Topic I am seriously struggling with my fidelity.
31 Jul 2015 20:45
I know this is the girl's forum, and I'm sorry for intruding (but maybe this should have been posted in the more general relationship advice section, anyway).
I'm in something of a similar situation. My wife is not dying, doesn't have cancer, but she's never been very sexual because of childhood abuse by a family member. It's not her fault. Nor is it mine. It's just a shitty situation that is out of both our control. I don't try to pressure her to just 'get over it,' even though it happened years ago. That's not how these things work.
Being in a sexless marriage really sucks - something I think some of the harsher commenters may not understand. Just because your spouse has lost their sex-drive doesn't mean yours has dried up, too. You can begin to resent your partner, not just because they're not having sex with you, but they are preventing you from having any kind of sex. Of course, rationally, you know this is not something they've done deliberately, or that they have any control over. Then you start to think maybe you're an asshole for feeling this way, and something is wrong with you morally (certainly not helped by some of the comments here) because you can't manage to kill your instinctual drive for sex.
Let's be honest - it really isn't fair for you to have to give up your sexuality, to deny an essential part of yourself, because your partner has lost their drive for whatever reason. It's unfair, and a lot to ask for from a partner - whatever the circumstances. So let's acknowledge that even though your wife is struggling with her own issues - my guess is that she is also unhappy about the situation, probably feels a lot of guilt and shame herself, in addition to the medical problems - you yourself are making a large personal sacrifice to be with your wife. To be clear, this situation is also unfair to your wife. She didn't ask for it any more than you did. Compassion, empathy, understanding should go both ways in my opinion.
That said, yes, sacrifice and compromise are conditions of love. You have to put the relationship first. I can't speak for your particular situation, but I identify with you when you said you know an affair would be crushing to your wife, even if she gave you permission. To mine as well. And because I do love her, I refuse to do that to her. Instead, we talk about it. We acknowledge there's a problem, and we figure out ways to deal with it, while recognizing that it's not an ideal situation. For us, it means that I take care of my own needs, and she gives me privacy to do that. In return, I don't break her trust by engaging in sexual relationships, either real or virtual (to me, cyber-sex is the same as cheating, so I don't). Our marriage is worth that much to us, that we can compromise so that both of our needs are at least partly met instead of making it an all or nothing arrangement, where only one person is satisfied, and the other has to give in.
My advice, which I probably have no right to give, is to work on strengthening your non-sexual intimacy with your partner. If you're always focused on what you can't have, you'll fall into resentment. Instead, look at what's still good in your marriage (from the sounds of it, plenty). Secondly, give yourself some space to explore your own fantasies (I'm not advocating for cheating - but ultimately that's your choice to make). One thing that I've found helpful to me, is to write stories for this site. The act of writing has allowed me to look into some parts of my own sexuality, and really take time to fully 'flesh' them out (so to speak) in my imagination. Additionally, I've found that publishing these stories, and getting feedback from other users has been validating in a way that masturbating to porn is not. Knowing that other people have reacted to these stories, been turned on by them, and agree that what I find sexy is in fact sexy, has been helpful or therapeutic or something.
In any case, you shouldn't be made to feel ashamed that you have a sexual side that is going unfulfilled at home. Just find a way to cope with it that is not damaging to your partner or yourself, and be aware that other couples have experienced similar problems.
I'm not new to lush, but I am to posting in the forums. I didn't really know where to post, but you have touched on several things that have gone through my mind. Thank you for the understanding and the lack of shaming.
One thing in particular that I have often thought about, prior to this situation, is writing my own stories. You have given some good reasons to pursue that.