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Why would my wife hate giving blow jobs?

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Hardallnight
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Does any one know why she would hate them? I've not had one in almost 3... Or is it 4 years now and it drives me crazy! I love them, it's the most pleasure I get from any kind of sex and she knows this. I'm not the kind of guy that wants to cheat either! But the lack of them some times makes me think of using Craig's list or something just to get some one to suck me off!
sprite
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why don't you ask HER? how the heck would we know? smile

You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.

Guest
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why you asking that in forum??....ask your wife....she hates being taken
Dirty_D
Head Nurse
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Your initial post gives a couple clues about bigger problems in your relationship than simply a lack of bj's

A) an obvious lack in communication. You would rather ask strangers than your wife.

B) you care do little about your wife that you would throw it all away for a cl hookup.

Since most people try to please their so in bed, a refusal to do so is usually caused by two things. She might have a reason she dislikes blow jobs. (History, revulsion, ect.) or perhaps there is an outside dissatisfaction that is causing her to give less than you might hope.(tired, stress, ect) The only way to know why is to talk to her. Open honest dialog.
Beguiled
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Reciprocation?

When was the last time you went south?
You know sometimes its all about giving. As a woman you're constantly doing for others. Children (if you have them), friends, work, family. Everyone always wants something. So women often feel worn out with nothing left to give.

Just a thought, perhaps if you showed her a little attention with no expectation of anything in return you may be surprised at what she will feel like doing for you
Hardallnight
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Do you really think I'm that stupid and haven't asked her? She says and I quote "I don't know why" and when I try and go down on her she freaks out about the hers I could be getting of off her? I was hoping there may be some people here who think the same as her and could help and just let me understand, because when it comes to sex and talking about it with my wife she goes all quite and embarrassed even tho it's our sex life I'm talking about. So I get no help of her at all. But this is a woman I could never live with out, we are connected in such a way it's hard to explain. Maybe it's because she sat at my bed side while I was fighting for my life in a comma that makes us so close. And as well trust me, I'm a gentleman at all times I can. Surprising her with flowers etc... And I love going down on her because I can give her the most intense orgasum with my mouth.

P.s. It just thoughts in my head, I would and never could cheat on her, especially using something like CL. I was just opening up and hoping people could help, seen I find it incredibly hard to show emotion in most cases.
Hardallnight
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Quote by Hardallnight
and when I try and go down on her she freaks out about the hers I could be getting of off her?


Is meant to say "germs" not "hers" sorry
CaseyGrae
Advanced Wordsmith
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This maybe something completely different to what she is feeling, but I was in a very similar position to this when I was younger, with my first boyfriend. Although I wanted to, I never gave him oral and I didn't want him to do it to me. I had zero confidence and I was scared because of my lack of experience and what he might say/think if I tried, this extended to having such little confidence I couldn't let him see me naked. I've grown up a little bit since then and I can voice myself, and can see more clearly now.

I'm just putting this thought forward because of certain similarities, for example, I couldn't talk about sex - I was too embarrassed. I'm sorry that I can't really give you any advice because I had to change myself, it wasn't about the other person, but good luck!
Shylass
Gingerbread Lover
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Quote by Hardallnight
Do you really think I'm that stupid and haven't asked her? She says and I quote "I don't know why" and when I try and go down on her she freaks out about the hers I could be getting of off her? I was hoping there may be some people here who think the same as her and could help and just let me understand, because when it comes to sex and talking about it with my wife she goes all quite and embarrassed even tho it's our sex life I'm talking about. So I get no help of her at all. But this is a woman I could never live with out, we are connected in such a way it's hard to explain. Maybe it's because she sat at my bed side while I was fighting for my life in a comma that makes us so close. And as well trust me, I'm a gentleman at all times I can. Surprising her with flowers etc... And I love going down on her because I can give her the most intense orgasum with my mouth.

P.s. It just thoughts in my head, I would and never could cheat on her, especially using something like CL. I was just opening up and hoping people could help, seen I find it incredibly hard to show emotion in most cases.


I think it's good to ask questions. Now that we know you've tried talking with her, that's the biggest answer tried. Nobody but you and your wife can deal with this.

However, I can give you a little insight from my point of view as to maybe why not. Trying to see things from her point of view is commendable, and leads to greater understanding, whilst hopefully helping to ease your own frustration.

I seriously hate the idea of a lad going down on me. I'm scared about how I look, smell, taste and feel to him there. I'm scared that whilst he might say he loves it, that he would be lying to make me feel better. I don't like thinking about pussies, and I don't like looking at mine, so I find it hard to understand how somebody else could.

The other point about receiving is the vulnerability it requires. To have his head down there whilst mine is up here means I would be totally expised and vulnerable (as all lovers should be able to do, in my opinion). It would mean that I couldn't read his face or emotions, so I would be panicking that he was repulsed but too kind to tell me.

And finally, I'm afraid of how it would physically feel. What if I hated it, and he thought it was his fault? What if I enjoyed it, but he hated doing it? The worry of all these (possibly needless) things creates a huge complex and confusing brick wall that is much easier to just shut away under "Do Not Enter". And the longer it's shut off, the more layers of worry are piled in front of the little door.



As for giving a blowjob, I've only tried it once, and I loved it, because I could see and hear the he did love it. However, I throw up easily, and I was scared of hurting him with my teeth when I gagged. If he hadn't been so clean (he'd had a shower a couple of hours before), I think his flavour might have been hard (no pun intended) to handle (again).

I was also scared that if he came in my mouth, the texture and taste would make me throw up, which I'd be mortified by. I can't help how my body reacts, and I would hate for him to think it was him, rather than my reaction.

Also, I would be very happy to try giving and swallowing, but I don't like asking people to give to me what I'm not willing or able to give in return. There is an element of me that says I must be willing to let him pleasure me that way, but it hits that wall, and automatically makes it more difficult, especially if it turns out that I'm crap at giving blowjobs!

It might be that forsaking blowjobs for love of your wife is something that you have to accept. How do you feel about that possibility? Is that something you can live with? Because for some reason, your wife may not be able, or is not willing to work through this.

I would suggest being as gentle as possible, but remember that if you are frustrated, you need to let her know that too. Perhaps talking to a sex therapist or couples counsellor MIGHT be a way forward, if you can find no other way. But it might be something you have to accept within your marriage, if you are able.

Maybe try showering together and seeing if that makes a difference to her germs theory?

Sorry for waffling, but I hope it's SOME help! Good luck.




Edit: Have you tried asking WHAT germs she's worried about? It may be due to her upbringing, health (physical and mental) or experience?

Ut incepit fidelis, sic permanet.

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lafayettemister
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Quote by Hardallnight
Does any one know why she would hate them? I've not had one in almost 3... Or is it 4 years now and it drives me crazy! I love them, it's the most pleasure I get from any kind of sex and she knows this. I'm not the kind of guy that wants to cheat either! But the lack of them some times makes me think of using Craig's list or something just to get some one to suck me off!


I've read your follow up posts, and I totally get where you're coming from. A few questions...

You say she knows you get more pleasure out of oral than any other kind of sex... how does she know this? Have you told her? If so, maybe you unintentionally insulted her. In her mind you told her that you would rather her suck you off than to fuck you. That's a brutal blow to a person's ego, no pun intended. I love blowjobs as much as the next guy, but I imagine if I'd told my S.O. that fucking her mouth was always more pleasurable than fucking her pussy, chances are she'd feel inadequate. Then she'd have a couple options, quit blowing me so that I'd appreciate her pussy. Or quit fucking me. Your wife chose option A.

Did she give you head prior to this 3-4 drought? Before marriage? How often?

Maybe you stink? I've read several posts in forum about guys smelling like ass. Maybe it's a cleanliness issue and she doesn't want to offend you by being brutally honest.

Maybe she just doesn't like giving head. (been there, done that, got the t-shirt)

You said she worries about germs when you try to go down on her. Maybe she's transferring your stink to her own self and imagining she stinks too? Is she germaphobic in other aspects of life?

When you have sex, is she fully engaged in the act? Does she enjoy getting laid or is she jsut along for the ride and fulfilling her wifely duty?



When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. Socrates
ByronLord
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Quote by sprite
why don't you ask HER? how the heck would we know? smile


Hows the afterlife thing treating you? Do they have WiFi?
cordite74
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Quote by Hardallnight
Does any one know why she would hate them?

I don't know her so no. There are any number of possible causes and it's certainly possible that there could be a combination of causes. Talk to her. Communication is a basic and necessary thing in any relationship. Don't rely on asking others, speculation or assumption. The cause(s) may have nothing to do with sex.

Quote by Hardallnight
Do you really think I'm that stupid and haven't asked her?

We only know what you say in your posts. Asking and effectively communicating aren't necessarily the same thing. If you haven't been able to get her to open up then you haven't established effective communication. You may need to do other things to get her to a point where she's comfortable discussing the matter. Again, I don't know her and I can't tell you how to do this.

Quote by Hardallnight
She says and I quote "I don't know why"

The two of you will have to find out. It's possible that she's embarrassed about why. It's possible that she's not willing to acknowledge why. It's possible that your approach in asking her is making her reply that way. Again, countless possibilities on the why. You can read all of them but to find out why she dislikes giving blowjobs you'll have to be patient, loving and supportive to get to the bottom of this as a couple. You may need an outside and objective perspective on the matter (i.e. therapy).

Quote by Hardallnight
Is meant to say "germs" not "hers" sorry

There we go. Finally, one possible cause. Find a way to make her comfortable about this, if possible. There's a chance that another issue is causing the concern over germs. Sex is inherently messy and dirty even when we're careful with our hygiene. Given the way we're made it's impossible to eliminate all germs but you might be able to make her more comfortable by always showering beforehand, using condoms, gloves, dams, etc. Again, you really need to communicate with her to determine what she needs. We can suggest all sorts of solutions but the ones that work specifically to address her concerns are the only ones that will help.

Quote by Hardallnight
when it comes to sex and talking about it with my wife she goes all quite and embarrassed even tho it's our sex life I'm talking about.

That's something that the two of you will have to work on. You have to be able to freely, honestly and effectively communicate with each other whether the topic is sex or anything else. The only way to answer your question is for her to give you the answer.
Guest
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I hate giving them online. But it's expected. I do want to.thoroughly please so I do.

I've never been on top.

That's so fun to detail too..

Covers face with both hands..

Bad things happened to me with oral.

xox
Hardallnight
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Quote by CaseyGrae
This maybe something completely different to what she is feeling, but I was in a very similar position to this when I was younger, with my first boyfriend. Although I wanted to, I never gave him oral and I didn't want him to do it to me. I had zero confidence and I was scared because of my lack of experience and what he might say/think if I tried, this extended to having such little confidence I couldn't let him see me naked. I've grown up a little bit since then and I can voice myself, and can see more clearly now.

I'm just putting this thought forward because of certain similarities, for example, I couldn't talk about sex - I was too embarrassed. I'm sorry that I can't really give you any advice because I had to change myself, it wasn't about the other person, but good luck!



Thank you, that could be the reason and thank you for being open about it to me.
overmykneenow
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This may be completely unrelated but you mention that you suffered from a life-threatening illness/accident.

Illness can have a huge psychological effect on sexual intimacy. Cancer, for example, can leave people revolted by the idea of sex - and this all happens at a subconscious level. If there have been any changes to your sex life from before and after your illness it might be worth exploring therapy as way of rebuilding the levels of intimacy you expect from a healthy relationship.

I see from your other posts you were circumcised late in life - now i'm only guessing but this would suggest to me that either:

a) you suffered from phimosis so found penetrative sex painful, hence your preference for oral sex, or

b) you had to on the grounds of your partner's religion or upbringing - which might suggest a more repressed attitude to sex hence her thoughts of oral as "dirty"

If it's a) you might need some help to get more pleasure from penetrative sex (stopping wanking might help too), if it's b) then you need to talk things over with her about the role sex has in your relationship but approach it from a position of what you both need from sexual intimacy rather than simply what you want
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Mazza
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Sorry if I've missed it, but do you guys have children? Going through pregnancy and birth can significantly alter the way that a woman can feel about her body and appearance and also the way her partner feels about her (and also the way she imagines her partner feels about her).
It can be a huge trauma that changes everything but not always in a way that's easy to define or explain.
You mentioned your own trauma too, and I'd suggest that this could have had a negative impact as well, although I don't know what the details are.
There are usually underlying causes and like some of my fellow lushies have suggested, I'd think that talking to a professional with a more detached view might be helpful.
pricklypear
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sounds like the spark is gone.

this is why i cannot see myself getting married. same person for years. i can see how it would be mundane.

my only suggestion is be more romantic, learn new sex techniques, or help her with chores more often. that's like the ultimate form of foreplay to married women/women with kids i have noticed. :P
Unknown User
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I think something more is going on

yes a guy can not be clean..so you wash before sex..and yes gagging is a problem so you only suck on the tip

but the fact that she doesn't LIKE it done to her..well..that makes me think there is more to this than just not liking it

that is why the germ thing got me thinking...that is a mental thing

so I would suggest a therapist specifically a sexual one

see I think something happened to her

this being said was married to a man who didn't like BJ's(what man doesn't like a bj??)

so it happens...and he didn't like to go down on me either

but never ever did I think about cheating do to that

there is usually a reason why people don't like oral...

I understand you are frustrated..again..i think she has some kind of trauma/block associated with it

perhaps her first time went bad

but this is for a professional to figure out

but sometimes we don't get ALL our fantasies fulfilled in a marriage

but the other wonderful things more than make up for that

but if this is a deal breaker you both need to get some help

wishing you luck
Unknown User
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ah prickly if you ever do you will have a long happy sexy marriage for the doing the dishes thing..mmmmmmm

NOW that is uber sexy!!
pricklypear
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Quote by thesexynun
ah prickly if you ever do you will have a long happy sexy marriage for the doing the dishes thing..mmmmmmm

NOW that is uber sexy!!


you like that, huh? *scrubs pots and pans*

lol.
pricklypear
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after reading thesexynun's reply, yikes. there's definitely something more going on. but yeah...cheating is never the answer.
sprite
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Quote by ByronLord


Hows the afterlife thing treating you? Do they have WiFi?


dude, it's crazy cool up here! not only do they have wifi, but everything is in, get this, not 3D - 4D!

You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.

sprite
Her Royal Spriteness
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Quote by Hardallnight
Do you really think I'm that stupid and haven't asked her? .


you'd be surprised how many people would have answered with "No, I haven't." *shrugs*

You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.

Hardallnight
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Thanks for all the replies. Some are helpful and some... Well yeah, trust me I'm never going to cheat on this lady! She means more to me than oxygen does. So it is something I have and will learn to live without. I just wanted some help and advice on understanding why she might not like it, that's why I asked the ladies. Thanks again Rich
Dirty_D
Head Nurse
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Quote by overmykneenow
This may be completely unrelated but you mention that you suffered from a life-threatening illness/accident.

Illness can have a huge psychological effect on sexual intimacy. Cancer, for example, can leave people revolted by the idea of sex - and this all happens at a subconscious level. If there have been any changes to your sex life from before and after your illness it might be worth exploring therapy as way of rebuilding the levels of intimacy you expect from a healthy relationship.

I see from your other posts you were circumcised late in life - now i'm only guessing but this would suggest to me that either:

a) you suffered from phimosis so found penetrative sex painful, hence your preference for oral sex, or

b) you had to on the grounds of your partner's religion or upbringing - which might suggest a more repressed attitude to sex hence her thoughts of oral as "dirty"

If it's a) you might need some help to get more pleasure from penetrative sex (stopping wanking might help too), if it's b) then you need to talk things over with her about the role sex has in your relationship but approach it from a position of what you both need from sexual intimacy rather than simply what you want


Other potential reasons include complications from penal swelling (not the pleasant kind, but the edema related stuff) and infections. Both of which could come back to the germ thing.

I echo what the nun said. Go see a therapist.

I see a lot of really good advice on this thread. I also see that the op is rather defensive about it. It seems to me he wants to find the 'quick way to fix her' so any suggestions that it might not simply be only her are going to be considered unhelpful. I can see why the wife isn't that interested in talking.
Hardallnight
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Quote by naughtynurse


I also see that the op is rather defensive about it. It seems to me he wants to find the 'quick way to fix her' so any suggestions that it might not simply be only her are going to be considered unhelpful. I can see why the wife isn't that interested in talking.


I'm honestly not looking for aaa quick fix, I was looking to understand from other women's points of view, I love my wife deeply and wouldn't want her to be who she isn't already. I've tried hypnosis therapy for my problem that is just a scam in my eyes the perv just wanted me to describe my parents at it, that was all. (My problem is anorgasmia btw) she wouldn't consider her self as having a problem, so I'm more than happy to just live with it. All I wanted was some points of view of ther women who may be like her.
BunnieTail
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because she is selfish!
HeraTeleia
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Quote by Hardallnight
Does any one know why she would hate them? I've not had one in almost 3... Or is it 4 years now and it drives me crazy! I love them, it's the most pleasure I get from any kind of sex and she knows this. I'm not the kind of guy that wants to cheat either! But the lack of them some times makes me think of using Craig's list or something just to get some one to suck me off!


Yah, this phrase makes me think that you are thinking of your wife as just another "thing" put on this Earth to please you, not as your devoted spouse and partner. No doubt, she has picked up on this dismissiveness as well.
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Daddypleaser
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Ease up on the fella! Hasn't had his dick sucked in years! Cut him some slack. I think "Craigslist" was more a joke, making light of a frustrating situation. It is easy to say to someone else "if you love her, go without". How unfair. It takes a lot to put questions out there, don't best up the guy.

As for me, I love giving head so I'm not much help. Try easing her into it, like as her to just swirl her tongue around the head, or to use a you on you that simulates the feeling (or tries to anyway).

Not sure if this post is still being looked at by the original author, but if it is- how is the sex otherwise?
Daddypleaser
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That should have said "beat up" and "use a toy on you". I solemnly swear to proofread my posts from this point forward, lol