Join the best erotica focused adult social network now
Login

Sentence Structure

last reply
10 replies
1.5k views
0 watchers
0 likes
ThatStoryGuy
Active Ink Slinger
0 likes
I recently submitted a few stories and have got feedback regarding sentence structure. I was hoping you guys could help me. After all, you have the experience. Not calling you old or anything ;) I apologize if you are not allowed to do this but i will post the story and I was wondering if you could pick a paragraph, obviously not the whole story I would like to get better at writing... not cheat :P, and correct it and show me why the sentence structure was wrong. And also punctuation. I am aware length is a problem, but I don't want to make it longer with the same mistakes in it.

Darkness is an odd thing to see. Sometimes, darkness can be scary but not this kind. This was self induced. The sun shone from above onto my neck and head, a spectacular feeling. It just couldn't overpower the feeling of nerves, sexual excitement that I felt. I felt, as I can only put it, like a slut. I'd never felt this way before and i'm not too sure I like it. We shall see. Sure I had done this before but not like this!

"Meet me in the Sherwood forest, on the floor, blindfolded. I'll take up your offer." Was a message I received but an hour ago.

I wondered why he wanted it blindfolded? Perhaps he was ugly? Maybe even famous?! I heard the crunch of leaves like a foot had fallen on them. Then another, and then another. It was time. The adrenaline began to get to me, I felt my cock slowly become hard within my trousers. I was only 18 but had been a cock loving slut for two years. My first taste was but a day after my birthday. Just turned 16 so I and a few friends decided to have a sleepover, a childish sentiment maybe. But after a few drinks and far too much porn we were all horny and... I stopped thinking about that night. Again, my attention was taken by the footsteps.

I was excited for my first ever meetup as I felt the sun blocked off by a sudden shadow. I noticed the footsteps had stopped. This must be him. He seemed to inspect me, without even touching me. His glare was piercing despite my inability to see him. It was as though he owned me and would inspect me like a possession. I felt his hand on my head as he brought me to his cock. I reached out my tongue to touch it and I licked all the way along it's shaft. It was huge perhaps the biggest I had ever touched. I let out a sudden moan of pleasure as I was unable to control myself. I reached out my hands and took it into my mouth, even while not hard it filled my mouth. I cupped his balls into my hands and felt them. They were perfect. I could imagine the cum inside, just waiting to be emptied down my throat. Suddenly he pushed my head further away so it no longer filled my mouth, this man knew what he wanted and I loved it.

I licked it slowly and flicked my tongue over it's head until it was fully hard. He pulled my head closer as I took it into my mouth and I began to suck it slowly to tease. I could be a naughty slut sometimes. Ten minutes of flicking and gentle teasing past but this man obviously had experience. He pushed my head slightly faster and his cock slightly further into my mouth. I felt so dirty and degraded. I knew nothing of this man and yet would do anything he asked.

Suddenly a frenzy caught him and he pushed it deep into my mouth. Not my first deep throat but one of my most difficult by far. And most pleasurable. He fucked my mouth fast it felt like he would never stop. It was like this for what can only be described as a while because I lost track of time. He began to moan, the first I had heard from this mysterious man. I could tell he would cum soon.

I heard "Make sure you swallow it, you little slut." in between his moans of pleasure.

I felt his cum shoot down my throat in streams after streams. Even if I hadn't wanted to I would have had to swallow it. I licked any cum left on his cock's head. It was delicious, better than I had ever tasted. He took his cock out of my mouth and presumably back into it's cage. The monster it was. He threw me to the floor and left. I felt used and devalued, like the cum slut I am... And I liked it.

Hope you enjoyed that, please feel free to leave any comments and suggestions. But this was my first time writing so play nice ;) If you pm me I will answer and If you enjoyed it I could try and do requests. Looking forward to talking to you and receiving your feedback.



As I said before, I apologize if it is not allowed and I am sure an admin will edit or contact me if there are any problems.

Looking forward to your help and, in effect, training of me as a young writer!
Milik_the_Red
Internet Philosopher
0 likes
Hi, from what I can see, and I've not read it all by any means, your problem is more about creating a visual image more than sentence structure. However, maybe I can give you some pointers.

A sentence first should try to convey a thought. If it is held to this, it will be short, clear, and to the point. That makes it technically accurate, but also boring to read. To improve this, try modifying the thought.

You wrote:

"Meet me in the Sherwood forest, on the floor, blindfolded. I'll take up your offer." Was a message I received but an hour ago."

Not technically terrible, but it doesn't do itself any favors either. He speaks of an offer, but you said nothing of this before the mention here. How is the reader suppose to know?

Infact, we know nothing of who is narrating or what his or hers goals are. The character needs to be explained for us to care. These are the things that are hurting your story.

As to the sentence, I might have written it this way:

About an hour before my phone chirped and the message icon flashed. Excitement coursed through me and my hand trembled as I checked the screen. I didn't know what I wanted, what I feared more. Did I get a response? If I did, then what would be the demand?.

My breath caught in my throat as I read the message. It was short, but terrifying in its reality. 'Go to the Sherwood and lay on the ground. Put on a blind fold and be silent. I have accepted your offer.'

As you can tell, making it interesting takes work and it takes thought, but if you do not, your story is nothing more than a series of statements. Use metaphore and elaborate the dramatic points. That is the best advice I can give.
ThatStoryGuy
Active Ink Slinger
0 likes
Ah, thankyou! That is fantastic help. Let's see what my brain can come up with now I have a few guidelines.
Dirty_D
Head Nurse
0 likes
Quote by ThatStoryGuy


"Meet me in the Sherwood forest, on the floor, blindfolded. I'll take up your offer." Was a message I received but an hour ago. That is not Not a Sentence. Make it read like this: "Meet me in the Sherwood forest, on the floor, blindfolded. I'll take up your offer," was a message I received but an hour ago.

I wondered why he wanted it blindfolded? This is not a question. If it I were writing it, I would connect this independent clause with the next utilizing a semicolon. This would keep the thoughts connected, and make it a question. Perhaps he was ugly? Maybe even famous?! I heard the crunch of leaves like a foot had fallen on them. Then another, and then another. Again, This is not a sentence. connect this dependent clause to the previous independent clause with a comma. It was time. The adrenaline began to get to me, I felt my cock slowly become hard within my trousers. I was only 18 comma but had been a cock loving slut for two years. My first taste was but a day after my birthday. Who just turned 16? Needs a subject in this sentence. ie: I just turned 16, and with a few friends decided... Alternatively, you could start with the action. Having just turned 16, a few friends and I decided....->Just turned 16comma so I and a few friends a few friends and I. Always put I at the end of a list never the beginning. decided to have a sleepover, a childish sentiment maybe. But after a few drinks and far too much porn we were all horny and... I stopped thinking about that night. Again, my attention was taken by the footsteps.



Hope this gives you some more help.
Liz
Scarlet Seductress
0 likes
Quote by Milik_The_Red
Hi, from what I can see, and I've not read it all by any means, your problem is more about creating a visual image more than sentence structure. However, maybe I can give you some pointers.

A sentence first should try to convey a thought. If it is held to this, it will be short, clear, and to the point. That makes it technically accurate, but also boring to read. To improve this, try modifying the thought.

You wrote:

"Meet me in the Sherwood forest, on the floor, blindfolded. I'll take up your offer." Was a message I received but an hour ago."

Not technically terrible, but it doesn't do itself any favors either. He speaks of an offer, but you said nothing of this before the mention here. How is the reader suppose to know?

Infact, we know nothing of who is narrating or what his or hers goals are. The character needs to be explained for us to care. These are the things that are hurting your story.

As to the sentence, I might have written it this way:

About an hour before my phone chirped and the message icon flashed. Excitement coursed through me and my hand trembled as I checked the screen. I didn't know what I wanted, what I feared more. Did I get a response? If I did, then what would be the demand?.

My breath caught in my throat as I read the message. It was short, but terrifying in its reality. 'Go to the Sherwood and lay on the ground. Put on a blind fold and be silent. I have accepted your offer.'

As you can tell, making it interesting takes work and it takes thought, but if you do not, your story is nothing more than a series of statements. Use metaphore and elaborate the dramatic points. That is the best advice I can give.


Now this I want to read smile
Good advice, Milik!
ThatStoryGuy
Active Ink Slinger
0 likes
I used to have a load of commas in it but I mis-interpreted the feedback from the moderators and removed them. Ah, we all learn eventually. Thank-you again!
clum
Clumeleon
0 likes
Quote by naughtynurse
I suggest you go here:

This is one of the better pieces of advice on punctuation and how to use it.


Where?

EDIT: Ahh, you fixed it.
Milik_the_Red
Internet Philosopher
0 likes
Quote by ThatStoryGuy
I used to have a load of commas in it but I mis-interpreted the feedback from the moderators and removed them. Ah, we all learn eventually. Thank-you again!


There are numerous resources here and on the web that beautifully explain how commas work. It can be complex, and I'm poor at it myself. However, a good rule of thumb is that you generally need a comma when the current thought stops and is modified by another. It usually happens when a conjunction is used, but not always. You need to be aware of what you are writing. Do not try to merge more than two ideas, and read it back to make sure it doesn't wander aimlessly.
Ruthie
Empress of the Moon
0 likes
"Darkness is an odd thing to see. Sometimes, darkness can be scary but not this kind. This was self induced. The sun shone from above onto my neck and head, a spectacular feeling. It just couldn't overpower the feeling of nerves, sexual excitement that I felt. I felt, as I can only put it, like a slut. I'd never felt this way before and i'm not too sure I like it. We shall see. Sure I had done this before but not like this!"

Sometimes, darkness can be scary, but not this kind of self induced darkness. There was the spectacular feeling of the sun shining on my neck and head from above, but it couldn't overpower the feeling of sexual excitement, the nervousness, that I felt. I felt like a slut. It was a feeling I'd never had before, and I wasn't sure that I liked it. I had done this before, but never like this. I'd just have to wait and see.



"Meet me in the Sherwood forest, on the floor, blindfolded. I'll take up your offer." Was a message I received but an hour ago.

How about: An hour ago I received a message, "Meet me in the Sherwood forest, on the floor, blindfolded. I'll take up your offer."
[url]http://[/url]
ThatStoryGuy
Active Ink Slinger
0 likes
Thanks to all! Got it accepted, the start of a story writing journey I hope.