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Humor

In our adult humor (“humour” for the British) section, you’ll find funny, sexy, saucy stories, meant to raise a smile.

To merge the libidinous with the laughable is perhaps the most difficult style of erotica to write, yet many lush stories writers rise to the challenge.

10

If Dildos Could Talk

What her dildo knows that you don't...

Psst. Pssst! Yah, you. Down here. That’s right, in the drawer next to the lube. There ya go little fella! Well hello there! I’m Dilbert, Becky’s dildo. Well, that’s my given name, but depending on the night, I’m also, Big Boy , as in "Come here, Big Boy," or, "How’s my Big Boy doing?" On those special nights, and a special condom, I’m her Big Black Cock . What? You didn’t know she...Read On

8

Chatters Anonymous

Chatting can have consequences

I started chatting back in the early nineties. My wife and I had been married almost twenty years at the time. I was forty-six and she was forty-five years old. We had a nice house in a nice neighborhood in Sacramento, California, USA. We both worked and were happy in our jobs. We socialized with friends going out with them from time to time. Life was pretty normal and mundane. My...Read On

5

The Best Chef She Ever Had

Dear Molly, I can’t believe I’m writing to you, after all these years of reading your column. I would never have thought that my wife and I would have problems at the table. We have always had a great dining life, despite sticking to relatively vanilla foods. I’m usually the one pushing for us to try delving into some more exotic meals together or going for that fourth course, but Jane...Read On

12

Asphalt And Fescue

I didn't even know her name, but she would hustle and fuck suitors on top of a picnic table. She would ride cocks like Annie Oakley. In those days, you would deliver her a pizza and give her a wink. She was well known around Indian Springs trailer park. Ample in the chest, with shapely legs, she wore her Daisy Dukes well. When you stood up to leave and zippered your trousers, your cock...Read On

16

Anal Play For Backwoods Folks

Some toys should come with instructions...

The curtain swung open and in walked a tall, young man in a white lab coat. His name badge said Dr. Stewart, ER Physician, among the cluster of other letter groupings. His shiny stethoscope swung back and forth as he closed the curtain behind him. “So, what brings the two of you to Emergency today?” The woman spoke first. “I don’t know why we are even here, but my husband insisted I bring...Read On

5

Lushie Christmas

The night Santa delivered gifts to Naughty Girls.....

All the elves are worried when Vixen returns alone while Santa is out on his deliveries. Later in the night his sleigh is spotted, but is flying erratically with only the seven reindeer. Santa lands the sleigh hard. One of the runners collapses and the sleigh smashes it into a snowbank. The elves rush to sleigh and roll it off the old elf. Santa slowly tries to stand up. He looks like...Read On

10

Tut

Sometimes there's more to a name than the obvious

I watched the dark colored BMW pull up to the gas pumps.  A young man got out, slid his credit card into the slot, punched some keys and started filling his car. He was surprised when Benny came out and started to clean his windshield. He and Benny started talking to each other, and in a couple minutes Benny nodded in my direction.   The young guy looked to be about thirty, tall and...Read On

11

The Wrong Truck at the Right Time

Truth is Stranger than Fiction

I am thirty five and consider myself a pretty good looking gal. I try to stay in shape and work out every other day. My boyfriend, Sam and I love to have sex and we are always looking for new adventures. About a month ago, we were invited to a wedding for one of his friends. I love weddings and I love getting dressed up. As I got ready, I noticed Sam was unusually horny. We were running...Read On

15

The Layby

I would bet that you couldn’t imagine what I have been through recently.

I have been here, in this spot, for a very long time. I wasn’t always in the state I am in now. I have changed over time, and time has treated me, shall we say, inconsistently. Inconsistently may be a strange word to explain time, but bear with me. I have witnessed many things in all my states of being. In the good old days, when I was something other than I am now, I only knew of birds...Read On

4

The Don has a booboo

never bite on the Don's cock

In a well-lit room in the back of the house were where they were sitting. Don Mateo Troia sat behind his large oak desk. His family was true to his name. He had become the head of his la Familia by pimping hookers on the streets of the west coast. He had many brothels under his protection from the top of Washington all the way down to the bottom of California.   He had made a name for...Read On

Letters To Santa

Viewers letters get read by Santa live on air

Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! And welcome to another episode of Letters To Santa, the show where I read letters form viewers like you on the air. Now before I read this weeks letters, I've got some old business to address.  First is the investigation by the authorities about my workshop claiming that it was a sweatshop staffed by children working for little or no pay. Seriously? Staffed...Read On

50

Bernie's House Of Bangers

Bangers and Mash

Bernie's House of Bangers Bernie's House of Bangers was a little, all-night diner on the corner of Riverside and Grove. It might as well have been on the corner of 'Nowhere' and 'Get Lost' for all the traffic it got. I'd driven by there a hundred times and never given it a second thought. It was only after a long evening of playing the nigh-shift Santa Claus at the local ‘Wally-Mart’ that...Read On

8

Damned Pigs

It’s funny how a bunch of damned pigs can play havoc with your life.

“Skinny dipping? Are you out of your mind? We're in public in case you haven’t noticed. What if someone comes along?” “It’s nearly dark, so what if they do?” My identical twin Mary Helen sat on a convenient root to slip off her Superga chambray sneakers. “All they’ll see is a couple of girls in the water. They won’t know that we’re de-liciously nekkid.” “Ha. And what if they decide to...Read On

27

Twas A Few Nights Before Christmas

Brenda stared with furrowed brow at Lexi’s reflection in the restroom mirror. “Don't give me that look,” Lexi said with a wicked grin. “He’s hot as all fuck.” Brenda tried to convince her friend to reconsider her choice. “He just made senior partner. He’ll fire our asses in half a heartbeat. Pick someone else. How about the sexy DJ we hired? She's hotter than fuck, too, and, has the...Read On

12

Naughty Girls – Use Their Native Tongue

Melissa and Emma are on holiday and English is not their native tongue.

  We were on holiday, South of Spain to be precise, and we were hungry. The closest place was a supermarket and Emma and I slipped inside to try and find something quick to eat. By the time we found some snacks and joined the extremely long queue, we were starving. I don’t know why the queue was so long, but it seemed to take forever to get to the front. In front of us was a rather...Read On

21

She Normally Gives Me Socks

Jenny didn't get socks this year.

Fuck, fuck, fuck and other words associated with sex, bollocks and cunt too sprang to mind, and I had silently screamed them all. Trying to calm myself down I had made coffee with whiskey, at ten in the morning! Well, it was nearly Christmas I thought. I had been enjoying a marvelous ride; my dildo stuck to the shower wall. In my fantasy world, my Italian stud was fucking me in the sun;...Read On

18
Editor's Pick

Platinum Haze

A vinyl record chirps out the chocolaty smooth baritone of Nat King Cole and his 1960 album, The Magic of Christmas , as we’re processed, lifting the precinct’s normally dingy atmosphere to something almost magical. Thing is though, the steel cuffs around my wrists aren’t at all about that magical, ‘Deck the Hall,’ cheer. They prefer sucker punches of ball-busting reality and the...Read On

43
ChrisM
online

Santa is Negotiable

Russian Mafia Boss makes a deal with Santa.

“What d'you mean, no Santa Claus for the children?” my husband Ivan yelled at me. “Ivan, I took the kids to the mall to see Santa Claus. When they got to sit on his knee and told him their Christmas wishes, he told them that there wouldn't be any. He said that because YOU had been a naughty boy this year they weren't on his list.” “Who the hell does he think he is? This ‘mudak,’...Read On

19

A Few Days Before Christmas, My Elves So Gifted Thee...

... a drunken road trip surprise for me

“What… the… fuuuck… “ Entering with a chorus of giggles, a conspicuous cloud of whiskey hit Missy, almost wilting the fuchsia hibiscus behind her ear. She chortled as the cherubic man in red, white, and black was seemingly pushed forward, and staggered through the brothel’s held open front door. “I said no more old fat guys, Willis. I have my pelvis to think about. What the hell?”...Read On

46
Editor's Pick

It's Behind You!

Who loves a Christmas pantomime? Oh yes, you do!

“Whoops, sorry!” Kevin felt himself blush involuntarily as he opened the dressing-room door and found himself confronted by the sight of Gary and Belinda going at it like a couple of rabbits. She was bracing herself against the table while Gary enthusiastically scuttled her from behind. The white blouse of her dirndl costume had been pulled right down, giving Kevin a full-frontal view of...Read On

17

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

The gift exchange throws a big black wrench in Kara's perfect Christmas party

Around nine o’clock in the evening, Kara and her girlfriends made their way from the dining room table to the living room. She was pleased with how her party was going. When she had volunteered to hold the annual gathering, she was intent on doing it all classy. Her friends had offered their suggestions, but she vetoed themes such as A Leather & Lace Christmas or A Vivacious Vixen Christmas....Read On

4

Incubi Lover

A job is still a job, even for a sex daemon

The nightstand beside my bed burst into orange and red flame, followed by the sound of a four car pileup. "Oh damn, I'm late! I'd better get going and see what Administration wants now." Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Mendelbrot, but my friends just call me Mendel. They laugh and tell me I'm a brot short of a pack. Ha, ha, silly boys. We all live here in Hades, but our...Read On

51
Editor's Pick

Oh Christmas Goat, Oh Christmas Goat

Christmas Day. Shelly was in the driver’s seat, her bunny slipper on the pedal, steering wheel in one hand while she searched through the stations of the radio for something that wasn’t Celine Dion singing Come All Ye Faithful. “Deer!” I screamed, pointing out the windshield, covering my eyes. I am not sure how she missed it. I credit the coke we’d snorted earlier. Either that or...Read On

8

Going Deeper

A husband becomes a cuckold one step at a time.

“Go deeper,” I moaned. Without intent, that evening revealed what I longed for sexually. My husband made no comment which made me think he either ignored my confession or was too lost in arousal to hear. A few days later, though, he had quite a surprise for me and the surprises have kept coming over and over. One evening, while we halfheartedly watched another episode of CSI, he...Read On

15

My Recurring Lush Nightmare

He confronts me with my double life, and I can't wake up

"Chris!" With that exuberant syllable I drop the packages just inside the front door and start to rush toward my adorable boyfriend who isn't supposed to be here until tomorrow, but something in his face freeze-frames me like Roadrunner over its ersatz Latin caption. He's sprawled on the couch, having made himself at home. "Your roommate let me in." An open bottle of Sam Adams is on the...Read On

17

I Vont Yu Soggy Foxy Box

What scholars know about vampires, would not fill a thimble. Some say we are born of sorcery, while others think of the Mad Hatter. The only real relevance being, we are among the maddening crowd. Shrouded by the dark and tales that people whisper. Butte, Montana, 2004. There is a thing of curiosity that dangles the thighs of men. Pierced in the front, it gets stiff and...Read On

14

I Vont Yu Beef Curtains

To a different audience I address these words. From my memory. Its not for those with stardust on their nose, or Harry Potter in their thank tank fields.Vampiring has plagued our ancestors for millions of years, and there are no antidotes or vaccines. "If you run, watch out. Don't fall prey to the setting sun." The year 1216. A small village came under attack, leaving victims who...Read On

25
Recommended Read

PokeMeGo

A new craze and a new Mobile App. Here I come!

A friend of mine put me onto it. We were having a conversation on Skype and she said that there was this App that was like Pokemon-go but very, very different. Then she proceeded to tell me all about it. I must have shaken my head several times throughout the conversation as she proceeded to describe the process through a chat window. I kept on sending messages back to her, such as, ...Read On

8

I Vont Yu Icing Squeezer

Ambrogio, the immortal, had made Adum and Evelyn in his own image. I changing my name to Ezekiel, and Evelyn now a dishwater blond, working at a carwash in Greenland. The darken night, shrouded by a foreskin of thunderous clouds. And like the Devil's cannon, the sky shuddered. I'm a walking paradox, " just walking in the rain ." A little bit wet, a little bit insane. "But never the...Read On

9

I Vont Yu Tureen

I vampire, (Ezekiel) a living dead body. Contradictory, but so am I. Although, I have an odorous musk about my flesh. My personality is that of gentleman in full control of his sanity. Some referring to me as an abscess on the ass-end of humanity. Residing in a grave, a portmanteau or a 1947 DeSoto coupe, I suck blood from the living. Occasionally nourishing my hungering lust with tomato...Read On