About RoseOfDesires


I am an 18 year old MTF transsexual who is still undergoing he process. I hope for surgery in the near future as I hate my body. I will not cyber with random people, and especially those who wish me to play as a tranny or worse, a male. I'm here on Lush to write stories, to be in an environment where I can truly be myself, and to explore my sexuality as I hunt for the feminine sexual pleasures that are forbidden to me. My interests and tastes rapidly change from becoming obsessed to repulsed to confused and back again, and its all part of the conflict between my morals and my desire for a pleasure I cannot have.

Besides wanting to be a woman, my other wish is to be a mother. I know I'll never be able to be a true mother, as I can never bear a child of my own. There has only been 2 successful womb-implants to date (that I know of) and not a single MTF transsexual woman has lived through child-birth. At the moment, I've only partly succeeded on my motherly goals. I have a daughter in name only, as her real mother does not even fill her role in the slightest. I'm elated to be her mother and we love each other dearly. There is no secret or thought that I keep from her, as in order to keep this relationship alive I need to be as honest with her as I possibly can.

I may never undergo the full surgery to remove my cock and gain a pussy, for many reasons. The main one being both me and my daughter fear for my life as there have been many fatal failures in that department. The other is I fear that by getting one, I lose the potential for any form of pleasure down there, I'd rather not risk my life just to lose something, just to end up becoming abstinent.

Relationship Status:
Local Time:
25 Apr 2018 07:48
I enjoy walking, it helps me think over problems. I contribute my knowledge of what I want in terms of gender and sexuality to thinking while walking. Sometimes I think about how to solve a problem my daughter has come across. Or I could spend the walk fantasizing about getting fucked senseless. At other times when none of the above topics strikes me, I drift towards science and start creating theories out of thin air for fun. The topics that frequently occur are: astro-physics, quantum-physics, the nature of the universe, the causes of transsexuality and the causes of other psychological problems.
Favorite Books:
My favourite book so far would have to be Self by Yann Martel, purely because I connected with it in such a way that I've never before experienced in any other book. Besides that, other books that I've really enjoyed: Dirty (and) Broken by Megan Hart, Discovery of Witches (all-souls trilogy) by Deborah Harkness, Healer by Carol Cassella, Tiger Eye (and) Eye of Heaven by Marjorie M. Liu and finally A Cup of Comfort for Mothers (compiled) by Colleen Sell.
Favorite Music:
Anything Jazz. Marionette Purple by Daisuke Ishiwatari, Tank by The Seatbelts, Waffle Jazz by Trondor (good luck finding it) and Now You Has Jazz by Cole Porter just to name a few.


Date Joined:
25 Jun 2013
Last Visit:
16 Aug 2013
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Topic: Cuts and gashes inside ass.
Posted: 03 Aug 2013 22:35

That I'll do then, doctor here I come. It just seemed odd how it was only lubrication that made me burn, and not anything else, so I never thought it could have been a cut until just recently. And I have a psychologist, it is a requirement and I can't get any further on my path without one.

Topic: Cuts and gashes inside ass.
Posted: 03 Aug 2013 21:32

A few years ago a popcorn seed shell gave me a gash on the inside of my ass and still hasn't healed. Ever since then I haven't been able to use lubrication because it burns with an intense pain. I've been able to use anal toys dry to an extent with water, but I still find myself bleeding at the end of it and I'm very certain it isn't safe or healthy by any standards. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to heal it up somehow?

Topic: How kinky are you? TEST
Posted: 03 Aug 2013 19:54

Grats! You're 74% kinky!

Topic: Let's Talk About Dreams
Posted: 03 Aug 2013 19:31

I have had 2 nightmares repeatedly throughout my life, sometimes they will happen two or three times in one night if I wake up. I couldn't describe them no matter how hard I tried! They're very strange and from what I remember about them in the morning they aren't actually scary. They just panic me for some reason. All I remember from one of the nightmares is simply a featureless face moving back and forth. I've dreamed of that since I was very little.

Your nightmares that you can't remember are called "Night Terrors" or Sleep Terror Disorder. What happens is something that you are visualizing in deep sleep instigates your instinctual fight or flight response involuntarily and you become scared and panic trying to get away from whatever you saw. Some of the potential causes that I can figure out are ... genetic, too much caffeine, fevers, lack of sleep, medication and/or drugs, anxiety, phobias, post-traumatic stress disorder, stimulants before bed, jet lag, sleeping somewhere new, stressful life events or changes (like marriage) and something touching you in while you are in the deepest part of your sleep, non-REM sleep (rem=rapid eye movement). Apparently the longer you stay in non-rem sleep the more terror you feel during the episode.

While most children outgrow it by the age 10, it is still possible for adults to experience them.

Some remedies are ... unwinding before sleep, like a warm bath or a nice book. Cool down, a high room and body temperature just exacerbates the event. Fall asleep listening to soothing music. Herbal remedies, like chamomile and finally essential oils like lavender, but make sure the scent stays around till morning.

Hope that helps even if the help wasn't necessary, the remedies can still be used for everyone with nightmares, so please abuse them!

As for me, I don't dream often. In childhood however, I dreamed of "The Shadow", a walking shadow of a man who would come and try to suffocate me ... I think. Maybe it was just him keeping me quiet for some reason or both, but he occurred numerous times a night for many years. The other nightmares were of my stuffies coming alive and attacking me, the never ending hallway that seemed to stretch forever and blast with impassible wind and where my mothers door would always remain locked or blocked. The worst part of them was I thought they were real every time, I never actually remember laying down in bed to go asleep. I could also tell when a dream would occur, as before I went to sleep my vision was accompanied by what I called at the time as "a million little arrows flying across my face" where now I think of it as "old school t.v. static". I can even remember the night my nightmares started happening, I was going to go to sleep on the couch in the living room when I decided to eat some Bugles. The moment I did I had a vision or a hallucination of two "beings" fighting above me in the air. My memory fails me on whether or not they were good and bad beings or whether or not one of them won. I keep thinking to this day that the bad being won but that could be just a false memory and it feels more plausible that they just disappeared in the midst of their fight.

I don't record my dreams, but I know that it is a training process for lucid dreaming, where you can control your dreams to a certain extent and it feels vividly real.

Topic: Name A Must See Movie Before You Die
Posted: 02 Aug 2013 22:48

The Incredibles

A very well done movie, even when one looks at it in scrutiny.

Topic: Up the ass crack G-String gets u horny?
Posted: 01 Aug 2013 18:18

Am I one of the only ones who actually enjoys the feel of tight thongs or g-string rubbing against my butt-hole? It's an added bonus to watching the eyes of men follow the sway of my hips.

Topic: Do you ever wish you had a cock?
Posted: 01 Aug 2013 18:16

Why would any girl want to have a cock? Cocks are noisy in the morning.
Your lace panties will get torn, I've given up on wearing them, all of mine have cock-holes.
Thongs and g-string will be difficult to wear in public, they won't keep your cock in place.
Only form-fitting and control panties really work, and it gets REALLY hot, sweaty and itchy down there. You won't be able to concentrate on anything.
With skinny jeans, it'll be hard to relieve any itch or change the position of your cock once it gets hard.
No more prancing at the beach in a bikini!
No more wearing really tight or short dresses, or loose skirts that cling.
Why would we unleash a load of cum on someone else when we want the cum to ourselves?
I've been a firm believer that a girl's pussy grants her more pleasure than a man's cock does. I mean, a higher chance of multiple orgasms and the ability to take in multiple cocks at once? Damn my trans-sexuality ... why couldn't I be born female?

I will say this though, men are lucky. A pussy is a pussy and one pussy is as good as any other. For us girls, we have to find that one cock between the endless reign of fugly cocks.

Unless you're lesbian.

Topic: Favourite Games
Posted: 31 Jul 2013 23:46

I haven't played a board game in a long time ... though my favourite was either Risk or Sharp Shooters. Sharp Shooters was a game with dice sort of like Yahtzee, you never actually shoot anything.

In terms of other games ...

I enjoy Magic the Gathering the trading card game a lot, though the amount I have to spend on the cards to make decks win at the Friday Night tournaments easily overcomes the accumulative price on all of the clothes I have bought. A single deck can easily be worth $200-$700.

I was always a childhood fan of solitaire and its many forms. I can complete a single game of Montana in about 5 minutes.

I enjoy the occasional game of Texas Hod'em, though it's been ages since I last played.

Played a lot of video games and there was never really anything that I hated, besides maybe going online with Call of Duty and having to listen to all the whiny brats on there. That and I won't play sports games. Other than those I can pretty much play anything.
Here is a "small" list of "some" of my favourites.

Blaz Blue (series)
Kingdom Hearts (series)
Ratchet and Clank (series)
Disgaea (series)
Fire Emblem (series)
Smash Bros (series)
Warlords Battlecry (series)
Earth 2150 (series)
Chrono Trigger
Batman Gotham City Impostors
Evil Genius
Team Fortress 2

Topic: If you could only eat one candy for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Posted: 31 Jul 2013 22:55

Dad's Goodie Rings, chewy chocolate covered coconut, raisin and oatmeal cookies. Never before has a cookie tasted soo good.

Topic: Incest stories vs all other genres
Posted: 27 Jul 2013 21:42

I personally believe a large contribution to this is mainly because of the intimacy during incest. You can't capture the intimate relationships between family in a porn movie as well as you can on story. An important component to incest in my opinion is the characters feelings towards the situation, and you can't really capture that during a movie or a quick video. Another thing is because a majority of the actors aren't even related, so even if they try and act it out, it won't feel like the same thing. It'll be a rare day when parent and child or a couple of siblings both agree to go through a porn route, and one that will be popular.

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Happy Birthday from the Lush team.
01 Jan 2014 00:20
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