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someone to proofread my bdsm fantasy story?

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kalandrie
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first im sorry but i dont really know where to ask to bdsm people. which are maybe better to ask because you are more likely to enjoy my story and want to help me with it.

second hello all smile i finished writing my fictional story about bdsm lifestyle in a fantasy world were men dominent and girls are happy obedient toys. please tell me where i can ask and find people for proofread if this is not the right place for this question. my english is not good enough for submitting. maybe someone here wants to do that. the story is around 7.800 words. i already asked in chat and send it to some people but didnt got much response with corrections.

this is the start of it, bit proofread so far.


The sun was shining on Naidja’s half naked body and heated her nicely. She was wearing a short white tunic made out of sheer fabric, that barely covered her butt and supported her tits to be pushed up and squeezed out, cut deep enough that her round tits are visible all the time. Her legs were covered in nice thigh high leather boots.
The 22 year old girl was holding a small bag with her other clothes and belongings. Like the other girls, she was standing in a line on the deck of the ship, with which they had crossed the ocean. More than a week all the girls were property of the crew. Happily obeying every wish of the men and please them with their tight bodies. Girls were allowed to travel like everyone else. To make the travel not so boring for the girls, men were taking care that the sluts could enjoy serving them and being touched all over their bodies all the time.
During the day Naidja was helping out the cook with preparing the food and being an obedient little toy for his lust. They have had fun when she was ordered to chop vegetables and the cook was just smiling down at her. He enjoyed seeing his cum flowing down her forehead, cheeks and chin, after he shot his load all over her face. She felt so good and proud after he cummed on her face and marked her as a cute cum whore.
During the night she slept with one of the sailors. Like the others girls, she was used by him as his personal mattress. Every night she was lying naked on her back with spread legs, so he can have his way with her. The man was groaning and pounding, until he was satisfied by shooting his sperm into her tight cunt and falling asleep on her. Some mornings she would even wake up in the morning by his motion and noises. In these moments she started to help him with a happy smile by moaning playfully and seemingly enjoying her place under him.

i hope somebody can help me
Guest
Lurker
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Quote by kalandrie
first im sorry but i dont really know where to ask to bdsm people. which are maybe better to ask because you are more likely to enjoy my story and want to help me with it.

second hello all smile i finished writing my fictional story about bdsm lifestyle in a fantasy world were men dominent and girls are happy obedient toys. please tell me where i can ask and find people for proofread if this is not the right place for this question. my english is not good enough for submitting. maybe someone here wants to do that. the story is around 7.800 words. i already asked in chat and send it to some people but didnt got much response with corrections.

this is the start of it, bit proofread so far.


The sun was shining on Naidja’s half naked body and heated her nicely. She was wearing a short white tunic made out of sheer fabric, that barely covered her butt and supported her tits to be pushed up and squeezed out, cut deep enough that her round tits are visible all the time. Her legs were covered in nice thigh high leather boots.
The 22 year old girl was holding a small bag with her other clothes and belongings. Like the other girls, she was standing in a line on the deck of the ship, with which they had crossed the ocean. More than a week all the girls were property of the crew. Happily obeying every wish of the men and please them with their tight bodies. Girls were allowed to travel like everyone else. To make the travel not so boring for the girls, men were taking care that the sluts could enjoy serving them and being touched all over their bodies all the time.
During the day Naidja was helping out the cook with preparing the food and being an obedient little toy for his lust. They have had fun when she was ordered to chop vegetables and the cook was just smiling down at her. He enjoyed seeing his cum flowing down her forehead, cheeks and chin, after he shot his load all over her face. She felt so good and proud after he cummed on her face and marked her as a cute cum whore.
During the night she slept with one of the sailors. Like the others girls, she was used by him as his personal mattress. Every night she was lying naked on her back with spread legs, so he can have his way with her. The man was groaning and pounding, until he was satisfied by shooting his sperm into her tight cunt and falling asleep on her. Some mornings she would even wake up in the morning by his motion and noises. In these moments she started to help him with a happy smile by moaning playfully and seemingly enjoying her place under him.

i hope somebody can help me

It's nice start, but I think you're hurrying it up a bit. Take it slow, and take your time to describe the character, and the environment. Make the readers explore their past. and such. A good story makes the readers build/develop a bond with them. Also, one slight mistake, if you call it that: After he 'came' on her face (and not 'cummed') . Good luck.
kalandrie
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by thekingshayn

It's nice start, but I think you're hurrying it up a bit. Take it slow, and take your time to describe the character, and the environment. Make the readers explore their past. and such. A good story makes the readers build/develop a bond with them. Also, one slight mistake, if you call it that: After he 'came' on her face (and not 'cummed') . Good luck.

Thank you, thats why i asked for help. my english is not so good and yes "came" is better.

And the rest...i dont write literature like harry potter. its just a phantasie, a sexdream if you like. there is no past or much detail, because it would slow down the pace of the bdsm imagination. that would be like watching porn because of the plot. its all aboutwhat the characters do and what they think and feel. like when you start doing it yourself and think about stuff that turns you on, you dont think about the past of the other girl you meet. you just think about her clothes and how she looks and how you have sex with her.

the start has a bit past on it. where Naidja is coming from and what she did in the past days. and then it goes straight to the current bdsm lifestyle. which is where the story unfolds and plot or whatever you want to call it happens. And there are a bit more parts about it further in this story. like when it is nessecary to explain her position of a healslut in the new city. though the actual description of healslut that she has little bit magic power is not that much in it. but its a sexdream and maybe there will be place for healslut description in later stories.
sprite
Her Royal Spriteness
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Quote by kalandrie
My story is published. biggrin Finally. :D And you can read it in the whole glory https:// www. lushstories.com/stories/bdsm/world-of-pagoia-naidjas-journey.aspx/ But if you like to read more of this world, i really need someone to proofread my english.


congrats. we're usually not this slow, but Dec has been a brutal month.

You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.

kalandrie
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Quote by sprite


congrats. we're usually not this slow, but Dec has been a brutal month.

thank you but it was also my bad english. an admin was editing it heavily to help me which took lots of time i guess. and told me i need somone for proofreading for further stories.
WarWiz
Rookie Scribe
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Hey sexy story hottie, I sent you a long Lush message but it rejected, "only Premium members can send a non-paid member a Lush message", sigh! My Lush membership expired too! My long letter asked you if your next story was ready, & why did you need to wait on another person, why couldn't you just send me what you have on your second story? I love the way you express your words, they melt a guy & make the fantasy so sexy that wanting to be the world you created is such an arousing 'turn-on', ummmm fuuuuck!!! Do you need any help with story number two?
Oh, Happy Valentine's Day!!! That was February 14th!! Why don't you send me a time when you go in a Lush chat room, then we can whisper in the Lush lounge? For example: on Friday at 11:30pm which is February 17th at 3:30pm NorCal time? If you have better choice, post it here!?
kalandrie
Active Ink Slinger
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Oh, im sorry, didnt saw it. sad i will try to be here at Thursday and maybe Friday too at 8pm evening and 6am morning. Both cet time. Im not good with timezones. :/

I dont know when the next story will be ready, my motivation is a bit low to write right now. I dont know. I needed someone for proofreading, and back in february someone for quick because my account was about to expire soon then. But in the end i havent had the time and motivation to finish the second story so its still in the working. When im done i will try to correct it the best i can by myself and try to send it in. Maybe it works...
WarWiz
Rookie Scribe
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Oh no, I stopped looking at Lush after my suggested date to meet past by last month in February 2017, grrrr! No worries, don't rush it, your story will be much better if you pace yourself & find your interest again!! Hmmm, today is March 7, 2017, it is near 3am so Frankfurt is nearing noon (or 11am), so I will try to be in the Lush Lounge chat room on Friday, March 10, 2017 about 8pm (noon in NorCal) or Thursday morning Wednesday, March 9th which is midnight in NorCal! If you send me any part of the story, I would be happy to advise you on suggested options to modify your text, just like last time with Naidja!! There was not too much corrections needed, you are very close to translations without much help!! Hope to hear from you soon!
kalandrie
Active Ink Slinger
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Im a bit lazy too and still working on the second story so far.... :/ Though still no idea how to publish it, maybe here somehow or link to another site like this...