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"Being myself" hasn't worked...

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JanellElizabethMeyer
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Greetings gentlemen, and any ladies reading this!

I've sort of made peace with this issue, but I've not had luck with men in my life. I've been picked on as a kid, and my brother has treated me horribly (so I refuse to call him, unless he calls me) and as a result, I've been a bit afraid of men for a long time. I've had crushes on guys and guys ONLY, but if I approached them, they always turned me down. After decades of this, I told myself, "just concentrate on yourself, and getting a career or better job, make some money, and live your life. You probably won't ever meet a guy, so just get on with it, and don't base your life's happiness on whether or not you get a boyfriend" (I was 39 when I made this declaration, and never had a boyfriend--I'd dated guys, but never a boyfriend.) A few months after I made this declaration, someone who had read some of my writing a few months before, who had commented on it, contacted me and we started emailing. We eventually went out, and I finally had a relationship.

I was attracted to him and everything, and the first couple months it seemed okay, but then it went downhill. Long story short, we were together for 3 1/2 years. I learned some things I should have learned when I was 20, but one thing I haven't learned is why I've not had good luck when it comes to men.

I could not seduce anyone to save my life. I feel invisible. And I'd like to know how much self-esteem and confidence play in the whole man-woman thing. I was more accomplished than my boyfriend (I was 12 years older) but he was threatened that I eventually made more money than he did (I was working three jobs) and dismissed the writing I do (he called it G-rated porn) and told me a book project I'd wanted to work on was stupid.

But long before I met him, I never knew how to talk to men, and even now, sometimes they condescend to me. I feel like sometimes I have this tattoo on my forehead that is visible only to men, and it says, "treat me like shit." I don't know if it's my looks or what. I have a weak chin, which I've been self-conscious about for YEARS. Even when I was slender, I had bad luck with men. The men I was always attracted to were always taken, and the available guys I was not attracted to.

There's a guy I've known for 10 years, and I could probably have been his girlfriend, but I am not attracted to him. Even though I am overweight, I exercise, and I like to go out and do stuff--check out the street fairs and festivals, go to amusement parks, take walks, things like that. This guy is way too overweight to do stuff like that, and I don't want to sit around and just eat all the time with him. I am not the kind of woman who can wrap guys around her finger (I'd love to know what that's like) so it's not like I can say, "hey, let's walk around the mall for a while," or "hey, let's go to the gym."

A friend suggested I go on Match.com after my breakup, and for kicks, I saw some of the guys that were "matches" but I am not attracted to any of them, nor do their profiles seem particularly interesting to me.

I am the kind of woman that you don't notice. I've wondered why men seem to ignore me, and everyone has told me, "just be yourself." Well, being "myself" is not what men want. I've wondered where I've gone wrong. I think it's way too late for me, because I've looked and wondered and I can't find the answer. It can't be the fact that I'm overweight, because I've seen (and I've known) morbidly obese women who have husbands or guy friends, and one that I know personally is downright narcissistic. She used to say mean things to me until she pushed my button one too many times and I got back at her and told her I was tired of her shit.

It would be nice on occasion to step out with a guy that I dig, but I've had bad luck with men, and feel that if I advertise on a site, I'll attract some real weirdos (I worked with someone who went on to murder a local professor, and his accomplices were caught, but the guy I worked with wasn't caught until about six or seven years ago.) I'm getting really good feedback on my writing, and I'm trying to get through a financial crisis (which I think will end in a few months), so I've got some things to look forward to, but I wonder where I've gone wrong when it comes to men. The guy I've felt the most confident with ran off to marry a girlfriend (whom I didn't know about until my friend came back to town and told me about her). I knew the marriage would end, and I was right. My friend moved back to town, and I contacted him to ask what happened to us (I am not sure why he kept her a secret; if we were just friends, why wouldn't he tell me about her until the last minute) and he apologized, but we have not resumed our friendship. I emailed him a few times, and he responded, but the last time I emailed him it was last summer and he never wrote me back.

Any thoughts?
BallChinian
Active Ink Slinger
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Not to sound preachy, we all have these voices in our heads that are our worst enemy. They do everything they can to tear us down, saying that we are not good enough or valuable. Facing these voices is very difficult for many of us.

The good news is that you have control over these voices. You are not invisible. You are what you want to be. The spark that makes you who you are is unique. There is only one of you in the world.

By the way, don't just be yourself. Be who you want to be.
"I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set her free." -Michelangelo


Please Enjoy: The Beach, The Workout, The Hike
Tashtego
Advanced Wordsmith
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JEM,

Obviously, I don't know you so I'm not qualified to comment on what your problem might be if, in fact, you have one. I did want to offer a couple of thoughts.

You asked about the role of self esteem and confidence on the male side of the equation. There is definitely something to that. As civilized and enlightened as we all think we are, I don't believe we can avoid the primal aspect of sexual relationships. Most men just want to feel like the Alpha. I believe being with a higher earner would bother most guys at some level. Some guys can deal with it; others can't, or don't want to. It is probably a more frequent situation in this shitty economic environment. Just another strain that couples have to deal with.

You didn't mention where you go to meet men. Sounds obvious but, if you want to meet a certain type of man, try to figure out where they are. I don't mean bars. Well, not necessarily, that is. For example, if you like men who are socially conscious and active, join those organizations. Like the artsy type? Well, start hitting gallery openings. Bottom line: get out there.

Final comment. It is probably not a coincidence that you met a compatible guy once you resigned yourself to stop trying. What does that tell you? I don't mean that you should become a shut in (see previous paragraph). I mean that you don't want to give off a desperate or needy vibe. Guys do NOT want to be cornered. They want to be the pursuer (see paragraph two).

Anyway, that's my two cents. You sound great, by the way. I am new here so I haven't read your stuff yet. I plan to do that very soon.

Best,
T
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Now not wanting to pass comment on what your have written but always feel some guys will try and see what they can get away with it is important to let them know the boundaries very quickly and not allow yourself to be pushed around. Confidence is a big thing and is important to not accept second best or become desperate.
Ritchiedick
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Quote by JanellElizabethMeyer
Greetings gentlemen, and any ladies reading this!

I've sort of made peace with this issue, ..................
It would be nice on occasion to step out with a guy that I dig, but I've had bad luck with men, and........
Any thoughts?


First: Quit saying you have bad luck with men. That's not what's happening.

If you hold grudges deep down inside, you need to rid yourself of those in order to attract a nice guy who will stick with you. Otherwise, you're just going to get used.
Guest
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Personally, I think looking outside your current box of intimates would help. You might notice a decent guy like me, and capture a creation of man/big bang moment.
Guest
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Op - you sound depressed. If your post reflects your daily thoughts about yourself then perhaps you need to seek counseling. Very few people are attracted to individuals who have unseen depression and related issues.
Magical_felix
Wild at Heart
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Quote by JanellElizabethMeyer
Greetings gentlemen, and any ladies reading this!

I've sort of made peace with this issue, but I've not had luck with men in my life. I've been picked on as a kid, and my brother has treated me horribly (so I refuse to call him, unless he calls me) and as a result, I've been a bit afraid of men for a long time. I've had crushes on guys and guys ONLY, but if I approached them, they always turned me down. After decades of this, I told myself, "just concentrate on yourself, and getting a career or better job, make some money, and live your life. You probably won't ever meet a guy, so just get on with it, and don't base your life's happiness on whether or not you get a boyfriend" (I was 39 when I made this declaration, and never had a boyfriend--I'd dated guys, but never a boyfriend.) A few months after I made this declaration, someone who had read some of my writing a few months before, who had commented on it, contacted me and we started emailing. We eventually went out, and I finally had a relationship.

I was attracted to him and everything, and the first couple months it seemed okay, but then it went downhill. Long story short, we were together for 3 1/2 years. I learned some things I should have learned when I was 20, but one thing I haven't learned is why I've not had good luck when it comes to men.

I could not seduce anyone to save my life. I feel invisible. And I'd like to know how much self-esteem and confidence play in the whole man-woman thing. I was more accomplished than my boyfriend (I was 12 years older) but he was threatened that I eventually made more money than he did (I was working three jobs) and dismissed the writing I do (he called it G-rated porn) and told me a book project I'd wanted to work on was stupid.

But long before I met him, I never knew how to talk to men, and even now, sometimes they condescend to me. I feel like sometimes I have this tattoo on my forehead that is visible only to men, and it says, "treat me like shit." I don't know if it's my looks or what. I have a weak chin, which I've been self-conscious about for YEARS. Even when I was slender, I had bad luck with men. The men I was always attracted to were always taken, and the available guys I was not attracted to.

There's a guy I've known for 10 years, and I could probably have been his girlfriend, but I am not attracted to him. Even though I am overweight, I exercise, and I like to go out and do stuff--check out the street fairs and festivals, go to amusement parks, take walks, things like that. This guy is way too overweight to do stuff like that, and I don't want to sit around and just eat all the time with him. I am not the kind of woman who can wrap guys around her finger (I'd love to know what that's like) so it's not like I can say, "hey, let's walk around the mall for a while," or "hey, let's go to the gym."

A friend suggested I go on Match.com after my breakup, and for kicks, I saw some of the guys that were "matches" but I am not attracted to any of them, nor do their profiles seem particularly interesting to me.

I am the kind of woman that you don't notice. I've wondered why men seem to ignore me, and everyone has told me, "just be yourself." Well, being "myself" is not what men want. I've wondered where I've gone wrong. I think it's way too late for me, because I've looked and wondered and I can't find the answer. It can't be the fact that I'm overweight, because I've seen (and I've known) morbidly obese women who have husbands or guy friends, and one that I know personally is downright narcissistic. She used to say mean things to me until she pushed my button one too many times and I got back at her and told her I was tired of her shit.

It would be nice on occasion to step out with a guy that I dig, but I've had bad luck with men, and feel that if I advertise on a site, I'll attract some real weirdos (I worked with someone who went on to murder a local professor, and his accomplices were caught, but the guy I worked with wasn't caught until about six or seven years ago.) I'm getting really good feedback on my writing, and I'm trying to get through a financial crisis (which I think will end in a few months), so I've got some things to look forward to, but I wonder where I've gone wrong when it comes to men. The guy I've felt the most confident with ran off to marry a girlfriend (whom I didn't know about until my friend came back to town and told me about her). I knew the marriage would end, and I was right. My friend moved back to town, and I contacted him to ask what happened to us (I am not sure why he kept her a secret; if we were just friends, why wouldn't he tell me about her until the last minute) and he apologized, but we have not resumed our friendship. I emailed him a few times, and he responded, but the last time I emailed him it was last summer and he never wrote me back.

Any thoughts?


Look, not trying to be a dick... But guys don't like girls that talk endlessly... I zoned out after the first paragraph.
pricklypear
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just from reading all of that, it sounds like a confidence issue.
AdrianCf
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Hi Janell

I am sorry to hear your story.
I must admit.... Men are pigs (most of them)

You seem to be knowing exactly what you want,
you seem to be a woman that has her life in order... accept for a partner to share it with.

It's to bad that a lot of guys (and girls for that matter) are not taking time to look into a person.
They see a beautiful face, a tight ass, big tits ( or whatever floats your boat) and BoOoOoOoOoM.... their sold.

It's strange to see how many relations end up in the gutter,
and I believe it is mainly because of that little fact that they don't know each other.
After a few years they realize that looks, body size, money etc.etc. are nice for a while, but nothing more.

A hot looking guy who is an asshole becomes a not so hot looking asshole.
A bitchy beautiful "model" becomes a not so beautiful bitch.
Looks, appearances or however you want to call it don't mean anything.

Your post shows you have questions about yourself.
You doubt if you are good looking enough,
you say you are overweight,
you basically say you are a wall flower.
But you know what..... a flower is still a flower.
With some T.L.C. every flower can blossom.

You say you cannot seduce anyone.
But I don't buy that
Everyone can seduce.....

If you meet the guy that is REALLY the right one,
than you will see how good you are at seducing.
You will throw overboard the things that bother you,
because you FEEL that this is the real thing.

Personally I don't believe in "Be who you want to be"
It's the main reason for relations to blow up.

It's strange to see how many people "lie" in the beginning.
Small meaningless, innocent lies.

"Yes, I love to go to the movies" you might answer when a guy asks you this.
But the truth is that you hate it. You just say it in the heat of the moment,
you want to let him know that you do have things in common, he might ask you
to go to the movies with him, etc.etc.etc.

So the guy thinks you are into seeing movies, once every week he treats you to a trip
to the cinema.... until your sick of it....

"You" start to wonder why he does that? doesn't he know by now that "you" hate movies?
Does he really know you?

See what I mean?

Just be yourself.....
If a guy doesn't want you for WHO you are.... well.... then F*** him.
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Okay after reading all of that, I have to agree with pricklypear and say it seems like you have a confidence issue. On top of that, I'd say that I think some therapy would help you deal with your family baggage. You've gotta let go of all that (I don't believe you've truly made peace with you personal problems) before you get in any type of relationship. Also pump yourself up. "I am the kind of woman that you don't notice." Saying stuff like downgrades yourself personally and in the eyes of others. Regain some confidence and put yourself out there.
Will94
Advanced Wordsmith
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I know i am young and so probably don't have the experience to give you advice (i'm 19) but I was never great with girls due to lack of confidence from an older brother who simply bullied me into the dust. However about 2 years ago i suddenly became attractive to the girls who played hockey with me for the county. I couldn't figure it out until one of the girls explained that while in school i was quiet and a bit awkward but on the hockey field i was confident and fun, thus more attractive. I suggest immersing yourself in something you are good at and allow your confidence to flow from there. Hope this helps biggrin
When life gives you lemons, keep them. 'Cause hey, free lemons!
lafayettemister
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by JanellElizabethMeyer
Greetings gentlemen, and any ladies reading this!

I've sort of made peace with this issue, but I've not had luck with men in my life. I've been picked on as a kid, and my brother has treated me horribly (so I refuse to call him, unless he calls me) and as a result, I've been a bit afraid of men for a long time. I've had crushes on guys and guys ONLY, but if I approached them, they always turned me down. After decades of this, I told myself, "just concentrate on yourself, and getting a career or better job, make some money, and live your life. You probably won't ever meet a guy, so just get on with it, and don't base your life's happiness on whether or not you get a boyfriend" (I was 39 when I made this declaration, and never had a boyfriend--I'd dated guys, but never a boyfriend.) A few months after I made this declaration, someone who had read some of my writing a few months before, who had commented on it, contacted me and we started emailing. We eventually went out, and I finally had a relationship.

I was attracted to him and everything, and the first couple months it seemed okay, but then it went downhill. Long story short, we were together for 3 1/2 years. I learned some things I should have learned when I was 20, but one thing I haven't learned is why I've not had good luck when it comes to men.

I could not seduce anyone to save my life. I feel invisible. And I'd like to know how much self-esteem and confidence play in the whole man-woman thing. I was more accomplished than my boyfriend (I was 12 years older) but he was threatened that I eventually made more money than he did (I was working three jobs) and dismissed the writing I do (he called it G-rated porn) and told me a book project I'd wanted to work on was stupid.

But long before I met him, I never knew how to talk to men, and even now, sometimes they condescend to me. I feel like sometimes I have this tattoo on my forehead that is visible only to men, and it says, "treat me like shit." I don't know if it's my looks or what. I have a weak chin, which I've been self-conscious about for YEARS. Even when I was slender, I had bad luck with men. The men I was always attracted to were always taken, and the available guys I was not attracted to.

There's a guy I've known for 10 years, and I could probably have been his girlfriend, but I am not attracted to him. Even though I am overweight, I exercise, and I like to go out and do stuff--check out the street fairs and festivals, go to amusement parks, take walks, things like that. This guy is way too overweight to do stuff like that, and I don't want to sit around and just eat all the time with him. I am not the kind of woman who can wrap guys around her finger (I'd love to know what that's like) so it's not like I can say, "hey, let's walk around the mall for a while," or "hey, let's go to the gym."

A friend suggested I go on Match.com after my breakup, and for kicks, I saw some of the guys that were "matches" but I am not attracted to any of them, nor do their profiles seem particularly interesting to me.

I am the kind of woman that you don't notice. I've wondered why men seem to ignore me, and everyone has told me, "just be yourself." Well, being "myself" is not what men want. I've wondered where I've gone wrong. I think it's way too late for me, because I've looked and wondered and I can't find the answer. It can't be the fact that I'm overweight, because I've seen (and I've known) morbidly obese women who have husbands or guy friends, and one that I know personally is downright narcissistic. She used to say mean things to me until she pushed my button one too many times and I got back at her and told her I was tired of her shit.

It would be nice on occasion to step out with a guy that I dig, but I've had bad luck with men, and feel that if I advertise on a site, I'll attract some real weirdos (I worked with someone who went on to murder a local professor, and his accomplices were caught, but the guy I worked with wasn't caught until about six or seven years ago.) I'm getting really good feedback on my writing, and I'm trying to get through a financial crisis (which I think will end in a few months), so I've got some things to look forward to, but I wonder where I've gone wrong when it comes to men. The guy I've felt the most confident with ran off to marry a girlfriend (whom I didn't know about until my friend came back to town and told me about her). I knew the marriage would end, and I was right. My friend moved back to town, and I contacted him to ask what happened to us (I am not sure why he kept her a secret; if we were just friends, why wouldn't he tell me about her until the last minute) and he apologized, but we have not resumed our friendship. I emailed him a few times, and he responded, but the last time I emailed him it was last summer and he never wrote me back.

Any thoughts?


First of all, "luck" with the opposite sex is a misnomer. Most of us have to work at it one way or another. I was never lucky enough to have pussy just fall into my lap. Guys you approach turn you down.. how do you approach them? Maybe they have a valid reason?

No one should treat you like shit and as soon as someone does, you should stand up to them immediately. Show some pluck and it'll get you far.

You say men are condescending yet you talk about a guy who you could date but won't because he's overweight. YOu don't say he's mean or rude or treats you badly, only that he's fat. He may be feeling the same things about women that you do about men, and you're contributing to it. And you don't have to have a guy wrapped around your finger to suggest a walk around the mall. But you could be his friend or girlfriend and invite him along to fairs and festivals and amusement parks and walks, just being with you may be enough to get him off the couch and more active. Sure, if you open up with "let's hit the gym", he'll think you're judging him.... just as you have felt judged. Nothing wrong with inviting a friend to the park for a picnic, and you could walk around while you're there.

You could "advertise" on a website, and yeah, you may encounter some "weirdos". But you'd also encounter some good guys, normal guys, regular guys. Don't hide behind your fears, and claim something else. Be careful by all means. However don't shun a possibility with excuses.

If what you've done to find a suitable mate hasn't worked, you gotta try something else! And contrary to popular belief, most men aren't pigs. Most of us are just plain ol' average Joes looking for our Jane. I hope I was direct and not disrespectful in my reply. But it seems to me you're displaying alot of the same behavior towards guys that you claim guys show towards you.



When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. Socrates
Adventurer
Active Ink Slinger
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We all can seduce its a matter of confidence, and by our question you seem to had that knocked out of you. I apologies on behave of the male population of how they had treated you, good luck in your search. Nobody is ever truly invisible it's just being able to see who it is tat notices you in the crowd and if need be approaching them.
Ace1047
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In the words of Joss Whedon:
"Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck"
And I've only begun fucking with you people.
At the end of the day, it's all math.
JanellElizabethMeyer
Rookie Scribe
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Okay, I finally got around to reading these replies. Thanks for responding.

I'm trying to lose weight and I've lost 20 pounds so far, and plan to lose more. That being said, it would be nice if a guy could understand that. The guy I mentioned previously who wanted to date me is getting worse health-wise. I don't think he works, and I think his plan is to coast until he can get disability.

I try to explain and give examples of what I've been dealing with. If I seem overly detailed, sorry. I like to write and I like to give examples of what has happened. And feel free to tune out. Most men do.

There's really no place to go to meet the kind of men that I want to meet. I've gone jogging, skating, walking around the mall, and walking around my neighborhood, but it really blows when I smile and say hi to the men out working in their yards, etc. and they don't respond to me. If they aren't going to smile and say hi back, why bother?

The one guy I've been really interested in is married. He started talking to me last fall (he complimented me on my hair right after I got it cut) and I developed a crush on him. I really felt like I hit it off with him, but he's married. He approached me (he initiated conversation) and I felt comfortable with that, so I started talking to him. I've tried to start conversations with men, only to have that glazed look in their eye, even when I ask THEM questions that are legitimate and not stupid bullshit small talk questions.

I go skiing because I love it, and I go to an amusement park on a regular basis, but I've spent the entire day at both places without seeing a man I'm interested in talking to, nor do men approach me. And if they do talk to me at the ski place, it's to ask me if I want to borrow goggles or something.

So I'm out there doing stuff that I like, but the men I see don't strike me as being very interesting. If I ski every weekend and go to the amusement park every week during the summer (which I cannot afford) I doubt I would improve my chances.

I think I know what the answer is. Something is terribly wrong with me and I can't figure out what's wrong, what will work (I've been in therapy for four years now) and I'm almost tired to death trying to figure it out.

Thanks anyway.
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if you want someone to talk with, message me. smile