16 May 2015 10:48
I have leftover pizza. In other words, i don't need you.
07 May 2015 10:28
The internet is not the place for sarcasm. Thanks talk to you later.
26 Apr 2015 10:31
I have a super long bendy straw that I use to steal drinks and suck the joy out of any situation
23 Apr 2015 15:01
Which is more fun: arguing online or shoving a red hot poker up your vag??
23 Apr 2015 11:48
What I dream about and other mysterious mysteries.
09 Apr 2015 14:01
Sometimes I want to tell people to go to hell with my dick in your mouth but that would just be a little too rude wouldn't it?
07 Mar 2015 13:17
I was just elected mayor of Whogivesafuckingfuckville
12 Feb 2015 06:40
I just want to live in a haunted castle with a secret garden. Is that really too much to ask?
16 Jan 2015 20:27
I'm ready to have a really hot threesome with my book and bed on this Friday night
20 Dec 2014 05:05
I just had a fresh hot orgasm from the smell of fresh hot coffee!
06 Dec 2014 07:41
How many ways can you turn a heart inside out using only written words
02 Dec 2014 08:33
I am exuding erotic melancholy today...
26 Oct 2014 05:52
"You don't have to be perfect just try not to be stupid" is what I tell myself but it doesn't always help
13 Oct 2014 07:39
I dreamt we frolicked naked among the butter sculptures at the state fair
08 Oct 2014 08:43
Am I supposed to be doing something important?
17 Jul 2014 19:36
I have this terrible habit of not being a wealthy divorcee.
30 May 2014 07:54
If any of you guys ever need anything, and I do mean anything...no
07 Apr 2014 07:39
Sorry I'm such an adorable bitch.
11 Feb 2014 04:53
Valentine's Day gift idea: a boquet of breakfast burritos
05 Feb 2014 05:44
Wednesday is cancelled. Everyone can go back to bed
24 Nov 2013 05:35
I have a feeling something is missing this Sunday morning. I have a craving or a yearning or a hunger for something, maybe it's tater tots.
22 Nov 2013 07:24
Of course there are no stupid questions. Why would you even ask me that? Moron.
10 Nov 2013 09:17
06 Nov 2013 04:44
Who delivers decent mac and cheese before 7am in Texas? PM me with the info, thanks.
04 Nov 2013 06:12
Desperate to know men's opinions on boobs, I joined lush. Boobs. That's why we're all here, isn't it?
03 Nov 2013 01:08
Fall back! Unless you're drunk. Stumble around and fall forward flat on your face or something.
31 Oct 2013 03:24
My bastarding bed doesn't want to sleep with me.
18 Aug 2013 21:22
I'm sleepy and I want to be spooned by the night breeze, its fingers in my hair.
15 Dec 2012 13:53
excessively avoiding moderation
08 Dec 2012 11:54
funny how hearts are just the right size to fit in a person's hand. so squeezable.