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Poll Question : Once a cheater, always a cheater?
Choice Votes Statistics
Yes. 23 46 %
No. 8 16 %
Depends on the guy. 19 38 %

Once a cheater, always a cheater? Options · View
Guest
Posted: Tuesday, June 23, 2009 9:19:59 PM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
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Just found out that my boyfriend of four and a half years cheated on me a year ago. I broke up with him but he swears he's changed, and I'm considering giving it another try. What's the male opinion on this?
Rembacher
Posted: Tuesday, June 23, 2009 9:32:34 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 10/16/2008
Posts: 1,107
Each situation is different, but I find it very hard to trust somebody who has strayed in the past. I know a few people who have cheated, and I can think of only one, whom I would trust not to do it again.
Guest
Posted: Tuesday, June 23, 2009 9:39:25 PM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
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All of us make mistakes/are human/learn from the mistakes. You know the guy better than any of us here. I think you should trust your intuition about him.

And welcome back.
Guest
Posted: Tuesday, June 23, 2009 10:12:54 PM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
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thanks guys. and thanks rocco, it's good to be back :)
myles69
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 6:56:25 AM

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Joined: 4/11/2009
Posts: 17
It's a matter of trust ... And he has to earn it!
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 11:27:50 AM

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How did you find out? I think this makes a difference.
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 11:38:19 AM

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I heard it from a friend of the girl he did it with. When I asked him about it, he denied it over and over until I told him some of the details I knew. then he finally broke down and admitted it.

thing is, the girl isn't even attractive. she's really kinda gross, and he's said that himself. it wasn't physical attraction, he thinks it was a mixture of boredom and much deeper issues. he's going to see a psychologist now to see if he can figure out why. the fact that he's willing to pay $150 a visit out of pocket to figure himself out and get me back gives me a little hope. but am I just being naive?
baker992009
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 11:49:36 AM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 2/19/2009
Posts: 66
If it was me.... and a gf cheated on me... then willingly went to councelling for help... I would give her another chance. One question here...Would you be willing to enter councelling with him? It might make all the difference in the world
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 11:52:46 AM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 821,069
ellastar wrote:
but am I just being naive?


I tend to think the following:

1)He's not sorry he did it, he's sorry he got caught.

2)There is lying once, and then there is lying several times again when confronted with the specific action you're accused of.

3)He cheated on you because of 'boredom and deeper issues'....which is Latin for "I had the urge and I showed no loyalty or respect for the person I'm supposedly committed to.

4)I'm sorry to say it, but going to a psychologist to figure out why he cheated is both the easiest money that psychologist ever made, and a (albeit expensive) ploy to show you the kind of commitment that he failed to show in his previous actions.

This seems like a giant red flag to me, Ella. He got busted, he's scrambling around trying to perform damage control, and the entire situation would still be his dirty secret had you not found out on your own. How many other secrets do you suppose he has hidden away...or do you really think this is the only time, because he swears that it is?

I don't know you, so I really don't want to call you naive, but it seems as that's all that's left if, at this point, you take what he says at face value.
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 12:02:24 PM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
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baker, yes, I would be willing to go to therapy with him if he asked me to.

lexy, you make several very very good points. and I'm sure that there is more he hasn't told me. but if he really didn't care for me, I don't understand why he'd be trying so hard to get me back. seems like he should just be relieved it's over and he can do what he wants now.
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 12:11:08 PM

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ellastar wrote:
if he really didn't care for me, I don't understand why he'd be trying so hard to get me back. seems like he should just be relieved it's over and he can do what he wants now.


He's not relieved that it's over, because it's not over. He's smart enough to know that he's not out of the woods yet (since you're not even back together for one, and for another, you're clearly not 'over' it, nor should you be). Thus, the hundred-fifty dollar trips to the shrink (see honey? there's something wrong with me, it's not just me being a lying cheater!) and the over-the-top gestures, both material and verbal, that I'm sure you're being showered with, at least to the degree that you're accepting them. He'll barrage you with kindness to try to make up for his cheating and lies having been exposed.

In my opinion, he's trying so hard to get you back because he doesn't want to lose you- which isn't the same thing as being committed, and stable, and mature; which I'm sure is what you want, need, and deserve from him. He wants his cake and to eat it too. In this case, you're the cake, and his covert actions are his ability to eat as well. He wasn't willing to give up his selfish urges. Is he now? Who knows, but I'd say the odds are stacked against that being the case.

Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 12:27:04 PM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
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thanks lex, I think you're right. the odds are against me.

now how pathetic is it that I'm not sure if I care? I definitely don't want to get back together anytime soon. But I'm still having a hard time letting go of all those plans we had for the future.
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 12:42:25 PM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
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ellastar wrote:
thanks lex, I think you're right. the odds are against me.

now how pathetic is it that I'm not sure if I care? I definitely don't want to get back together anytime soon. But I'm still having a hard time letting go of all those plans we had for the future.


Not anytime soon? How long is soon? Is a week too soon? Two weeks? A month? Is there some mystical page on the calendar that turns him from lying bastard into the man you really want him to be?Why do you think that time will make it better? Will it improve his behaviour, or will it make you less angry and hurt as weeks erase the memory of the pain he caused you? If you don't want to get back together anytime soon, what makes you think that things will be any better once you get to that far-off planned-for future?

You're not in love with him. You're in love with the idea of what you think he could be. He's not that. Deal with it, and decide - either accept him as he is, and be happy with a squire in less-than-shining armour, or accept that you want better than this douchebag and move on. Either way, waiting until it's no longer "anytime soon" will not change anything. It will still be the same as it is right now. It'll just be later in your life.
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 12:46:37 PM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 821,069
ellastar wrote:
I'm still having a hard time letting go of all those plans we had for the future.


I know...(sniff)....that's the tragedy here. All those plans and emotions invested in someone who lets you down so massively.sad10
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 12:53:07 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 821,069
Durrasch wrote:
It will still be the same as it is right now. It'll just be later in your life.


so I guess you don't believe that there's any chance of him changing in the meantime.
Catnip
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 12:55:26 PM

Rank: Internet Sensation

Joined: 3/30/2009
Posts: 3,967
Location: Cloudy dreams., Sweden
EVeryone isn't a fool.
Sure, he might have cheated on you, but is that the worst thing?
Did he change how he was towards you the last year, when you didn't know about it?
Sure, he lied. Why didn't he tell you? It meant nothing? he had no bad feelings about it?
Maybe even forgotten about it himself...
Have you talked about how you wanted your future, have you talked about wether or not you both are living with all hopes of monogamy?
When it comes to sex and lust looks don't have to matter. Maybe he just all of a sudden felt the urge to try something new after 3years.
If he takes a unattractive woman, she might not tell anyone... Oh the mind of men... Most women are attractive in their own way.

IF you're goin to let him back in, leave it behind.
If you can't trust him there is no use in it. Noone should have to live in a relation where the other person don't trust you, because of your former mistakes.

<---probably not helping.

Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 1:00:20 PM

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ellastar wrote:
Durrasch wrote:
It will still be the same as it is right now. It'll just be later in your life.


so I guess you don't believe that there's any chance of him changing in the meantime.

The weather changes. The exchange rate changes. People don't change.

Listen to yourself. If you need for him to change in order for you to be with him, then you don't really want to be with HIM. You only want to be with whomever you feel that you can turn him into, and that's just selfish and arrogant. What right do you really have to ask him to change who he is?
Catnip
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 1:04:07 PM

Rank: Internet Sensation

Joined: 3/30/2009
Posts: 3,967
Location: Cloudy dreams., Sweden
People do change, Durrasch.
Just not without free will.

Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 1:04:24 PM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 821,069
Thanks cat, it does help. Any advice I can get helps. I've never experienced anything like this before (obviously, since I started dating him when I was just 16 and he was my first serious relationship) and I don't know how to handle it at all.

as for him acting differently over the past year... he's been treating me better than ever before. and he always treated me very well. and we have talked about the future, we both want monogomy and a family and all that.
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 1:05:23 PM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
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Catnip wrote:
People do change, Durrasch.
Just not without free will.


I think people evolve, given lots of time. I don't think they change the way that Ella seems to want her wanderer to change
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 1:06:25 PM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
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Durrasch, do you really think it's selfish and arrogant of me to want the exact same guy I dated for four and a half years, except one that won't cheat again?
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 1:06:50 PM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 821,069
Durrasch wrote:
You only want to be with whomever you feel that you can turn him into, and that's just selfish and arrogant. What right do you really have to ask him to change who he is?


I agree with everything but the arrogance charge. It's not arrogance, it's hope, however ill-advised it may be. The larger point, which I agree with, remains: what would cause this change, because normally people don't on their own, even after being busted.

Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 1:09:03 PM

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ellastar wrote:
as for him acting differently over the past year... he's been treating me better than ever before. and he always treated me very well. and we have talked about the future, we both want monogomy and a family and all that.


He was compensating, love. The same way that my wife knows that when I bring her flowers, and it's not our anniversary, it means I fucked somebody else.

And now, reread the last phrase you wrote, and rethink it honestly. Who wants monogamy? Clearly not him. Which doesn't preclude him from wanting to have a happy family with you. The two do not necessarily rely one upon the other.
Catnip
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 1:10:12 PM

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Joined: 3/30/2009
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Location: Cloudy dreams., Sweden
Hm, then it's already in the past...
IF it was that one side step.
If he didn't do it again nor wanted to do it again, maybe he realised that it wasn't his thing.
I don't understand why he should go in therapy now, for something that happened so long ago...
Or did I miss out on something crucial...

Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 1:10:58 PM

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And Durrasch, your wife is still happy with you, even though she knows you cheat?
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 1:11:08 PM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
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ellastar wrote:
Durrasch, do you really think it's selfish and arrogant of me to want the exact same guy I dated for four and a half years, except one that won't cheat again?


No. It's not selfish for you to want that. It's selfish for you to think you can have that guy, if that's not who he is. It's selfish (I'll concede Lexy's point on the arrogance) to want to change him for your own happiness. It's thinking of you, not of him... and that is selfish.
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 1:13:06 PM

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Catnip wrote:

I don't understand why he should go in therapy now, for something that happened so long ago...
Or did I miss out on something crucial...

He says he always wanted to understand why he did that and never could. He wasn't going to go to therapy while we were still together because he would have had to tell me why, which he never planned on doing.
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 1:13:46 PM

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ellastar wrote:
Durrasch, do you really think it's selfish and arrogant of me to want the exact same guy I dated for four and a half years, except one that won't cheat again?


Is his (only known) episode of cheating within that four and a half years, or is that the amount of time prior to the act? My point being, he may not be the guy you wanted all along, as in restrospect you find out this secret that runs counter to the way he treated you personally.
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 1:13:53 PM

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ellastar wrote:
And Durrasch, your wife is still happy with you, even though she knows you cheat?


It's not cheating, if it's not done behind someone's back, now, is it? I don't try to hide what I do, and she sets restrictions that I happily follow. I fuck whom I want, provided that doing so will not make her look bad (ie. someone who works for her, one of the kids' teachers, stuff like that). I use protection. I tell her. She has the same liberties. It works for us. We are both very happy.
Catnip
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 1:14:21 PM

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Location: Cloudy dreams., Sweden
Now tell him to waste that money on some great sextoys for you instead.
Would help him understand why he never did it again.

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