Can a man (or woman) who flirts and/or has cybersex on line claim to be " happily married", or are they just lying hypocrites deceiving their RL partners?
Wow! Good Question! I have often wondered the same thing.
Or maybe deceiving ourselves perhaps?
I take the above points, my question was aimed at those that don't tell there partners what they get up to on line!
At this point in time "Happily Divorced".
After you've been married twice and discovered all they wanted to do was target one's assets.
Who knows, I might just stay this way.
A person can be flirty, in fact most people that are married, both men and women equally, couples in serious relationships, whether straight or gay, do flirt. I think that's human nature. But going further would be a betrayal unless the couple has an arrangement/open relationship.
Cybersex, I think is crossing the line, unless the other half knows and is okay with it.
I'm often surprised at the number of people on Lush who seem to be here only to flirt, cyber, or otherwise seek others' sexual attention. Maybe that IS indicative of something lacking in their RL relationship. But then there is something lacking in MOST relationships, or their wouldn't be so many divorces/dissolutions. This is a writing/story site, not a dating site, but if it can serve multiple purposes, then all the better, because for whatever reason, I want Lush to be successful. I don't cyber with anyone online, but I flirt with everyone, online and in RL. That's just my nature. If a RL relationship is so constraining and restrictive that it can't survive flirting with others, that's a pretty sure sign that it's in trouble already.
Since I'm in this situation, I'll give you some of my thoughts on the matter. My opinion is that not getting enough sex isn't a grounds for divorce by any stretch of the imagination. No relationship is perfect and never will be. I am happy the majority of the time and I don't want to change that. Now whether or not coming here and flirting online etc is right or wrong, I can't say. I will say that coming here and flirting makes me happy which makes me feel better all day long. And as the saying goes, happy wife, happy life.
It's a tough question and there probably isn't a good answer.
I think it is natural to look around, flirt, and engage in lusty thoughts about others you are not married to, even when in a successful long-term and long-lasting relationship. We are more like bonobos than we want to believe.
Thoughts are not criminal. The only potential problem occurs when it goes beyond thoughts and becomes reality. And then, to each his/her own, in terms of what is tolerable. There seems to be a wide spectrum of what is considered acceptable, and that level of acceptance seems to vary throughout a longer relationship, so I will not pretend to have the right answer.
However, one should always remain cognizant of what might be put at risk by engaging in sites like this, or in extramarital dating sites, and any of the associated activities that relate to others outside of an established relationship. Your SO may be OK with what is happening, while someone else's SO is opposed. Probably, many justifications are founded on two principles: 1. It makes me feel good, better than I would feel otherwise; 2. I don't want or intend to hurt anyone else. In the ideal world, all things can be communicated freely and openly, so everyone is at least aware, if not also in agreement. It is the communication that is often the most difficult, and not undertaken because it is quite likely that someone will feel hurt.
"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than open one's mouth and remove all doubt" - Mark Twain (or Lincoln, or Confucius, or...)
I am in fact happily married -- literally, tomorrow is my 46th wedding anniversary -- and I flirt like crazy here, so your question feels directed specifically to me. (Though I'm not vain enough or delusional enough to believe that's true.)
Let me state it unequivocally and loudly: I love my wife right down to the ground. She has been The Best Woman for as long as I have known her. She is my partner in all the ways that she can be, and I am hers. I know in my marrow that she loves me. Does that mean that we fulfill every need for each other? No, don't be silly. We are two separate people, not one.
My marriage includes virtually no physical sex, and hasn't for about ten or fifteen years. Prior to that, we had a very satisfying, though unadventurous, sex life. We did try an "open marriage" in the first eight years of the marriage, but neither of us has had any other physical partners since 1977. My wife finds even the discussion of sex unappealing to the point of annoyance; that is, even a discussion about how we might expand our physical relationship is out of the question. There's never been a fantasy life to speak of -- we don't send sexy notes to each other or watch porn together, say. She dresses well, but never to be "sexy"; her lingerie is functional rather than provocative.
So. I still have sexual urges, and even if there isn't a sexual desire, I occasionally want to talk about sex with someone. Since my wife doesn't want to do that -- and actually doesn't even want to know if I do that with anyone else -- I talk (and flirt, and swap pictures with) some of my friends here. I have several Lush friends with whom I've gone way beyond simple flirting, but not in the direction of infidelity. Rather, we've exchanged a fair number of intimacies and secrets. You know, the way actual IRL friends do.
Summing up: I don't believe I'm a deceiving, lying hypocrite. You (the OP) can believe what you want.
This is a fascinating topic, mainly due to the honesty and thoughtfulness of the responses. Although I'm single at the mo, when I was in a relationship my rule of thumb on Lush was to avoid any conversation that I wouldn't happily show my boyfriend, which seemed to work for us. But then, I'm mainly here for the stories and writing anyway.
As the posters above have said, lines gets blurred in a life long relationship when one partner loses their desire for sex. Lush must seem a safe place for the other partner to express themselves, and that is very much about their discretion and the basic happiness of the relationship. As the success of a very long term relationship is not necessarily sex-dependent.
I think things get more problematic if a long term relationship is not happy, and someone comes on Lush seeking some sort of sexual compensation. I also wonder about some younger attached Lushies who come on here not for the stories or friendships but specifically for sexual release. One does ponder over the longevity of their real life relationships.
What Verbal said;
"I don't think anyone can ever know what it's like inside another person's marriage. It's unknowable, just like knowing what is truly going on inside someone else's head is unknowable"
Very nicely written Porgy!! And a good question by the op.
My profile states "happily married" and I mean it to my very core, my husband is my true partner and I love him very much. He is aware of my use of this site, took a couple of the pics for my profile, but has no interest (and not enough imagination) to participate here.
There are certain fantasies I have, which I shared with him, that he is not willing to explore. As much as I respect his choice, he respects that I like to talk about certain aspects of sex that are unappealing to him. It isn't the case that if I can't be on lush that I'd go out and cheat on him.
I do believe we're happily married, and that as we've only ever slept with each other that there are curiosities that can be safely discovered and discussed here.
I have had the odd moan about our sex life to certain friends here, but everyone moans about something, no marriage is perfect, and venting is healthy, sometimes blurting everything out to a "stranger" can help to weed out the hurtful or unnecessary things, making a reasonable conversation possible with your real life partner later on, when you're calm.
In short, I don't believe my fun here makes me a liar or hypocrite, but I also don't believe every married person here operates in a healthy manner....
Another case of "each to their own" for this one I think!
Wasn't happy in my first marriage and am definitely not happy in my second....
Been married twice, to the same woman. Yea, I know a sucker for punishment, but things you do for your children.
Answer, no I wasn't happy then, but I've been single for 30 years now and I've never been happier. It would be love at first sight and knocking my socks off for me to do it again. Just can't happen.
Well that's just my opinion, sorry if you don't like.
BigDaddyRich
I was married for many years and there were things my wife didn't want to do, sexually, but that was O K.
As far as I'm aware, we satisfied each other within those 'unwritten' boundaries.
As for flirting, cannot the phrase 'I chosen from the menu but that doesn't stop me looking' apply ?
You'll have gathered that I'm not married, now, and, as a virgin until shortly before I was married, I've been quite surprised - quite often pleasurably, sometimes not so (!) - by the antics of subsequent partners.
In summary, I think that, as others have said, one can never pass judgement on other people's marriages.
So, let's simply enjoy our times here.
I am happy-ish with my marriage. We are grood friends who have been coexisting for many years more like roommates. We raised 3 grown kids together, laugh together, enjoy vacations with each other, and on occasions enjoy each other in the bedroom. I guess the definition of "happily married" is wide open for interpretation.
Some would look at my situation and be envious, but what they don't see are two people who couldn't be more opposite in what they enjoy, whose life values and goals are completely different. Deep, meaningful conversations are absent, and sensual love has never really been there. Again, what is the definition of "happily married"?
I used to think I was happily married but didnt understand why I was so frustrated. The older I got, the more I craved a deep spiritual connection with a woman - a soul mate if you will. Someone to share my thoughts and cravings with, to discuss life and love and all that makes life worth living.
My wife cannot help who she is anymore than I, and she is genuinely a good woman. She's done nothing that deserves the pain of losing a partner she honestly loves, so here I am - caught between living with a good friend with whom I've shared most of my life with yet needing so much more. Is being here right? Is it cheating? That answer is different for everyone. Am I a lying hypocrite deceiving my RL partner? Not at all. While she doesn't know I'm active here, she knows my deep desire for an intimate connection yet most of the time is unwilling to do anything about it. I wish this wasn't the case, but it's my reality.
I know people who are "happily" married and happily having an online affair
I cannot judge I don't live their life
But I only want one man
One in my bed one in my thoughts
One forever
But having been married with no sex
I understand completely
I just want..one..on one
Others do not...and that is fine for them
To be all alike would be boring
All I ask is please never hurt anyone
Life is too short to be unkind
Good question.
