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Humor

In our adult humor (“humour” for the British) section, you’ll find funny, sexy, saucy stories, meant to raise a smile.

To merge the libidinous with the laughable is perhaps the most difficult style of erotica to write, yet many lush stories writers rise to the challenge.

6

Our First Time

A truthful account of our first swingers meet, names have been changed to protect the guilty

We are used to reading the stories on here about couples first times at clubs or meeting others and they always seem to have been the perfect meet. Here is our story of our first meet. We had discussed for many years, our fantasies about swinging and having sex with other people, but had never felt ready to make the next step. On a lovely Sunday morning in August we decided to take a...Read On

17

My Wife Gives Me A Wet Surprise

She got her wet revenge.

My wife and I had been out to a neighbor’s pool party. There was lots of BBQ and even more liquid refreshment there. We were feeling no pain as it got later and we decided to head home. Luckily, we only live a street over from the neighbors. There is a small stand of woods between the houses; and from years of visiting each other we had a nice clear path to follow to get home. We said...Read On

44
Recommended Read

A Laundry List, and Other Sins: A Porn Parody

Flora fucks and sucks her boyfriend’s daddy

Flora was a very sexy girl who was always distracted by naughty thoughts. Often, when she was distracted, she would slip a finger into her shaved pussy and play with herself. It didn’t matter where she was. Once she even did it in church because she thought the minister was looking extra sexy that Sunday. She always kept her tight pink pussy shaved bare because it made her feel super naughty....Read On

14

Interview – With The Wife

Asking all those questions, after nine years of being together, seemed unreal!

We were sitting in the lounge, the TV was on and the contestants of The Voice were vying for attention of the red chairs in front of them. I wasn’t taking much notice and was also reading while watching the TV at the same time. I looked up from my book and caught a glimpse of the girl during her obligatory pre-audition interview. I perked up and started to watch over the edge of my glasses....Read On

1

You've Got to Pay the Price

He asked a demon for a lass to dip his wick in. But could he pay the demon's price?

The demon appeared in the middle of the pentagram, coughing.  “It worked! The spell worked!  I summoned a demon!” I said.  I looked at the short guy in the middle of the pentagram.  It looked like a small version of a middle-aged man, a little bit like my astrology teacher.  His skin was regular skin color, not red, and he was dressed in ordinary robes. “You are a demon, aren’t you?” I asked....Read On

34

Wilbur The Traveling Dildo Salesman

Do we have a dildo for you!

I always knock three times, not two, not four, but three. If they didn’t answer, I then rang the door bell. When they do answer, I apologize for knocking, saying I didn’t see the button. Beginning with an apology immediately reduces any anxiety they may have toward the stranger at their front door. With the apology, and a warm smile, I have also shown them respect. That opens the prospect...Read On

It Don't Rain In Arizona

slippery_fingers: "What do you do for fun, and could you spread your pussy open?" Taffy: "Like this!" slippery_fingers: "That's nice."     Taffy: "Happy it meets your approval." * I was whoring myself out on the webcam to help pay for my university tuition. I thought of myself as an exhibitionist and not a prostitute, because I wasn't being touched or drooled on, just ogled. I had...Read On

4

Toby's Sexual Journey - Chapter 1 - 'Still a Wanker'

Toby was still a wanker, maybe Amber would change that

Toby was new at the paper, straight from his journalism degree. It was a local paper, a rag in all honesty, but it was a start. Most of his new colleagues were hacks, but worse than that they were fat, old and ugly. This was normally not a problem for Toby who was partial to storing a mature plumper in the wank bank in his college days. But this collection of co-workers were so foul the...Read On

34

The Lady of the House

When the lady of the house is not happy, then ain't nobody happy

Ray and I started dating shortly after my divorce. I’d been working for Victoria’s Secret Catalog so not only did I have an amazing forty percent discount on purchases, but I was also privileged to have first choice on new lines of merchandise before the catalog had been placed in mailboxes across the country.  For this particular evening, I’d selected a very sheer black lace baby doll...Read On

4

Date Night

A Hollywood star on a blind date finds his secret love life catching up with him

He’s doing it again! CeeCee thought, before saying aloud, “Is something wrong?” “Huh?” CeeCee rolled her eyes, repeating the question as she pointed towards her companion’s knife, still tapping away at the side of his wineglass.   “Look, if I’m boring you, just say so.” “No, I was just...” His voice trailed off under her glare.  “I’m sorry, I was being rude.  My mind was just...Read On

39
Recommended Read

Cockshock, Chapter 1

Blowjobs, boobs and a breakfast in ruins

Reginald Woodrow Buttress felt the deep throb before he opened his eyes. It was the same every goddamn morning and lasted all day, every day. A boner so big and hard you could club an elephant with it. Why, God, why? Why me? Perpetual wood. Permanent hard on. Eleven fucking inches of purple, throbbing stone. There was so much blood in his dick, he sometimes fainted. Even then his dick...Read On

6

Dirty Derek and the Nymph Next Door

All Derek wants to do is get his paws and a teenage girl's body.

Derek Matthews was standing at the counter of his local cafe, tapping his fingers impatiently and looking around at the room full of empty tables and chairs. A young foreign guy appeared behind the counter. “Yeah, what can I get you?” said the foreigner in a strong Eastern European accent. “About bloody time, an’ all,” Derek grumbled under his breath, then replied, “Bacon butty and a cup...Read On

19

If Dildos Could Talk

What her dildo knows that you don't...

Psst. Pssst! Yah, you. Down here. That’s right, in the drawer next to the lube. There ya go little fella! Well hello there! I’m Dilbert, Becky’s dildo. Well, that’s my given name, but depending on the night, I’m also, Big Boy , as in "Come here, Big Boy," or, "How’s my Big Boy doing?" On those special nights, and a special condom, I’m her Big Black Cock . What? You didn’t know she...Read On

6

Chatters Anonymous

Chatting can have consequences

I started chatting back in the early nineties. My wife and I had been married almost twenty years at the time. I was forty-six and she was forty-five years old. We had a nice house in a nice neighborhood in Sacramento, California, USA. We both worked and were happy in our jobs. We socialized with friends going out with them from time to time. Life was pretty normal and mundane. My...Read On

6

The Best Chef She Ever Had

Dear Molly, I can’t believe I’m writing to you, after all these years of reading your column. I would never have thought that my wife and I would have problems at the table. We have always had a great dining life, despite sticking to relatively vanilla foods. I’m usually the one pushing for us to try delving into some more exotic meals together or going for that fourth course, but Jane...Read On

Asphalt And Fescue

I didn't even know her name, but she would hustle and fuck suitors on top of a picnic table. She would ride cocks like Annie Oakley. In those days, you would deliver her a pizza and give her a wink. She was well known around Indian Springs trailer park. Ample in the chest, with shapely legs, she wore her Daisy Dukes well. When you stood up to leave and zippered your trousers, your cock...Read On

20

Anal Play For Backwoods Folks

Some toys should come with instructions...

The curtain swung open and in walked a tall, young man in a white lab coat. His name badge said Dr. Stewart, ER Physician, among the cluster of other letter groupings. His shiny stethoscope swung back and forth as he closed the curtain behind him. “So, what brings the two of you to Emergency today?” The woman spoke first. “I don’t know why we are even here, but my husband insisted I bring...Read On

5

Lushie Christmas

The night Santa delivered gifts to Naughty Girls.....

All the elves are worried when Vixen returns alone while Santa is out on his deliveries. Later in the night his sleigh is spotted, but is flying erratically with only the seven reindeer. Santa lands the sleigh hard. One of the runners collapses and the sleigh smashes it into a snowbank. The elves rush to sleigh and roll it off the old elf. Santa slowly tries to stand up. He looks like...Read On

10

Tut

Sometimes there's more to a name than the obvious

I watched the dark colored BMW pull up to the gas pumps.  A young man got out, slid his credit card into the slot, punched some keys and started filling his car. He was surprised when Benny came out and started to clean his windshield. He and Benny started talking to each other, and in a couple minutes Benny nodded in my direction.   The young guy looked to be about thirty, tall and...Read On

13

The Wrong Truck at the Right Time

Truth is Stranger than Fiction

I am thirty five and consider myself a pretty good looking gal. I try to stay in shape and work out every other day. My boyfriend, Sam and I love to have sex and we are always looking for new adventures. About a month ago, we were invited to a wedding for one of his friends. I love weddings and I love getting dressed up. As I got ready, I noticed Sam was unusually horny. We were running...Read On

15

The Layby

I would bet that you couldn’t imagine what I have been through recently.

I have been here, in this spot, for a very long time. I wasn’t always in the state I am in now. I have changed over time, and time has treated me, shall we say, inconsistently. Inconsistently may be a strange word to explain time, but bear with me. I have witnessed many things in all my states of being. In the good old days, when I was something other than I am now, I only knew of birds...Read On

4

The Don has a booboo

never bite on the Don's cock

In a well-lit room in the back of the house were where they were sitting. Don Mateo Troia sat behind his large oak desk. His family was true to his name. He had become the head of his la Familia by pimping hookers on the streets of the west coast. He had many brothels under his protection from the top of Washington all the way down to the bottom of California.   He had made a name for...Read On

Letters To Santa

Viewers letters get read by Santa live on air

Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! And welcome to another episode of Letters To Santa, the show where I read letters form viewers like you on the air. Now before I read this weeks letters, I've got some old business to address.  First is the investigation by the authorities about my workshop claiming that it was a sweatshop staffed by children working for little or no pay. Seriously? Staffed...Read On

51

Bernie's House Of Bangers

Bangers and Mash

Bernie's House of Bangers Bernie's House of Bangers was a little, all-night diner on the corner of Riverside and Grove. It might as well have been on the corner of 'Nowhere' and 'Get Lost' for all the traffic it got. I'd driven by there a hundred times and never given it a second thought. It was only after a long evening of playing the nigh-shift Santa Claus at the local ‘Wally-Mart’ that...Read On

8

Damned Pigs

It’s funny how a bunch of damned pigs can play havoc with your life.

“Skinny dipping? Are you out of your mind? We're in public in case you haven’t noticed. What if someone comes along?” “It’s nearly dark, so what if they do?” My identical twin Mary Helen sat on a convenient root to slip off her Superga chambray sneakers. “All they’ll see is a couple of girls in the water. They won’t know that we’re de-liciously nekkid.” “Ha. And what if they decide to...Read On

28

Twas A Few Nights Before Christmas

Brenda stared with furrowed brow at Lexi’s reflection in the restroom mirror. “Don't give me that look,” Lexi said with a wicked grin. “He’s hot as all fuck.” Brenda tried to convince her friend to reconsider her choice. “He just made senior partner. He’ll fire our asses in half a heartbeat. Pick someone else. How about the sexy DJ we hired? She's hotter than fuck, too, and, has the...Read On

12

Naughty Girls – Use Their Native Tongue

Melissa and Emma are on holiday and English is not their native tongue.

  We were on holiday, South of Spain to be precise, and we were hungry. The closest place was a supermarket and Emma and I slipped inside to try and find something quick to eat. By the time we found some snacks and joined the extremely long queue, we were starving. I don’t know why the queue was so long, but it seemed to take forever to get to the front. In front of us was a rather...Read On

19

She Normally Gives Me Socks

Jenny didn't get socks this year.

Fuck, fuck, fuck and other words associated with sex, bollocks and cunt too sprang to mind, and I had silently screamed them all. Trying to calm myself down I had made coffee with whiskey, at ten in the morning! Well, it was nearly Christmas I thought. I had been enjoying a marvelous ride; my dildo stuck to the shower wall. In my fantasy world, my Italian stud was fucking me in the sun;...Read On

19
Editor's Pick

Platinum Haze

A vinyl record chirps out the chocolaty smooth baritone of Nat King Cole and his 1960 album, The Magic of Christmas , as we’re processed, lifting the precinct’s normally dingy atmosphere to something almost magical. Thing is though, the steel cuffs around my wrists aren’t at all about that magical, ‘Deck the Hall,’ cheer. They prefer sucker punches of ball-busting reality and the...Read On

42
ChrisM
online

Santa is Negotiable

Russian Mafia Boss makes a deal with Santa.

“What d'you mean, no Santa Claus for the children?” my husband Ivan yelled at me. “Ivan, I took the kids to the mall to see Santa Claus. When they got to sit on his knee and told him their Christmas wishes, he told them that there wouldn't be any. He said that because YOU had been a naughty boy this year they weren't on his list.” “Who the hell does he think he is? This ‘mudak,’...Read On