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Space Camping

Strange, unworldly things can happen when you are out of your element...

We were far, far away, deep inside a neighboring galaxy. Our mission was to explore and discover, chart the uncharted, and identify and exploit any resources that we deemed valuable for us back home. Our space agency’s intel was consistent. No life existed on this planet.

The intel was wrong.


This alien female held my head between her parted appendages, four or five, I think. She did not look like us, she did not smell like us, but she seemed to seduce like us. Her predatory club-like behavior was familiar to me. I concluded she wanted me to pleasure her.

My landing crew was being held under duress. They had weapons, but so did our captors. We were not in Kansas anymore. So, I felt my best move was to comply. I had to buy time to figure out a way to escape.

If they called it a vagina, it would be a coincidence. But it did look like one and had a pleasant, alluring aroma. Except for her reddish-brown skin, her vagina was pink. It too was familiar.

Her soft folds of skin were warm, very similar to labia. But they moved in a mesmerizing, wave-like formation, similar to how a cuttlefish moves along the ocean floor. There also appeared to be a pleasure zone, like a clitoris, that this alien female kept touching with her claw-like hand.

When she touched it, it discharged a fine mist that gave that region a pleasant aroma. She also made a disconcerting growl, like a cat makes when watching a trespassing feline in its yard. She then abruptly smacked my head, as if to see if I was still there. She wanted me to start.

I lowered my mouth on her moving folds. I tried to hold onto to one with my lips, but an angrier growl erupted from inside. I quickly released it. I thought it best not to tease her with my teeth.

I proceeded to lick one side and then the other. Her body began to vibrate and I now heard a purring sound.


Captain Jane T. Kurt can pleasure any female in the Universe, I proudly thought.

As I moved my tongue closer to where she had previously touched, her purring grew louder. When I licked her there, I felt her mist on my face. With both claws on my head, she then pushed down with more force. Her purring got louder so intuitively, experience told me this was the correct course of action.

But something was wrong.

Something was very, very wrong.

I began to sense numbness in parts of my body. My arms and legs were becoming limp and I could no longer move them. I now only felt surface pressure and the beat of my own heart.

I struggled to hold up my head. I surmised that this alien female’s mist must be a neurotoxin, similar to that of a Cane Toad. When my face fell onto her vaginal opening, I realized things were worse.

It was opening.

I had not been pleasuring her. I had been preparing her for her prey.

And that prey was me.

I surmised that this devious creature lures its prey and then the prey triggers more of the neurotoxin to be released themselves. Damn smart lady. I now began mentally preparing myself to be eaten.

The alien moved my arms against my body and then pushed my legs together. She was preparing my body, like a crocodile or anaconda does, when it swallows its prey head first. She was preparing to swallow me whole.

I felt her prehensile labia move up the sides of my face like a horses lips smack on an apple. I could see how she was opening herself in preparation for her large human meal.

I couldn’t move. I couldn’t yell. And I could no longer see because that part of my head was now inside her dark body.

After all the battles we have waged, both at home and in the galaxies we have travelled, I thought this was a really shitty way for a space ship captain to die.

When I felt my head pop inside her body and her opening wrap around my neck, I knew it was just a matter of time. I no longer had oxygen to breath, and my esophagus was collapsing, so I would probably loose consciousness in a few moments. That was the one saving grace. I would not feel the agonizing pain of being digested by this alien beast.

I began gasping for air. It was unpleasant, but I knew it would be over soon.

I felt dizzy.

I was fading.

I was almost gone.

But then…I felt my body moving. Someone, or something, was grabbing me, possibly trying to save me!

My crew must have managed to escape and were here to rescue me. I felt the pressure on my head lessen and I saw light again.

I could breathe!


“Wake-up. Wake-up.”

I felt my body rocking back and forth. I opened my eyes and saw my girlfriend looking at me with her headlamp shining directly into my eyes.

“Keep quiet you drunken fool. You’ll wake the whole campground.”


Oh my god, it was a dream!

“Your arms got caught under your body,” she told me as she unswaddled my carcass. I told you not to bring the small sleeping bag. It fits too much like a cocoon.”

I then began piecing together the puzzle.

“You started gasping for air. You were lying on your stomach, face down on your pillow. Good God Jane! Good thing I was still awake.”

She left my sleeping bag unzipped, giving me more room to turn and move. She then turned off her lamp and went to sleep. I laid there staring at the ceiling of our tent, still shaking from both traumatic experiences.

I was now afraid to go back to sleep. And I thought I would never look at another pussy the same way again.


The moral of the story: When camping, never mix weed and tequila while partying with scary biker chicks.

It WILL fuck you up!


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