (or not much, at least) to your relationship with her etc etc then it's hardly surprising you're still hung up on her. I split up with my ex over 6 months ago and it's only really been the last month, or so, I've known for sure I'm over it. Which is saying something - I'm really not the serious, crazy in love, soppy, moping around type. I just didn't realise it was going to get to a point, so suddenly, where I was going to have to break up with him. Normally I find there's a build up to breaking up...which gives me more time to get my head around it.
Secondly: I personally don't believe that 'being friends' is something that should happen unless it was a split you were BOTH mutually happy with...and where neither of you are harbouring feelings. Often, the one that caused the break up (and the upset of the other) is the one that really, really wants to be friends...it's a guilt thing. Although, to be honest, it sounds like you probably hope that being friends will, one day, lead to more.
Thirdly: no need to beat yourself up about it. It hasn't been that long by any standard regardless of how long you were dating her. Sex, dates etc are all good...just be careful not to go for people that are 'like' her. That shit doesn't help anyone. Go for someone different. Maybe they're kinkier, maybe they have a different hair colour, a different style, an opposite personality.
It'll pass!
In the wise words of Bob Seger -- Turn the Page. Move on with your life. Life is too short to wait around for someone that doesn't feel that same way about you. If she did feel the same way, you'd be together by now.
I'm probably the worst person to take romantic advice from, but the heart wants what the heart wants!
We know each other......
In DECEMBER of last year, an ex of mine who I had lived with for some years, (and then we didn't but remained friends who didn't fuck, seeing each other regularly, (UNLESS one of us had another thing which neither of us liked...) announced she was pregnant and to be married...
(I had NO IDEA.... She'd not told me for fear of it hurting me... If you can believe it, I found out on FaceBook... I'm aware of how fucked up that sounds.... She apologised later but I understood.... She was simply embarassed to tell me.....)
I ADORED her..... We'd see each other at least once a week, I'd buy her clothes, we'd do dinner and theatre, we slept together in each others' houses, cuddling, holding but never fucking... We were close.... But Not That.... (Anymore...)
I always dreamed she'd come around...
(She didn't....)
She's really happy now. Her new guy loves her. And she him. (It was a little girl she had....)
We haven't spoken in a year.
I've HAD to let her go, to understand that the thing she needs would never be something I could ever do for her.
That hurts.
But it is.
I miss her still. I think of her. BUT I owe it to myself and to her to realise that her new thing just doesn't include me so I have to just remember the good bits and move on.
I have no doubt that she, occasionally, might spare a thought for me.... But she's busy with a new thing right now and always....
It ain't easy....
But it didn't happen......
And I love her and wish her well.
I believe there very well might be a proper, loving, perfect girl I might love....
(But it wasn't Her.....)
xx Stephen
(At some point, she became an IDEA for me and not a real girl......)
Don't let that happen to you, Love......
Thanks to everyone for their responses. You've shown compassion and given me a lot to think about. A lot of you have brought up the "being friends" thing so I wanna give you my perspective on that.
We were good friends for a long time before we got together and helped each other through a lot of hard times, as friends. From the first time we met, we just clicked and that, no matter what else has happened, has been a constant. After we broke up, the relationship reverted, by default, back to that. Yes, I still have strong feelings for her but I don't spend time with her to try to persuade her to get back with me. Likewise, she doesn't hang out with me because she feels "guilty" about breaking my heart. We're genuinely friends and we would spend time together like that even if the relationship had never happened.
I understand people saying that I should put some distance between us and give myself time away from her. Indeed, I recognised that as a good idea very soon after the break-up. However, it has gotten to the point where we now spend time together as friends again (I'm finding this difficult to put into words). I don't even know how I would now go about creating that distance - we have classes together, we share mutual friends, we are part of each other's lives. Do I just cut her out of my life? Do I start avoiding her in hallways and ignoring her texts? Do I tell her, "Hey, I'm still insanely in love with you so we can't hang out any more."?
We just are close and I don't know how to change that. People often say you can't be friends with your ex but it's more like I'm exes with my friend (if that even makes sense).
A little bit more information: We were together for nine months; not a terribly long relationship, I know, but my longest and it was, at one point, really going somewhere. We broke up after a miserable summer apart - something changed, we're not sure what, and she didn't feel the same about me physically (she felt awkward kissing me, holding hands, etc.). She felt it was unfair to me to carry on like that. So when I say "she broke up with me" it was more that her feelings had changed such that we both knew the relationship had to come to an end.
I know it sounds like I'm dismissing a lot of your comments but I'm not; I'm just trying to figure out how to actually best put them into action. There's part of me that really doesn't want to let her go and is even content to wait, however long it takes. I'm not unhappy about being alone, only about not being with her. I know that's not healthy but it's a very difficult internal battle for me.
Thanks again, really.
I'm quite possibly the worst person to give advice, so I won't (sorry if that sounds harsh), but I will say one thing: it sounds like you two are quite the soul mates and that you'll always be close. Hopefully, given time, you can move on. Just remember that, yes, you are crazy, but as Buffy said "Love makes you do the wacky", so don't feel so bad about being crazy, you're in good company and I'm sure most Lushies are either, crazy in love or crazy from the heartbreak of lack of love.
You ain't crazy Callum and damn you're one of the really good guys. She's lucky as hell you feel that way about her. Unfortunately she just doesn't realize it or she is stringing you along.
You might give it a little more time and if she doesn't pick back up with the romantic part you should try moving on. Go out with someone else. If she does have real feelings for you she will respond somehow. She might just tell you or do something to get your attention. If she is really good with you going out with someone else, then you know all she is going to be is a friend.
Good Luck with all that's going on. I hate to see you hurting because you don't deserve that. The heart can feel like our own worst enemy sometimes. Time does heal the heart or someone new makes you forget.
I did a bad thing.
I went to London this weekend and spent a night at my ex-girlfriend's house. I was really tight with her family and I wanted to visit them. I know I shouldn't have stayed there, I know it's not healthy considering how I feel, but I just... I'm weak!
The worst thing was that I couldn't even build up the courage to tell her I was still in love with her (despite the perfect opportunity presenting itself on numerous occasions).
On the plus side, I had a lovely time. It was great to see her family again - I always feel really welcome in their home. I also spent a lot of really good, quality time with her, as friends. We talked until the wee hours about almost everything and it was so natural and nice. I wasn't constantly distracted by how much I want her.
So, yes - I'm crazy. But it's becoming less consuming day by day and I still get to have this amazing friendship. For the first time I felt like I'll be okay if we never end up together.
Thought I'd update y'all.
you cannot be friends with her right now..if she has ended it and YOU still love her...you will FAIL at all your new realtionships to come
cut it off....do NOT see her for a couple of months
this is JUST hurting you...
why would you want to hurt???
you can be friends LATER after you fall in love again
which you will..if you allow yourself to
but seeing her is like keeping a drink in an alcoholics hand
your ex is your drug....quit cold turkey
am sorry...i know it hurts..so bad...
hugs
You know, everything else in my life is going wonderfully just now. I have such gratitude for the course my life is taking and I thought that this situation was about to go the same way, too.
But my love life continues to be the smudge on the windscreen that drives me to the edge of insanity and threatens to crash the car. I wish I could understand my karma. Why is it that a guy who wants nothing more than to settle down and raise a family is one of the most hopeless fuckers in the world when it comes to relationships?
She knows how I feel, by the way. She didn't really respond to it. Last night was weird—a surprising amount of shit went down that I just did not see coming. Friendships hung in the balance; some are still shaky. I should have taken that last bus but I can just never help myself. It's like I have an out-of-body experience where I can see myself making bad decisions, but instead of trying to stop me, I just cross my arms and knowingly say, "You'll regret that," while shaking my head.
The upshot is, I'm painfully sleep-deprived, no more enlightened by the situation, and I start training for a half marathon on Monday (don't ask).
In other news, I've given up alcohol (except maybe tequila).
No need to reply. I know.
