So I met a man online--here, actually. We've been talking for several months, and recently arranged to meet up in the very near future. Hotel reservations, restaurant plans, time arranged to be off work, the whole bit.
At any rate, I thought I'd asked all the relevant health questions. Apparently, I hadn't. This morning, he brings up the topic of whether I've ever been with another woman (answer: no) and so I casually ask, in return, whether he's ever been with another man. His answer comes back in the affirmative--a while ago, but still, in the affirmative. Now, maybe this wouldn't bother some women--and it wouldn't bother me, either, given his clean bill of health, except for one thing: I donate blood every 56 days like clockwork, and have done so, with breaks only due to pregnancy, due to surgeries, and due to absences from the U.S., since age 16.
Donating blood is extremely important to me; one unit of donated whole blood can theoretically be given to three patients (whole blood can be spun down into plasma, packed red blood cells [RBC's], and platelets), so in theory, I can directly help with the recovery of up to 18 patients per year. Given that I am rapidly approaching the 20 gallon donor "club" (I'm two pints, or two donations, away), I wouldn't want to risk my donor status in any way, so I called the Puget Sound Blood Centre straightaway to ask what my status would be if I followed through with our plan and had sexual relations with this man. The answer: for each sexual encounter with this man, I would have to wait 12 months from the date of the encounter to donate again, because sex, protected or unprotected, with a man who has ever had sex of any kind with another man ever tosses me into the "high risk" category, at least according to the PSBC guidelines.
Right now I am an emotional tossup of anger and sadness. I feel stupid and sad and angry at myself for not asking him directly, earlier, but I also feel some anger at him for not volunteering that information earlier, too--he knows, and has known for a while, that I donate blood regularly, because I told him when I asked what I thought were all the relevant health questions. I've had to call off our meeting, which is crushing, because saving lives > sex.
My question is, should I have asked him straight off if he'd ever had sexual relations with another man? It just never occurred to me to ask--he identifies as straight. Thank you in advance for your responses.
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If I were him I would think this was some bullshit excuse to call off meeting in person after making reservations, taking time off work and all of that shit. I would think I was being catfished. If it's about more than just sex I wouldn't understand why we couldn't just meet and hangout if sex is off the table so I would think something is fishy.
I don't think it would have occurred to me to ask either. So don't feel too bad. If he'd identified as bi or bi-curious then I would have asked but if it said straight, yeah it wouldn't have crossed my mind.
I can understand where you're coming from, but that doesn't mean you can't meet and just spend time together. Does he know about this donating blood thing? Maybe he'd understand why you couldn't have sex. What happens if you were to have sex with a man who never told you about having sex with another man, or find out afterwards. In the end, it is your choice.
But, as for your question, those things should have been talked about right before you started to plan for the visit. Taking time off work, booking hotels and such, should have come after.
I wouldn't put blame on yourself. Like Felix said, as hard as it may be you don't have to have sex if you meet up with him.
I understand your situation and your compassion to continue to donate blood. It is a very vital item that is needed to save lives.
Being in the situation of sexually active can have it's drawbacks but there is also a grey area to how sexually involved this man has been with others.
My Husband is straight but in the eyes of some people, he would be considered bi since he will suck a cock before helping it slide into me.
The point I'm trying to make is that if the guy you met or will meet up with has not gone beyond that, I doubt you have to worry. But then again, it is up to the Blood Bank's discretion on how sexually active they will allow you.
Don't fret about it too much!
Kisses!
Steph
I'm with my good friend Poppet on this. It seems to me to be a "cautionary tale" regarding one more of the "things to ask" BEFORE deciding that both of you DO want to make the necessary arrangements to meet, as a desire to have sex with one another was probably a large part of such a decision with someone met here. I mean, let's face facts folks, while having sex with anyone is NEVER "required" this isn't a site about some sports team or some other subject. It IS a sexual fantasy site. Not that I or anyone else here (except the SPECIFIC individual involved) was a party to the discussions that led to this decision. However, given the nature of the site, some assumptions aren't exactly out of line or being made "from left field".
I would have never thought to have asked that question either. I would have expected that type of information to be shared before agreeing to meet and to be honest it would have put me off. Sydneysider and I had been chatting for over 2 years before we finally got together. I guess only you can make the decision what is more important to you.
Hindsight is 20/20, but don't beat yourself up over it. I do find it interesting that it took this long for him to ask you if you've been with another woman (which prompted you to ask if he'd been with a man), usually that comes up fairly often/regularly while flirting/chatting/cybering. However, if he knew about your passion for donating blood AND he knew that blood banks don't allow blood from men who've had sex with other men, and by association ALL of their sex partners (male and female), then it was a lie of omission. Maybe it was intentional, maybe it wasn't, or maybe he didnt' think it was a big deal. It doesn't necessarily mean he's a bad guy.
I commend you for your devotion to giving blood, even in the face of it damaging a possible relationship.
When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. Socrates You have to do what you feel is right. Maybe there is a voice saying how can I get out of this meeting, maybe not. But to be honest with yourself, you have to put yourself first. You may only have sex once with him and lose everything in the process. ie your donating, your personal satisfaction from getting your donating milestone, but also him. I'm sure if you had done all the reservations, time off etc you were serious about meeting him, so I can understand your anguish and annoyance. I find it hard to believe though it hasn't come out before, even in jest!! Follow your own path, and don't be swayed by anyone but you x whatever happens, good luck and be safe xx
Is it possible to have safe sex (condoms) and no kissing or exchanging bodily fluids with him?
Just curious.
Thank you for donating blood. It saves lives. And it helped saved mine too.
I don't know if I'm any help.
I think he should have told you before , however difficult it might have been for him.
But with him knowing you are a regular blood donor it was essential he be honest and upfront .
Ali
I commend you for what you believe to be your civic duty, an extremely noble one at that. But honestly, unless sex was the basis for the entire encounter, I don't think it should have been called off. Unless you believe sex was absolutely unavoidable, even just a day would've been more than calling the entire thing off. Must have hurt him. Bad.
Actually - I don't understand what the trouble is.
Well - maybe I see an issue that you're not focusing on.
You seem to be concluding that him having sex with a man - regardless of the scenario or what that even means to him (some people don't insert penis into the anus for gay sex) - is a concern . . . but what about him having sex with other women? Why does that not at all concern you?
Further, the guidelines discourage any form of casual sex. Do you genuinely intend on having no casual sex outside of a longer-term relationship - ever - for the rest of your life in order to donate blood? Because according to their guidelines it seems that only long-term relationships don't get YOU put in the 'high-risk' box.
So the matter really is this: Casual Sex - regardless of your partner's sexual activity and frequency (because that doesn't matter when you break it down, risk is based on YOUR sexual activity - not theres) - or Blood Donation.
Are you going to abstain from casual sex until the day you marry? Do you abstain from it NOW just to donate blood?
--
This isn't his issue or concern - its yours. If you didn't know of this guideline then how can he be held responsible? Afterall, no offense meant, but you were willing to hook up with a guy you met online and only aren't doing so because he's had 'gay sex'.
Only you are responsible for you.
From what I hear you saying there seems more than just blood donation going on here. A woman's choice goes far beyond abortion. You don't need an excuse to not meet with a person with the expectation of sex. I'm sure he'd get a blood test at the free clinic closest to him if you asked. But there's more going on here than that isn't it?
I personally couldn't make arrangements with someone I met on line for the express purpose of sex. Maybe to meet and see how the chemistry works and take it from there. Do I sound old fashioned? Yup. I am.
I think you're well within your rights to refrain from having sex with anyone at all, for any reason at all. I regard that as an absolute right. Your body, your choice, full stop. The blood donation issue is irrelevant here, IMHO. If you have misgivings about having sex with him, there is nothing -- nothing -- that obligates you to go through with it, arrangements be damned.
I'm assuming that asking "all the relevant health questions" included an explicit inquiry into the gentleman's HIV status. What surprises me is that the inquiry wasn't broad enough to get at his prior sexual activity. You know, "OK, you're HIV-negative and that's wonderful. Have you ever been with someone whose status you didn't know, male or female?" That's not a criticism; it's just mild surprise that it didn't come up earlier.
Good luck with your decision and its outcome.
Is he reading this thread?
You never really know about ones sexual activities. They could tell you they never did this or that. I have a friend who was married and her husband was cheating on her and gave her herpes. She didn't even know he was cheating on her or that he gave her an illness.
Now she is divorced and living with this disease. You have to be so careful. Your lucky that he actually told you that. Unfortunately when you sleep with people your sleeping with everybody they slept with.
You are an amazing woman to give blood. My father needed about 20 bags of blood right before he died. I thank you for doing what you do. Your an amazing woman. God bless you.....
Hugs,
Mysteria
There are always questions that are unasked. And sometimes people are not always forthcoming with certain details about themselves which hurts the other party when it is finally brought to light. This can change the entire direction of the relationship, as seems to be the case here.
Whatever decision you reach, I hope it's the right one for yoiu.
As not to sound to cold......it's probably safe to say the next individual you meet that question will be real close to number one.....just sayin. good luck....
So Hera. What are you worried about?
You have your values (your right) and your priorities (your right). So who cares beyond that? Stop stressing out. You don't owe a random stranger anything.
In my mind, communication is very much a two way track, where both sides are equally responsible for the transmission of a message.
If you were aware of this important detail regarding the stringent rules for blood donation (as it seems to me, a non donor would probably not be) then was it not rather your responsibility to specifically ask this question...?
Since this is a critical factor for you, then it is at the forefront of your mind, whereas what he may have done in the past is unlikely to be at his. Also, he obviously wasn't hiding it, as when you asked him he told you.
Unquestionably, by giving blood you are doing a great thing and it is a real shame that the rules regarding this are causing this dilemna.
Either way, I'm not sure trying to establish a guilty party is going to help here and in my humble opinion, your best bet would be to talk to him about this, explain how you are hurting...I bet that he's hurting too!
As others have pointed out, you can still meet up but just make it clear you won't be sleeping with him. There's really no rule that says if you meet up with someone you met online, you have to sleep with them, and if the other person doesn't feel the same, walk away. Don't be angry with yourself, this is a learning experience.
