I'm in a ten year old relationship with a wonderful young woman. My job has taken me to a different town and her job compelled her to stay put when I moved six months ago. Not long ago I met another girl in my current location and we quickly succumbed to one very severe case of mutual infatuation. I've kept it secret from my girlfriend who I never considered leaving during all of this, and she thought she was doing same with her boyfriend too, whom she never considered leaving either. But he's found out and he's calling it quits between the two of them. She's completely wreaked. I feel so guilty and her present state is tearing me up inside. I want to get them back together. How do I go about doing that?
Unfortunately, she broke the trust between her and her boyfriend by being with you and him finding out. It is best for your safety to let it go and not approach her boyfriend on the matter. As she is responsible for her own actions, she is the only one that should attempt to salvage her relationship with her now ex-boyfriend.
Based on what you wrote, it seems to me that you have more than a "severe case of mutual infatuation" with this woman as you seem to genuinely care about her well being more than just the infatuation you experienced. If that is true, you are also in a hard position and will need to do some serious reflection on how to handle it. Either way you go, someone will likely get hurt. It is up to you, but my opinion is that you should come clean with your girlfriend of ten years (my two cents, other's may not share that opinion). Especially since she invested ten years in a relationship with you.
Whay ever route you go, I wish you well.
Agree with what's already been said.
I am afraid my favorite quote is "If they do it with you, then they'll do it to you." Trust should be a sacred thing, especially in a committed relationship.
I've got to agree with Jessie. He already said it perfectly. Her issue with her now-ex is hers alone. He meets you, he'll probably just try to get violent. What you need to do is decide how you want to handle things with your person of 10 years. Give up on that to continue as you've been doing (cheating), or quit the running around and commit.
Because continuing to do what you and your new "friend" have been doing will only wind up repeating this same process when the other party on your end finds out. My advise is basically this: quit running around behind her back and make a choice. Her or whatever else you can get.
Thanks for the responses so far. My go-to inclination is to simply leave things be as well. Although I simply can not bear to see her this way, especially knowing I played a role in it. I suppose our involvement wasn't as casual as I thought. I have deep feelings for her.
And just putting this out there as well, I never slept with her. It was very much an emotional thing with the sporadic making out and cuddling. We spent obscene amounts of time together both on the phone and off it. In retrospect, a purely sexual dalliance enacted sparingly may have been easier to keep under wraps.
Not that it justifies anything, because given enough time I am sure we would have reached the phase of intercourse anyway. And cheating is cheating, whichever from it takes...
In any case the latest news is that her beau has cooled off a bit and is at least allowing her to respond to his accusations. I on my part am making myself scarce and trying to redirect my passions to my girlfriend. It feels odd, I must say. Like trying on some very old clothes after a very long time and not being sure how to make them work with your new sense of fashion. And that's scary. Being in love with her had always been so fluid and natural.
If this is what straying is, then I'll be sure never again to try it. It's a complete mess. Once again thanks for the opinions.
If you were in the US I'd suggest you try buying her a Porsche. That might bring the old boyfriend back... and if not, she'd still have a Porsche. And probably a new boyfriend.
Seriously though, the others are right. It's a broken trust, and only her boyfriend can decide whether he can accept that or not. Good luck though.
Unless you and they are interested in polyandry, I don't have a thing to offer you. Sometimes when you play you pay, but I'm sorry for the stress and grief she and you are experiencing. No matter what, that is the reality, isn't it...:-(
I have three famous stories, 2 recommended reads and have come in the top ten in two competitions~ Come in and make yourself at home.
While I have some sympathy for your emotional distress, may I point out a few observations? First, you left the area of your girlfriend for the job. That doesn't make you a bad man, but realize a long distance relationship is seldom a long enduring one. She stayed where she was for her job...ditto. One might observe that the money was more important than the stability of the relationship. For God's sake, man, you were in a relationship for 10 years and it never occurred to find a priest, minister, or justice of the peace? You and the lovely young lady you became attached to didn't do the nasty, and while that may be a technicality, it is an important one. Her relationship with her boyfriend is just that, HER relationship. He seems the jealous or insecure sort, getting his linen in a twist when she hasn't completely jumped the rails. You have your own fish to fry and it would seem that it's time to fish or cut bait. The other part of your 10 year relationship deserves some resolution, as do you. If you're not moving toward some stable permanent status it seems you're both mutually mind fucking one another.
Forgive my bluntness...I'm an old geezer past the fictions people use to fool themselves and others.
If she cheated on her bf to have sex with you, what makes you think she won't cheat on you somewhere down the road?
It's NOT your problem, stay OUT,
You don't make it right...you didn't make it not right.
Marry her. You deserve each other.
to be a complete "richard" you can't put the genie back in the bottle move on
You drop her as a friend. She needs to consider the consequences of her actions. Plain and simple.
Not your problem. Unless you want to make it your problem. I'd suggest that you don't!
