The next morning I was both afraid and embarrassed to leave my room. I didn't know how I was going to face Melissa and I was worried about how things were going to change between us.
As I lay in bed worrying about these things, there was a knock at my bedroom door.
"I'm coming in," Melissa informed, not asked. There was an awkward moment between us, but she came over to my bed and sat on the edge.
"Listen, I'm sorry about last night. I was harsh and I shouldn't have been. It's just that I put so much work into trying to get you and Victoria together and when I realized that my time was wasted I got angry."
I was still embarrassed, but I felt the sincerity in her voice.
"You know that I'm new to all of this, I didn't know about Victoria's...'preference', it didn't occur to me at all. It's not something that I even thought to think about. I was so worried and focused on the little things..."
"Not ALL the 'little things'," she joked glancing down towards my penis.
I turned beet red.
"Aww, I'm sorry. It was just a little joke. Oops, sorry I didn't mean 'little' joke, I meant silly! It was just a silly joke!"
"It's not funny!" I said probably revealing my bruised ego.
"I'm trying to apologize here, don't get pissy with me! Listen, I'm sorry about last night. In my defense, I worked so hard to set things up with Victoria and I was so happy for you! My virgin friend from high school was going to get his first bit of pussy, and it was going to be with a model no less! And then you dropped your pants I knew that I'd been wasting my time. I was furious and my anger got the best of me. Anyway, I'm sorry and I hope we can still be friends?"
"Of course Melissa! I owe you so much and I want to thank you for everything that you did to help me, not just with Victoria but everything since we've been friends. Don't feel too bad about me not losing my virginity though, as I said last night it was just a first date - it's not like we were going to do it."
"Actually, you were."
"What?"
"I kinda mighta told Victoria that you were a virgin."
"WHAT? Who else knows?" I was in a bit of a panic.
"Calm down, just Victoria. I had to tell her so she took it easy on you and didn't 'spook' you being as aggressive as she normally is. She's never been a guy's first and thought that it was hot. She was totally going to fuck you after the concert. Her parents are at the cottage for the weekend, you probably would have been getting it all weekend long."
My heart sank thinking of the possibilities and missed the opportunity of a lifetime.
"Well, maybe it's not too late...if she thought it was hot then maybe she'd still be into it..." I was scrambling.
Melissa looked down towards where my groin area was under the sheets. "No Grey, it's not going to happen. Not now, not ever. Not with her," she said matter of factly.
The realization was crushing to me. I can't believe that I had a chance to have sex with one of the most beautiful women I'd ever seen in my life. Not only was that not going to happen, but now she also knew that I was a virgin. I was going to be embarrassed around her and have to worry about her telling our other friends too.
Melissa interrupted my thoughts.
"As much as I am sorry, you need to understand that wasn't trying to be mean to you Grey. I'm actually looking out for you. Isn't it better that what happened last night happened between us and not between you and Victoria? You would have been SO humiliated if you pulled that thing out for her. A normal girl would have been put off, but Victoria is used to huge black cocks. She was willing to go with you being a virgin, but a small penis too? No way. She assumed you must have had a big cock, we both did - why else would you go for a girl like that? However embarrassed you were with me, trust me - I saved you from much worse from her."
"I suppose so." I paused to reflect for a moment. "I thought that she was such a nice girl though, she seemed different from the others."
"She is a nice girl, don't judge her because she loves big cocks. Just because she's nice doesn't mean that she doesn't want to really feel it when she's getting fucked. Being a size Queen and nice aren't mutually exclusive, Victoria is both."
I was afraid to ask but couldn't prevent myself. "Is mine really that small?"
"Well, it's not tiny but umm...it isn't exactly big either."
"Average?" I asked hopefully.
"No, it's smaller than average. It's "cute". That's better than gross, right? Maybe one day you'll find a woman who doesn't mind little penises or something?"
"Why are you calling it my 'penis' now? When you were charting my orgasm control you always called it either my 'cock' or my 'dick', but since you saw it last night you've only referred to it as my penis. How come?"
"Huh, I didn't notice really. It's subconscious I guess. 'Cock' is something that I crave, I want 'cock'. I want to get fucked by a 'cock'. I want to suck a 'cock'. I associate 'cock' with something that I lust after. In my mind 'cocks' are big. 'Dick' I guess is average. You know, like sometimes if a guy is cool I'll suck his 'dick' or let him stick his 'dick' in me. Penis is something else, like non-sexual. There's nothing really desirable about a 'penis', it's just a thing. No woman has ever said, "I can't wait get rammed by that penis." Penises are just kinda there, definitely not for fucking."
I think that Melissa's mind drifted a bit as she got caught up in her answer to my question and forgot that she was actually talking about me before she snapped back to the present.
"Oh but umm, like I said I'm sure that some girls don't mind penises. I've also heard that sex isn't all that important to some women, like a churchy girl or something?"
Her attempt to make me feel better fell flat.
"Or maybe you can get a penis pump, maybe they work?" After pausing for a minute she added "Notice how it's not called a cock pump or a dick pump? It's the penises that need the help!"
It was another blow to my ego, but I had to laugh.
---
Over the next few weeks, things more or less returned to normal between Melissa and I. The one most notable change was how much more open she was about talking about her sex life with me. She was never exactly shy about it, but now she was going into detail like she never had before. When we went out to the club we played a game she called 'Cock or Dick'. She'd point out a guy that she'd slept with and I had to guess if they had a cock or a dick. She didn't have sex with penises so that was never an option. Often playing the game would end up with her telling me all out her encounter with the guy and after I while I realized that was the true purpose of the game. It was an excuse for her to tell me about her wild fuck sessions with all these different guys. Other times when she brought a guy home it became a regular morning-after ritual for her to tell me all about what they'd done the night before - as if I hadn't been listening to them and beating off the whole time. I eventually asked her why she was suddenly more expressive about her sex life with me.
"Well, now that I know about your penis situation I figured that sex for you is probably just going to be masturbation - not real sex - so I'm trying to help you out, give you something to think about when you whack it."
She was pitying me, and the worst part was that it was I needed it. My favourite times to masturbate were either when I listened to her fucking a guy in the room next to me, or the following day after when she'd tell me all about it. I'd let her give me all the juicy details then wait for what I thought was a respectable amount of time after our talk and head to my room and jerk off. Apparently, I hadn't been as subtle as I thought that I was.
"You're blushing!"
She could see how embarrassed I was. Not only that, but her words about how sex for me was going to be masturbation hurt, because I had a deepening feeling that she was right.