So we've had a tumultuous relationship for the last 3 years, 15 month relocation 18,000 miles driven over 15 months, finally settled in a beautiful place, celebrated 40 year anniversary, no infidelity, no abuse (except emotional), I've been a dick.
Also in the last few years, 3 year health issue with 2 surgeries (me), death of her 95 year old Mother (w/o her being able to with her).
Wow, stressed out, both of us.
3 weeks ago she packed a suitcase with 3 days of clothes to visit her brother, "Taking a break" (Deserved). Got there and decided she isn't coming home. Can't live as my "wife", missed my 68th Birthday (Never before). We still talk daily by phone. Both agree, slow down, no need to change anything yet. EVERYTHING is the same, house exactly as she left it, she is everywhere in the house, but I can't touch her ... and my happy place in this world is between a remake's legs (where I was the night before she left).
We are very different people, and have differences.
I've obviously had a head full of confusion.
So ladies ... Help me out here please ...
Will she come back after cooling off? (She can do that with dignity, just "Break is Over")
I've already begun to address the issues that aggravated her, and I need to do for myself to be happy in this world.
What about me? How can a 68 year old guy have a "New Beginning", stresses, lonely and horny?
Additional thoughts, offers, questions via public or private
Thanks
Mods/Ladies: I supposed this might get moved to "Relationship advice"; but I really only wanted to hear from "The gals"; guys typically take the attitude, You're you, you aren't changing, neither is she. Fuck her. And I've been there; but I want the companionship, and frankly the touch, the sex, the love. How does an old fart like me find that?"
Been a month now, and she isn't back yet, but still is able to walk through the door, pride in-tact and say, "Breaks over, let's make our next 40 years Happy together". I don't plan on being a dick any more! I've spent 68 years miserable, unhappy, disappointed. I have already done MANY things, hopefully that she sees already. But, she is still way stressed out! She has the RIGHT to make her own choices. She is still filling her "Love Cup" with relatives, and I'm being a good boy. And, hurting I am, I'm doing my best! So, with that additional clarification. Do I still sound like a dick? Am I being selfish? Or am I doing the RIGHT things to be a GOOD, HAPPY old man, and win my wife back?
A LIFETIME of 'being a dick'? Let me guess, you either didn't realize you were a total ass all that time or you thought she would just tolerate it forever?.
And to her a 'I'll change, I promise' is all you have to say for yourself?
People can't just believe in change after an extended period of difficult time has gone by. They have to see it. Change actually has to happen for it to be real.
From the looks of it, you need to reflect on all those 40 years and try to see your marriage and life from HER standpoint in order to begin to possibly understand why she broke free.
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Personally - given my marriage bs situation . . . If I got to a point where I couldn't stand my husband any more after years of endless and unrelenting emotional bullshit and I finally broke free and left him I would as fucking hell not be giving up that newfound freedom to come the hell back. The longer I'm gone, the more I don't miss any of it.
Why the fuck would i want to go right back to it?
Freedom - once you taste it - has all the pros.
Marriage - once you've suffered a shitty one - has all the cons.
It would take a miracle for that con festered marriage to suddenly start filling up with pro potential.
But my marriage is likely very different than your situation . . . but that would be my mindset (will be, if I can't actually get things to turn around.)
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So yeah - yeah you are being a bit selfish. If not selfish then blind.
Why don't you start your own life rather than clinging to the old one that clearly wasn't good for you or her?
And consider that if her leaving ultimately brought you the capacity to be happy then do either of you really need to be back in a serious marriage?
It just sucks to be you Pipe
You said your happy place in this world is between a remakes legs? What does that mean? You've begun to address the issues that aggravated her, what were they?
I think you still don't get what's happened here. You just admitted youve been a dick and emotionally abused your wife for 40 years. You are still saying "what about ME, MY head is full of confusion, she missed MY birthday" blah blah blah. Now you don't know why she won't come home. If she took only three days stuff with her, seems to me there's a good chance she's not coming back and wants to start again on her own.
I'd say this is going to be your ONLY chance to right your wrongs. I also think you're mistaken if you think she's going to walk back in that door like nothing happened. She's had enough. I'm pretty sure there's a lot you aren't saying about your behaviour towards her.
I appreciate the truth, honesty, and open conversation. I hope this thread continues. I hope for Happiness for both my wife and I; however this turns out. I also hope for MORE good input from y'all. I REALLY do want positive change to occur; but know the situation is causing great pain, and anxiety for a lot of people close to us. I'm trying to do the right things as best as I can; that's really all any person can do. If she choses to "Stay Gone"; Making her own choices is a right she should have. (in this country at least).
For trinket, I did type, damn autocorrect: .. "and my happy place in this world is between a remake's legs (where I was the night before she left)."
It should have read: .. "and my happy place in this world is between a female's legs (where I was the night before she left)."
One issue that aggravated her is feeling like she wasn't her own person anymore, I WAS CONTROLLING HER (without seeing, understanding that fully), now I do, and I have changed already, I am doing the best I can to let her make her own choices, and not be an unhappy dick anymore!
To fletch64: Yes it does, I hope I can change that quickly, and both my wife and I become such a good, happy couple, each who has changed for the better. And, it won't suck to me anymore! and, wife and I are BOTH Happy.
Thoughts will be appreciated. Thanks to each of you for your time, and hope for the best for EVERYONE!
Am I still being a selfish dick?
Also, I wanted to add that this isn't about how much you're hurting and suffering, and it's not about doing penance for the wrong you've done. There's no point in wallowing in self-pity. It sounds like you've brought your misery on yourself, so suck it up. It's about making her life better. You should focus on her, not yourself.
Post-avant-retro-demelodicized-electro-yodel-core is my jam.
I have to agree with with posts here on the matter of trust. You admitted you know you aren't treating her well and haven't in the past. That's a good start. There are a few things that might determine how this goes and ends. I've been on the other side of your situation so I think I have a good perspective. If she still loves you, there's still a chance to fix it. The most important thing you can do, if you still want her, is to really look inside yourself and change. You need to do that and make it permanent. Not just for a weekend, not for a few months, and not just until she comes back. Once she can trust you, if she feels like it, she might come back. If there is no permanent and reliable change that she can see and trust in, it won't be worth the hurt to return. I've been in her shoes. It sucks to have faith and hope in change and see nothing happening after years. Best of luck to you.
Yes, agreed all - I heard at my 3rd Yoga Class (Something I never would have done before she left), yesterday I heard this Quote ...
"From the moment a Man and Woman meet, every (second, minute, hour, 40 years+???) should be spent working towards more Harmony"
You may think this is a fault, but I have been listening to a retired Navy Seal leader (mostly about life and leadership and relationships), It's called "Jocko Podcast" Check it out. Yeah, I've changed already, and have been punished for my life plenty, not by my wife, but by God!
and like Navy Seals, I'm evaluating possibilities, and don't give up easily.
On a mission from God and I am late!
But, I'm a straight-forward guy, lots of people have told me, "If she doesn't want you, let her go..." One biker dude I met said "just get a Harley and ride man"
and I'm very sexual (look at Lushstories site we are talking/posting on), and if I am a DICK, maybe I should be on this site looking for who wants to FUCK this DICK, gals on here like DICKS, right? (Yikes words always get me in trouble!); but I think you folks here know and appreciate my words ... Maybe I should write my story??
But I'm intelligent and realistic, who wants to fuck a 68 year old dude's dick?
I'm afraid I'll just die a lonely old man, who beats off for his sexual pleasure.
Speaking of sexual pleasure, if you haven't heard of Hegre, check it OUT!
Who knows, maybe my fantasies can be realities with the right girl.
So, what I'm really here for is to ask Open Minded, strangers for their opinions, evaluate my options, and do the GOOD thing, and get Happy!...
Pipe -- you are facing an uphill battle. You took your relationship for granted, and your wife finally reached her limit. I applaud her courage to get away from a situation that she obviously found to be unbearable.
You have spent a fair amount of time trying to sell yourself to us, but our opinions don't matter. You really need to talk to your wife about whether or not she's willing to reconcile, and if so under what terms. Yep, that's right, she gets to set the ground rules. If you can live with and up to them, then best of luck to you both. If you can't live with them call it a day, wish her the best and move on. Most importantly, if you honestly don't think you could live up to the new rules then tell her up front.
You also gotta make a decision about what's more important -- (a) simply getting your dick wet or (b) having a fulfilling relationship. These aren't mutually exclusive options, but all too often option (a) leads to behavior that undermines option(b).
Storm... I think you need to go to a therapist.
Just talk it out with someone who has the capacity to give you solid insight both for yourself and on your full situation.
Volya
I REALLY appreciate you straight forward realistic comments ..
Actually I am open minded enough to already see the action she took, and also in a safe, family situation ... not running off who knows where else showed more bravery than I ever did. I respect her for; and truly regret my actions.
Only real difficulty in your WORDs if ever she will be ready to talk from the heart with me about "Us"... when stressed, and I know this is just as hard for her emotionally and anxiety wise, as for me, she locks up tight with words ... so when we talk I try to keep it light and give her whatever she asks for ...
If her mind is made up, your WORDS are correct I'll just have to make the best life for myself as I can .... and "Let it be ... "
Personally, at this moment the most important choice about dick getting wet ... I chose (B) .... even if I have to take my of myself (a) - she did leave her vibrator behind which is better than my hand. For this old fart, it really is just another body function that has begun to deteriorate anyways .... if you younger males are reading this, for me, 30 was nothing, 40 was nothing, 50 was nothing, at 60 I was I was near death, at 65 I said whew, made it, I might even get another 20 years! But, my body definitely began to lose abilities; yet I'm still a fit active guy with pretty good lab numbers from the doc. So life is as GOOD as I can make it.
M wrote: Storm... I think you need to go to a therapist.
S writes: Thank you for your expert opinion. ( where is that rolling eyes thingy?)
The old guy got himself in the situation..I stand by my statement.
Agreed, and I AM seeing multiple THERAPISTS!
I have seen 4 Psychologists, 1 psychiatrist, my Family Doctor multiple times since this started.
Fletch and M: I'm here because y'all are also giving GOOD advice, and I'm taking it all in, not disagreeing at all, if I get offended, Its all GOOD.
Hope the discussions continue - we all get to choose.
They say, with age comes wisdom.
