I met a girl at the Modern Jive classes I take, and I was seeing her for around 2 months. We we're in the intermediate phase of 'past the first few dates', but also 'not in a relationship just yet'. Call it friends with benefits, taking it easy and seeing how it goes, or just having fun, but things we're going well (at least I thought), and I did like her.
We slept together on the first date, saw each other once a week for drinks, movie and sex, and I usually contacted her a couple of times a week for a chat, mainly texting.
It's paramount for a man (at least I thought), that you appear non-needy as possible, to display confidence, so I tried not to bombard her with text messages and limited it to convos just once or twice per week. Because we were just datings or as I put it "Seeing each other", but not in a full on relationship (which I think would be far too quick after just 2 months), I thought that by not texting all the time, I was displaying a person who was not needy and desperate for attention, and instead a confident person who didn't require a girls interest in order to get on in life.
In essence, by not texting her all the time, I've played it TOO 'cool', and the reverse effect has happen, I haven't attracted her, I've inadvertantely shunned her.
I've had problems recently, I lost my job and I've been busy dealing with stuff, and she's also been busy doing dance auditons, but she said this is no excuse for not to be in touch very regularly.
After a chat with her tonight, she's said we're not seeing each other any more, because she got the impression that I wasn't interested enough, and therefore she stopped being interested in me. She made a comment that when she is dating somebody, she requires contact from them at least once a day, otherwise she would feel as if it was an active display of somebody not interested.
So because I've tried to play it cool and not smother her, I've accidently given the opposite impression, made her feel as if she wasn't worth chasing, and that I don't desire her enough. She's made me feel like a bit of a pig, even though I genuinely think I am a good person.
I need to learn from this. I don't want to make the same mistake again. I always thought as a guy, you have to be careful about seeking too much contact for the girl, otherwise you're showing needyness and insecurity. I thought texting every day, is too much for a girl you're only dating. I actually cared about this girl, but i've been so frightening about scaring her away, because I've heard that texting too much can be a turn off, that I've been way to stand-off, and she felt unwanted.
I've asked if I can fix it, but she said she's already moved on. She never texts me first, and says that as a man, it's my job to chase her and not the other way around, i felt that was a bit of a double standard.
So please tell me, when you're dating a guy, should he be texting/phoning/emailing every day? Is once or twice per week not enough? Or does it depend on the girl and she is the needy one? What can I do to ensure that this never happens again.
There isn't a single, universal answer for this question. Every woman is different and will have different expectations of communication with the person they're dating.
My boyfriend knows better than to not text/call everyday. I'd kill him.
Gold hearted fun loving Aussie Angel
there isnt a single universal answer as everyone is different and has different expectations however i think most of us will agree with as often as possible.. it could be a simple text/email/phone call.. some times simply receiving a text saying "hey Babe, miss you" lets your partner feel wanted.
As everyone else has said, there is no single answer. For me, when I first meet someone it is very exciting to get frequent texts, you know they are into you as much as you are into them. I find this settles down after a couple of weeks and it is nice to get random messages or phone calls to say they are thinking of you, but without being too persistent are feeling claustrophobic. It can be a fine line and you need to go with your instinct. If that isn't what she/he wants then perhaps it's not meant to be between the two of you. It shouldn't be a game!
i would want some form of contact everyday. by phone, text or any other way. just something to show he/she cares about the relationship.
Thanks for the feedback ladies, I can see that in highsight I was probably too distant, I didn't see the need to keep contacting her on the basis that she was expecting. Pahaps the answer is, I was attracted to her, but not quite attracted enough. I find that if another person wants it to get more serioius, the instinct can sometimes be for me to worry that we're getting too deep too soon. Let's be honest, I have a slight fear of showing major commitment, when I can't decide if the girl is just a temporary thing, or if I see a real future. Maybe to some extent, I've answered my own question. The truth is, I didn't see a huge future for us, so maybe just being happy with how things were going, isn't enough.
I wonder how many other people have to wrestle with their fears of commitment, or sometimes wonder how attracted they truly are to the girl. I think if you truly like somebody, these questions never come into it. Pahaps moving on, makes perfect sense.
I think you'd have been better concentrating more on how you felt, rather than how you thought you ought to behave. In essence, you weren't being true to yourself and in my opinion, that always shines through.
What is the point in being something you're not?
I mean, you can try and try to be what you perceive someone wants, but then are you actually going to be happy? All you have is a facade.
From what you said, it doesn't sound like the two of you established any sort of boundaries or ground rules and I honestly think that would have been helpful, not just for you, but for her too. That doesn't mean that you should have sat down after your second date and worked out a plan or rota, but you should have at least checked in, I think.
It's one thing to be casual in a relationship, but to be casual just because that's what you think is expected of you isn't right.
Personally, if I am dating someone, I'd prefer it if they checked in here and there - a wee text, email, call... I have no problem saying if it's too much, but if it's too little, then I find that harder to verbalise and I'm more inclined to simply assume that they just aren't interested.
I think that miscommunication is the main reason that most relationships fail. I'd rather just be myself now and find out sooner that it is or isn't going to work.
Life's too short to play games.
If this is important for you to know as a dating criteria. I, for one, would not be dating you.
I think I sort of fall into the same line of thinking as Mazza. How often did you want to talk to her? That's what you should have been asking yourself. There is so much game playing and counter measures in dating. It's stressful and confusing. It also leads to a lack of communication. Do you. If you want her to want you for who and what you are then "Do You". Wouldn't it have been nice if you had just called her because you were thinking about her and said exactly that? If she reacted negatively, then there is your answer. She just is not that in to you. But, to deny your natural urges only hurts you in the end. Eventually you are going to be you and if that is irritating to her then why not get it out of the way early.
Isn't it wonderful to just be with someone and just be yourself? Those are the type of relationships that last. I do understand that it takes a certain amount of confidence, but it saves so much time. If you still have an urge to talk to her, do it. Explain yourself if it is worth it to you.
Hmm...I'm not really sure why you quoted me. I thought that you had regretted not contacting her more. Nothing is wrong with just wanting to be casual lovers. I was not making a judgement call, just answering the thread question.
But, now I'm wondering why you even bothered to ask the question after that comment. If you want to just screw, then just screw. I don't see where that is a problem if you are not pretending that it is more. Sounds like you did not want anymore than you already had. So, why bother calling her other than occassionally. She was not down for that or found more of what she needed somewhere else. She moved on. You are fine and she is fine. Now I'm not calling you a "dawg", so don't miss my point here, but I made this point to someone a while ago and that's the term I used. Here it is: It is okay to be a dawg if that is what you want to be. But, don't be a dawg and pretend to be a sheep. Then, act confused by the way the other person is acting. If you are going to be a dog, tell the other person that is how it is. That is the truly gentleman thing to do. Sometimes women just want to fuck too and she may not want to do a lot of social foreplay. That doesn't not make her a lady. Same rule applies either way. I'll take an honest dawg over a Mr. FuckedupRomantic any day. And, you don't have to be a mean or insensitive dawg. If you are honest than there is no need for that. If something comes up, you can always say "I told you I was dawg." What are they going to say, "Define dawg?" Then it is shame on them and as far as I'm concerned, you are free from judgement.
Same rule applies. Do you. You can't get what you need by being anything other than what you truly are. Idealy, what you need is someone that is giving you what makes you happy because they honestly want to and they are happy with it too. That is both of you being happy with "how things were going". That is enough. No one can judge that (not and it matters) because it is not any of their business.
I'm a big time romantic to a fault, but my eyes are always wide open. It is a constant state of learning. If you meet someone and there is that need to go the extra steps, then don't be shy. If it's not worth the effort to, don't pretend it is. Do you. Accept the out come either way.
I quoted your first post because despite the fact you had the wrong idea, it was essential a nice piece of thought out writing, that describes how the tos and fros of what happens in the relationship paradigm, how it should work, at least in a perfect world.
Being Dawg isn't my aim, but neither is falling for the wrong person just because it feels like the right time. If I met 'the one', (And I'm sure she is right out there waiting for me), I'd be happy to take things further, and would feel totally comfortable in a relationship. But if you have doubts, it usually because the attraction levels are not strong enough. At 25, I shouldn't be a major rush to find the right girl, but when she comes along, guarantee I will be a sucka for her. At heart I'm a romantic too, but it just alot of groundwork for me to get there. Until that happens though, I'm happy to just have fun.
Rather than wallow over the fact I lost one girl, who I wasn't that attracted to anyway, I should focus on meeting and interacting with more women, because thats the only way I will a) be able to have more 'fun' with somebody else b) have the best chance of finding that special girl.
Sorry Sandy, I think I misinterpreted that comment. Its a fair point.
It was ask the girls, but a mans opinion is more than welcome. I should have put it in the relationship section to be honest.
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