Mike, as you already know, i adore that story. UN DOS. It's even in my favourites list.
When i was reading it, i had one small qualm. His wife was not fleshed out enough. She seemed vaguely bitchy and i could not understand why he'd married her. Of coursr, i feltyou might have made her this way on purpose; as Malena is the heroine slash protagonist but it irked me a little. It seemed almost too convenient. I would have preferred if maybe he'd fallen for gher first and then they grew apart. She just seemed very cold.
Idk if that's the kinda criticism you were. after but it's all i got, fam. Was a brilliant story.
Excuse the typos... phone!
no, that's exactly the kind of thing I was hoping for. I think you're right. I thought of the wife more of as a plot device, now that I think about it, than a fully fleshed out person. I saw Marco marrying her more out of inertia and "it's time" than because of any deep connection, but they certainly would have been in love. I needed her to be unsympathetic also, for all kinds of reasons.
I'm mostly putting in my two cents here because I like the idea of pushing for more constructive criticism on this site. My profile page has been asking for that since about the time I published my first attempt at a story, with no takers so far. Meaning that everyone's too nice, people have been too busy or that my stories are perfect. I doubt that it's the last of these...
Being still a bit of a newbie, I've not offered anyone else constructive criticism either. And this story is, imho, one of the best I've read here, better than many other stories that I've given 5s (ah, grade inflation...) and better than my own stories.
*Spoiler alert* (Seriously, people, read his story, before my ramblings...or just instead of my ramblings...)
But, for mine, the weakest link was probably the ending. I can accept that a sad ending fits (even though I'm a bit of a sucker for happy endings), but it seemed quite abrupt to me at the end of a fairly slow paced story. Okay, so real life doesn't always have happy endings and people with commitments stay stuck in different cities. But what about when his kids are grown, or her parents pass away? Couldn't we have them battling arthritis to dance the tango again? Couldn't you make it fit a 'Senior Sex' category (no, I'm not suggesting we need one on Lush...)?
I don't really know how to end it better - that was just the weakest link amongst some seriously strong links for this reader...
Thank you Phil! And this sort of thing is exactly what I'm hoping for!
Certainly I appreciate the praise for the parts that worked well, but having things pointed out to me that aren't as strong is most helpful.
Hannah's "the wife was too one-dimensional" was something i hadn't really considered. But once she pointed it out it was painfully obvious that she's just a plot device.
Your pointing out that the ending was abrupt is something I *had* been aware of (after the fact) but I can't really figure out how to fix it. I also know that I have a tendency to just end stories in similar abrupt ways. I did (and do) want this story to end sadly, but the ending could have been a bit more fleshed out. Maybe I can then the last sentence into a fuller paragraph.
This is exactly what I'd hope for! Thank you! Keep 'em coming!
and i need to make one of these threads. the only problem wiv lush is that peoples be way too nice!
Oceanrunner, you pose an interesting question / observation. There are two challenges to real feedback. One, format. The comment portion is not really a good place for honest and constructive feedback. It is too short, public, and online which promotes abbrieviated comments. Second, real criticism takes real time and careful phrasing. Most people will not put in that sort of work. Any real constructive criticism I offer, I do in a PM. It often goes to a back and forth constructive discussion about how something might or might not be done differently. I have enjoyed my conversations with authors here. I am not an Author on Lush (yet). I do participate in songwriting and other writing forums where criticism is encouraged.
Al that said, I will read your story and offer my criticism in a PM.
I like some good, constructive feedback, too and, as oceanrunner says, Rump is pretty good at it. Still, I'll take cheerleading over trolling or people who just drop a score without a comment (though I don't want to turn on the mandatory comments because that will likely just generate a bunch of "Hey, nice story" type comments).
To R and Seeker,
I agree -- I certainly enjoy some nice cheerleading over an unhelpful "didn't like it."
However, I think that there is a middle ground between the type of deep, real, criticism that may require a lot of time and some exchanges of PMs, and the kind of thing that could be said quickly in a comment. E.g., for the story I specifically asked about, a public comment about how the end felt abrupt despite a long slow build-up, or that the wife was not well enjoy developed, would not be inappropriate or taken amiss.
Thanks for considering reading this story!
I like an honest feed back, without a patronizing song. Most, know my style and many, just don't get it. I write for my own entertainment, but it's helpful to get true comments also.
you suck. *giggles and runs*
You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.
I understand your desire for real criticism but sometimes there is none to be given by a particular reader, in this case me.
I have read as requested 'Last Tango With Malena' and here is my criticism as follows:-
1 -
2 -
3 -
I could list more points to prove a point but I think you get my drift, I have no criticism.
I don't dance the tango (though that may change) yet I found myself drawn into a wonderful love story between two people that I truly wanted to get together and be happy. I found myself pleading internally for him to fuck her as I read the rehersal scene that was an 'almost' and then the fire alarm went off, and when we got to the end I found myself making actual threats on your life if you didn't let them consummate their love. (that's very clearly love not just lust)
To make the reader invest that much emotional energy into two fictional characters is a talent and you should accept the praise.
You didn't write a porn story so I can understand the frustration of some expecting to read sex scene every few paragraphs, what you wrote was an erotic love story, so stand up and take a bow.
P.S. My editing skills are rubbish at times so if you got the prose wrong or a full stop in the wrong place then bad you etc etc.
