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Poll Question : Once a cheater, always a cheater?
Choice Votes Statistics
Yes. 23 46 %
No. 8 16 %
Depends on the guy. 19 38 %

Once a cheater, always a cheater? Options · View
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 1:15:18 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 816,356
Durrasch wrote:
It's thinking of you, not of him... and that is selfish.


Well, he thinks the only way he'll ever be happy is to be with me. He says he never wants to cheat again. So I don't know how to be unselfish. If I don't take him back, that won't make him happy either.
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 1:20:04 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 816,356
ellastar wrote:
Durrasch wrote:
It's thinking of you, not of him... and that is selfish.


Well, he thinks the only way he'll ever be happy is to be with me. He says he never wants to cheat again. So I don't know how to be unselfish. If I don't take him back, that won't make him happy either.


Lots of people say lots of things. Words are worthless without action to back them up. His action was to jump on an ugly chick... it doesn't exactly scream "all I want is you." It kinda screams "all I want is you to not know about this cause that won't be convenient at all."

If you must take him back, then take HIM back. Forget idealising him. Forget making him the man you want to go to sleep and dream about, and accept him as the man you want to wake up and live beside.

Fucking someone else doesn't make him a bad person. Lying about it makes him a jerk, sure, but he lied because he thought he had to. Are you upset cause he fucked the skanky chick, or because he lied about it?
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 1:23:56 PM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 816,356
Lexy, the act was within the four and a half years, so you're right, that last year when things were so perfect might not have happened if he hadn't cheated.

Durrasch, that's great that you and your wife are happy that way. But don't you think that just because you enjoy the freedom of having sex with anyone you want, it doesn't mean that all guys who stray once necessarily want to make it a lifestyle? It's not even slightly possible that he messed up once and really doesn't want to do it again?
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 1:26:59 PM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 816,356
Just to clarify, he didn't fuck her. Her story and his was that he "fingered her and she went down on him for a few seconds before he sent her home." But that's definitely still cheating to me.

And durrasch, I'm definitely more upset about the lying.
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 1:28:18 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 816,356
ellastar wrote:
It's not even slightly possible that he messed up once and really doesn't want to do it again?



Not to put too fine a point on it, but even there, we're making a gigantic (and tremendously optimistic) assumption that it was truly only one time. Furthermore, what else has he hidden that may or may not even be sexual?

As for the possibility that he messed up and doesn't want to do it again? What makes this psychologist thing so dubious is the inference that it's somehow due to a disorder not his own wants. Did he change for the better? That seems to be the question, and unfortunately, in order to not be naive, he's guilty until proven otherwise on that count....at least as far as I'd be concerned.
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 1:30:44 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 816,356
I believe that his straying once demonstrates the way he makes decisions and exercises judgment, which is the real issue, more than how many people he has fucked and how often and how nasty or hot they might have been.

Sure it's slightly possible. But there are a couple of things with that: A) the possibility is very slight, and you generally won't get very far in life by playing on long odds; and 2) You will always, no matter what, remember that he did it once, and you will always wonder, no matter if you are together for a hundred years (unless you get senile, then all bets are off) whether he has done it again.

I ask again: Are you upset by the fucking around or by the lying about it? They are two different issues, really.

EDIT: Sorry.. posted this before your last comment appeared, Ella :)
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 1:32:19 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 816,356
lexylove wrote:
Did he change for the better? That seems to be the question, and unfortunately, in order to not be naive, he's guilty until proven otherwise on that count....at least as far as I'd be concerned.

So how can he prove otherwise?
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 1:35:45 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 816,356
ellastar wrote:
Just to clarify, he didn't fuck her. Her story and his was that he "fingered her and she went down on him for a few seconds before he sent her home." But that's definitely still cheating to me.

And durrasch, I'm definitely more upset about the lying.


Jesus, sometimes I hate what Bill Clinton did to the world :)

If the lying is the real issue, then ask yourself if you can deal with letting him stray for the sake of his cock, as long as he comes home for the sake of his heart. If so, then maybe you and he should have a talk about what kind of a relationship you want to have.
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 1:36:31 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 816,356
I don't think he can, really...and there is the rub. You would know if you saw some sort of sea-change in him recently. But unless there is something you haven't mentioned, the only behavior-changing events have been: him being super-nice to you ever since roughly the time of the cheating, and him scrambing to do damage control since being confronted about his actions.

As Durrasch said better than I could, I think holding out hope that he will fundamentally change are long odds indeed, and might be serving only your fading hopes, not your best interests and future.
Catnip
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 1:42:52 PM

Rank: Internet Sensation

Joined: 3/30/2009
Posts: 3,967
Location: Cloudy dreams., Sweden
I trust in your guy...
I'm blinded by trust in everyone though...
So the others might be right.

Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 1:50:25 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 816,356
So you guys (lexy and durrasch) think my options are:
1.) forget about him and move on, or
2.) take him back and just accept that he's probably going to do whatever he wants.

Durrasch, I would be willing to have that kind of relationship where we're free to do what we want as long as we're honest with one another. Not that I'm really interested in wandering anyway. I just asked him about it. His answer: "No, I don't want to do anything with anyone else."
"But that's because you don't want to hurt me again, what if it didn't hurt me as long as you were up-front about it?"
"No. I want it to be you and me. And that's it."
WickedShads
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 1:57:25 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 2/26/2009
Posts: 1,195
Location: Pennsylvania, United States
Biggest question in my mind would always be....how long until he gets bored enough to do it again?

"I can resist everything except temptation." - Oscar Wilde
LushPrincess
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 2:09:09 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 7/17/2008
Posts: 1,177
Location: AZ
Good question Wicked, I think everyone gave you good advice Ella… but in the end only you can make the decision. I think you know deep down what you really want to do but you’re just not ready to move on just yet… You will be though, let’s just hope it’s not too late…!
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 2:13:13 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 816,356
ellastar wrote:
So you guys (lexy and durrasch) think my options are:
1.) forget about him and move on, or
2.) take him back and just accept that he's probably going to do whatever he wants.

Durrasch, I would be willing to have that kind of relationship where we're free to do what we want as long as we're honest with one another. Not that I'm really interested in wandering anyway. I just asked him about it. His answer: "No, I don't want to do anything with anyone else."
"But that's because you don't want to hurt me again, what if it didn't hurt me as long as you were up-front about it?"
"No. I want it to be you and me. And that's it."


I think you need to make sure he understands that it's the lying and not the ugly-diddling that has you upset. That's much easier to fix. People lie because they feel like they have something to hide. If he understands that he doesn't need to hide it, and he believes you, then it may help.
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 2:15:53 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 816,356
I didn't really finish that last thought. It's also not about accepting that he will probably do what he wants. It's about accepting him for who he is, and being happy that he loves you and you love him, and you can be happy together. He may never stray again, but he may. It's no more important than whether he decides that he's never eating broccoli again.
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 2:16:18 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 816,356
thanks for your opinions, everyone.

and mara... too late for what? lol
Lisa
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 2:48:49 PM

Rank: Moderator

Joined: 3/3/2009
Posts: 5,168
Location: Victoria, Australia
Whether he cheats again or not, he'll always be a cheater to you. The fact that he didn't choose to tell you himself at the time it happened makes all the difference. You could have dealt with it then, but you had to find out from someone else a year later. That would probably hurt me more than the actual cheating.

If you take him back, it'd be wise to work out the terms of the relationship beforehand and make it very clear how you feel about lies.

Good luck with it all, Ella.
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 2:53:49 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 816,356
Thank you, Lisa. :)
LushPrincess
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 3:02:32 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 7/17/2008
Posts: 1,177
Location: AZ
“Too Late”

I mean weeks, months, or years down the road. When you realize that he wasn’t worth it and you just lost a large amount of time by his side. I could be wrong though, I don’t know you or him, I just know that trust is everything and you no longer trust him.
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 3:04:54 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 816,356
oh, I see. sad thing is, deep down, I want to be with him anyway.
LushPrincess
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 3:11:39 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 7/17/2008
Posts: 1,177
Location: AZ
Of course you do, you just don't fall out of love.. Give it time though.. and hang with your girls, go out, meet new people, time heals all wounds..!
Zafia
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 3:29:31 PM

Rank: Lush Legend

Joined: 4/13/2008
Posts: 5,209
Location: Shoe Heaven
ellastar wrote:
Just found out that my boyfriend of four and a half years cheated on me a year ago. I broke up with him but he swears he's changed, and I'm considering giving it another try. What's the male opinion on this?


Hey Ella welcome back....hello2

I'm so sorry that you are going through this hard time.

I guess the only thing I can add is that always be true to your feelings.....in your gut you already know what you want to do. You know him better then anyone so trust your first instinct and go with it.

Hope things work out.

"Love all, trust a few, and do wrong to none."





Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 7:20:36 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 816,356
Thanks Zaf :). And thanks for the welcome back!
wyocowboy
Posted: Thursday, June 25, 2009 2:17:30 AM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 4/1/2009
Posts: 62
Location: wyoming, United States
i read a few of the post and ill add my 2 cents even if its already been said. He cheated then lied about it. In a good rationship u need trust and love if u love him but dont trust him he'll more than likely break your heart. but its your decision choose wisely for yourself to hell with him.

save a horse ride a cowboy
ArconathResonath
Posted: Thursday, June 25, 2009 6:54:46 PM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 5/11/2009
Posts: 83
All in my humble opinion... and my twisted mind.

It's about the world you choose to live in.

If the world you live is the one where one guy and girl meets, and they fall in love in the holiest way, never even landing an eye on others... If you believe love should be like it is in the old stories, which never tell more then the part which all difficulties are defeated and they "lived happily ever after"... If you think and trust that, you yourself too will never get bored of him no matter what happens, and you can keep fucking him for the next 30 years straight.... If you think that men should be perfect, without mistakes, and never wanting anything else then you... and you think you are such a person that you deserve to live in such a world with such a man... Then do not forgive him. Keep seeking for the perfect guy. One advice: don't give up searching after all the years. Instead of giving it up when it becomes too late, live with the dignity of being a true believer of love. I might seem to be critisizing (I dont know if such a word exists) this option too much, but in fact it is the one I chose. Not because of the love itself, but because I have a never ending, totally hopeless war with the motivations of the new era, which keep destroying all the human aspects like "honor" , "trust" , "modesty" , "the good fight" etc etc... the love is in the list too.. So ... the enemy of my friends is my enemy... or kinda like that.

Or...

If you live in the world where people live like they do in the lush stories in this site, free to do everything they wish to do, as long as they keep up with some rules, like telling the truth (which does not always mean honesty) in the right time. If you believe that sudden urges and basic instincts and chromosomes and pheromones have the right to overcome mental will at some points during life, and this can be understood and accepted... If you think that you also want to live "free" like that but you just don't do it because of what people around you might think of you... If you think that "the harmony between him and you" (or to be more precise: his hormones, flesh and genetical material is in harmony with your's) means much more than his trials to satisfy some animalistic feelings... If you believe love is, two people which chose to stay together no matter what else happens, no matter which mistakes the other one does... If you believe no one can be perfect, and everyone, including you might do such mistakes (including the cheating part and the lying part)... and If you belive, you will not feel bad, or make him feel bad when you two try to have sex again, then forgive him. As a part of this "forgiving ritual" you can act coquettish, you can sulk, you can ask for nearly impossible things for you to forgive him, rising the bar carefully to the point he is about to give up, and then forgive him when he least expects it... creating a kind of seal that he will follow you pheromone trail for years.

Oh well... sometimes you have to chose one of the two bad options. This is one of such situations, maybe. No matter what you chose to do, just do not feel regret. Ever. Regret rots you inside. Regret takes away all the values, all the good parts in your past memories with the source of regret. If you regret not forgiving him, you will not remember the happy moments of your relationship ever with the same vividness, and all the time will be spent for nothing. Only an ash storm will remain, choking you whenever you think about it. I know it. The most important part is not the decision at this point. It is the part of not regretting.
Guest
Posted: Friday, June 26, 2009 1:51:51 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 816,356
Wow, thank you Arconath, for the very complete response. You make a lot of good points. But I will do my best not to regret whatever happens.
ArconathResonath
Posted: Friday, June 26, 2009 2:09:26 AM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 5/11/2009
Posts: 83
I hope It resolves out fine for you. You are welcome.
Catnip
Posted: Friday, June 26, 2009 4:13:16 AM

Rank: Internet Sensation

Joined: 3/30/2009
Posts: 3,967
Location: Cloudy dreams., Sweden
AYe, he's always got a lot to say, our sweet little dolphine. :D

biglen13
Posted: Saturday, June 27, 2009 10:44:36 AM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 1/22/2009
Posts: 11
Location: Florida
I did cheat within a year of my marriage..It was nothing special, but the thought that the grass on the other side is better..

Once someone gets forbidden fruit...You still want it...Until I talked to my wife one night and said you know I had sex before we were married...wouldn't you want to see what it feels like to have another cock in you...She thought that I might not be happy with our sex life, but that wasn't the case.

Even though I strayed I still had the best sex with my wife...She thought about it and a couple of days later said yes she did want to try it...

I was happy and found out that I was horny over it....It happened withing 3 weeks...and after she came home and told me the details...We had the hottest sex in quite awhile...and thats how we got into swinging..

Len

You Only Live Once Go For it All
DBarclay
Posted: Saturday, June 27, 2009 3:13:22 PM

Rank: Mr Nobody

Joined: 2/28/2008
Posts: 948
Location: Florida, United States
He had a quick shag with some old slapper who made it available ...
FFS 80% of men would do the same ....it meant nothing ..just unloading...
it happens ..he did not kill anybody...just did want his body instincts told hiim to do

All men have done it or thought about it ...
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