Oh God...
Sky High manic today... (Well, it was coming...) Feeling like I've just been shot out of a fucking cannon and am ZACKED on speed... Shakes, nausea, a vague sense of TERROR, but oddly enough not an entirely unpleasant feeling... Well, not ENTIRELY... But fucking scary... Waaaaah!
This happens me... Especially after periods of creative or productive activity... (You gotta pay The Demons, Baby...)
The REALLY fucked thing is that I KNOW the CRASH is a-comin'!!! (And I can joke about that NOW but I DEEPLY FEAR the fall...) It's a long way down...
Okay, so practically, what happens now? Well, I don't know, I just have to wait it out... Hopefully it will pass quickly.
You know the WORST thing about it? It's that it's BORING. And TODAY I realize I've been On One emotionally for a few days now... And as you lot know I DON'T do that well... (And that's FUCKING embarrassing...)
Wish me luck, kids...
I'll be FINE!
Four Hours Later...
Ouch...
Stomach craps, vomiting, SCREAMING DEMONS, curled on the floor in pain, crying...
TELLING MYSELF, "This is a condition you have and this has happened before and it will pass..."
BUT the dancing demons say, "YOU thought you were great recently... YOU were a SMART ARSE on forum and you wrote a story... Which was SHIT... And NOW we are going to tear your worthless cunt heart out..."
Me: "You are not real..."
Them: "BUT DOESN'T IT FEEL LIKE WE ARE MOTHERFUCKER!!!!"
(And the scary thing is that it does...)
x SF
HOW CAN I FEEL THAT AND WRITE THIS???
Well, BAD CRASH HIGH MANIC makes you feel UNTUNED... SOMEWHERE in your head you ARE REAL, but your body is SICK and FUCKED and that makes you PANIC... (*IT'S NOT REAL!!!*)
And I can't TUNE OUT the voices in my head that say, "YOU DESERVE THIS, ASSHOLE!"
Many people think that Bi-Polar MD is quite a COOL illness... I tell you honestly, if you could see me now, you would NEVER fucking look at me again... It's DISGUSTING... (My teeth hurt!)
My HEART is racing, my skin is CRAWLING and I'm RATTLING with panic...
IT WILL PASS!
We're all here for you. Hang on in there and sending hugs xxx
I take it you're not on a course of Lithium at the moment.
Ditch alcohol, caffeine, sugar and any non-prescription drugs. Sleep whenever you can. Walk at least 6 miles a day, preferably in daylight. Limit your time online.
Warning: The opinions above are those of an anonymous individual on the internet. They are opinions, unless they're facts. They may be ill-informed, out of touch with reality or just plain stupid. They may contain traces of irony. If reading these opinions causes you to be become outraged or you start displaying the symptoms of outrage, stop reading them immediately. If symptoms persist, consult a psychiatrist.
Why not read some stories instead
NEW! Want a quick read for your coffee break? Why not try this... Flash Erotica: Scrubber You are not alone, though it may feel that way. There is a whole community here who is riding this out with you. Your words and your heart have touched a lot of people here, so let us repay the favor. Our thoughts are with you. I have some experience with brain chemistry run amok, and know how scary and endless it can seem.
Now FIVE hours later...
Calmer...
Realizing I AM EXHAUSTED. (I go through long periods where I just don't sleep...)
Feeling Sleepy.
Demons Quiet... (Try again NEXT TIME you CUNTS!)
"Without US you are nothing, WE MADE YOU!!!!"
No you didn't. Somebody ELSE let you into my head. Now GET BACK INTO YOUR FUCKING CAGES!
"Until next time?"
Be Quiet.
xx SF
@OMKN... (I don't take drugs of any kind these days. I've been prescribed SHIT LOADS but they zone me out so I don't use them. The Upside to that is that I can do what I do... The downside is the last six hours, but, someone here was holding my hand, and the act of talking about it helps... I'd like to thank you for your concern, too. Thank You.)
I USED to use Cocaine, Heroin, Weed and pills to self-medicate, and in MANY WAYS, that kinda worked, but again, you pay in different ways. I've been clean for nearly ten years now. (Barring a few slips, none very recent...) Just beers now and too much of that, but a man needs a vice, no?
Otherwise I'd be perfect... How Boring... (HEAVY IRONY!)
Now I need to nap. Thank you all for your help. Nice People. (I don't deserve your patience...)
xx Stephen Robinson
Try and get some sleep. You know you've got a bunch of friends. I'm hoping you'r feeling calmer soon, buddy.
*Sighs* I had to sit here for a few minutes to calm myself down. Just reading this sent me into an anxiety tailspin.
This is my life on a nearly every day occurrence. The smallest things can set me off. I totally and completely feel you. (No, not like that. Pervert.)
Steph: "But I wouldn't mind that way either."
Me: "No, me either probably."
Steph: "Wanna?"
Me: "Better not."
Steph: "Cheeky flirt."
Me: "I am, yes."
Seriously though, I'm on the same page. I get it. I hope your day continues to get better, even if it is going slowly.
I've had my share of ups and downs lately, and while what I'm feeling is nothing in comparison to what you are going through, I do feel for you. It's lovely to see so many people reaching out to you, and I hope this passes soon, and you are able to find your center again. Best regards. L
Steph,
My girlfriend goes through this regular. We rejoice in the ups and hold tight through the lows. Like you she is off meds and uses excercise to help level her out. I hope and pray you endure through the lows. So many artists suffer through the same malady.
Okay...
First an APOLOGY TO MY FRIEND CALUM.
I said it, I'm ashamed of what I said, I DID NOT KNOW I wasn't well, (the CUNTIEST thing about my condition is that you don't know when it's driving you...) and My Friend knows I care for him and respect him and I was a prick in that instance.
MAYBE there is a GODHEAD, because I SURE AS SHIT was punished today...
Here's the deal.
People like ME, with Bi Pi/MD, have to fight HARDER AND MORE just to feel like everyone else. In my own case, this means I have to show EVERYONE I'm MR GENIUS UNDERPANTS... So there was THAT campaign. And then deciding to record a music album after 10 years not doing that. (It's good you'll love it...) And of course I have a real job!!! And some things that IMPACTED on me, (My brother is getting divorced, there were other issues a friend shared with me...) And then my, (let's be honest...) MY EGO DRIVEN NEED TO BE SUPER LUSH MAN...
(Something's gotta give...)
But here's how MD people think...
Need To Eat?
(Fuck That!)
Need to sleep?
(Fuck That!!)
NEED TO TAKE IT DOWN A FUCKING NOTCH THERE GUY???
(Fuck THAT!)
Until it CATCHES UP and you end up rolling on the floor throwing up and crying and thinking that dead might be a trip...
"There are bigger things than everything when things are not okay..."
(The IRONIC thing about trying to do EVERYTHING brilliantly is that you end up doing NOTHING very well... And we're not STUPID... We see that... Usually JUST TOO LATE before you TOTALLY fuck up...)
And I DO do some things well.
But the CONDITION waits until you are tired, worn out, uncertain... And then hops into the driving seat and speeds off with your life... (Sometimes LITERALLY...) From my computer desk I can see my work table... AND THE SCALPEL...) It's that bad...
And, FUCK YES I BEAT THE BASTARDS EVERY TIME... (But here's the trip... In the DEPTHS of the episode, there is always a moment where you want to just FUCKING give in...) Your own mind KNOWS quite how perfectly to hurt you... NO LOVER could ever hurt you quite so.
Well, not yet for me.
So, ACTUALLY, I WON'T ask for this thread to be deleted... (I was GOING to, and I'm FALLEN ROYALTY here and they WOULD if I asked...) But you get me warts and all...
Final point. I am a Bi-Polar Manic Depressive Cyclothymic person. To SAY that, to talk about it, DOES NOT MAKE ME BRAVE OR HEROIC! (In many ways I'm deeply ashamed of it... I LET PEOPLE DOWN...) And I hate that aspect of it. I HATE that it makes me scared and cry like a child. I HATE that it's trying to kill me.
But I have to live with it and so do my friends who love me.
That would be you lot.
And for your love and support I, as A FUCKING GOOD WRITER, can't find the words to say how grateful I am for your understanding.
To paraphrase Lenny Bruce, "Dick Jokes Coming Soon!"
(I needed THIS today and you were there. Thanks.)
xx SF
Stephanie, I know exactly what you are going through, and you have my deepest sympathy and support. Like you I am bipolar, but I am in neutral at the moment, neither high nor low, but I can't seem to write a word of prose or poetry - whatever I try just seems dull and lifeless. At least my demons are quiet, but they are always there waiting to strike, which often seems to happen when I have been particularly manic, and my defenses are down.
I was on Prozac for eight years, which stopped the depressions, but made the world just seem pale and insipid. I was able to stop the medication when I started to take a dopamine substitute for an unrelated medical condition, but the mood swings returned, and have got worse in the last three years.
I was at an Equality and Diversity conference last week at the hospital trust where I am a public governor. The keynote speakers all shared personal stories about their experiences of exclusion, because of physical disability, ethnicity or because they were gay or lesbian, but then members of the audience were asked to share their stories. To my surprise I found myself offering my reflections on being bipolar, and the totally irrational feelings of rejection and self loathing that I feel when I am depressed, and I went on to say that I had learned to hide my feelings when I was depressed, partly so as not to embarrass colleagues, but also because of the total lack of understanding by many who are not similarly afflicted - to be told to pull yourself together is about as unhelpful as it gets. I also added that I know that these emotions are nonsense, but I can do absolutely nothing to stop them. Several people thanked me afterwards for what I had said, which they had found very helpful.
Would I change? Probably not. The highs are extraordinary, my mind seems to work at hyper speed, and the rush of ideas across my mind is just amazing. My confidence and self belief at such times may seem arrogant, but there are times when I really do feel as if I can walk on water. I am not saying that it is necessary to be bipolar to be creative, but that my creativity is an important bi-product of my manic phases. I am also indebted to those who are close to me for their understanding and support, especially because I am often cruel to them when I am at my lowest point. There is one special person here on Lush, and to her all I can say is "Thank you and I love you."
Guys, PLEASE don't worry, I'm MUCH better... I ATE!!!
(It was a HELLISH few hours but I've had THAT SHIT last DAYS...)
I NEED to sleep, though...
Guys, I....
(You know... Thanks...)
x Stephen
40 hours (approx) later...
Well, I slept out cold for nearly 17 hours so I guess that was indeed a factor.
Back in work today, VERY SHAKY, nervous, but more or less fine.
Re-reading my post on what it feels like at the time, it really sounds like heavy withdrawal symptoms... (The irony being I've been through that a few times and it wasn't near as bad...) Thinking about it, it's not surprising that it feels like that. If your brain/body is allowing you inappropriate levels of chemicals, (Dopamine, Adrenalin etc...) for a period of days/weeks and then it just STOPS... Well, your in withdrawal, Baby...
You guys know it helps me that I have your regard and support.
xx Stephen
you need a cat. i'm serious. cat's are the ultimate anti-despressant.
You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.
I am so very glad you have shared this very personal part of who you are. I ache for your pain. I have a daughter with mental illness and have spent years hiding and lying to protect her. If we love her - we will never tell anyone! I have learned the worth of all people and hope that I have more compassion. I do believe that we are all doing the best we can - at the time - and there is no place for blame. Please know that I want the best for you.
