I have been married for 16 years. When I got married my parents did not like my husband and were shocked by his angry outbursts. But I was young and in love.
Over the years friends and family have been shocked by his outbursts (flies into uncontrollable rages) but no one has suggested I leave him. He has never hit me. He occasionally throws objects and spits though.
Some of the time of course he is lovely and we have fun together. But I have begun to realise I never feel really safe at home - I am always wondering if I am going to upset him about something.
I wanted to chat with one of my friends or family about my concerns and then realised that I am mostly cut off from them and they very rarely see me and hubbie together and of course if they do he is on best behaviour.
Although I work and I love my job, life at home is very constrained. I have to make meals to very particular requirements at set times or he gets cross. He links needing this and other things to his health. He seems to have an endless health problem which he never gets addressed. Of course I do all the housework.
Sex is awful. He refuses to try to turn me on as he says I get too wet as it is, so it must all be about him.
I just wanted some outside opinions.
Thanks.
I'll make this simple. yes, you are.
the first step would be to talk to him about getting couples counselling. if he agrees, you've got some work to do, but you're headed in the right direction.
if he doesn't, i would leave him. that's not an ultimatum you make to get him to change his ways. that's a hard, cold, this is over, i want a divorice and i want you out of the house kind of thing. talk to your family about it first - make sure that you have support and a safe place to go should you need one. hopefully, it won't come to that, but yeah, this is abuse. abuse is not always physical. best of luck, and i hope it works out for you.
You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.
That sounds like a stressful way to live. PM me if you'd like. I'm a great listener. I've been there before. No two situations are the same, but I can relate to the "nervous feeling".
Please- open up to someone. I am here and willing, but if not to me, please open up to someone.
Yes..
The minute you said you never feel safe..those words are the ten foot tall red flag.
Verbal abuse is so damaging. With a bruise YOU can see the pain and report it.
With damaging words ..your soul your self esteem takes such a beating...
You feel UNWORTHY
Now I don't know if you have kids or a job or money in the bank
Most abusers will use ALL of those things against their victim
When your friends and family have noticed honey it has become more than bad
He now feels he can do anything he wants
You are not a slave..you deserve THE best a man can give..not the worst
My advice...get your ducks in a row..money place to live
And leave when he is not around
make sure when you do...have some men with you
And don't be surprised when he comes crying and begging for you back
They all do..they all say they will change and NONE ever do
Am sorry honey. ...been through this..helped my sister leave
What you are going through is beyond awful
I am here too...you deserve a beautiful life..remember. .that ok..hugs
You have been very courageous to ask this question, and have so far got the support here to think about your situation further. Abuse is about control and fear, and as these are both present in your relationship with your husband I would also agree with the other posters. Until you feel in a valid, safe position to talk about this with friends and family, please do keep communicating on here, as you do need that vital support. Sending you supportive hugs in the meantime.
Everyone has given you great responses. I think your husband has some serious mental issues and needs to see a good psychiatrist.
Thank you all for your thoughts.
Kind of what I expected I guess, but didn't want it to be true. I am fortunately going to see a counsellor for the first time tomorrow which I hope will be helpful too. Expensive, but hopefully helpful!!
Yes, I think I need to see my family and talk with them.
I am fortunate that I have a job and income. And also that we don't have children. I think I will make arrangements to secure that income stream and start seeing where else I might stay, probably my parents.
But I know it could be a hideous journey ahead if I take that drastic move. And I do worry what he might do - particularly to himself and possibly to our property.
But then if I don't do this and just carry on as is I don't think either of us will be happy.
Thanks all.
Hugs honey...but its time..and if u are worried..take a self defense class...document everything he does says..dates and get a restraining order
U have no kids..can u imagine what would happen if u did?
There is a beautiful life ahead for you..safety. .joy..peace
Don't you deserve that?
I was in an abusive relationship for years and I didn't really notice it. Not fully, I was aware, but not to the extent it truly was. Once I realized though, I knew I had to leave. It took me a year to do, being afraid of many things. Being alone for one, him getting angry and hurting me. So many things. It was and is a scary thing to do, but it is the best thing you can do for yourself.
If you don't feel safe in your own home, you need to let him go. Sure, you can try and see a professional together, good luck with that. I for one, would just leave. I left my ex five years ago, I've been single since, a lot to do with the fear of ending up with someone like him again.
Yes, when you realize that he can be a loose cannon, capable of firing at any time, then you are positive. Obviously, I don't know all the details, which is another reason people have gotta judge these cases on a case by case basis, so no one can really make it a general rule of it. I still stand by what I said though. Obviously, if he hasn't hit you yet, it could be worse, so therefore, you definitely need to something to prevent something worse from happening. More than that, make it better, because it sounds like it will (If it hasn't already) cause a great deal of stress on you. I wish the best of luck to you.
I understood that LucyBee is going to a counseller alone tomorrow? Which would be very helpful and hopefully give her the perspective she needs to begin to make her decisions for the future. Like any one who has been in that situation, getting away is a process, which needs financial and emotional backing. Something sudden can make one even more vulnerable in the short term.
The best advice I can give you...is you cannot change people. You should never be in a relationship where you feel scared. Like others have sad, get your finances in order, get a safe place to live and get the hell out of there.
I would definitely get a divorce. It doesn't really sound healthy in any regard. If you ever need a friend, a shoulder to cry on or somebody to just listen, PM me. I'm a very good listener and would be glad to be your friend.
Sending you big hugs, prayers and positive energy.
Hugs,
Mysteria
Xo
Nothing to REALLY add to the offerings of my esteemed comrades above...
Except This...
Bullying, Controlling behaviour, et al ONLY comes from those who feel themselves Put Upon, Victimised, Under-rated etc... And whether or not that is in fact true, those individuals STRIKE OUT at those who love them... BECAUSE THEY CAN!!! You can QUITE SAFELY, take it out on the people who love and support you. This, believe it or not, creates the weirdest dichotomy where the BULLY starts to RESENT the person who ENABLES him in this disgraceful behaviour, BLAMING THEM FOR HIS unhappy condition...
You PUTTING UP WITH HIM MAKES HIM WORSE!
To answer your question quite baldly, yes. You are in an abusive relationship.
So, what to do?
Well, YOU aren't the one who needs psychiatric help. He is, GOD LOVE HIM IN HIS PAIN! But, cruel though it sounds, that ain't your problem.
Get out. Leave a letter. Say what you've said here. STOP PUTTING UP WITH IT!
Given no alternative, he'll shape up or not...
If he does, under new rules, you try again...
If not, you start a new chapter...
It's not easy to love someone with mental problems. It's IMPOSSIBLE if they don't acknowledge that it's a real issue.
My heart goes out to you and indeed your unfortunate man.
But you deserve better, and in the posting of this, you're telling us you know you do.
The WORST thing you can do for HIM as well as for yourself, is to let this continue.
Be brave. GET OUT. Then wait and see. This poor man can't MEND himself while you ENABLE him in this awful behaviour. Do him and yourself a favour. Bite the bullet. GET OUT.
Easier said than done, I know.
Or do nothing. And look forward to ANOTHER 16 years of being so miserable that your own pride will not allow you to fully confess it here.
My love, my respect and my hope to you, Fellow Traveller.
xx Stephen
Thanks all. I did see the counsellor (was just me on my own) and am going to go back on a weekly basis. But has already been helpful as have your comments.
I don't know what I am going to do yet but am planning for worst case scenario and have reached out to a couple of friends I still actually have!!
People never change. If he's that way now he always will be.
Divorce the bastard and never look back.
Great minds think alike but dirty minds work together.... ;)
Hi all,
After a lot of inner turmoil I have decided to leave him. I am just working on the practicalities such as where to live!!
My feelings and thooughts are like a tumble dryer at the moment and it gets harder each day to keep up the pretense. But I know I will be out of here one way or the other within the next few weeks so that keeps me going.
I have shared my situation now with a few friends and am seeing family at the weekend too.
Thanks again to all of you for your support.
xx
A very hard decision for you Lucy, but am so glad you have friends on board and hopefully family soon too. Please don't forget we are here for you too, whenever we are needed and updates will be much appreciated. All good wishes with you for the next difficult few weeks xx
Hi there everyone, I am Lucy's Master, and introduced her to Lush. I apologise for not having contributed here before but I have been offline due to a hardware issue.
On Lucy's behalf, I would like to thank you all for your good advice and positive thoughts directed towards Lucy. I am sure she has not mentioned me out of respect and discretion, but I can assure you all that over the past three months I have enjoyed training her in teaching her about her submissive side. She is a delight to bring new experiences to, but there are many years of contrary behaviour to correct.
Indeed, the quality of our sex has maybe had an impact on her decision, but I know this process, these thoughts, started more than a few months ago. I have offered advice when asked, and provided support. But it wasn't until last week, when she shared with me her original post, that I understood the nature of her married relationship, and like you, was horrified. I defined the relationship as being Dom/sub, with none of the respect or pleasure, and therefore, effectively abusive. She is attempting to increase her network of friends, having been stifled over the years.
As an involved party, but not really involved, I am seeking to respect her decision. I am recently separated myself (7 months), after a long marriage, so feel I can offer relevant advice.
So I wanted you to know that I exist, and that my Lucy Slut is performing above expectations, and receiving comfort in that sense. I suppose practical help at this stage would be if anyone has a flat share available in London, then message Lucy. I know that is occupying her time and energy. In the meantime, rest assured that she has my support. Thanks to all. xx
Wtf do you know, overmykneenow? I think for you to pick those words out of the whole of my post shows you know very little and understand less.
