Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.
After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing to marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.
The manager said, "I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!"
Subject: Painting the porch
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer,
decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a
nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he
had any odd jobs for her to do.
'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, ''How
much will you charge me?'
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she
would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she
realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'
He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'
The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.
'Yes' the blonde replied 'and I even had paint left over, so I gave it
two coats.'
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it
to her along with a ten dollar tip.
'And by the way, ' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.
A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway.
"Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?"
"Driver's licence? What's that?..."
"It's a little card with your picture on it."
"Oh, duh! Here it is..."
"May I have your car insurance?"
"What's that?..."
"It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car."
"Oh this? Duh! Here you go..."
The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde
exclaims:
"Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"
One of my favorites ...
A blonde girl was complaining to her redhead friend about how her boyfriend would be perfect except for a really bad dandruff problem.
The redhead says "Why don't you just give him Head and Shoulders?"
The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"
A blind man walks into a bar.
The blind man sits down, thinking he'd break the ice with the bartender by asking "Wanna hear a blond joke?"
In a hushed voice, a man beside him says "Before you tell that joke, you should know our bartender IS blonde, our bouncer is blond, I'm a 6'4" black belt, the man sitting on the other side of me is 6'2, 250lbs, and a rugby player. The guy sitting next to you is pushing 300, 6'6, and he's a wrestler. We're ALL blond. So you think about it mister, do you really wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man sat for a second, thinking over the odds and then replied: "No, not if I have to explain it five times."
Ouch, but of course I laughed.
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert one time.
They'd just about given up hope of making it out alive when they found a lamp and rubbed it.
Funnily enough, a genie popped out and said they could each have one wish which would come true.
The redhead wished to be back home and poof! She was back home.
The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family.
The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"That's impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony then she pushes her knee and screams again, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
A cop saw a young blonde woman down on her knees under a streetlight. "Can I help you?" he asked.
The woman replied, "I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it."
The cop asked, "Did you drop it right here?"
"No," responded the blonde, "I dropped it about a block away, but the light's better here."
Q: How do you keep a blonde occupied for hours?
A: Write "Other Side Up" on a cardboard box.
In the doctor's office was three expectant mothers. The redhead said..."i know im having a girl because I was on top!".....The brunette then quipped "Well I am having a boy....I was on the bottom!" To that the blonde began to sob uncontrollably causing the Doctor to rush to the lobby* "OH my God Sweetie what is wrong??" '"OhhhhNooooooo.....I'MA HAVE PUPPIEEEEES!!!!"?
A blonde cop pulls over a blonde woman.
"Got your Licence, Ma'am?" the blonde cop asks.
"I don't know. What does it look like?" the blonde woman replies.
"About so big and rectangular," the blonde cop demonstrates with her fingers.
"Is this it?"
The blonde woman pulls a small vanity mirror from her purse and hands it to the blonde cop who looks at it.
"Aww, Ma'am!" she exclaims. "Why didn't you tell me you're a cop?"
Blonde Logic
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..."duh"...bottles won't fit in typewriter!
March - Got excited...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months...box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours...power went out!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid...8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!
June - Tried to go water skiing...couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition...learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm...car swamped, because top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C"...isn't it?
October - Hate M & M's...they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days...instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!
December - Couldn't call 911..."duh"...there's no "eleven" button on the phone!
How do you make a Blonde's eyes light up?
Shine a torch in her ear!
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and
help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a
tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going
to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then ..." He sighed......... . "Let's put all
the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."
Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, comfortable."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. She'll read it slowly."
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister
"I slept with a Brazilian"
Blonde replies
Oh my god, you slut!
How many is a Brazilian?
Q: How can you tell a blonde's been in your fridge?
A: There is lipstick on the cucumber.
Q) What do you get when you stand a blonde on her head?
A) A brunette with bad breath!
.jpeg)
If not I'll help you beat him senseless. 
