Forum posts made by lavaman56

Topic I am seriously struggling with my fidelity.
Posted 31 Jul 2015 20:54

I thought it was brave of you to post something this personal in this particular forum. I hope the jokes didnt upset you.

Lavaman, I can't imagine what it must be like to watch your wife get sick. I would agree with Sprite about a hooker and/or Mysteria about sex toys. You're not going to make an emotional attachment with either of those choices and your wife wouldn't have to know about either of them. It's nobody elses business but your own what you do. If you go with the girlfriend Idea, personally I think it might make the whole thing even harder, you will have feelings of guilt on top of what you already feel.

Some people are going to say going to a Pro for sex is being unfaithful. Maybe it is, maybe it's not, but I've never seen a problem with it and I can see only good in having a few here and there around the community. IF you think paying a sex worker is going to be something that will make you feel guilty, I still think it's a better option than having a girlfriend.

Please remember if you do pay for sex, you HAVE to take precautions. It's a no brainer.

Whatever you decide, I hope it makes you happy. Good luck.

I knew the risk for posting in an open forum might bring about some derision. However, I also was hoping to get some good advice from strangers that don't know me. I have certainly gotten that and I thank all of you for it.

Topic I am seriously struggling with my fidelity.
Posted 31 Jul 2015 20:49

Cancer therapy is a real bitch. The treatments for most cancers amount to an attempt to kill the cancer without killing the patient. Radiation and chemo both have awful side effects (focused high intensity radiation methods like the cyberknife seem to have fewer side effects). It's an awful disease: I had to escort my mother through that journey. It sucked. You do it because it has to be done.

Being the support for the patient takes its toll, too. I couldn't find the resources to maintain my relationship with my S.O. and establish a new relationship.

I like Sprite's suggestion a lot: find a sex worker who can take care of your physical needs if you must. For your own emotional needs (and you do have them) lean on your family and friends. doG bless you both as you walk this path.

I certainly agree with you about the resources to establish a new relationship. Time is my number one enemy right now. Even if that wasn't the case, I certainly wouldn't go that route.

Topic I am seriously struggling with my fidelity.
Posted 31 Jul 2015 20:45

I know this is the girl's forum, and I'm sorry for intruding (but maybe this should have been posted in the more general relationship advice section, anyway).

I'm in something of a similar situation. My wife is not dying, doesn't have cancer, but she's never been very sexual because of childhood abuse by a family member. It's not her fault. Nor is it mine. It's just a shitty situation that is out of both our control. I don't try to pressure her to just 'get over it,' even though it happened years ago. That's not how these things work.

Being in a sexless marriage really sucks - something I think some of the harsher commenters may not understand. Just because your spouse has lost their sex-drive doesn't mean yours has dried up, too. You can begin to resent your partner, not just because they're not having sex with you, but they are preventing you from having any kind of sex. Of course, rationally, you know this is not something they've done deliberately, or that they have any control over. Then you start to think maybe you're an asshole for feeling this way, and something is wrong with you morally (certainly not helped by some of the comments here) because you can't manage to kill your instinctual drive for sex.

Let's be honest - it really isn't fair for you to have to give up your sexuality, to deny an essential part of yourself, because your partner has lost their drive for whatever reason. It's unfair, and a lot to ask for from a partner - whatever the circumstances. So let's acknowledge that even though your wife is struggling with her own issues - my guess is that she is also unhappy about the situation, probably feels a lot of guilt and shame herself, in addition to the medical problems - you yourself are making a large personal sacrifice to be with your wife. To be clear, this situation is also unfair to your wife. She didn't ask for it any more than you did. Compassion, empathy, understanding should go both ways in my opinion.

That said, yes, sacrifice and compromise are conditions of love. You have to put the relationship first. I can't speak for your particular situation, but I identify with you when you said you know an affair would be crushing to your wife, even if she gave you permission. To mine as well. And because I do love her, I refuse to do that to her. Instead, we talk about it. We acknowledge there's a problem, and we figure out ways to deal with it, while recognizing that it's not an ideal situation. For us, it means that I take care of my own needs, and she gives me privacy to do that. In return, I don't break her trust by engaging in sexual relationships, either real or virtual (to me, cyber-sex is the same as cheating, so I don't). Our marriage is worth that much to us, that we can compromise so that both of our needs are at least partly met instead of making it an all or nothing arrangement, where only one person is satisfied, and the other has to give in.

My advice, which I probably have no right to give, is to work on strengthening your non-sexual intimacy with your partner. If you're always focused on what you can't have, you'll fall into resentment. Instead, look at what's still good in your marriage (from the sounds of it, plenty). Secondly, give yourself some space to explore your own fantasies (I'm not advocating for cheating - but ultimately that's your choice to make). One thing that I've found helpful to me, is to write stories for this site. The act of writing has allowed me to look into some parts of my own sexuality, and really take time to fully 'flesh' them out (so to speak) in my imagination. Additionally, I've found that publishing these stories, and getting feedback from other users has been validating in a way that masturbating to porn is not. Knowing that other people have reacted to these stories, been turned on by them, and agree that what I find sexy is in fact sexy, has been helpful or therapeutic or something.

In any case, you shouldn't be made to feel ashamed that you have a sexual side that is going unfulfilled at home. Just find a way to cope with it that is not damaging to your partner or yourself, and be aware that other couples have experienced similar problems.

I'm not new to lush, but I am to posting in the forums. I didn't really know where to post, but you have touched on several things that have gone through my mind. Thank you for the understanding and the lack of shaming.

One thing in particular that I have often thought about, prior to this situation, is writing my own stories. You have given some good reasons to pursue that.

Topic I am seriously struggling with my fidelity.
Posted 19 Jul 2015 00:34

EDITED FOR ELEGANCE

Steph

(Actually, TURN IT AROUND... YOU are struggling WITH THE TERRIFYING FEAR OF DEATH and your WIFE says, "Yeah I know you're busy with your own deal but do you mind if I go get FUCKED in the meanwhile?")

Jesus LOVE your wife.

ACTUALLY FUCK ELEGANCE...

If I was holding my wife's hand while SHE WAS FUCKING DYING I think I'd have BIGGER concerns than my LIBIDO... ("MIND if I get a QUICK meaningless fuck while YOU die?")

SHAME ON YOU!

You should HAVE SEEN the ORIGINAL post!
(I TONED IT DOWN!!!)

"In Sickness And In Health..."

Good GOD how HORRIBLE some people are!

I'm NOT NORMALLY this UNKIND.

(But I Call It As I See It...)




I never said she was dying (she is not), but I get your point.

Topic I am seriously struggling with my fidelity.
Posted 19 Jul 2015 00:31

Well I guess I expected a little more reading comprehension from a site based on reading. Most of you got that, but clearly others struggled. I was not looking for sympathy (as I clearly stated), but more looking for ways to be stronger. With suggestions from people who might have been through it. My aim is to make her happy.

Thank you all for commenting, though. Even the harsh statements made me think.

For the record, I have been in open relationships before and if the roles were reversed, I wouldn't mind. However, my first priority is her happiness. Sorry if I didn't make that clear enough.

Topic I am seriously struggling with my fidelity.
Posted 18 Jul 2015 11:51

I know this is in Ask the Gals, however I couldn't help but respond. This sounds like a question for Dan Savage. He gets stuff like this all the time.

Check out his column....
And/or his podcast....

Consider emailing or calling in with your question. He might respond to you. Or you may find an answer to the same question in his archives.

Thanks. I will check it out.

Topic I am seriously struggling with my fidelity.
Posted 18 Jul 2015 11:50

If you are certain that she would be crushed, then be a mensch, and find some sexier stories to read here... mine perhaps! True love is sacrifice. Sometimes less. Sometimes more.

It wouldn't be the first time I've read your stories, but I have yet to dig deep. Will do and thanks for commenting.

Topic Copy and paste from ask the gals board. I need to get laid, but my wife has cancer.
Posted 17 Jul 2015 20:38

My beautiful, gorgeous and ridiculously sexy wife has cancer, which has eliminated all of her sex drive. I love her more than anything in the world, but cannot seem to take the edge off anymore by "taking care of myself" (although Lush comes very close to helping). I am not looking for sympathy, but would be open to suggestions that can prolong my strength.

Has anyone been through this before? If so, how did you cope? She has mentioned me getting a girlfriend, but I am certain she would be crushed. Hurting her is not an option, for me. Please don't condemn me for asking these questions, as many online posters have a proclivity for. I play music as a side job and have had many, many opportunities over the years, but have never succumb to the temptation. So, my will is good, but I'm getting weak.

I'm not sure what I'm saying/asking...

Help me.

Topic Do you like funny girls?
Posted 17 Jul 2015 20:36

A girl who is funny certainly makes her more attractive.

Topic I am seriously struggling with my fidelity.
Posted 17 Jul 2015 20:29

My beautiful, gorgeous and ridiculously sexy wife has cancer, which has eliminated all of her sex drive. I love her more than anything in the world, but cannot seem to take the edge off anymore by "taking care of myself" (although Lush comes very close to helping). I am not looking for sympathy, but would be open to suggestions that can prolong my strength.

Has anyone been through this before? If so, how did you cope? She has mentioned me getting a girlfriend, but I am certain she would be crushed. Hurting her is not an option, for me. Please don't condemn me for asking these questions, as many online posters have a proclivity for. I play music as a side job and have had many, many opportunities over the years, but have never succumb to the temptation. So, my will is good, but I'm getting weak.

I'm not sure what I'm saying/asking...

Help me.

Topic Have you ever fucked two different people in a day?
Posted 09 Mar 2014 19:46

Yes, several times. Having been in open relationships and threesomes.

Topic Do you like women skinny, slim, or curvy
Posted 23 Feb 2014 19:26

Yes, to all of those. Some men have preferences that are one of those specifically. However, I happen to find girls of all types attractive. Having "heat" is the most important characteristic to finding someone attractive, in my honest opinion.

Topic Favorite Lush Category
Posted 04 Nov 2013 19:26

Group sex, swapping and BDSM are my favorites, but I definitely like almost all types except incest.

People like what they like and I'm not judging that, though I must admit, I've been a bit surprised by how many people are interested in the incest stories.

3some

Topic Would you like your partner to pull your panties/thong to one side and make love to you in public
Posted 14 Oct 2012 09:33

Being an avid camper, I have done this a few times each, with a few different lovers, in various degrees of exposure. I remember every single experience vividly. There is something about being outside that lends to the excitement of it all. I agree with the sentiments of most who have commented here, that there is a line that can be crossed, where it goes from extremely hot to rude and vulgar.

Topic Girls,What's your favourite Dirty & Explicit Song/Songs?;)
Posted 14 Oct 2012 09:08

I wrote a song called "Make Up Sex" . It's about the parallels between sex and music. You know anticipation, build up, crescendo, legato, staccato. I changed the name to "The Metaphor" for a song writing contest.

I play music in bars every weekend and "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D never fails to impress. "Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen (and covered by every musician ever, including me) is a song about orgasms. Just listen to the lyrics and you'll get it. I also play "Sex On Fire", "Use Somebody" and "Molly's Chambers" all by Kings Of Leon. Also the following:
Closer - NIN
The Most Beautiful Girl In The Room - Flight of the Conchords
One Way Out - The Allman Brothers

Not to mention many other songs and most songs are at least a prelude to sex.

Except maybe death metal.

Topic do guys really care about boob size more than everything else?
Posted 02 Oct 2012 18:02

No, not all of us do. I think a woman who is sexual is hot. Someone who gives off heat. Not everyone who is good looking does that.

Topic Nymphomaniac strikes again - every man's fantasy?
Posted 18 Aug 2012 20:59

I once came 13 times in one day. My girlfriend at the time was insatiable. It wasn't torture in any way shape or form. I was 24 and I will remember that day for the next 50 years! Mind blowing sex all day.

Topic How did you first discover you liked reading sex stories?
Posted 18 Aug 2012 20:32

My father had an extensive collection of Penthouse and Playboy magazines that I discovered when I was 12. Well actually, I knew that they were there before then, but I "discovered" that they were "there" * at 12. I've been hooked ever since.

Topic Block Party!
Posted 18 Aug 2012 20:27

I went to a block party today that was filled with beautiful people and sexual inuedo. Such a display of female scenery and activities going. Unfortunately, we had to leave early. I am remiss that we missed the best part.

Topic Do you think the world will end Dec 21, 2012 like the Mayan Calendar suggests?
Posted 18 Aug 2012 19:58



Well I've put a 20$ bet on with a bookie that it WILL...... On GREAT odds!!!!!!

(So here's hoping......)


(Actually, I suddenly see a flaw in what I've done there...... Shit......)

xx ST



That was awesome!