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What is your experience with affairs? Options · View
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, September 04, 2013 5:38:19 AM

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Slutsharon wrote:
I have, and I really enjoyed it. TIhe way he treated me, the things he would do to me mmmm,
I would do it again in a heartbeat.

I would love to have an affair with you
Desmondo
Posted: Wednesday, September 04, 2013 6:02:06 AM

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Yes I had an affair and left my wife - it was one of the most horrible times of my life and I would think very hard about doing it again - it caused pain to four people. That said we are human and these things happen for a reason sadly - some because he/she doesn't give a damn about their partner or because something is not right in that relationship. People make a choice and its not always the best one.

A very tricky subject on which everyone will have their own views - we should respect each and every one of them
MadMartigan
Posted: Wednesday, September 04, 2013 7:02:15 AM

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PersonalAssistant wrote:


isn't that nice!! How I love the judgmental tone. coffee

now, just to clarify something ..... when I was involved with a married man ..... I was single. The person cheating was him. I have never cheated on MY partner, but I am sure you don't give a shit on that angle.


I guess I've just never understood the angle people use when they say they loathe being cheated on. They abhor it. It hurts and cuts them deep.

Yet at the same time, have no issue being the "other person" in an affair. Doesn't the fact a person has been cheated on before open that person's sensitivity up when they get involved in an affair, even if they are single? I'd like to think they learned something.

I mean, if a girl cheated on me down the line and it went to shit in a hand basket, I'm not sure I could be the indirect/direct cause of someone else's pain if a girl chose to have an affair with me in the future.

In that scenario I'm sure the girl in question would likely choose someone else to fuck, but I like to think I'd say no and feel better about myself for doing it.

Do what you want honestly. I've no fucking care in the world. I just don't have sympathy for cheaters or ones who actively choose to be the other man/woman when things turn sour. Mainly though, when it comes to affairs of marriage, it is all about the kids. And if someone knows kids are involved and does it anyway...Yea, they're awful people imo.

Am I going to judge in the person in question didn't know this or that person was married? Hell no. That's unfair manipulation from the actual cheater.

And yes, it is impossible to know everyone's circumstances and reason for doing things on any given day, but...it still takes two to tango. I know I'd suffer major guilt if I fucked a married woman and the husband was the greatest guy in the world and the best of fathers.

I'm still a journalist by nature though. dontknow We're cynics by nature and tend to focus on the bad more often than the good. Forcible habit. Comes with the trade.

jdmagic
Posted: Wednesday, September 04, 2013 11:28:27 AM

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Just read most of these posts, so my 2 cents worth: I think Dutch Mike has it right. No need to be a facilitator. If you are with someone, be with them, through the good and the bad. I know it is hard, because sex is all around, but don't we search for more than that? Shouldn't or couldn't it be more? I'm not being a priest here, and I'm not judging, but I have been in the situation where most people would have told me it would be okay to "stray" from my wife for some gratification. (she was terminally ill and slowly getting worse over an 8 year period.) Some things in life are worth more than one's own pleasure. I know, if I had done something with someone else and she found out, it would have been like a nail driven into her coffin. Is giving one, especially a loved one, that kind of pain worth the small bit of sexual pleasure? I thought not, and still think that way. If you are in a "loveless" relationship… end it, or at least tell your mate your intentions so will have their "blessings," or whatever they bestow on you.
Shazz
Posted: Wednesday, September 04, 2013 12:27:59 PM

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Before I was married I was mistress to an older married guy - it was hot and fun but now I'm married myself not sure I would want to do it again - make life far too complicated!
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, September 04, 2013 2:39:01 PM

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overmykneenow wrote:
It is an interesting fact that amongst women on Lush, those who are over 34 are FOUR times more likely to be interested in "Wife Lover" stories than those who are under 24.

This would suggest that opinions on the morality of cheating change as people get older. It's not just hair that turns grey, your opinions do too.


Now thats a real interesting point.
Dancing_Doll
Posted: Wednesday, September 04, 2013 5:28:32 PM

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Yes... but it was during a phase of doing really bad and self-destructive things in general - so it kind of worked with my reckless spirit. I don't recommend it. I definitely have never (nor would ever) touch a man with kids - that line was never crossed. I don't condone it, but I try not to judge too much. I hate to sound jaded but it's just so commonplace that it's lost a lot of its shock value. That's not to make light of it - I've been cheated on as well (although not in a marriage) so I know both sides of the coin to some degree. I don't have much of the 'cheaters blood' running through me personally though - I have always been extremely loyal when in a relationship.

VanGogh
Posted: Wednesday, September 04, 2013 7:45:33 PM

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MadMartigan wrote:


I guess I've just never understood the angle people use when they say they loathe being cheated on. They abhor it. It hurts and cuts them deep.

Yet at the same time, have no issue being the "other person" in an affair. Doesn't the fact a person has been cheated on before open that person's sensitivity up when they get involved in an affair, even if they are single? I'd like to think they learned something.

I mean, if a girl cheated on me down the line and it went to shit in a hand basket, I'm not sure I could be the indirect/direct cause of someone else's pain if a girl chose to have an affair with me in the future.

In that scenario I'm sure the girl in question would likely choose someone else to fuck, but I like to think I'd say no and feel better about myself for doing it.

Do what you want honestly. I've no fucking care in the world. I just don't have sympathy for cheaters or ones who actively choose to be the other man/woman when things turn sour. Mainly though, when it comes to affairs of marriage, it is all about the kids. And if someone knows kids are involved and does it anyway...Yea, they're awful people imo.

Am I going to judge in the person in question didn't know this or that person was married? Hell no. That's unfair manipulation from the actual cheater.

And yes, it is impossible to know everyone's circumstances and reason for doing things on any given day, but...it still takes two to tango. I know I'd suffer major guilt if I fucked a married woman and the husband was the greatest guy in the world and the best of fathers.

I'm still a journalist by nature though. dontknow We're cynics by nature and tend to focus on the bad more often than the good. Forcible habit. Comes with the trade.



I will take your quoting me, and your subsequent judgment as NOT JUDGING ME ... it's just your humble opinion. :)

Something a few of you under 30 year olds should understand is that almost everyone goes into marriage with similar "ideals" .... never have I heard anyone say "yeah, I'll likely cheat on my spouse cuz we've grown apart" .... or "I'm expecting to divorce" ... yet, over 50% of marriages end in divorce ...... and a surprising amount of still married folks either live in a sexless/roommate marriage or someone (another shocker!) more likely the wife than the husband, will cheat.

Folks - that is reality.

The original OP asked:

drillsarge2 wrote:
Have you had an affair with a married man? Was it something you would do again? How much are you willing to share? As one who has never had an affair in a lot of years of marriage, but has often considered it, I wonder...


My original post still stands .... I would highly NOT recommend an affair because someone always gets hurt. Save your heartache. But by god, don't judge when you haven't been married for 2o years, have not had the experience and certainly cannot understand the complexities of marriage, family, obligations and other stressors.

I think that most people intend on honouring their marriage vows .... but sometimes what happens in life is not planned nor expected. It's reality.









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Ravyn
Posted: Wednesday, September 04, 2013 8:48:29 PM

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PersonalAssistant wrote:


My original post still stands .... I would highly NOT recommend an affair because someone always gets hurt. Save your heartache. But by god, don't judge when you haven't been married for 2o years, have not had the experience and certainly cannot understand the complexities of marriage, family, obligations and other stressors.

I think that most people intend on honouring their marriage vows .... but sometimes what happens in life is not planned nor expected. It's reality.



I agree with you PA, yes I know shocking lol. It is very easy to judge others. Unless you have walked a mile in one's shoes, or own a crystal ball and can see everything, NOBODY has a clue what goes into any decision made by either party in a relationship. Right, wrong or indifferent, ultimately its their decision to make and its not for anyone else to judge.



Guest
Posted: Wednesday, September 04, 2013 8:52:18 PM

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I was married for over 35 years and never cheated. My wife had a disease that affected her mind in the later stages before she passed and accused my of cheating 24/7. It was devastating to be accused but I knew she couldn't help it. I kinda believe if you are going to cheat then leave your spouse first. Better all around.
Guest
Posted: Thursday, September 05, 2013 12:43:43 AM

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Some appropriate music maybe? Enjoy.

Dani
Posted: Thursday, September 05, 2013 1:01:23 AM

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Dancing_Doll wrote:
Yes... but it was during a phase of doing really bad and self-destructive things in general - so it kind of worked with my reckless spirit. I don't recommend it. I definitely have never (nor would ever) touch a man with kids - that line was never crossed. I don't condone it, but I try not to judge too much. I hate to sound jaded but it's just so commonplace that it's lost a lot of its shock value. That's not to make light of it - I've been cheated on as well (although not in a marriage) so I know both sides of the coin to some degree. I don't have much of the 'cheaters blood' running through me personally though - I have always been extremely loyal when in a relationship.


This. All of it.


"Bitch, who asked you?" - A Bitch Who Didn't Ask You

Guest
Posted: Thursday, September 05, 2013 1:19:22 AM

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WellMadeMale wrote:


Meh, don't let the sanctimonious get to ya, PA. I've walked a coupla miles in your moccasins too. They haven't...or they've been cheated on and were duped and are thus - pissed at themselves for being duped.

I've been cheated on, and I've cheated on women. I've fucked married women who were cheating on their marriage vows cuz they weren't getting any dick at home, or their husbands were out fucking around on them or their husbands or boyfriends decided drinking kegs of beer and growing an extra four chins was more important than ..

You get my drift.

Don't want to get cheated on? Don't be a fucktard to your significant other.

If you don't like that answer...

Then fuck off, it's the truth and that shit hurts worse than anything else, doesn't it?


At the risk of getting piled on I just wanted to add...there once was a time when more marriages survived than failed. When cheating wasn't a norm or expected (50/50) outcome in a relationship. That said, what our society has become is a disposable society even in regard to individual relationships and I can't see how that can be treated nonchalantly. It happens...yep. All the time. But like I stated, once upon a time it wasn't the norm. Once upon a time "no-fault" divorce was not a part of our vernacular.

Please don't take this a judgement because I'm not passing judgement on you or anyone else. I'm just saying...there once was a time when the "institution of marriage" was actually an institution. When the institution was respected, almost sacred. I'm young and maybe this is pie in the sky thinking but there was a time when our society wasn't so disposable.
Sirene_Jaune
Posted: Thursday, September 05, 2013 2:12:36 AM

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My lover is still legally married. Even though he has seperated from his wife two years ago. She lives 3 hours away and only visits their kids once a year when it is her favourite kid's birthday. I was an aquaintence to my lover for almost two months when I meet him.

We work in the same building and would do some projects together but that was it. Cut long story short he barely talked about his romantic life, happy to talk about his kids. Three months after meeting him I broke up with my long term partner (for various reasons) and found a good listen who didn't judge me and offered advice.

A month later we fucked and agreed to be fuck buddies. I had no idea he was legally married for almost six weeks after we first fucked. It was by accident when I saw mail addressed to "MRS J R Blogs" that it hit me. I am fucking a married man.

He would always refer to his wife as "My ex partner". No idea that he is married at the time. I believe his wife doesn't know who I am. I try not to involve myself when it comes to him and his wife as I don't see it as my business.

Since he is raising his kids, the hardest thing is not to get attached to them. They know me as the family friend. I now only see the kids once every forenight. Even when I do go to his house through the week we wait for the kids to go to sleep so I can go over.

Axl - Take a look at our piercing menu.

Daria - I don't think that's how you spell "uvula."

Axl - That's not "uvula."

From: "Daria" episode "Pierce Me"
Dancing_Doll
Posted: Thursday, September 05, 2013 5:50:07 AM

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Kristind wrote:


At the risk of getting piled on I just wanted to add...there once was a time when more marriages survived than failed. When cheating wasn't a norm or expected (50/50) outcome in a relationship. That said, what our society has become is a disposable society even in regard to individual relationships and I can't see how that can be treated nonchalantly. It happens...yep. All the time. But like I stated, once upon a time it wasn't the norm. Once upon a time "no-fault" divorce was not a part of our vernacular.

Please don't take this a judgement because I'm not passing judgement on you or anyone else. I'm just saying...there once was a time when the "institution of marriage" was actually an institution. When the institution was respected, almost sacred. I'm young and maybe this is pie in the sky thinking but there was a time when our society wasn't so disposable.


I think that marriages were more robust back in that era because divorce was frowned upon and women were less likely to be in the workforce and have their own money so they didn't really have the same kind of freedom to make decisions like going at it as a single mom or facing society as a 'divorced woman' - so *I think* they were probably more likely to suck it up if a spouse cheated and work on forgiveness and keeping the family unit intact while keeping the actual scandal very 'hush-hush' in the community. That whole 'boys will be boys' mentality coupled with blaming those slutty wanton women for tempting their family man that maybe just experienced a moment of weakness because of his biology seemed to be the norm. I believe there was more slut-shaming back then too - the division between a good married christian woman and a woman that had sex out of wedlock with married men etc. The culture was more focused on maintaining the nuclear family and working it out.

I'm sure cheating stats have gone up since then due to more opportunities as both genders are likely in the workforce, meeting more people, getting online and broadening their social horizons when they're bored etc. There's just more candy out there to think about having a taste of. There is also, as you said, a more disposable outlook now to relationships and marriages. But... I'm not so sure it's about the cheating stats - I've always seen it as more financial viability to leave a spouse that pisses you off or cheats and more opportunity as a divorced person to meet new people and not be stigmatized. To seek your own happiness rather than suffer in silence etc. When someone cheated back then, you were more likely to see it as a marital-blip rather than cause for divorce. I might be wrong, but that's always been my take on the differences between past and present.

I agree with your sentiments though. It's one of the major factors that plays into my commitment phobia and jaded outlook on marriage. On the other hand, I'm happy that people today do have that option to leave a bad marriage if they want to. Personal freedom and happiness has always been more important to me than any institution that would seek to trap you. Being stuck in a bad marriage with a cheating spouse and limited by my options to leave, therefore being forced to put on a smiley face and bake another apple pie seems far more depressing somehow.

Guest
Posted: Thursday, September 05, 2013 7:12:20 AM

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fyi a link for you if you are interested. Surprised the hell out of me.Embarassed

http://magazine.foxnews.com/love/cheating-statistics-do-men-cheat-more-women
Metilda
Posted: Thursday, September 05, 2013 7:48:40 AM

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I disagree that someone always gets hurt.

My ex cheated on me and it was what I needed to realize our marriage was truly shit, truly over, and the only way to officially end it was if I left. Of course, that was amid all the other things like his abusive nature and drug use, but the cheating, for some reason, was the thing that made me realize I could do better in life than be with him.

Did it hurt me? In that moment - when I found out - yes it did.
Did it have long term hurt? No - the moment I decided to leave him I felt like a weight was off my shoulders. It was my "ahha!" moment.
What did hurt? I don't know, maybe he cried over me leaving him. I know I didn't. I was scared to be on my own, but glad I did it.

Dating vs marriage:
In my younger years (teens/early twenties) dating was not the same as marriage.

Dating = boyfriend/girlfriend = light weight, casual, fun, temporary, not serious.
Marriage = husband/wife = serious, heavy, permanent.
I suppose being engaged is the grey area in between the two.

Marriage was 'accepting that we are together' and dating was 'to see if we were compatible, etc' - I never looked at my dating relationships with the same serious eye that I saw my marriage in (my first marriage and my current marriage). I held the two in very different views. Boyfriends came and went. If I was cheated on it didn't break me. If I fooled around I didn't care. I assume some were hurt, but I don't recall anyone ever crying, having a breakdown, telling me I stabbed them in the back, etc. . . we were all just casually floating around together in a strange way and it didn't matter that much because none of us were committed and we all knew it.

Hindsight: I wouldn't have just casually 'dated' anyone - I would have taken 'dating' more seriously in general. Not because it led to cheating / etc - but because I might have gotten more out of relationships if I was more mature about it.

Marriage:
I'm married, now, and we have children together - we've been through hell together.

Having an affair is far different than cheating while dating, in my view. Worlds apart. My husband could break me as a human if he did that to me. I never did let someone have that power over me while I was just dating them.

Why am I pointing out the difference between the two? Because I've seen some people talk about 'cheating while dating' in the same heft as 'an affair during marriage' - and 'people always get hurt' . . . and that, really, depends on who you are.

CwtchBach
Posted: Thursday, September 05, 2013 8:35:07 AM

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Everyone has valid opinions on this subject and to be honest I wish I could turn the clock back on what I did to my very dear wife because she did not deserve being cheated on. It is now over two years since that happened and I can honestly say it will never happen again. I hate what it did to her and our marriage and I hate what it did to me I feel horrible everyday knowing that she is afraid to rely on me fully. Someone mentioned it earlier communication that is what I did not do or my wife for various reasons and partly because of that we weren't as one as we should have been.

I in no way blame anyone else for my actions. I will never let my integrity be put into question ever again.
Plunger
Posted: Thursday, September 05, 2013 9:40:11 AM

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Enjoy the moment, never look back with regret. Truth is if you were faced with the situation again you most likely would make the same choice!
Dancing_Doll
Posted: Thursday, September 05, 2013 9:56:39 AM

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Metilda wrote:


Having an affair is far different than cheating while dating, in my view. Worlds apart. My husband could break me as a human if he did that to me. I never did let someone have that power over me while I was just dating them.

Why am I pointing out the difference between the two? Because I've seen some people talk about 'cheating while dating' in the same heft as 'an affair during marriage' - and 'people always get hurt' . . . and that, really, depends on who you are.


I agree to a certain extent - but it really depends on the nature of the commitment and the people involved. I don't see a marriage certificate necessary though to feel the weight of cheating or an affair - especially in this day and age when I find a lot of people my age are more reluctant to sign the deed.

In my case we had been living together for years and were for all intents and purposes 'married' aside from the official stamp. Toward the end there were serious red flags and doubts but for some reason I still felt reluctant about parting ways. When he cheated it was, in a way, a good 'emotional last straw' as you mentioned. It was easier to end it and not consider the 'what ifs' because I lost total respect for him and the way it was handled and it was like an emotional window just slammed shut for me. It was easy to walk away, even while he was remorsefully trying to get me to reconsider. Had I not found out about it, I probably would have stayed and continued trying to bail a sinking ship. I never blamed the other girl - even though she was aware of the whole situation. He was the one that had made the commitment so I placed the blame squarely where it belonged. I was hurt, definitely, but I can be quite cold and matter of fact about things like this and I don't like to show weakness. I just did what was necessary to move on with my life without excessive drama and tears. Everyone reacts to such things differently maybe depending on one's outlook on life, commitment and fidelity. Whether we'd had a white wedding day or not - I would have felt the same about it. It just would have involved more paperwork.



Nikki703
Posted: Thursday, September 05, 2013 10:15:55 AM

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I have never knowingly been with a married man nor would I ever do that. I have had one nighters where you never really know the guys true story. I have had a little fling with a married woman but her husband knew about it and was cool with it so that really isn't cheating right.

But overall I don't believe in cheating, but who am I to judge what others do!
Nikki703
Posted: Thursday, September 05, 2013 10:23:08 AM

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Metilda wrote:


Having an affair is far different than cheating while dating, in my view. Worlds apart. My husband could break me as a human if he did that to me. I never did let someone have that power over me while I was just dating them.

Why am I pointing out the difference between the two? Because I've seen some people talk about 'cheating while dating' in the same heft as 'an affair during marriage' - and 'people always get hurt' . . . and that, really, depends on who you are.


I really don't see the difference, Cheating is Cheating!! I agree the consequences are much greater when married but in both instances you are betraying your partners trust.
curvygalore
Posted: Thursday, September 05, 2013 11:32:44 AM

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This is a very interesting thread, as it is provoking very strong emotional reactions from many readers. Thus "cheating" seems to be very personal in its definition, and I felt that Nikki's point about her fling with a married woman (whose husband was comfortably in the know about it) was very helpful, in that this defines the difference between an open and an exclusive relationship. To further that point one could argue that "cheating" isn't just about the sex, but about one partner lying to the other, the betrayal being at least as much emotional as sexual. So in a mutually agreed open relationship, there may be lots of sex with different people but no betrayal, depending on what has been agreed between the partnership which brings us back to that great point someone was making about communication.
In my personal experience, whenever I have been approached by a man in an exclusive relationship who wanted an affair with me, the main thing that has struck me was the lack of thinking ahead of any consequences of such actions; as though it was perfectly possible to keep an on going secret, and live two separate lives without them leaking into each other and imploding simply through an act of will; followed by the blankly dismissive look when I pointed out that this wasn't realistic (possibly not thinking with their brains at the time!)
Life is complicated, and this is a very grey area and each person's experience is varied and can't be judged. Its been really enlightening to read such honest responses.
Metilda
Posted: Thursday, September 05, 2013 12:46:03 PM

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Nikki703 wrote:


I really don't see the difference, Cheating is Cheating!! I agree the consequences are much greater when married but in both instances you are betraying your partners trust.


Well, there has to be an established trust or commitment component for it to be violated.

Nikki703
Posted: Thursday, September 05, 2013 2:30:34 PM

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Metilda wrote:


Well, there has to be an established trust or commitment component for it to be violated.


True. But if the you call the person your BF or GF a level of commitment and trust is implied, at least it is to me. I would not call someone my BF or GF if I looked at it as a casual relationship. And if either I or the person dated someone else at the same time I wouldn't consider it cheating.

One of my daughters dates a few people but nothing is serious and she made it known up front it was not an exclusive relationship. Is she cheating on each of them? Not in my eyes.


curvygalore wrote:
To further that point one could argue that "cheating" isn't just about the sex, but about one partner lying to the other, the betrayal being at least as much emotional as sexual. So in a mutually agreed open relationship, there may be lots of sex with different people but no betrayal, depending on what has been agreed between the partnership which brings us back to that great point someone was making about communication.


I totally agree!
Elling50
Posted: Thursday, September 05, 2013 4:47:33 PM

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What is cheating? Is it about the sex?

Deception and lying destroys trust that is very important in a relationship. Affairs compete with the love and attachment in a relationship.

But should one be more overbearing with just sex outside the primary relationship? Sex that is just for physical pleasure? Sex that is the result of a moments heat, but not a sign of losing love with your significant other? Or will extramarital sex always be a disaster that will destroy the relationship if discovered?
Guest
Posted: Thursday, September 05, 2013 5:19:14 PM

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Elling50 wrote:
What is cheating? Is it about the sex?

Deception and lying destroys trust that is very important in a relationship. Affairs compete with the love and attachment in a relationship.

But should one be more overbearing with just sex outside the primary relationship? Sex that is just for physical pleasure? Sex that is the result of a moments heat, but not a sign of losing love with your significant other? Or will extramarital sex always be a disaster that will destroy the relationship if discovered?


OMG! So, let me get this straight. "I fucked her but I make love to you" is this the balance of what should be considered when a SO has crossed the boundaries of an exclusive relationship? Seriously?

How does this sound...or feel, "Hi honey, how was your day."
"Same-o, same-o. Got the report in on time."
"Great honey! How'd the boss like your presentation?"
"Well, that part was not so great. I guess he wanted more."
"Aww, sorry to hear about that. How was the rest of your day?"
"Well, the meeting pissed me off. Luckily, Caroline, treated me to lunch. You know, to lift my spirits a bit."
"Caroline? Who's Caroline?"
"You know Caroline. That blonde bombshell with the desk by the windows. Gawd, she gives a great blow job."
"Really?"
"Yeah. I always wondered what those dark red lipsticked lips could do and boy did it lift me out of a funk. After that I got my whole desk cleaned off."
"Oh gee baby, I'm sooo glad to hear that your day ended up so productive."
"Yeah, me too. She swallows ya know?"
"Great! I'm so glad for you. Dinner will be ready in about 15 minutes so you just relax. I'm sure you're just exhausted."

As WMM says...MEH!
LadyX
Posted: Thursday, September 05, 2013 5:35:21 PM

Rank: Artistic Tart
Moderator

Joined: 9/25/2009
Posts: 4,804
PersonalAssistant wrote:


Something a few of you under 30 year olds should understand is that almost everyone goes into marriage with similar "ideals" .... never have I heard anyone say "yeah, I'll likely cheat on my spouse cuz we've grown apart" .... or "I'm expecting to divorce" ... yet, over 50% of marriages end in divorce ...... and a surprising amount of still married folks either live in a sexless/roommate marriage or someone (another shocker!) more likely the wife than the husband, will cheat.

Folks - that is reality.


Applause

I'm one of those under 30 year olds, yet I'd like to say I understand what you're saying in a crystal clear way. And I'll take it step further. Nobody notices the gleam in a man's eye and thinks, "In two months I'll get high and fuck a co-worker behind his back." Nobody thinks, "this is doomed from the start, I'm effectively leading him down a path toward heartbreak." Maybe if we were smarter or more self-aware, we'd see those sorts of things coming (especially the latter), but we don't. We have baggage, not to blame it on that, but our pasts do inform our future. They're either assets or they're things we have to try to overcome, with varying levels of success.

Feelings aren't logical, neither are hormones. Of course cheating is bad, so is murder, and so is tax fraud. Here's a cookie for that blanket assessment. Only a true sociopath would be unmoved by the collateral damage of infidelity. Yet, we can't deny that it's overwhelmingly the product of happenstance, borne either out of carelessness or found at the end of a winding and misleading emotional path.

It's easy to judge. Cheating is one of those easy 'black/white' issues to render judgment on from the outside. Cheaters are bad/hurtful/sociopathic/selfish etc., we can all nod our heads. Does that make anyone feel better to say?

I've cheated. More than once. Throw all the stones you want, call me a homewrecker, get lost in a fit of self-righteousness- whatever. I have my reasons, and my circumstances, which led to my decisions, none of which would excuse my actions nor anyone else's. I'm not proud of a lot of things I've done, so if it makes anyone feel better for declaring their loss of respect for us, the unclean philanderers among the rest of you, then do what you have to do. Hopefully it brings you peace, and you'll always be 'right' from an objective point of view.

But see, that's the thing- instances of cheating are never objective. As Mazza so eloquently said, all kinds of factors come into play anytime anyone cheats on a partner. There aren't just mitigating circumstances involved; the whole damn situation is a confluence of highly personal circumstances.

I'll add the obligatory "I'm not harshing on anyone in particular" disclaimer here. I'm reacting only to prevailing attitude, not to people. It's the attitude that's so easy to represent, but in doing so, is so blind to circumstance as well as improperly dismissive of people who end up in these scenarios.
Guest
Posted: Thursday, September 05, 2013 6:09:08 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 700,331
Metilda wrote:
I disagree that someone always gets hurt.

My ex cheated on me and it was what I needed to realize our marriage was truly shit, truly over, and the only way to officially end it was if I left. Of course, that was amid all the other things like his abusive nature and drug use, but the cheating, for some reason, was the thing that made me realize I could do better in life than be with him.

Did it hurt me? In that moment - when I found out - yes it did.
Did it have long term hurt? No - the moment I decided to leave him I felt like a weight was off my shoulders. It was my "ahha!" moment.
What did hurt? I don't know, maybe he cried over me leaving him. I know I didn't. I was scared to be on my own, but glad I did it.



Metilda, you say you disagree someone always gets hurt, then say you did get hurt when you found out about your ex cheating on you. Whether it led to your decision to leave him or not, you say were still hurt initially.

I agree someone always gets hurt. Whether it's the spouse, the cheater or the third party, perhaps more than one person gets hurt. I've never heard of someone that was involved somehow in infidelity and wasn't hurt in some way when the affair (or one night stand) was discovered or ended.



SereneProdigy
Posted: Thursday, September 05, 2013 7:07:12 PM

Rank: Cryptic Vigilante
Moderator

Joined: 7/16/2013
Posts: 2,700
Location: Over the Rainbow
Very interesting thread, and very interesting people here. I read all of it.

LadyX summed up my opinion the best. Everyone will surely agree that in a perfect world each person should find the perfect mate, live the perfect love and be eternally faithfull, but things only rarely turn out to be that way. Cheating is just one of many things that can make a relationship go wrong, and often times it is simply a manifestation of such a misfortune and not really the cause. However we may condemn it, it has always happened and will happen many times again ; humans are nothing more than animals with golden rules.

I have never cheated or got cheated on myself, but I don't judge others either. I've known plenty of morally respectable people who got involved in such affairs. The only persons I blame are those who do it out of complete disregard for their partner and take pride in it.
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