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Sexless marriages - Is it ok to cheat? Options · View
lafayettemister
Posted: Thursday, February 24, 2011 11:06:55 AM

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Until you've been in a sexless marriage, don't be so sure you know what you would or wouldn't do.





When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. Socrates
Dudealicious
Posted: Thursday, February 24, 2011 9:44:50 PM

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I was there I know what you mean

The night that changed my life, a four part series of a married man lusting after his co-worker

Sw33tAng3l
Posted: Thursday, February 24, 2011 10:20:44 PM

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lafayettemister wrote:
Until you've been in a sexless marriage, don't be so sure you know what you would or wouldn't do.


Sad that I'm a girl and I'm complaining about lack of sex in marriage.

I would agree with LM, when you've gone long enough & have tried everything to get your partner turned on and they just push you away... you really don't know what you would or wouldn't do in the situation if given the opportunity.
2706ali
Posted: Friday, February 25, 2011 3:45:55 AM

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[quote=2706ali]...to keep your sanity,and relieve your frustrations,i would say its ok.[however i still believe in being faithful to a partner,mine cheated after 24years marriage but i do understand why it happened,and the role i played in it ,]
cherryrebel
Posted: Monday, February 28, 2011 3:50:53 AM

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No!!!!!! Please value the sanctity of marriage- you took a vow!

if you can't be with one person for the rest of your life without sex then you shouldn't have gotten married!!

If you're going to grow old with someone then god willing you'll live a long life together where at least ten years or so of it will be sans sex... for example when you're eighty the probability is you wont be able to raise more than a smile! So it's better you're with someone who can make you smile then make you hard for the rest of ur days!!
cherryrebel
Posted: Monday, February 28, 2011 3:52:37 AM

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LadyX wrote:
here is a question, why would anybody be ok with a sexless marriage?


because you love someone???? isn't that why people get married???!!!!!
lafayettemister
Posted: Monday, February 28, 2011 8:39:22 AM

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cherryrebel wrote:
No!!!!!! Please value the sanctity of marriage- you took a vow!

if you can't be with one person for the rest of your life without sex then you shouldn't have gotten married!!

If you're going to grow old with someone then god willing you'll live a long life together where at least ten years or so of it will be sans sex... for example when you're eighty the probability is you wont be able to raise more than a smile! So it's better you're with someone who can make you smile then make you hard for the rest of ur days!!


I understand where you're coming from. But what if you're not 80. What if you're in your 30's and full of vigor and your libido is working as it normally should. It isn't just the lack of sex, it's the constant rejection. It's the feeling that you are completely unworthy of any kind of sexuality. Love is what we all, or most, desire in life. But part of loving someone is they must love you back. After a while the rejection and complete ignoring of one's needs, be it sexual or otherwise, will doom a marriage. Just my

My 2 cents






When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. Socrates
cherryrebel
Posted: Monday, February 28, 2011 8:41:58 AM

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then surely you should talk about it... go couples councelling... do whatever it takes- and then if you really can't work it out- don't stay together but dont cheat. it's the ultimate insult and It's not gonna make anybody's partner want to have sex with them any more!!!
Guest
Posted: Monday, February 28, 2011 8:49:04 AM

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cherryrebel wrote:
then surely you should talk about it... go couples councelling... do whatever it takes- and then if you really can't work it out- don't stay together but dont cheat. it's the ultimate insult and It's not gonna make anybody's partner want to have sex with them any more!!!


Not everyone is in a position to [don't] 'not stay together' ....there are many marriages out there that are just in existence for the sake of the children involved...sometimes even when everything has been tried and nothing works, it still has to be stuck out. And if that means cheating.....the most important thing for any kids involved is that their parents remain happy enough to be able to effectively parent. Yes, some people make the decision that they will be much happier apart and thus able to more effectively parent...but let's face it...how many 'weekend dads' do you know that are truly, effective parents?
cherryrebel
Posted: Monday, February 28, 2011 8:49:59 AM

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Mine is actually
lafayettemister
Posted: Monday, February 28, 2011 8:56:25 AM

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Ah, here is the conundrum. The kids. How many people can make this decision.... leave teh marriage and you'll only see your kids every other weekend? That is the situation facing parents of separation/divorce. In my neck of the woods, it is usually the dad that "loses" out. If someone said to you, if you divorce youll only get your kids four days a month, would you stick around and suffer through a shitty marriage or would you bail?

This brings up a whole other discussion, a can of worms I probably should not even attempt to open. The best parent should be given primary custody of the children. That doesn't always happen.





When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. Socrates
Guest
Posted: Monday, February 28, 2011 8:57:04 AM

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Congratulations for having a one in a million then... it doesn't make the father figure a bad person but at the end of the day, if you see your kids every weekend, every other weekend... etc etc etc you're not going to have a) the obvious - much time with them and b) that much of an impact on their lives.

Futhermore, few split families are able to put their differences aside in order to be able to do 100% what's best for the children involved...again, doesn't make them bad people, but you know what it's like, humans are emotional creatures.

I'm, recently, on my second case of the 'split family' and in this case, as with most I believe, it would have been a hundred times better, for the little ones, if they had attempted to stick it out until the kids were older. If only because when kids are young they are rarely comfortable with being taken away from either parent (namely the mother) for an extended period of time.

The other thing to consider is that the mother is going to get the kids (unless you can prove that she's some kind of child beater)...so what if you're the man in this 'sexless relationship', you know you're a better and more able parent...you're the glue of the family....are you going to leave your kids with someone you don't deem to be the best thing for them....just to keep your moral of 'I must not cheat' in tact...or indeed, your sex life full.

No, I don't think cheating is a nice thing, but I also think it is unreasonable to lump it in as a 'you must not do it under any circumstances' thing.
Guest
Posted: Monday, February 28, 2011 8:58:01 AM

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lafayettemister wrote:
Ah, here is the conundrum. The kids. How many people can make this decision.... leave teh marriage and you'll only see your kids every other weekend? That is the situation facing parents of separation/divorce. In my neck of the woods, it is usually the dad that "loses" out. If someone said to you, if you divorce youll only get your kids four days a month, would you stick around and suffer through a shitty marriage or would you bail?

This brings up a whole other discussion, a can of worms I probably should not even attempt to open. The best parent should be given primary custody of the children. That doesn't always happen.


Looks like you beat me to it on that one love.....clearly I'm a bit slow off the mark this afternoon.
cherryrebel
Posted: Monday, February 28, 2011 9:01:44 AM

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yeah ok,

so leaving the marriage and not seeing the kids is gonna suck - but if you cheat, you might not get to see them at all>

I'm not saying it's a do not do under any circumstances thing - if the sex has gone from your relationship and you feel you have to stay blah blah blah, and your partner is ok with you going elsewhere then fine, cheat all you like .. but wouldn't there be too much to lose if they didn't know and then found out? espec with kids involved
Guest
Posted: Monday, February 28, 2011 9:05:47 AM

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cherryrebel wrote:
yeah ok,

so leaving the marriage and not seeing the kids is gonna suck - but if you cheat, you might not get to see them at all>

I'm not saying it's a do not do under any circumstances thing - if the sex has gone from your relationship and you feel you have to stay blah blah blah, and your partner is ok with you going elsewhere then fine, cheat all you like .. but wouldn't there be too much to lose if they didn't know and then found out? espec with kids involved


Depends on how clever you are about it...but yes, it'll always be a risk.
lafayettemister
Posted: Monday, February 28, 2011 9:08:25 AM

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It more than sucks. And if you're going to lose the kids either way... then why not? I'm not saying that a cheater is proud of his actions. In my situation.. I'm adopted. My children are my only blood relation. Before teh birth of my son, I never looked upon another person and saw me. Where I came from....who I was. I see me in my son's eyes and in my daughter's too. Their face is my face. Losing them would be the most horrible thing to happen to me. The funny thing is, I KNOW i'm the better parent. Without any doubt. I also know that unlesss she's arrested blowing a serial killer while sniffing coke off his cock, while a donkey ass fucks her.. I have no chance of custody. I'm not perfect by any stretch... but I know i"ll lose. And I know that my kids would be used as a weapon of revenge and control.





When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. Socrates
LadyX
Posted: Monday, February 28, 2011 9:10:03 AM

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LittleBambi wrote:
cherryrebel wrote:
then surely you should talk about it... go couples councelling... do whatever it takes- and then if you really can't work it out- don't stay together but dont cheat. it's the ultimate insult and It's not gonna make anybody's partner want to have sex with them any more!!!


Not everyone is in a position to [don't] 'not stay together' ....there are many marriages out there that are just in existence for the sake of the children involved...sometimes even when everything has been tried and nothing works, it still has to be stuck out. And if that means cheating.....the most important thing for any kids involved is that their parents remain happy enough to be able to effectively parent. Yes, some people make the decision that they will be much happier apart and thus able to more effectively parent...but let's face it...how many 'weekend dads' do you know that are truly, effective parents?


Cheating happens all the time because people feel trapped in their current situation, I've seen that first hand many times, but that doesn't make it right. I'd say its a pretty small sliver of people who somehow 'remain happy enough to be able to effectively parent', while staying together but cheating on each other like crazy. Treating unhappiness with sex is like treating unhappiness with booze. Both work wonders for a few moments, but fail miserably as a strategy, probably making the problem worse than before each time.

And what effect do you think unhappy parents have on children? I think there are plenty of people here that can attest to how brutal that can be. Kids aren't stupid, nor are they emotionally tone-deaf (unless years of neglect or abuse conditions them to be that way).

Neither is ideal, I know, but a better-adjusted set of parents is better than a completely dysfunctional set of parents, even if it means they aren't under the same roof.
cherryrebel
Posted: Monday, February 28, 2011 9:10:48 AM

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it's really a judgement call
Guest
Posted: Monday, February 28, 2011 9:20:10 AM

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LadyX wrote:
LittleBambi wrote:
cherryrebel wrote:
then surely you should talk about it... go couples councelling... do whatever it takes- and then if you really can't work it out- don't stay together but dont cheat. it's the ultimate insult and It's not gonna make anybody's partner want to have sex with them any more!!!


Not everyone is in a position to [don't] 'not stay together' ....there are many marriages out there that are just in existence for the sake of the children involved...sometimes even when everything has been tried and nothing works, it still has to be stuck out. And if that means cheating.....the most important thing for any kids involved is that their parents remain happy enough to be able to effectively parent. Yes, some people make the decision that they will be much happier apart and thus able to more effectively parent...but let's face it...how many 'weekend dads' do you know that are truly, effective parents?


Cheating happens all the time because people feel trapped in their current situation, I've seen that first hand many times, but that doesn't make it right. I'd say its a pretty small sliver of people who somehow 'remain happy enough to be able to effectively parent', while staying together but cheating on each other like crazy. Treating unhappiness with sex is like treating unhappiness with booze. Both work wonders for a few moments, but fail miserably as a strategy, probably making the problem worse than before each time.

And what effect do you think unhappy parents have on children? I think there are plenty of people here that can attest to how brutal that can be. Kids aren't stupid, nor are they emotionally tone-deaf (unless years of neglect or abuse conditions them to be that way).

Neither is ideal, I know, but a better-adjusted set of parents is better than a completely dysfunctional set of parents, even if it means they aren't under the same roof.


No, nothing is ideal....and no, cheating isn't right...but then neither is the partner withholding sex...I was find it funny, bizarre even, that no one ever blames that member for a failed marriage (not accusing you of doing thus, just generalising)...people are so quick to say 'uh uh, cheating isn't right, you've f--ked up your marriage'.

I think you're right in the sense that being happy is the best thing you can be for your children...and you should do what it takes to achieve that (not anything law breaking mind!)... BUT if you can 'cope' in a bit of a crappy marriage then maybe that is better than splitting up, being the happiest person alive...and only seeing your kids for a couple of days every week or fortnight (which tends to be more common).
lafayettemister
Posted: Monday, February 28, 2011 9:26:28 AM

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Joined: 10/4/2010
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LadyX wrote:
LittleBambi wrote:
cherryrebel wrote:
then surely you should talk about it... go couples councelling... do whatever it takes- and then if you really can't work it out- don't stay together but dont cheat. it's the ultimate insult and It's not gonna make anybody's partner want to have sex with them any more!!!


Not everyone is in a position to [don't] 'not stay together' ....there are many marriages out there that are just in existence for the sake of the children involved...sometimes even when everything has been tried and nothing works, it still has to be stuck out. And if that means cheating.....the most important thing for any kids involved is that their parents remain happy enough to be able to effectively parent. Yes, some people make the decision that they will be much happier apart and thus able to more effectively parent...but let's face it...how many 'weekend dads' do you know that are truly, effective parents?


Cheating happens all the time because people feel trapped in their current situation, I've seen that first hand many times, but that doesn't make it right. I'd say its a pretty small sliver of people who somehow 'remain happy enough to be able to effectively parent', while staying together but cheating on each other like crazy. Treating unhappiness with sex is like treating unhappiness with booze. Both work wonders for a few moments, but fail miserably as a strategy, probably making the problem worse than before each time.

And what effect do you think unhappy parents have on children? I think there are plenty of people here that can attest to how brutal that can be. Kids aren't stupid, nor are they emotionally tone-deaf (unless years of neglect or abuse conditions them to be that way).

Neither is ideal, I know, but a better-adjusted set of parents is better than a completely dysfunctional set of parents, even if it means they aren't under the same roof.


Not all cheating is because someone is trapped. However I think many people stay in marriages becuase they are/feel trapped. We all know people that aren't ahppy in their marriages and can put their husband/wife issues on hold to tend to the children's needs. Most unhappy couples just aren't "in love" anymore. They/we don't stomp around our homes fuming mad at one another or argue/fight in front of the kids. My kids are happy well adjusted little suckers. They have absolutely no idea what mommy and daddy are going through. And they would never know the struggles that I go through. After things go south in my home, they'll still never know of the hoops that I'll have to jump through to see them.





When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. Socrates
cherryrebel
Posted: Monday, February 28, 2011 9:28:54 AM

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I'm done because this could go on for a long long long time- everyone's different- you're all entitled to your own opinions
LadyX
Posted: Monday, February 28, 2011 9:33:40 AM

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LittleBambi wrote:
.I was find it funny, bizarre even, that no one ever blames that member for a failed marriage (not accusing you of doing thus, just generalising)...people are so quick to say 'uh uh, cheating isn't right, you've f--ked up your marriage'.


I totally agree with that, which is why I made this comment/question:


cherryrebel wrote:
LadyX wrote:
here is a question, why would anybody be ok with a sexless marriage?


because you love someone???? isn't that why people get married???!!!!!


Sex is an essential part of marriage. Loving somebody doesn't excuse the other partner of not giving it their all, with their whole heart. Would you put up with a partner who never paid the bills, yet pocketed all the money for himself, just because you love him? Because you took a vow? What if he hit you? It's abuse, and only likely to escalate at some point down the road, but you did take a vow, right?

I wasn't saying it to justify cheating. I was only offering up the question, because to me, a marriage without sex is a pretty incomplete way to live unless both the man and the woman are happy that way.

No, I can't speak from experience, but I do have experience talking to tons of men who feel incomplete and maybe even broken by the fact that they're in a terrible marriage with no sex. And, from what I gather by now, the assignment of blame in a dysfunctional marriage is often way too complicated to point fingers at either the withholder or the cheater. Both are just symptoms of some other bad shit going down.
Dancing_Doll
Posted: Monday, February 28, 2011 9:41:29 AM

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LittleBambi wrote:


No, nothing is ideal....and no, cheating isn't right...but then neither is the partner withholding sex...I was find it funny, bizarre even, that no one ever blames that member for a failed marriage (not accusing you of doing thus, just generalising)...people are so quick to say 'uh uh, cheating isn't right, you've f--ked up your marriage'.


LOL... this sounds like that tired argument men give to their mistresses about how their wife is withholding sex and how he can't leave her until the kids are older, but then he promises he'll get a divorce and they'll 'live happily ever after' but just have patience and keeping blowing me in the meantime.

This is the era where divorce, joint custody, and blended families are commonplace. It's no longer necessary to "stay together for the kids" or because little Johnny will be the only one in his class with divorced parents.

It's far better to split things amicably when you know it isn't working, or when one spouse decides to permanently withhold sex, or when someone feels the urge to have an affair. Otherwise, you run the risk of your spouse finding out that you're cheating and you can bet the divorce, ability to parent and see the kids, or the marriage itself (if you stick it out post-affair) will be a far greater nightmare than if you split while still on good terms.


lafayettemister
Posted: Monday, February 28, 2011 9:43:29 AM

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LadyX wrote:
LittleBambi wrote:
.I was find it funny, bizarre even, that no one ever blames that member for a failed marriage (not accusing you of doing thus, just generalising)...people are so quick to say 'uh uh, cheating isn't right, you've f--ked up your marriage'.


I totally agree with that, which is why I made this comment/question:


cherryrebel wrote:
LadyX wrote:
here is a question, why would anybody be ok with a sexless marriage?


because you love someone???? isn't that why people get married???!!!!!


Sex is an essential part of marriage. Loving somebody doesn't excuse the other partner of not giving it their all, with their whole heart. Would you put up with a partner who never paid the bills, yet pocketed all the money for himself, just because you love him? Because you took a vow? What if he hit you? It's abuse, and only likely to escalate at some point down the road, but you did take a vow, right?

I wasn't saying it to justify cheating. I was only offering up the question, because to me, a marriage without sex is a pretty incomplete way to live unless both the man and the woman are happy that way.

No, I can't speak from experience, but I do have experience talking to tons of men who feel incomplete and maybe even broken by the fact that they're in a terrible marriage with no sex. And, fom what I gather by now, the assignment of blame in a dysfunctional marriage is often way too complicated to point fingers at either the withholder or the cheater. Both are just symptoms of some other bad shit going down.


I totally agree. The lack of sex is symptomatic of something else. Both partners know there is a problem but one or both are unwilling or unable or incapable of fixing the problem. My disagreement would be that men aren't broken by terrible marriages, but broken by an unequitable end to the marriage. Although I guess I haven't spoken to the men directly that you mention.

Loving the debate.





When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. Socrates
Guest
Posted: Monday, February 28, 2011 9:45:26 AM

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'Split amicably'? Do you live in a different world to the one I do?

Yes, some people manage it but the reality is *most don't*. If you know your partner will not 'split amicably' then what do you do??
lafayettemister
Posted: Monday, February 28, 2011 9:45:44 AM

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Dancing_Doll wrote:
LittleBambi wrote:


No, nothing is ideal....and no, cheating isn't right...but then neither is the partner withholding sex...I was find it funny, bizarre even, that no one ever blames that member for a failed marriage (not accusing you of doing thus, just generalising)...people are so quick to say 'uh uh, cheating isn't right, you've f--ked up your marriage'.


LOL... this sounds like that tired argument men give to their mistresses about how their wife is withholding sex and how he can't leave her until the kids are older, but then he promises he'll get a divorce and they'll 'live happily ever after' but just have patience and keeping blowing me in the meantime.

This is the era where divorce, joint custody, and blended families are commonplace. It's no longer necessary to "stay together for the kids" or because little Johnny will be the only one in his class with divorced parents.

It's far better to split things amicably when you know it isn't working, or when one spouse decides to permanently withhold sex, or when someone feels the urge to have an affair. Otherwise, you run the risk of your spouse finding out that you're cheating and you can bet the divorce, ability to parent and see the kids, or the marriage itself (if you stick it out post-affair) will be a far greater nightmare than if you split while still on good terms.






When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. Socrates
cherryrebel
Posted: Monday, February 28, 2011 9:46:04 AM

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crazy crazy crazy LOL
lafayettemister
Posted: Monday, February 28, 2011 9:47:01 AM

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Dancing_Doll wrote:
LittleBambi wrote:


No, nothing is ideal....and no, cheating isn't right...but then neither is the partner withholding sex...I was find it funny, bizarre even, that no one ever blames that member for a failed marriage (not accusing you of doing thus, just generalising)...people are so quick to say 'uh uh, cheating isn't right, you've f--ked up your marriage'.


LOL... this sounds like that tired argument men give to their mistresses about how their wife is withholding sex and how he can't leave her until the kids are older, but then he promises he'll get a divorce and they'll 'live happily ever after' but just have patience and keeping blowing me in the meantime.

This is the era where divorce, joint custody, and blended families are commonplace. It's no longer necessary to "stay together for the kids" or because little Johnny will be the only one in his class with divorced parents.

It's far better to split things amicably when you know it isn't working, or when one spouse decides to permanently withhold sex, or when someone feels the urge to have an affair. Otherwise, you run the risk of your spouse finding out that you're cheating and you can bet the divorce, ability to parent and see the kids, or the marriage itself (if you stick it out post-affair) will be a far greater nightmare than if you split while still on good terms.


Amicable divorce is rare. If one party wants to make things difficult, amicable isn't going to happen.





When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. Socrates
Dancing_Doll
Posted: Monday, February 28, 2011 10:06:40 AM

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LittleBambi wrote:
'Split amicably'? Do you live in a different world to the one I do?

Yes, some people manage it but the reality is *most don't*. If you know your partner will not 'split amicably' then what do you do??


Clearly the answer is to stay in a miserable marriage, keep fighting and being passive-aggressve with your "evil" spouse, and fucking around with your mistresses while trying to hide the evidence. That sets a far better example for the kids. At least they won't be the product of divorce... just of two immature, angry parents who eventually sleep in separate bedrooms. geek

Again... "amicable" divorce is what you make of it and how you handle it. I'd rather risk a non-amicable divorce than endure a non-amicable marriage.

Kids learn about marriage, love, responsibility and manipulation from their primary family unit. And yes, it will scar them for future relationships to have to watch the circus dynamics of a miserable cheating family household while growing up. I'd rather take my lumps in a divorce. Once things settle, two people that didn't cheat/violate trust are usually able to come around to some kind of understanding in raising the kids separately but intelligently. If not, then it seems you didn't pick your spouse very wisely.

Running the risk of getting caught cheating by an already angry spouse? Heh. That's like playing russian roulette with a potential split. It's just not something I'd want to leave to chance.

Oh but I forgot... "smart" people don't get caught cheating. 588-rolleyes






lafayettemister
Posted: Monday, February 28, 2011 10:17:03 AM

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Who said anything about passive agressive? I realize that in society i'm the asshole. I'm not proud of my own behavior. And never did I call my spouse evil. She is a good person and she loves our children. But I also know that she is extremely competitive and sees teh kids as her's... almost like a possession. Like I said earlier, until a person has been in a situation it's hard to know what he/she would do. In theory all you say is right, in practicality most of that goes out the window.


edit.. and i've never been accused of being smart. lol





When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. Socrates
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