Topic "Being myself" hasn't worked...
21 Jan 2013 16:24
Greetings gentlemen, and any ladies reading this!
I've sort of made peace with this issue, but I've not had luck with men in my life. I've been picked on as a kid, and my brother has treated me horribly (so I refuse to call him, unless he calls me) and as a result, I've been a bit afraid of men for a long time. I've had crushes on guys and guys ONLY, but if I approached them, they always turned me down. After decades of this, I told myself, "just concentrate on yourself, and getting a career or better job, make some money, and live your life. You probably won't ever meet a guy, so just get on with it, and don't base your life's happiness on whether or not you get a boyfriend" (I was 39 when I made this declaration, and never had a boyfriend--I'd dated guys, but never a boyfriend.) A few months after I made this declaration, someone who had read some of my writing a few months before, who had commented on it, contacted me and we started emailing. We eventually went out, and I finally had a relationship.
I was attracted to him and everything, and the first couple months it seemed okay, but then it went downhill. Long story short, we were together for 3 1/2 years. I learned some things I should have learned when I was 20, but one thing I haven't learned is why I've not had good luck when it comes to men.
I could not seduce anyone to save my life. I feel invisible. And I'd like to know how much self-esteem and confidence play in the whole man-woman thing. I was more accomplished than my boyfriend (I was 12 years older) but he was threatened that I eventually made more money than he did (I was working three jobs) and dismissed the writing I do (he called it G-rated porn) and told me a book project I'd wanted to work on was stupid.
But long before I met him, I never knew how to talk to men, and even now, sometimes they condescend to me. I feel like sometimes I have this tattoo on my forehead that is visible only to men, and it says, "treat me like shit." I don't know if it's my looks or what. I have a weak chin, which I've been self-conscious about for YEARS. Even when I was slender, I had bad luck with men. The men I was always attracted to were always taken, and the available guys I was not attracted to.
There's a guy I've known for 10 years, and I could probably have been his girlfriend, but I am not attracted to him. Even though I am overweight, I exercise, and I like to go out and do stuff--check out the street fairs and festivals, go to amusement parks, take walks, things like that. This guy is way too overweight to do stuff like that, and I don't want to sit around and just eat all the time with him. I am not the kind of woman who can wrap guys around her finger (I'd love to know what that's like) so it's not like I can say, "hey, let's walk around the mall for a while," or "hey, let's go to the gym."
A friend suggested I go on Match.com after my breakup, and for kicks, I saw some of the guys that were "matches" but I am not attracted to any of them, nor do their profiles seem particularly interesting to me.
I am the kind of woman that you don't notice. I've wondered why men seem to ignore me, and everyone has told me, "just be yourself." Well, being "myself" is not what men want. I've wondered where I've gone wrong. I think it's way too late for me, because I've looked and wondered and I can't find the answer. It can't be the fact that I'm overweight, because I've seen (and I've known) morbidly obese women who have husbands or guy friends, and one that I know personally is downright narcissistic. She used to say mean things to me until she pushed my button one too many times and I got back at her and told her I was tired of her shit.
It would be nice on occasion to step out with a guy that I dig, but I've had bad luck with men, and feel that if I advertise on a site, I'll attract some real weirdos (I worked with someone who went on to murder a local professor, and his accomplices were caught, but the guy I worked with wasn't caught until about six or seven years ago.) I'm getting really good feedback on my writing, and I'm trying to get through a financial crisis (which I think will end in a few months), so I've got some things to look forward to, but I wonder where I've gone wrong when it comes to men. The guy I've felt the most confident with ran off to marry a girlfriend (whom I didn't know about until my friend came back to town and told me about her). I knew the marriage would end, and I was right. My friend moved back to town, and I contacted him to ask what happened to us (I am not sure why he kept her a secret; if we were just friends, why wouldn't he tell me about her until the last minute) and he apologized, but we have not resumed our friendship. I emailed him a few times, and he responded, but the last time I emailed him it was last summer and he never wrote me back.