I haven't had sex in a couple of years. We have been married for 15 years. We are both in our 40's. My wife started having some pain at the start of intercourse. It was more of discomfort than pain. It only got worse over the years, until is is no to painful for her to have sex. I could see her reaction as I entered her, so I know it was really painful. We stopped having sex at that point.
She has been to doctors. We were told this is more common than you might think as women get closer to menopause. The cause was supposedly hormonal changes that cause not only dryness, but for her vaginal cell lining to change in a way that no only makes her less elastic, but the tissue extremely sensitive. This can cause anywhere from minor to extreme pain. She has been prescribed medications to try. None of them seemed to work and there were some that the risks didn't seem worth it.
After years of trying medical solutions, it seems we have given up on finding one.
We talked and I suggested we just maintain our intimacy in other ways, such as oral. We tried that and I always liked giving her oral and use toys with her. She has given me oral as well, but she doesn't really like it, so that has stopped too. It seems she is only interested in vaginal intercourse, but that is the one thing we can't do any more. With me giving her oral and never really finding a something to satisfy my needs that she would like to do, we have stopped having sex altogether. It has been years now.
The rest of our relationship is fine, we still enjoy being with each other. But it is a sexless marriage. I don't want a divorce. I just didn't plan on giving up sex at age 44. It sucks. And I am not sure what I can do about it.
Not sure why I am writing this, since I am not really expecting any advice that can help. But I guess I just wanted to talk to someone who is not directly involved.
I'm really sorry to hear this. I sent you a message about it. I hope you overcome all of your issues and that you both have intimacy and intercourse and all of the things that you've been missing.
"insensitive prick!" – Danielle Algo
First of all welcome to Lush!
You say you don't expect any advice and I sure can't give you any. All I can say is that I really feel for you. Going by what you wrote I'd say it's rather selfish of your wife to only receive but not return any pleasure. If she used to give you oral sex but not anymore then it sounds to me as if something else has changed as well, besides her physical situation. Perhaps a sex therapist could help you two out with this.
Anyway, I hope you'll find a solution that works for both of you.
Take care!
=== Not ALL LIVES MATTER until BLACK LIVES MATTER ===
Thanks for all the replies. The more I thought about it, one of the reasons for my post is I guess I was "hoping", but not really expecting, someone would respond with - "I have experienced that type of pain myself or know someone who did and they finally found the following medical solution that actually helped".
The support was nice also, so thanks for that. Hopefully, didn't come off as bad mouthing my wife. That certainly wasn't how it was intended. I am just not sure how to solve this.
Leesli, sorry to hear about your friend. I can't believe he would just go through with it anyway regardless of the pain she was in. You did bring up a good idea. I think I will take your advice on asking her to come up with ideas that she may be comfortable with.
Thanks again to everyone. If nothing else, it did feel good just to get his off my chest and discuss it with others outside of the situation.
She won't give you a handjob or try a Fleshlight?
I personally haven't tried a Fleshlight but have heard that they feel very real and work very well.
I gave up a marriage for the same reason/problem you're having a few years ago and still feel like I did the right thing.
When a spouse of either sex starts ignoring the sexual needs of their partner and isn't willing to do anything about them then, in my opinion, they've lost that loving feeling and it's more than just about sex.
I know that everybody is different and some women were raised to believe that sex is a sin if it's not used to make babies and even if they can avoid that guilt when they're young it catches up with them later in life and in that case there is little, if anything, anyone can do about it. Catholics come to mind.
I hope that this isn't perceived as a slam on Catholics but I've talked to many men in my life that had wives that gave up all forms of sex fairly early and almost every single one of those women were Catholic.
Some women keep their sex drive and enjoy sex well up into their 70's and a few into their 80's.
I also know a few divorce attorneys and they tell me that a LOT more marriages fail due to one partner losing interest in sex than people would imagine.
Great minds think alike but dirty minds work together.... ;)
I guess I have to be the asshole.
Seems your wife is selfish, and uses a legitimate medical condition to skip out on her responsibility to you.
Intimacy comes in many ways. If she is willing to take, and not give back. Quit giving.
Tell her your done with one sided sex, that you will always love her, but your needs are being ignored, and you will no longer accept this.
It IS absolutely possible to love more than one person. Find someone who you can also love who will meet your needs. Be honest and upfront at all times.
It does suck. A senior female friend described the male sex drive as 'Bio tyranny'. She actually felt sorry for the male species. She recognised that the urge remains, whether ability is there, or not. Her father
88 still wanted sex - the whole family had always been open about sex - but was no longer able to get the relief of orgasm. Would your wife understand if you used a professional for relief - bearing in mind that there would be no emotion or relationship?
I think the wife should understand if he has an actual relationship. Sex without emotional attachment is unfulfilling. I couldn't deal without the intimacy of sex with a partner I care about.
I think you should have an open and honest discussion with her and explain that you do have sexual needs. If you ask me there is sex which is more of a primal need and then making love which includes having sex, but you can have sex without making love.
This actually came up in a conversation with some family and friends about a family member and we all agreed that this person should have had a girlfriend on the side for sex. It doesn't mean you still don't love your wife.
I would say Lushies are a bit more sexed than the average person but you have sexual needs. She should either meet them other ways blowjob, handjob etc. or not be upset if you go elsewhere for sex. Obviously I am not taking into account religion, etc. and just a thought.
You can even be upfront and honest with her
There are medical conditions like that which are highly resistant to change. There is a clinic in up state New York that treats the condition described here with a 95% success rate. A friend of mine with vaginismus went through the two week program and was cured. The downside it that it costs eleven thousand dollars and insurance companies don't see it as a medical need.
Enjoy!
...that wasn't a request.
This sounds a lot like my wife over the past few years. Menopause hit, then she discovered fibroids which made intercourse painful. She got some lube but that didn't help much. She's not into oral (although she used to like receiving ). Basically, she's lost all interest in intimacy.
We've been married now 35 years. With the exception of sex/intimacy we have a very good marriage. I can't see tossing 35 years out the window because we rarely are intimate.
I'd love to find something to make the pain of intercourse go away along with something to change her views about other forms of intimacy. Until that time, I just write and focus on the other things between us that make us a couple.
(offering a little humor to you). I have no doubt you have had many conversations with her about this situation, but please don't stop communicating. She needs to understand your feelings and how frustrating this is for you, and perhaps you need to ask her to come up with some ideas/solutions. Good luck to you.
