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Is everything okay babe?

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Just wondering. Women are able to include a man in their world more easily then men can. Face it, we're easy. But, rather than be with someone who cares and thinks of you in every way, women seem to prefer being alone or waiting. To be with someone that's a momentary turn on, rather than be with someone who cares. Not a beta male, or push over, just someone who actually cares.

Back story: I'm totally in love with a lady at work. She's a single mom, my age, beautiful. In my eyes. I've invited her to lunch, nothing. She doesn't go to lunch with others either. I've looked out for her when she's sick/down. Never leaned toward anything more than just lunch in order to get to know one another. Nothing. I know it's a dead end road. But, what is in her head? The proverbial question of most men, married or single, if they actually care. We've talked frequently, and we get along well, and like me, she's probably home now sitting alone as I am.

Problem: excuse my frankness, but I usually don't shit where I eat, but she is persistently on my mind, like now. She's very timid, and very shy although she is always dressed fashionably. She never leaves the office, so she doesn't dress for attention, she just has self respect and she always looks great. And, no, she does not have a boyfriend, or steady, we've talked about that. Two adults, single parents, I'm totally confused.

So, how do I make it better?

p.s.: Video found by inspiration from personal assistant.
Dani
Big-haired Bitch
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There's really nothing you can do unless she allows it. There's probably a reason she's so closed off and self-kept. You don't know what kind of relationship she may have come out of. Maybe she's not open to anything more right now, and as frustrating as it is, you just kind of have to accept it. I mean it's not really her fault you fell in love with her. From what you've described, it doesn't even seem like she tried to make you fall in love with her. You can't make her open up to you. These things can't be forced.

You either wait for her to come around or move on. If you choose the former, then you have to be patient. Like really patient. Nothing ever happens as fast as you want it to.

Either way, best of luck.

░P░U░S░S░Y░ ░I░N░ ░B░I░O░


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Quote by Highwayman


Just wondering. Women are able to include a man in their world more easily then men can. Face it, we're easy. But, rather than be with someone who cares and thinks of you in every way, women seem to prefer being alone or waiting. To be with someone that's a momentary turn on, rather than be with someone who cares. Not a beta male, or push over, just someone who actually cares.

Correct.

Quote by Highwayman
Back story: I'm totally in love with a lady at work. She's a single mom, my age, beautiful. In my eyes. I've invited her to lunch, nothing. She doesn't go to lunch with others either. I've looked out for her when she's sick/down. Never leaned toward anything more than just lunch in order to get to know one another. Nothing. I know it's a dead end road. But, what is in her head? The proverbial question of most men, married or single, if they actually care. We've talked frequently, and we get along well, and like me, she's probably home now sitting alone as I am..

Try harder. Keep trying. That is what will show her that you care. She is single mom, she has priorities, show her that you are willing to pass trough those barrieres and actualy be there. Try harder.

Quote by Highwayman
Problem: excuse my frankness, but I usually don't shit where I eat, but she is persistently on my mind, like now. She's very timid, and very shy although she is always dressed fashionably. She never leaves the office, so she doesn't dress for attention, she just has self respect and she always looks great. And, no, she does not have a boyfriend, or steady, we've talked about that. Two adults, single parents, I'm totally confused.

Try harder.

Quote by Highwayman

So, how do I make it better?

Keep trying until she realizes that you mean it for real and not just for fun.
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Thank you both. I'm in no hurry, and am there without being intrusive. Thing with trying harder is I don't want to force it. If it occurs to her, I'd rather it be organic and fluid. Thanks again.
Lustyrose4u
Active Ink Slinger
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Come in early one morning, put a single flower in a bud vase on her desk.
it's a great start.
"When its too kinky for everybody else, its just gettin' good for me."
(Kinky Freedman)
Guest
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Wrote her a poem and emailed her this vid..



The only thing written was..."So what do you think?" She replied and said I was a "special friend."

Call it special, or just friend. Mixed messages are mixed.
Ruthie
Empress of the Moon
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Quote by She

Keep trying until she realizes that you mean it for real and not just for fun.




There is also a danger of being too persistent. Don't go to the point where she feels like you're harassing her. Don't make her feel uncomfortable. There is a chance that she just doesn't feel about you like you feel about her, and that she never will. You say that she is a single parent. Maybe she just isn't ready to date again. Ask her to go out with you and a group of friends.
[url]http://[/url]
Guest
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Hence the ultimate problem. Not making someone you care for feel uncomfortable. Work sucks, feeling uncomfortable while at work would suck even more.
Ardentmale
Chat Moderator
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Without knowing her at all, it is difficult to say why she is acting the way she is... To me, it is very clear she only considers you a friend, based on her "special friend" reply to your email... She certainly may have a personal rule of "Not shitting where she eats" also or one of a thousand other reasons... One thing is certain in my eyes... At this moment, she wants nothing more than friendship for whatever reason it is... You have to accept this or you will be miserable for a very long time at work... Since she is shy and reserved, I wont suggest outright asking her if a relationship is a possibility in the future since her answer would probably be somewhat vague if not an outright lie to protect your feelings... I feel for you and wish you luck... Patience is the word of the day... Continue being the friend you have been and she will see your unwavering friendship... Perhaps when she is ready you will be her first choice...
characterized by intense feeling; passionate; fervent

Intensely devoted, eager, or enthusiastic; zealous

vehement; fierce burning, fiery, or hot
shawnababy
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How old are her kids and how o;d are your kids? If they are close to the same age suggest something that involves them.
Guest
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nope. her boy is in high school, mine still watching Disney channel.
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Quote by Highwayman


Just wondering. Women are able to include a man in their world more easily then men can. Face it, we're easy. But, rather than be with someone who cares and thinks of you in every way, women seem to prefer being alone or waiting. To be with someone that's a momentary turn on, rather than be with someone who cares. Not a beta male, or push over, just someone who actually cares.

Back story: I'm totally in love with a lady at work. She's a single mom, my age, beautiful. In my eyes. I've invited her to lunch, nothing. She doesn't go to lunch with others either. I've looked out for her when she's sick/down. Never leaned toward anything more than just lunch in order to get to know one another. Nothing. I know it's a dead end road. But, what is in her head? The proverbial question of most men, married or single, if they actually care. We've talked frequently, and we get along well, and like me, she's probably home now sitting alone as I am.

Problem: excuse my frankness, but I usually don't shit where I eat, but she is persistently on my mind, like now. She's very timid, and very shy although she is always dressed fashionably. She never leaves the office, so she doesn't dress for attention, she just has self respect and she always looks great. And, no, she does not have a boyfriend, or steady, we've talked about that. Two adults, single parents, I'm totally confused.

So, how do I make it better?

p.s.: Video found by inspiration from personal assistant.


I'm confused, you ask how you can make it better but then you said you weren't in a hurry in a later post.

I don't see the point in expecting a different answer about lunch. Stop asking. Just talk to her. Why is that out of line? If you haven't presented something more than 'we're just friends' then what are you wanting? God to descend from heaven and act as a mediator? You're making no effort - and what's your reason?

She's a single mom and god only knows why, and what difficulties she's faced. You won't know more until you stop being so silent and 'friendsy'
Guest
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Just asking a question, and hoping to be more tactful than your response. Funny that when a guy actually opens his heart and wonders out loud, the hammer comes down. Peace.
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You didn't mention how long you've been trying. She may just need time. Be her friend. If something grows from the friendship, that's wonderful. If her feelings toward you don't grow, you still have a friend.
CurlyGirly
CurlyFries
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Quote by Highwayman


Just wondering. Women are able to include a man in their world more easily then men can. Face it, we're easy. But, rather than be with someone who cares and thinks of you in every way, women seem to prefer being alone or waiting. To be with someone that's a momentary turn on, rather than be with someone who cares. Not a beta male, or push over, just someone who actually cares.

Back story: I'm totally in love with a lady at work. She's a single mom, my age, beautiful. In my eyes. I've invited her to lunch, nothing. She doesn't go to lunch with others either. I've looked out for her when she's sick/down. Never leaned toward anything more than just lunch in order to get to know one another. Nothing. I know it's a dead end road. But, what is in her head? The proverbial question of most men, married or single, if they actually care. We've talked frequently, and we get along well, and like me, she's probably home now sitting alone as I am.

Problem: excuse my frankness, but I usually don't shit where I eat, but she is persistently on my mind, like now. She's very timid, and very shy although she is always dressed fashionably. She never leaves the office, so she doesn't dress for attention, she just has self respect and she always looks great. And, no, she does not have a boyfriend, or steady, we've talked about that. Two adults, single parents, I'm totally confused.

So, how do I make it better?

p.s.: Video found by inspiration from personal assistant.


I can't tell you what's in her head, but I can tell you what's in mine.

I was introduced to a man by a mutual friend a few months ago. He's also divorced, has kids, lives in the same town, funny, kind, active as I am, and thoughtful. However, I am not physically attracted to him in any way shape or form. There is absolutely no spark for me. It's just not there and it's not something that can be forced. Even with beer goggles on there's nothing. (I'm serious) I mentioned from the beginning that I am not interested in a relationship, but he doesn't seem to be taking the hint and mentioned to our mutual friend that he would like to pursue things further. This has now caused me to back off being friends with him. I'm not trying to lead him on, but I'm also not jumping into a relationship with him just because we're in parallel places in our lives. So, as you said, I will be alone and waiting for someone I have a connection with and not just someone who is around and available. So that's how it works out in my mind. I just want to add that my "alone and waiting" is spending a huge amount of time with my kids, family, and friends and enjoying my life for the first time in a long time. This has been a fabulous summer "alone."

Also, once upon a time in the land of my youth, I dated a co-worker. That shit went bad fast. Learned my lesson and never ever ever made that mistake again. Don't know about your friend, but this is definitely why I don't shit where I eat.

Take care and good luck.
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Thank you. That is a good dose of reality and sense. I think it's best to keep the friendship.
Dani
Big-haired Bitch
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You mentioned earlier that you wrote her a poem and dedicated a Youtube video to her. Please never do that again. Like seriously. Nothing's gonna push her away faster than you doing things like that. It reads as a little obsessive and it probably set off all kinds of warning bells in her head.

Honestly, CurlyGirly really gave you the BEST advice. Just because it may seem logical for you to be together, doesn't mean she feels the same. It's about connection. And if she doesn't feel it, there's really nothing you can do. No amount of poems and Youtube videos and lunch dates is gonna change that. It's just gonna run her off. She'll probably just cut you off as a friend.

I know you can't help matters of the heart, but falling in love with her was quite a reckless thing for you to do, given that she doesn't even indicate any signs of liking you more than a friend.

I'm curious to know how/why you fell in love with her in the first place, given that you admittedly don't know anything about her.

Just put yourself in her shoes for a second: Coworker takes me out for lunch a few times and now he's writing me poems and sending me Youtube videos and is in love with me. Doesn't that seem strange to you? Especially since she's probably gone out of her way to hint that you're only friends.

░P░U░S░S░Y░ ░I░N░ ░B░I░O░


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Quote by Highwayman
Just asking a question, and hoping to be more tactful than your response. Funny that when a guy actually opens his heart and wonders out loud, the hammer comes down. Peace.


Sorry if 'talk to her' was a hammer of sorts.

I was a very different single mom and I loathed every minute I was alone but my ex was abusive so I didn't trust anyone, either.

It sounds like you don't know much about her, and so it makes little sense to expect a relationship when all you've presented is friendship.
VanGogh
Sarcastic Coffee Aficionado
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Quote by Highwayman

Funny that when a guy actually opens his heart and wonders out loud, the hammer comes down. Peace.


I think it's important to look at the situation from a distance. When you watch these TV shows (Chicago Fire, The Good Wife, etc) ... you see lots of co-workers or people who work in similar situations, get together in romantic situations. I work in a law firm, and it's amazing how many lawyers date/marry other lawyers. I know personally two couples who work in the medical field that met at a major hospital. The problem with that is this ............... someone has to leave work eventually if they want the relationship to work.

Working with someone you are dating is rarely a good idea (and I know there are lots who say it works) .... but if the relationship goes sideways ... it makes it fucking horrible to go to work.

My personal opinion is that co-workers dating is a bad idea. I once dated a client of the firm I worked for (no not a criminal! lol) ... and my concern for the confidentiality and conflict of interest was great - so I quit my job, knowing my skills were very good and the job market was also very good (I was working again in two weeks). Your friend is the breadwinner of teenagers (very expensive!) ... she needs her job. She will likely consider her employment FOR her children's welfare paramount.

It's not you ..... it's the situation. *hugs


Quote by Highwayman

p.s.: Video found by inspiration from personal assistant.


I am glad you liked The Darcys!
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I know a lot about her, and that inclusion makes it harder to transition from friend to love. I respect her enough, and know enough about her to feel for her, and to stay.

Was just wondering about what I can't see since my hearts in it.

I hear you personalassistant. And thanks again for the songs.
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Quote by Ruthie


There is also a danger of being too persistent. Don't go to the point where she feels like you're harassing her. Don't make her feel uncomfortable. There is a chance that she just doesn't feel about you like you feel about her, and that she never will. You say that she is a single parent. Maybe she just isn't ready to date again. Ask her to go out with you and a group of friends.


There is. However without taking any risk in life..well, each to its own, but personally that is not really living without taking any chances to make any difference.

Higwayman is not 22 anymore, so I didnt explain myself with my posts, I was just expressing oppinion, that he should be consistant in his way to get that woman. There is difference between no and never, stop bugging me and I assume Highwayman is aware of it.

@Higwayman: There was some judging and some bad advices how you should stop sending her poems and clips. Truth is that poems and music is you and why would you change that big part of you just to be with someone, and than what? you'll be miserable the rest of the time with her? You are not every ones cup of tea, hopefully you are hers. Be yourself, dont wait to long and keep asking her out, until you get proper answer.
Dancing_Doll
Alpha Blonde
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Great advice from a lot of people in this thread.

I agree that 'dating a coworker' is kind of one of those things you try to avoid unless the mutual attraction and affinity for each other is so strong that you are willing to risk going against the rules. The rules may be defined by the company (some of them frown on these kinds of relationships) or just a general concern that if/when the relationship tanks, it will be extremely awkward and uncomfortable to still have to see each other every day... Not to mention being gossip fodder for your coworkers as they watch things unfold - including managers. It's really not the best career move to be honest, even though it does happen anyway.

So, in my opinion, to go the coworker route to 'explore' a situation because you have things in common, are at similar life stages, and are friends but *maybe* feelings could develop over time is really throwing that risk:benefit ratio wayyyy out of balance. Coworker affairs and relationships (not counting drunken xmas party hook-ups never to be discussed again) are typically reserved for when the intensity is already there.

In this situation, she has already reaffirmed the 'you're such a good friend' thing. Make no mistake that when a woman says this, she's saying it with the hopes that you will 'get it' and not make things awkward by pushing the romance envelope in her direction. It's a way to avert the awkwardness she sees coming. I'm sure she enjoys talking to you and hanging out during breaks etc, but it's also important to remember that the office is kind of like a forced social bubble in a way - being friends at work, having lunch together and chatting over a cubicle wall or by email doesn't mean that person would consider doing those things with the same person on 'off-time' like weekends or after work. You mentioned that she's not even open to lunches so at this point it becomes even more clear that she's not interested. This could be that she doesn't like the idea of dating a coworker, that she's not attracted to you or the chemistry is off, or that she's just got something else going that you don't know about. You'll never really know, but I would honestly advise against continuing to push for something she clearly isn't interested in. Especially in a work environment, it can make things extremely uncomfortable. It could get to the point that she just avoids you altogether for fear of leading you on and that's probably the last thing you want to happen.

I also think perspective is important too. You're not in love with her. At this point, you're infatuated and possibly have a desire to be a white knight type figure because you perceive her to be unhappy or lonely. There's no doubt that you really like what you know about her so far, but you don't really know her enough to be in love with her in the genuine sense. Without having even gone for lunch, your interaction is limited and you might be romanticizing what you know about her to a degree because she seems to fit the prototype of what you think would be your ideal mate.

I would just relax and be casual and friendly and continue on with life. She already knows you like her (trust me), so the ball is in her court if she ever wants to get to know you more. If you didn't work together, I'd say there might be more leeway if you wanted to lay your cards on the table and get a definitive answer, but because of the situation, I'd advise to take a more cautious approach and lay low. Good luck... smile
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Great advice!! How did it turn out?
WellMadeMale
Constant Gardener
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I could give you the same rock solid advice I once offered to Jebru here on this very forum, four years ago next month. But perhaps he'll answer and pass along my sage advice on how to win over a girl who really doesn't want anything to do with you aside from being your buddy.

Or maybe Nicola would chime in here. I bet she remembers what my guidance was.

The same GQP demanding we move on from January 6th, 2021 is still doing audits of the November 3rd, 2020 election.
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Sometimes people do not want to be in another relationship. I had a very intense one that left me drained and although I met some great guys, my emotional stores were just empty. Relationships are work and if you aren't up for it someone usually gets hurt.
Sometimes people want to be alone to regroup, get themselves together or they want to explore being alone. She has made it pretty clear that she is not interested in starting a relationship and I am one of those who thinks you should leave her alone. She is trying to be nice but when a woman calls you friend, she means she is not interested in anything deeper. You are in a painful place because you are watching for any hint and reading into everything she does to see if she feels the same and sorry but I don't think she does.
The other thing I wanted to say, it can begin to feel a little stalkerish when someone persists and its been made crystal clear that you have put them in the friend zone.
Trying to be gentle but honest.
Maybe in the future things can be different but I am one of those people who believes it is a waste of time pining for someone when the world is full of other interesting people who will be into you.
Mazza
Mazztastic
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Sometimes we "see" things that aren't there, imagine that a person could be a possibility, when in fact, they're not interested, well, not in that way, or just don't see you in the way that you would like. You can't force it, you can't force someone to like you or love you or even be your friend.

It's easy to get into a scenario where you think you might be good for a person, able to enhance their life and they yours. A mutually beneficent relationship where one supports and nurtures the other. That would be ideal, wouldn't it? Solve "problems" on both sides, make life mutually easier?

But sadly, although it's a nice fantasy and you can see it playing out in your mind, it doesn't mean it's going to happen.

You sound as though you have made it relatively clear (at least in your way) to her, that you are offering friendship. However, she has not taken you up on that thus far and I am inclined to think that it is with good reason.

You say that women find it easier to include a man in their lives. In my experience, that is not the case. Some men are incredibly difficult to read, blow hot and cold and can generally be just impossible to fathom.. as though they cannot communicate effectively, make their needs and wants (or NOT wants) understood - in just the same way that women can.

It doesn't sound like she is ignoring you, a plausible partner/connection in favour of something else, it just doesn't sound like she is interested in anything with you.

In my experience, if the feelings of one party outweigh those of the other, balance is unlikely to be found, try as you might.

My advice would be to move on, forget the idea of a relationship with her. Perhaps a friendship may spring up, perhaps not. Nothing good can come of being lovesick - it will merely detract from real life goings on, maybe make you miss something else while you're "not looking"...

Let it go and see what happens...

Namaste
Smoocher
Active Ink Slinger
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IMHO...TWO of the sharpest answers have been presented by DancingDoll and Mazza. Other answers are good also. Please pay attention to these two ladies' sage advice. FWIW...I'm old enough to be their Dad, and they have helped me understand stuff...they are good answers.

Good luck...and be patient!!

Rick