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Is "I've been hurt" getting annoying to you?

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Active Ink Slinger
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Gents, does it annoy you when women continually say "I've been hurt"
to avoid relating to you in some way. Everybody gets hurt. That is human life, and some men get gutted just like women do, and just move on. I am not being cold here, life can be cold on both genders.
Gravelly-Voiced Fucker
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Quote by adirtysecretboy
Life is full contact sport and we are all damaged in some way.



I get it too, really, I've been there, but Secret Boy nails it right here. Sometimes, maybe most of the time, it is not so easy to "just move on." Sometimes you shouldn't move on, even if you want to, but stay where you are and try to figure out what the fuck just happened.

Listen. Be patient. Don't be a dick. That's my advice.
Lurker
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While I DO well understand what you're saying, they too are individuals AND whether we ATTRACT or tend to seek out "wounded doves" some of us have become involved with MORE than our fair share. Still, what you have to remember is that however many times you might have "heard it before" each one is telling YOU for THE FIRST TIME. The OTHER big problem is that we have no way of KNOWING whether she has TRULY learned from her past or is one of those who is "stuck in the loop" and looking for her NEXT abuser. Sadly MOST fall into that last category. ( A line from the old Moe Bandy song I LOVE "Hank Williams You Wrote My Life" ... "The cold, cold heart and a doubtful mind, I have known a few myself...") Finding that RARE one who HAS learned from it and IS REALLY seeking "someone to treat her right" is a blessing that is not only rare but can be extremely beautiful and rewarding. Trust me on THAT I know whereof I speak. But, as I've said they are RARE, so ...GOOD LUCK!
Her Royal Spriteness
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For me, the line "i've been hurt" is a warning, not an excuse - translation: if you even think about fucking with me, i will stab you in the eye.

and no, i'm not messing around for once - i'm totally serious.

You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.

"insensitive prick!" – Danielle Algo
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Depends, like when does it come up, and how. Is it how you advertise yourself, or is it something that comes up during a conversation?

What I do find annoying sometimes is when people start their profiles (here or on other social media) with asserting that the one reading it is some kind of jerk.


===  Not ALL LIVES MATTER until BLACK LIVES MATTER  ===

The Linebacker
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I always thought life is too short for a whiny girlfriend, especially when there are always plenty of up beat chicks that want to go for the gusto. You know the kind that make a great partner and take over your motorcycle when you marry them. So I had to buy a second motorcycle.
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by sprite
For me, the line "i've been hurt" is a warning, not an excuse - translation: if you even think about fucking with me, i will stab you in the eye.

and no, i'm not messing around for once - i'm totally serious.


Sprite, I know you are serious, and that sometimes people have been terribly hurt as you have. It is criminal. That is why my favorite charity is women's shelters. So, of course, my heart bleeds for you. No joke! I have fought many battles for women and am proud to have done so. I have paid some high prices for doing them too.
I could tell you privately of my own pain, but please not here. That is really something we should do privately if you wish.

I think the guys are telling me to be more patient, etc., and a lot of it is good man-to-man advise. I am most grateful to all of you.
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by sprite
For me, the line "i've been hurt" is a warning, not an excuse - translation: if you even think about fucking with me, i will stab you in the eye.

and no, i'm not messing around for once - i'm totally serious.



Totally agree ... and men can be emotionally hurt as well.
Lurker
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Quote by asleep



Totally agree ... and men can be emotionally hurt as well.


Exactly, my thinking, knowing what she's said before, is that Sprite took it to mean PHYSICALLY abused, when what was originally MEANT was emotional abuse ( or at least I think so) Although I DO know and understand that oft times women suffer through both in a relationship with some maggot bag. (Yes Sprite are a few would love to have gotten my hands on....once. That's ALL it would have taken. )
Big-haired Bitch
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Quote by sprite
For me, the line "i've been hurt" is a warning, not an excuse - translation: if you even think about fucking with me, i will stab you in the eye.

and no, i'm not messing around for once - i'm totally serious.


This.

When people tell me this, I always view it as an escape clause that I'm sure they'll call on when shit hits the fan.

So many people use the "I've been hurt" or "I have [insert issue(s) here]" line to excuse their emotional instability/immaturity. And when called on it, they'll revert to "I told you I had issues when we met."

We all have our baggage that we inevitably take out on the next person that comes along. But having issues shouldn't excuse you from owning up to your bullshit and trying to work through your issues instead of reveling in the fact that you have said issues and expecting whoever's with you to just make due.

It's one thing to say "I have issues, and sometimes I act like a total piece of shit...but I'm working on it." It's an entirely different thing to say, "I have issues, and sometimes I act like a total piece of shit...deal with it."

I can appreciate the fact that people can be hurt many times in many ways, but using that hurt as a weapon to be manipulative, dismissive, abusive, or just plain unwilling to be a person worthy of being with is not cool.

░P░U░S░S░Y░ ░I░N░ ░B░I░O░


Gentleman Stranger
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Quote by Dani


This.

When people tell me this, I always view it as an escape clause that I'm sure they'll call on when shit hits the fan.

So many people use the "I've been hurt" or "I have [insert issue(s) here]" line to excuse their emotional instability/immaturity. And when called on it, they'll revert to "I told you I had issues when we met."

We all have our baggage that we inevitably take out on the next person that comes along. But having issues shouldn't excuse you from owning up to your bullshit and trying to work through your issues instead of reveling in the fact that you have said issues and expecting whoever's with you to just make due.

It's one thing to say "I have issues, and sometimes I act like a total piece of shit...but I'm working on it." It's an entirely different thing to say, "I have issues, and sometimes I act like a total piece of shit...deal with it."

I can appreciate the fact that people can be hurt many times in many ways, but using that hurt as a weapon to be manipulative, dismissive, abusive, or just plain unwilling to be a person worthy of being with is not cool.


Tremendous response, Dani, very thoughtful and well-stated. Thanks for sharing it. I can't imagine anyone reaching adulthood - much less middle- or old-age - without having been hurt badly somewhere along the way. Possibly many times.

It really is all about how you deal with it, and one of the things that wears me out is when people use their prior bad experience as either a bludgeon or a crutch. While I can very well understand how a woman (or a man) that has been physically, mentally, or emotionally battered in a prior relationship might be permanently scarred by it, the way that it sometimes turns into a hatred or contempt for men in general - all men - always saddens me.

We're not all like that any more than all women are screaming shrews just because perhaps one was, once upon a time. In fact, in my experience most men - by far - admire, respect, and love women. Most of us would gladly insert ourselves between a man, and a woman or child he was attempting to harm. Chivalry is not dead; sometimes you just have to look for it, and if you're fortunate you find that someone that makes all of those past hurts and struggles eventually fade away.

That's not to say that we won't occasionally do or say something that hurts the ones we love. We're human, we make mistakes, but it's usually just that, a thoughtless, bone-headed mistake. Like most guys, I could probably use a little work on learning to say I'm sorry, but rest assured that most guys don't intentionally hurt women. Or at least that's the way I was raised to believe a man should be. A real man, not one that claims that title solely because of a "Y" chromosome or certain genitalia...
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by Dani


This.

When people tell me this, I always view it as an escape clause that I'm sure they'll call on when shit hits the fan.

So many people use the "I've been hurt" or "I have [insert issue(s) here]" line to excuse their emotional instability/immaturity. And when called on it, they'll revert to "I told you I had issues when we met."

We all have our baggage that we inevitably take out on the next person that comes along. But having issues shouldn't excuse you from owning up to your bullshit and trying to work through your issues instead of reveling in the fact that you have said issues and expecting whoever's with you to just make due.

It's one thing to say "I have issues, and sometimes I act like a total piece of shit...but I'm working on it." It's an entirely different thing to say, "I have issues, and sometimes I act like a total piece of shit...deal with it."

I can appreciate the fact that people can be hurt many times in many ways, but using that hurt as a weapon to be manipulative, dismissive, abusive, or just plain unwilling to be a person worthy of being with is not cool.


My God You got what I was thinking Dani!! The person who really is trying hard to be a good partner, gets so weary of being manipulated with it, dismissed with it, etc., that it can be disheartening, depressing,
and you feel like you aren't worth a cent.
I went through physical and sexual abuse for decades, yes decades, to protect my children from the same woman. I have undergone so much professional help, not just for my own well being, but because if I want to find someone new, I want her to have the me I was before the problem.
So it makes it harder for me to be patient with someone else who isn't even trying. I usually am patient but after a while, it can get to anybody.
How can I be someone who could hurt a woman when I know what it feels like? What it does to a person? Besides a woman is sacred and no one has a right to lay a single finger on her for any reason without her permission/consent. So I don't.
Reciprocally, please respect my humanity and sincere intentions.
Lurker
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Quote by stormdog100


Tremendous response, Dani, very thoughtful and well-stated. Thanks for sharing it. I can't imagine anyone reaching adulthood - much less middle- or old-age - without having been hurt badly somewhere along the way. Possibly many times.

It really is all about how you deal with it, and one of the things that wears me out is when people use their prior bad experience as either a bludgeon or a crutch. While I can very well understand how a woman (or a man) that has been physically, mentally, or emotionally battered in a prior relationship might be permanently scarred by it, the way that it sometimes turns into a hatred or contempt for men in general - all men - always saddens me.

We're not all like that any more than all women are screaming shrews just because perhaps one was, once upon a time. In fact, in my experience most men - by far - admire, respect, and love women. Most of us would gladly insert ourselves between a man and a woman or child he was attempting to harm. Chivalry is not dead; sometimes you just have to look for it, and if you're fortunate you find that someone that makes all of those past hurts and struggles eventually fade away.

That's not to say that we won't occasionally do or say something that hurts the ones we love. We're human, we make mistakes, but it's usually just that, a thoughtless, bone-headed mistake. Like most guys, I could probably use a little work on learning to say I'm sorry, but rest assured that most guys don't hurt women. Or at least that's the way I was raised to believe a man should be. A real man, not one that claims that title solely because of a "Y" chromosome or certain genitalia...


I am at an age where I have been hurt, and sadly, have hurt other people, sometimes quite badly. Where there is real love and trust, I believe that one can make a new beginning. The relationship will be changed, and in the end, often strengthened by the process of reconciliation. The wounds do heal, but their scars will remain, but we should bear them with maturity, because they are signs that we have lived, rather than surrounding ourselves with an impervious shell, beyond the reach of joy and well as hurt.
Rainbow Warrior
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I've been hurt too. Brutally! But I never throw that up as an excuse or a warning. It's a defense mechanism both women and men use to avoid getting too deeply into a relationship where they might get hurt again. When you hear that, don't press your luck, and you best lower your expectations, or make up your mind to either walk on eggshells or be a perfect human being in every way!
Lurker
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Unfortunately. The name of the game in the social media is to hurt the one's you lie to. I'm sure Sprite is not alone and I bare my sympathies. Beware the dental floss smiles...nine times out of ten, covering decay.
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by Buz
I always thought life is too short for a whiny girlfriend, especially when there are always plenty of up beat chicks that want to go for the gusto. You know the kind that make a great partner and take over your motorcycle when you marry them. So I had to buy a second motorcycle.


Buz, You are the bomb buddy!

Thank you for the comic relief!
Constant Gardener
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You're either being steered into a possible friend-only zone, or you are being politely refused for any possible romantic or sexual relationship.

Buy a clue, avoid and continue onward. There's no 'reward' to be gained in this situation. That's not even a decent tactic to adopt. At least, I cannot imagine how it could be.

Unless, you have no female friends and you are eager to put together a new gaggle of them.

Women who have been hurt and are my friends.

Sounds like a blast.
The same GQP demanding we move on from January 6th, 2021 is still doing audits of the November 3rd, 2020 election.
Her Royal Spriteness
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Quote by Weavindreams


Exactly, my thinking, knowing what she's said before, is that Sprite took it to mean PHYSICALLY abused, when what was originally MEANT was emotional abuse ( or at least I think so) Although I DO know and understand that oft times women suffer through both in a relationship with some maggot bag. (Yes Sprite are a few would love to have gotten my hands on....once. That's ALL it would have taken. )


Quite frankly, physical abuse is rarely separated from emotional and mental abuse, while E and M CAN be separated from physical abuse. since i've gone on the record before, i'll be brutally honest here - the non-physical fucked me up far more than the physical. bones knit, scars heal, minds, though, are tricky things. when i say, 'if you fuck with me i will stab you' being a warning, that's exactly what it is. i don't use the 'i've been hurt' as an excuse, but i DO put it on the table that if you ever try to mess me up intentionally, i will fucking come after you and i will mess you up beyond your wildest dreams.

as for baggage, yeah, we all got it in some form or the other - i have never used it as an excuse to not be in a relationship - that said, when getting serious about a relationship, i will bring it up, so people understand that there are issues - i take responsibility for them, but they need to know that they exist - it's only fair. It's kind of like the lemon law with cars - Before you buy, you should know that the the starter doesn't engage at times and that the brakes are just about shot. smile

You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.

Lurker
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Quote by sprite


Quite frankly, physical abuse is rarely separated from emotional and mental abuse, while E and M CAN be separated from physical abuse. since i've gone on the record before, i'll be brutally honest here - the non-physical fucked me up far more than the physical. bones knit, scars heal, minds, though, are tricky things. when i say, 'if you fuck with me i will stab you' being a warning, that's exactly what it is. i don't use the 'i've been hurt' as an excuse, but i DO put it on the table that if you ever try to mess me up intentionally, i will fucking come after you and i will mess you up beyond your wildest dreams.

as for baggage, yeah, we all got it in some form or the other - i have never used it as an excuse to not be in a relationship - that said, when getting serious about a relationship, i will bring it up, so people understand that there are issues - i take responsibility for them, but they need to know that they exist - it's only fair. It's kind of like the lemon law with cars - Before you buy, you should know that the the starter doesn't engage at times and that the brakes are just about shot. smile



Not only don't I have ANY argument at all with ANY of what you have stated so clearly and well, allow me to point you BACK to my very first post on this thread. And KNOW, that you have my very best wishes and hopes for your future.
Her Royal Spriteness
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Quote by Weavindreams



Not only don't I have ANY argument at all with ANY of what you have stated so clearly and well, allow me to point you BACK to my very first post on this thread. And KNOW, that you have my very best wishes and hopes for your future.


As for learning, it took me a bit. my first serious relationship with a guy after i'd broken it off with the asshole, was kind of a mess. he wasn't abusive, but he was an asshole. lots of one nighter strung out in between, as well, figured i couldn't get hurt much if i just used them for a night of fucking - and it was using them. they weren't people, persons, to me - they were just fucks. i'd pretty much shut off emotions - you can't get hurt if you don't get invested. eventually, i get it figured out, and yeah, cycle broken, but it took a long while, and a lot of work, and how fucked up is it that there's this little part of me that will always be a little in love with the guy who abused me? twisted, i know, but as a lot of women know, abusive relationships can be intense and passionate and in between the abuse... *shrugs* it is a hard cycle to break at times.

You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.

Lurker
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Understood, only too well I'm afraid. That's why anymore whenever I DO run into a woman who IS "caught in that loop" I recommend one book for her to read and then REREAD. "Men Who Hate Women And The Women Who Love Them." It was written by a psychologist who went through it herself. It's helped a few that I personally know of...the ones who DID READ and then REREAD it.
Active Ink Slinger
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Not at all. If you can't be there for a friend who is hurting, don't expect them to be there for you when you are. Granted some women (and men) do seem to attract pain and suffering and I have seen the "chronically abused" myself more than once. But we have all been through the ups and downs and you just have to be patient. After all, it doesn't cost anything to listen.
Active Ink Slinger
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I know the feeling I have been hurting since March 24th 2012 when I lost my Daughter
Active Ink Slinger
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Perhaps try to understand that when you meet someone they may be dealing with a bad breakup, and they may not be ready to jump into another relationship. You may be ready, but they are not. If you keep hearing, "I've been hurt, I am going through a really tough situation, I am not ready", you need to take that as a very clear sign and accept that you are not on the same page. If you want to be a friend and lend support, then do it without the expectation that eventually it will lead to a romantic relationship. Forcing a relationship will lead to disaster when you are not really ready or over someone else, trust me on that. If your friendship blossoms into a beautiful romance down the road, then be grateful and be happy.
Lurker
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Quote by sprite
For me, the line "i've been hurt" is a warning, not an excuse - translation: if you even think about fucking with me, i will stab you in the eye.

and no, i'm not messing around for once - i'm totally serious.


This. I couldn't say it better.
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by tiemeuptiemedown
Perhaps try to understand that when you meet someone they may be dealing with a bad breakup, and they may not be ready to jump into another relationship. You may be ready, but they are not. If you keep hearing, "I've been hurt, I am going through a really tough situation, I am not ready", you need to take that as a very clear sign and accept that you are not on the same page. If you want to be a friend and lend support, then do it without the expectation that eventually it will lead to a romantic relationship. Forcing a relationship will lead to disaster when you are not really ready or over someone else, trust me on that. If your friendship blossoms into a beautiful romance down the road, then be grateful and be happy.


Sweetheart, I know that full well, and I really do try to help, and nurture someone I like back to health just because I want to help heal their wounds, and help them to become re-newed/re-born to life again. No ulterior motive intended, though just being around some people can make us feel good, and feel good thta we are helping them. I know that when I have been crushed by someone, I am not me. Who can be?
I usually say, "Please know I am on the rebound ok?" and maybe even add, "I really got crushed this time."
I am not looking to manipulate but to warn the other person, as I may have "feelings" (just to name one thing) that I myself more need to have, even though I may think they are due to the new person I am relating to. That could hurt them and I must be fair to others if I wish to be treated fairly.
And as you say, "If your friendship blossoms into a beautiful romance down the road, then be grateful and be happy." That would be such a blessing!
But I am being honest with this: I learned long ago, that I am not going to wish people love(d) me, and even pick out those I want to. Because I find that those who have come into my life and love me,
are true blessings to me, and I love them back.

I also want to make clear one more time, I have profound sympathy for Sprite and the shattering traumas she has had. I went through the same kind of thing myself. So I know the life-altering, destructive effect those things can have on any human being. It pains me to see her still hurting and it angers me that this happens so often that it is criminal. Each case is criminal, and a system that treats women who have gone through such things so marginally is itself, in its callousness, committing a crime against humanity/huwomanity.
I wish I could tell you what they told me. I wish I could tell you what it did to me.....the very specific effects....I can't.....36 years ago and I can't yet..... so I stand with Sprite and the brave people who want
respect for our humanity. She has a right to demand it!

I am sorry angel (tiemeup....) that came out in response to your lovely post. Who knows? Maybe it felt safer for me to say that with you nearby. Your golden heart humbles me. Thank you for your post.
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by Dancewithme


Sweetheart, I know that full well, and I really do try to help, and nurture someone I like back to health just because I want to help heal their wounds, and help them to become re-newed/re-born to life again. No ulterior motive intended, though just being around some people can make us feel good, and feel good thta we are helping them. I know that when I have been crushed by someone, I am not me. Who can be?
I usually say, "Please know I am on the rebound ok?" and maybe even add, "I really got crushed this time."
I am not looking to manipulate but to warn the other person, as I may have "feelings" (just to name one thing) that I myself more need to have, even though I may think they are due to the new person I am relating to. That could hurt them and I must be fair to others if I wish to be treated fairly.
And as you say, "If your friendship blossoms into a beautiful romance down the road, then be grateful and be happy." That would be such a blessing!
But I am being honest with this: I learned long ago, that I am not going to wish people love(d) me, and even pick out those I want to. Because I find that those who have come into my life and love me,
are true blessings to me, and I love them back.

I also want to make clear one more time, I have profound sympathy for Sprite and the shattering traumas she has had. I went through the same kind of thing myself. So I know the life-altering, destructive effect those things can have on any human being. It pains me to see her still hurting and it angers me that this happens so often that it is criminal. Each case is criminal, and a system that treats women who have gone through such things so marginally is itself, in its callousness, committing a crime against humanity/huwomanity.
I wish I could tell you what they told me. I wish I could tell you what it did to me.....the very specific effects....I can't.....36 years ago and I can't yet..... so I stand with Sprite and the brave people who want
respect for our humanity. She has a right to demand it!

I am sorry angel (tiemeup....) that came out in response to your lovely post. Who knows? Maybe it felt safer for me to say that with you nearby. Your golden heart humbles me. Thank you for your post.


T - you have always been so lovely and kind to me, and you are such a wonderful guy that I want nothing but for you to find that one person who is going to love you the way you deserve to be loved and cared for. Good people like you deserve to be happy and if I could make all the horrible things that happened to you go away, I would. You have become a dear friend and you know I am here for you. xoxo
Devil's Advocate
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Quote by Dani
So many people use the "I've been hurt" or "I have [insert issue(s) here]" line to excuse their emotional instability/immaturity. And when called on it, they'll revert to "I told you I had issues when we met."

We all have our baggage that we inevitably take out on the next person that comes along. But having issues shouldn't excuse you from owning up to your bullshit and trying to work through your issues instead of reveling in the fact that you have said issues and expecting whoever's with you to just make due.

It's one thing to say "I have issues, and sometimes I act like a total piece of shit...but I'm working on it." It's an entirely different thing to say, "I have issues, and sometimes I act like a total piece of shit...deal with it."

I can appreciate the fact that people can be hurt many times in many ways, but using that hurt as a weapon to be manipulative, dismissive, abusive, or just plain unwilling to be a person worthy of being with is not cool.


Another vote for this. And what Buz said too.

Judge me on who I am, not on what the last guy did. Everyone's got a sob story. It's how we choose to react to it that makes us who we are.
My latest story is a racy little piece about what happens when someone cute from work invites you over to watch Netflix and Chill.