Hello to all the ladies. I have a question for women & BDSM. But first, I have a story to tell about myself. I am a shy PC gamer nerd guy who's been in love with this woman for 13 long years, and I have virtually almost no experience sexually with women. I've been a hermit for 15 years just playing games. I'm such a shy guy, I don't hit on women, and even if I know they like me, I don't make the first move, and instead I will wait for said woman to tell me they like me or want me. This is going to sound like a love-struck fool story, but I just don't care anymore. I'm not looking for anyone's pity, and this story isn't trying to be a pity-me/pity-party story. And lastly, please don't tell me "I need help" or "see a professional". Talking about my feelings to a psychiatrist or a psychologist does nothing for me, I've already tried. I know what my problems are, and I've accepted them when I hit 25 because they're not going to go away in a few years; I'm stuck with this crap.
I am 33, and 13 years ago (just as I was about to hit 21 or just turned 21), I met a younger woman who is a Pieces. I met her in a chatroom, and she started talking to me first. I started to like her as a friend, and then a few days later, she showed me a few pics of her face, and I have to admit I still, to this day, have never met another woman who has such a beautiful smile as this younger lady even to this day. At first I fell in love with her great smile (she didn't have a cam, but I did), and her beautiful face, but soon a few months later I started falling for her incredibly hard. We dated online a few years (maybe 5 at the most), and every day we talked on MSNmessenger, she would ask me to turn on my cam every time. She was also the only one to do this every day, for 5 years. Every year, she was getting older, and was turning even more beautiful, and her smile was even better. She had a smile just for me, and me alone. Even though I fell in love with this girl, I was possessive (I'm a Taurus) of her, to a point. At some point, she wanted to try dating other men while we had our online relationship (which is normal if you don't meet each other). I was all for it, until I realized that if I did, she wouldn't come back to me. So I got jealous & angry every time she did this, and I would apologize for my stupid behavior afterword. The first guy she tried getting with, she told me "they did everything but sex", at first I was ok with it, but then for some reason jealousy reared its ugly head & I demanded she stop seeing him, but I was being an Ahole about it, and I made her cry the first time. Back then I had really bad jealousy issues, and I don't really have much experience with sexual encounters even today. I apologized for it, and she forgave me for it. Eventually when I hit 26, she ended our relationship because it was only an online one. The reason why we didnt meet is because my father would abuse me mentally and call me worthless for 30 years, and I felt that I wasn't worth anything (and I'm still trying to deal with this). I never got a job because I was always angry & depressed (though I hid my anger around others unless they really pissed me off, which was rare) for most of my life, and this woman was the only one who made me truly happy, and I fucked it up because I didn't have any ambition to get the money to go to her in Florida where she lived. For 15 years, about the only thing I really did was play PC games, and it was the only thing that I was interested in. Everything else I tried to do ended up quickly became boring, and I lost interest & I would drop it. Jobs included, all the while my father would just call me worthless.
After she ended the relationship (it was on good terms), I realized how much I messed up by not going to her. When she hit 21, she went to college & started her major in Psychology or Psychiatry, and her first or second year into it, we were still friends (and I'm still madly in love with this girl at the time). One day, I was talking to her on MSN (we didnt get to talk everyday, but still would ask to see me on my cam), and she had her cam on. She was totally starkers underneath the blankets on the bed, lying half on her stomach and her legs lying on top of each other outside of the blanket, and the whole time I couldn't keep my eyes off of her legs. It was such a huge turn on how gorgeous she truly is. However, during the time between our break-up, and the next 5-7 years between that, we would continue to stay friends (even though I was still longing for her secretly while we talked), I was too afraid to ask her how she felt about me still, but the whole time I was praying she still did. I would like to think she still does, but with my recent rejection from another woman a few days ago, I have been extremely depressed. When I am with other people (I prefer people who make me laugh a lot), they make me laugh & be happy, but in reality, I am just hiding my terrible grief of my recent rejection of a woman I fell for really hard, and when I am by myself, I can't help but hold myself back from crying in bed & let some of my tears go. I am a very touchy feely person on the inside, and a big softy. I love intimate moments (kissing, hugging, cuddling, etc) when I'm with a girl I really like (as few as I've had experience with, which is only 3 at the most). Even after all these years later, every time I look at a lady, I can't help but compare them to the girl I still long for. I can't help but see only her beautiful smile, and her lovely face. To me, she's the most lovely woman I've ever met, and I can't help but think selfish thoughts that I hope she isn't seeing someone else & she still has her heart on me, and I can't help but wonder if she still remembers me. I know that she fell in love with me, because most times, I made her smile & laugh all the time, even though I was a jealous bastard & made her cry a couple times.
A few years ago, I finally made my own Facebook account, and some months later, I try to add her, but she either didn't get the invite, or she chose to ignore it, and I don't know what happened, but for whatever reason, I felt rejection from it, and I didn't try again (stupid of me, I know). During the time I made the account while I was 28, someone hacked into my Hotmail account, and stole it, and I was never able to get it back. As that happened, I didn't talk to her the last 4 years, and I would sometimes check her FB account just to see what she was up to, but never had the courage to try & talk to her again. Now I can't find her FB account (I think she deleted it), and the only way I found her was because I used Google Images to try & find her name. Low & behold, Google found her Youtube account (which I didn't know she had). It also found other accounts of her on Instagram & Pinterest. I messaged her on Youtube a couple days ago, but I don't know how often she checks her Pinterest or Youtube messages, so I might be waiting a while.
At age 30, I figured I finally got over the first girl, but I was only fooling myself in the end. Even though I am looking for a roleplay partner on here, I know I will never really get over the girl. As I said, I have selfish thoughts that I hope she isn't seeing anyone, and if or when I find out she isn't, I am going to promise myself that I will not let her slip through my fingers a second time. However, I am overcome with feelings that she won't want me that way because she's fallen in love with someone else (which also might be the case). If she isn't with someone, I am certainly going to try & get a second chance with her. The only thing is, is if she's with someone else & loves him more than she did me and they don't break up...I don't know what I'm going to do anymore. No one else is going to compare to this woman's smile or her beautiful face. Anyway, moving on...
As for my question & BDSM for women who are into it. I was browsing this site earlier today, looking for women who were either an Aries, Virgo or a Pieces, and I have noticed that most (most, but not all) Pieces women here were heavily into BDSM, and I know everyone is different. I know it's not an absolute with all Pisces or Aquarius. When I was growing up, my mother was a total bitch that instead of taking care of her kids, she would rather be someone's sex toy behind my father's back and would be gone 60% of my childhood until I hit 14 off boning other men instead of taking care of us. I grew up without a real mother, and I've only felt depression & humiliation growing up. My mother hated being around little kids because "they made too much noise" as toddlers & babies, instead, she'd rather just be someone's sex-toy. When I was 13, she started getting heavily into BDSM (being chained up & whipped), but when I found out about this, I have to admit that the only thing I felt (and still feel) about it is disgust & humiliation that my mother was into this...thing. I only felt those 2 emotions because everyone around me in school all seemed to have great parents, and it felt like I was the only kid in school who felt like my mother was the only one into it, and it felt humiliating. She'd rather go get whipped than take care of her own kids until I was 14, but even then she'd go off on weekends with her new boyfriend to go get into the BDSM (she's also an Aquarius). I know it isn't right to judge people that are into this kind of thing, but for me, I just can't help but do it, so I do my best not to say anything about it to people that are...how should we say..."sensitive" to this issue, I generally keep my opinion about it to myself.
So finally, here's my question(s) to you women who are into BDSM (whatever zodiac sign you are), is it mostly the water signs that are into this, and if so, how many of these women with water signs are actually into BDSM, and how far (especially Pisces) will you go into it? If you are into the part where you love to feel pain (however much or little) while having sex, will you break up with a guy like me who's not into causing you pain during sex? How much does it get you off compared to without feeling pain? I will admit that I am willing to get into a bit of bondage (and I wouldn't mind being tied up & blindfolded in return). I don't mind if she wanted me to spank her ass while I took a woman from behind, or to pull her hair a bit, or to maybe just get a little rough, but causing pain to a woman just isn't me. I don't like being in pain myself (but have not experienced it during sex), and I don't even know if it'd be a turn on or a turn off for me to have a little pain during sex. While I was dating her, she mentioned she didn't mind trying new things, or didn't mind the sex being a little rough, but I don't know how far she would be willing to take it. And since I'm being honest to myself, if I were to date this girl, and she did really like the BDSM thing, I feel like I'd be the Sub because I'm such a passive person in personality, that and I'm pretty shy when I meet new girls, and women are intimidating to me in some way, but the intimidation part is a turn on for me.
I know this has been a long story, but again, I'm not asking for pity. I'm just basically depressed, and I am asking for help on what I should do. I feel as if I've hit rock bottom emotionally, and I am pretty much reaching out to total strangers because I just don't know what else I can do. I just don't know if I can keep on going without this woman in my life anymore. I want her so damn badly, and it's not because I'm looking for a rebound girl from being devastated. I'm looking for a life-long partner I can spend the rest of my life with, and for some reason, I feel that she's the only one who can make me happy again. When I finally get to talk to her, I plan on telling her how much she means to me, no matter if she's with someone else or not, and if she doesn't want me that way, and doesn't love me that way (which is a possibility I will have to face), then I will have to cross that bridge when it comes, and I will have to face the fact that I royally fucked up any chance I had with her, and will only be on the sidelines watching her be happy while I'm being miserable knowing that fact, and will always be longing for her the whole time. Even though I fell in love with the new girl, and had a great time with her, she just wasn't the same, and I knew it. I never did tell her about the other girl, simply because at the time I felt I was over the first one. But after the new girl broke my heart, I realized I didn't even get over the first one like I thought I did. Anyway...that's my story, thank you to anyone who took the time to read this, and answer my questions. I know I sound like a love-struck fool, but I no longer care how I sound about it because I've hit rock bottom emotionally, and I just feel desperate, and I am reaching out. I am a Taurus, and I generally hate being this open & vulnerable because I put such a huge steel shield around myself, that I don't like to get close to people (women in general) because I have such a fear of being rejected from someone I might fall for.
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