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Sexless marriages - Is it ok to cheat? Options · View
MMonroe
Posted: Tuesday, March 9, 2010 9:08:29 AM

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Bunny12 wrote:
Just thought of something. Call me crazy but I really think withholding sex from your spouse is the same thing as cheating you are cheating your spouse out of intimacy. Why is it the withholder of sex never seems to be responsible for anything I wonder??? That will make you go Hmmmmm??????


Maybe because they wouldnt be withholding sex just to punish them. I mean maybe they would but there are also thousands of other reasons why they dont want to have sex, such as hormonal or emotional problems.

I tell ya, if i went off sex because of some kind of emotional problem and then found out that rather than help me through it, my OH was fucking around....he wouldnt have a leg to stand on
MMonroe
Posted: Tuesday, March 9, 2010 9:09:32 AM

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Quote:
Just because we want to cheat doesnt mean we should. Isn't part of marriage willingly giving up those opportunities, and committing to monogamy? If you have an open marriage it's clearly different, but if you committed to a monogamous marriage, then yes, it is wrong to cheat. Having marital problems and "being stuck in a sexless marriage" is just an excuse to me, and if you have to point blame at other people to excuse your actions, shouldn't that tell you that even YOU don't believe that your actions are in reality justified?


This!!
Jezziebelle
Posted: Tuesday, March 9, 2010 9:18:26 AM

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Location: United States
Bunny12 wrote:
Just thought of something. Call me crazy but I really think withholding sex from your spouse is the same thing as cheating you are cheating your spouse out of intimacy. Why is it the withholder of sex never seems to be responsible for anything I wonder??? That will make you go Hmmmmm??????



I think it goes more into motives here. If you are withholding sex because you're ticked off at someone it's a little different than if you're withholding it because you got raped and can't deal with it, or because you have MS and can't have sex..... granted it's probably not this intense of a situation, but we don't know that. Without knowing the details it's impossible to talk about whether or not the withholder is in the wrong, and since that is NOT who posted on here.....

Right there. Oh yeah baby. Right there.
mercianknight
Posted: Wednesday, March 10, 2010 12:13:53 PM

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Joined: 8/11/2009
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Location: whispering conspiratorially in your ear, Bermuda
Bunny12 wrote:
Just thought of something. Call me crazy but I really think withholding sex from your spouse is the same thing as cheating you are cheating your spouse out of intimacy. Why is it the withholder of sex never seems to be responsible for anything I wonder??? That will make you go Hmmmmm??????


I think I love you Bunny clown

"Whoa, lady, I only speak two languages, English and bad English." - Korben Dallas, from The Fifth Element

"If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must man be of learning from experience?" - George Bernard Shaw
tomtom81
Posted: Wednesday, March 10, 2010 12:20:06 PM

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Joined: 12/14/2009
Posts: 126
I'm old school. Cheating is not cool.

I am the Madman!
Guest
Posted: Saturday, March 27, 2010 1:39:27 PM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 781,613
I do not want a man to cheat on me, because their is no sex. It is pathetic, because he does not have the guts to leave me.
I would rather be on my own than to stay in the relationship and cheat on him, I know that I couldn't not do that to him.

When my marriage was coming to an end, I vowed to myself I would not use the excuse of being with another man as a means to leaving the marriage.

Guest
Posted: Saturday, March 27, 2010 3:21:13 PM

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It should not matter if there is sex in the marriage or not, cheating is cheating. In my view you make a commitment because you love them, not for what they do for you.blah5
cremey
Posted: Saturday, April 10, 2010 10:29:50 AM

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Location: KY
I'm not a fan of cheating. I do believe that if you committ to a marriage, you're in thru thick and thin. I also believe if you are completely unsatisfied, either grow the balls to work on it or get the fuck on. don't stay in a relationship that brings you no satisfaction, whats the point? but on the flip, you need to be honest with your wife. talk to her, express how you feel, try to understand why she isnt into sex anymore. sometimes, its simply that, she too is tired of the day in-day out routine. she is probably feeling stressed, and stretched thin, and tired and bored. if this is the case, as her husband, you should dtep up. treat her to a spa day, give her the credit card and arrange for a friend to pick ehr up for a dya of shopping. take her to a nice hotel, out to a nice club, spoil her a little. everyone needs a break and everyone eventually winds up feeling stuck. anyways, if she refuses to communicate adn you feel like you just cant stand it any longer......be honest with ehr, tell her, and leave. no point in stayiong with a person when theres no conectin there. i agree with the fact that few marriages make it without one or the other cheating. staying committed to one person forever is very hard. things get to routine and boring. but i do believe, and i know i have already said this, i do believe if you say "i do", you need to put in the work to fix whatever went awry. cheating on the sly is a cop out and is unfair and disrespectful. if you feel you need somehting more sexually, tell her, be honest. i know quite a few married friends who were more than happy to accomadate the others desires. a few good GF's of mine even allowed another woman in the bed adn her and her spouse are very content and more in love now than in th beginning. i guess that with time, things and people change. theirs wants/needs/desires change. If you commit to marriage you commit to the work. cheating on the sly should not happen. if you arent married, well, do what you do, but in a binding marriage, you need to step up and fix the shit or leave. i do believe paople take the vows of marriage to lightly these days adn only keep their vows when its convenient for them, its not the way marriage should be, but thats another forum isnt it???!!! haha......kisses, ~cremey~
Milik_the_Red
Posted: Tuesday, May 18, 2010 11:43:26 PM

Rank: Internet Philosopher
Moderator

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Posts: 5,872
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The relationship Im in the process of ending right now has become increasingly sexless over the last year and a half. Whether this is a symptom of our problems or the root cause I'll probably never know, but I do know this. I never cheated on her, but once it is understood that we are over, I am definatly back in play. I just feel I should wrap this up before hopping into a new saddle.

Surely silence can sometimes be the most eloquent of replies
- Unknown
WellMadeMale
Posted: Wednesday, May 19, 2010 6:33:37 AM

Rank: Constant Gardener

Joined: 9/30/2009
Posts: 10,781
Location: Cakeland, United States
Milik_The_Red wrote:
The relationship Im in the process of ending right now has become increasingly sexless over the last year and a half. Whether this is a symptom of our problems or the root cause I'll probably never know, but I do know this. I never cheated on her, but once it is understood that we are over, I am definatly back in play. I just feel I should wrap this up before hopping into a new saddle.


I do not envy you at all, Milik. I have found myself standing at a similar crossroad for the last several months. I am frozen in place, so-to-speak. My feet feel as if I've grown roots.

'Should I stay or should I go, now?'

Obscenity is the last refuge of an inarticulate motherfucker.
BrindleChase
Posted: Wednesday, May 19, 2010 10:58:22 PM

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Location: www.forlorn-hope.net
There are some great points made here. Some I agree with, some not so much, but I think it comes down to the two people in question. Every couple is different. I don't think cheating is okay. Some mentioned how cruel it is to betray their loved one.

But I also feel, is not the one withholding sex, betraying their partner? On a different level? How many years of withholding sex from their lover must elapse before others would consider it cruel? When sex is withheld, it hurts the other partner... At some point, wrong or right, sex becomes the line in the sand. Some advise divorce. But what do you do when you truly love your significant other, but they withhold sex from you. For years at a time? They say they love you and you are still friends. But sex is off the table...

Is there a point when the cruelty dealt by the withholder permisses the other to cheat? Or is divorce the only answer?



paranormal • erotic • romance
www.forlorn-hope.net
Milik_the_Red
Posted: Thursday, May 20, 2010 6:52:21 AM

Rank: Internet Philosopher
Moderator

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Posts: 5,872
Location: The Citadel of my mind , United States
WellMadeMale wrote:
Milik_The_Red wrote:
The relationship Im in the process of ending right now has become increasingly sexless over the last year and a half. Whether this is a symptom of our problems or the root cause I'll probably never know, but I do know this. I never cheated on her, but once it is understood that we are over, I am definatly back in play. I just feel I should wrap this up before hopping into a new saddle.


I do not envy you at all, Milik. I have found myself standing at a similar crossroad for the last several months. I am frozen in place, so-to-speak. My feet feel as if I've grown roots.

'Should I stay or should I go, now?'


Ironically, I've had that same song going through my mind for some time now...

Surely silence can sometimes be the most eloquent of replies
- Unknown
Guest
Posted: Thursday, May 20, 2010 8:30:50 PM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 781,613
WellMadeMale wrote:
VanGogh wrote:
Life is toooooo short to be "stuck" in a sexless marriage - I vote, hang it up!

Then, make your ex-partner your best friend and companion and be available to find someone who makes a marriage complete.


Right on, Van!


You can give me a ticket on this train. Most times problems like this cannot ever be fixed. Save yourself and her a lot of unnecessary pain and end it. I would recommend a long period of singleness and a honest self examination.
myself
Posted: Thursday, May 20, 2010 9:30:34 PM

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Location: .showyourdick.org/
Marriage is not about sex. If it is about sex or anything other than the promise, we shouldn't be married. All of us have a right and maybe a duty to ourselves to try and be happy I expect. Although sometimes, no matter what we do it's not possible. -just think it's par for the course and possibly, this is when we grow and learn the most. It's true there is heartbreak in relationships. No one and nothing is perfect.

-wishing knowledge gained and used to the positive for us all -learn from the good more than from the bad -it feels better

Ask yourself what you want and when you have it figured out, get it. Fate may find a way to take it from you which will break your heart but you'll go on the best you can. : )



Torture the data long enough and they will confess to anything.
AJtheTerrible
Posted: Saturday, May 22, 2010 10:46:05 AM

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Joined: 5/20/2010
Posts: 18
Location: Melbourne
Perhaps there is a larger, societal l issue here. We are animals, still primal in many respects. We have evolved communication, intelligence (to a point) and even a low level spiritualness. But we are still animals by nature, and our drive to procreate is still a force to be reckoned with.

Also although we have 'civilised' many customs & patterns of behaviour, boxed & suppressed instinct and created rules that allow us to exist in such a populated & compressed society. But instinct will out over reason at times.

Perhaps also historical religious doctrine has created a stigma in our society & culture that we are not free to enjoy sex for the sake of sex without group guilt. Perhaps if our societal rules of sex and relationships allowed us to separate sex from an emotional bonding & paring, we would not have such a problem with 'unfaithfulness'. Bearing in mind that historically, and even now amongst some fundamental religious groups, only women were impure and able to be unfaithful, until recently a man was allowed his 'affairs' and the wife’s job was to keep house & ignore these flirtations.

I am not saying I agree ..... but I do believe that doctrine has boxed us into a frigid sexual place and secular guilt & judgement will not allow us to be truly sexually liberated.

As a result of all this cheating is considered bad in society, but only because we make it so, as we are not secure enough within ourselves or in our own relationships to trust. If we trust our partner in love, not to hurt is emotionally, then sex can once again be fun and the issue of cheating becomes a moot point.

Just my thoughts.


Quote:
Its only kinky the first time.
Guest
Posted: Thursday, July 22, 2010 4:23:11 PM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
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When I met my husband and that was years ago, and if he wanted me he had to accept that I would always have other sex partners. Still do and always will, he has the same option.

Kids of Lush are we again confusing Love and Sex. Why must there be a conflict?

Yes we still love each other and yes the sex is great, but there other place for pleasure
.
NoahBody
Posted: Friday, July 23, 2010 7:52:39 AM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 7/19/2010
Posts: 75
Location: The hills of TN
NO...NEVER
When you got married made a commitment to each other...and the sole reason was NOT sex.
My sex life has suffered because of the adoption of three children, but at the same token I wouldn't cheat on my wife. I may masturbate a bit more than I thought I would before we got married, but by doing so still keeps my marriage in tact. Read my short story Waiting To Cum, that explains just some of the frustrations I feel. But still, I would not cheat on her (fantasize yes-cheat no).
WellMadeMale
Posted: Friday, July 23, 2010 12:00:27 PM

Rank: Constant Gardener

Joined: 9/30/2009
Posts: 10,781
Location: Cakeland, United States
WHR43 wrote:
When I met my husband and that was years ago, and if he wanted me he had to accept that I would always have other sex partners. Still do and always will, he has the same option.

Kids of Lush are we again confusing Love and Sex. Why must there be a conflict?

Yes we still love each other and yes the sex is great, but there other place for pleasure
.


You didn't really answer nor address the crux of the initial question. I understand from your post that you and your husband discussed the issues and decided upon an open marriage (or am I reading more into this?).

Do you inform him, whenever you decide to take on a new sex partner? Or does the initial discussion and understand which emerged from that, offer you blanket coverage, so-to-speak?

Not that it is any of my business, but I applaud you and your husband for your ability to communicate.

Obscenity is the last refuge of an inarticulate motherfucker.
Guest
Posted: Friday, July 23, 2010 12:25:50 PM

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I was raised in an old world view of marriage--one partner. So after splitting with my ex-wife she told me that she'd gone and done it with one of my best friends, it made me WANT to turn back time and indulge myself with that one opportunity that I had during our marriage, but I wouldn't actually do it. Damn, that would've made one hell of a nice story if I had though. Hmm... might still make a good piece of fiction. Towards the end and even when I had my opportunity we were pretty much sexless but because of my own principles of remaining honest I wouldn't and couldn't do it. Now if we had been more open, talked and worked out things rather than going behind each other's back that would be a different story. I believe in HONESTY first and foremost!
Guest
Posted: Friday, July 23, 2010 12:27:59 PM

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My husband and I were both in basiclly sexless relationship and were both very very unhappy. When we started to see each other we agreed there would be NO sex untill we were both in the clear of the ex's. So thats what we did and it's not like they were short relationships I was with my ex for almost 7 years and he with his for probably around 7, thats a long time to be unhappy especially when your only 22 and 24. Anywho, if you are still in love try to work it out whether it counciling or possibly some libido drugs. If your spouse has no interest in even trying to make things better then it might be time to move on she might not have the best for you in mind. xx
Guest
Posted: Friday, July 23, 2010 12:50:54 PM

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LadyX wrote:
But I agree that humans are not monogamous naturally, the powers that be threatened us with religion and threatened to shun us unless we agree to this whole family thing. Someone once explained to me that they did it so we would be more productive and orderly, and I can see that.


ding ding ding..give the lady a prize!
SweetPenny
Posted: Monday, July 26, 2010 3:41:05 PM

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Location: State of Confusion
It is not okay to cheat. If you're going to cheat, then go ahead and cheat, but don't try to convince yourself that it's okay.
Daddyskitten
Posted: Wednesday, September 8, 2010 7:08:31 PM

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Location: Austin, United States
instead of cheating, why not talk about swinging? If you love your partner and its just the sex you need, swinging can be a good option, just set some ground rules so no one feels betrayed. who knows, it might rekindle your sex life, and by default ur marriage.

Ian
Posted: Thursday, September 9, 2010 3:51:34 AM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 2/12/2010
Posts: 89
i think those vows put your sex life on lock down to one person. If there's a problem in a relationship then usually that means you should find a solution, not cause another problem... just saying.
WellMadeMale
Posted: Thursday, September 9, 2010 12:24:21 PM

Rank: Constant Gardener

Joined: 9/30/2009
Posts: 10,781
Location: Cakeland, United States
I still have a vivid memory of the time I was a groomsman for a good friend, when I was but 21 years old. He was 20 and reciting his marriage vows. I could look over the shoulder of the best man, in front of me, and see the rivers of perspiration flowing down the back of Mike's neck.

He was the epitome of cool, calm and collected during his early post pubescence while in High School. An all-state athlete in four sports, he was The Jock with a jovial sense of humor, who everyone liked and he was marrying the prettiest/friendliest former cheerleader.

But Michael also was a cheating marauder in those days, and I thought to myself of his bachelor party just two days earlier...as I removed myself from the room where he was conducting the orgy...

"Yeah, you're sweating and the only people who know why, are standing. four deep, behind you...you dawg."

That marriage lasted 3 short years, til she busted him.

Obscenity is the last refuge of an inarticulate motherfucker.
Woman
Posted: Thursday, September 9, 2010 4:49:26 PM

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I don't know if I agree with cheating in a sexless marriage or not. If it is just sexless, get a toy. Masturbate for peace for gosh sakes. If it is the loss of intimacy; that feeling of closeness, then figure out how to get it back.

I am not married, so I might be just talking out of my arse here. But I have seen people get more lazy over time and taking the easy way out of difficult situations. Rather than work at being happy (for it is hard work to be happy), people would rather just walk away to the next thing that floats their boats.

It all depends on the situation, the people involved, and what one has done about it. For me personally, I'd be more likely to emotionally cheat than physically cheat.

Living life and enjoying life are two different things... just need to figure out how to do both at the same time to live it right!

Woman... GO FLY A KITE!!!!! Take a slideshow walk with me on a walk through the parks of Inner Mongolia, China. Then enjoy the tale of a very traditional day in the life of a white Woman in China.
belle02026
Posted: Saturday, September 11, 2010 5:56:48 AM

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Posts: 38


I may be in the minority here but in a sexless marriage there isn't always the opportunity to talk about it, figure out the issues that have made the marriage sexless. In order for that to happen, both parties need to admit there is a problem. What happens when one party feels the lack of sex isn't an issue? What if one party feels strongly against marriage counseling? Point being both parties have to be willing to admit there is an issue as well as willing to work on resolving the issue.

Are you then saying if someone doesn't want to recognize there are issues and doesn't want to invest in getting through the issues, the other party should still remain faithful since cheating is the absolute evil? Hell no! Not me, and I doubt the large majority would feel loyal to their partner if they weren't willing to admit the issue and work through it. Which then brings us, hopefully, to another point; divorce.

I was in a sexless marriage. Although I was the one who refused to have sex with him. I withheld it because there were other issues in the marriage. I tried to talk to my husband about the issues that prevented me from wanting to have sex with him. He thought I was nuts. I suggested counseling, he felt we didn't need it. Well, I still had needs and I cheated. He wanted to save the marriage but kept using the blame game. All the problems we, as a couple were having, were because I was the issue. (This was the case before I cheated on him.) He still to this day doesn't know I ever cheated on him.

Would I cheat again if I was to be married again? Well, I can't say no for sure but I'd definitely be wiser in choosing a partner in the future. Hopefully one who is far more mature and can effectively communicate so cheating would never have to cross my mind. LOL
professorhooters
Posted: Thursday, February 3, 2011 7:59:13 PM

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Location: New York City!!!!, United States
it is NEVER okay to do that. NO, NO, NEVER!
2706ali
Posted: Thursday, February 24, 2011 2:12:02 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 8/5/2010
Posts: 287
Location: London, United Kingdom
...to keep your sanity,and relieve your frustrations,i would say its ok.
TopThis
Posted: Thursday, February 24, 2011 11:04:56 AM

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Joined: 11/17/2010
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Location: Mountains of , United States



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