We all have our “excuses”.
We all have our “regrets”.
And we all have our “If only” list.
As we get older our regrets take a higher and higher profile. Our “regrets” then outrank the “excuses” and the “If only” list. Regrets begin to creep up on us and take us by surprise. When we least expect it we stumble into a regret. When I stumble I often end up staring at 1984.
So let’s start with the “excuses”.
What were my excuses? Well I was incredibly young: sixteen to be exact. I was a very horny virgin. I was nervous. It happened so fast. It was what we would call back then a “quickie”. It meant nothing. No, I’m not kidding, it really meant nothing.
Pretty lame excuses.
What was my regret you ask?
Her name is Kristy Lee. Kristy Lee was my first “crush”, my first sexual obsession and my first “dream girl”. Kristy was everything to me. She was the first girl I fell in love with. She was the first girl I pictured in a white wedding dress. I can still picture Kristy in my mind like it was yesterday. For me Kristy will always be sixteen and she will always be beautiful.
So what was my “If only” you want to know.
Well her name was Eva-Jane.
The “If only” in life lies scattered everywhere. If only I had done this instead of that. If only I had left the house five minutes later. If only I had bought Google instead of Citibank. If only I had kept my mouth shut. If only I had been born rich. You get it right? Pretty much everyone has his or her own “If only” list. For most of us the list is pretty fucking long.
At sixteen we all dream of our first love and I was like that. I daydreamed all the time, especially about sex and love. I went to a large public high school in Ottawa, Canada. Frankly for me the start of grade nine was murder. But I dreamed of happiness “if only” I could be with Kristy Lee. There you go-- see-- another “If only.”
I was what you might call “bookish”, one of the “smart kids”. I loved movies and books. I was the moody boy reading Hemingway’s “The Sun Also Rises”, Salinger’s “Catcher in the Rye” and John Fowles’ “The Magus”. In my free time I would be in the basement zoning out to Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon” and imagining my brilliant future.
I was a movie nut back then and had no idea that later in life I would actually finance a movie that won several academy awards? Looking back at the movies I fell in love with in 1984 I’m almost sad for the teens of today. We went to see movies like “Ghostbusters”, “The Terminator”, “Sixteen Candles”, “Dune”, “Gremlins”, “Beverly Hills Cop”, “Footloose”, “Splash”, “Purple Rain” and “Against All Odds”. My god the list goes on.
I still remember how sweaty my hand felt holding Kristy’s watching “Sixteen Candles”. In a way we lived in a special time. If I could I would wish this upon every sixteen-year-old. We just took it for granted. I guess that’s the way every generation is. People take things for granted until they’re gone.
What was I up to? I was moodily gazing across the room in grade nine English classes staring at Kristy Lee’s breasts. This girl had me transfixed. I don’t think I had ever met an Asian before? Anyways I don’t remember any Asians before Kristy.
Kristy’s family was from Korea and she had been born in Busan. Kristy was sixteen like me. I thought she was the most beautiful girl in the world. Plus she was smarter than me. Kristy was number one and I was number two. That fact grated on me sometimes, but it also made me want to have sex with her even more. I have always been attracted to smart girls.
When Mr. Thompson would read out the three top scores the student who would be third would always vary depending on the test. I was always second and Kristy was always first. Did she notice me gazing at her? Well eventually she did. I was very shy and timid so things progressed slowly. She also came from an Asian family and obviously having a “boyfriend” was a big deal for her. Shit having a “girlfriend” or a “boyfriend” was a big deal for anyone in grade nine.
Kristy was about five-foot six and had long, straight black hair with cute bangs. Her eyes were quite slanted and her body was petite. Her breasts were small, but high and firm. They looked pretty big on her slim frame. I know because I spent a lot of time staring at them. Kristy’s ass looked amazing in tight jeans. I thought everything about her was sexy. I would masturbate night after night with visions of Kristy dancing in my brain. Other boys would try to get their dad’s Playboy magazine, but I only needed Kristy and my own imagination.
Kristy’s best friend was Eva-Jane. They say opposites attract. Well they must because these two girls were like opposites. Eva-Jane was blond and blue eyed to Kristy’s black hair and black eyes. Kristy was petite. Eva-Jane had filled out much sooner than other girls and her full C cups looked massive next to Kristy’s B chest. Eva-Jane was a good two inches taller than Kristy and her mom let her wear heels. Those heels added another inch. Kristy was super smart while Eva-Jane didn’t give a shit about school at all.
Kristy and I slowly became close. By the spring term I was secretly holding her hand and we had kissed. I walked her home. She would make me leave before her parents could see me from the window. My heart beat a million miles an hour the first time I told her “I love you.” I still remember how she giggled and smiled before blushing and running away. I had scared her, but she still liked it. I know.
How as I to comprehend women were Darwinian beasts just like men? How was I to realize that women liked to piss and mark their territory? How was I to suspect Eva-Jane had a brain full of drawers cluttered with knives ready to backstab even her best friend? Fuck I was sixteen. I didn’t have a clue about women. It was only much later that I would learn that the most attractive thing to women about a man was that other women desired him. In 1984 I had no idea.
Kristy loved to sing. She had a gorgeous mezzo-soprano voice. She signed up for the drama club production of “Jesus Christ Superstar.” I signed up and so did Eva-Jane. Now I can’t sing, but I would do anything to spend time with Kristy. I still remember how Kristy cried when she didn’t get the part of Mary Magdalene. Everyone thought it was because she was Asian. In hindsight I think that was true. The three of us ended up in the chorus and doing sets, but I was in heaven spending time with the girl I loved.
It happened in a blur so I’m just going to tell it like it was. It was after class. We were making set decorations for the musical. I was behind the stage resting. No one was around. Eva-Jane walked up to me wearing a grin. She came so close her perfume smelled sweet. She started to rub me. I couldn’t help it and got hard. She undid my belt without asking. Suddenly she had my cock in her hand.
I was confused, but didn’t tell her to stop. Eva pulled up her white peasant dress. She rubbed me against her slit. She was so wet. I remember being surprised. Suddenly I was inside her. It only took seconds. I was so scared Kristy would come and see us.
My body shuddered.
I hardly felt anything.
I squirted inside her.
That was it. A quickie.
It was my first time.
Eva-Jane grinned. Was it a wicked grin? No. She was only sixteen too.
I left the next year for Brussels when my dad accepted a job at NATO. Kristy sent one letter in reply to my hundreds. She didn’t say goodbye. I’ve never seen her since. I kept that single tattered letter for years. I lost it somewhere. I only remember one line from that letter.
“You broke my heart.”
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