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The Trials of First Love

First loves are always the hardest.
“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday sweet Anna, happy birthday to you,” seeped into my ears as my eyes opened to see my mother knelt beside my bed singing quietly off key. “Happy birthday my baby,” she said as I smiled at her and felt the world was in order.

She had woken me like this on my birthday as far back as I could remember. It was her thing and no one else’s, our special moment. When she rubbed my cheek and gave me a kiss as she stood I stretched and tossed my covers off.

“You better get a move on or you will be late,” she said tossing a soft package toward me. I sat up and tore into the paper.

What lay in my hands was a soft cashmere sweater in the lightest of blue colors. It was so soft, but warmed my hands. I looked up at her and smiled knowing just the uniform skirt to wear with it.

“Thanks Mom. It’s beautiful,” I said as I leaped off the bed and into her arms.

“I’m glad you like it since it screamed your name,” she said wrapping her arms around me and holding me tight.

When we released each other she made her way to the door, but as she reached it she turned back to me and said, “Sixteen, how am I to handle another sixteen year old?” I smiled at her and she smiled back as she shook her head and walked out.

I started to buzz around my room getting ready. I pulled out my white blouse and a plaid skirt with a hint of blue along the gray and white pattern. It was perfect match for my new sweater. When I opened my top drawer and looked down at what my mother called ‘my intimates,’ I had a sudden desire to be frilly. I reached into the back and pulled out a white lace bra and a black lacy thong. My mother did not want me wearing any thongs, but my boyfriend kept buying them for me and I liked the feel of the air on my naked bottom. With everything gathered I made my way to the bathroom for a hot shower.

I jumped into the shower, cleaned the night off, washed my hair and was out in a flash. I dried off and looked into the mirror. ‘I don’t look any different,’ I told myself, but I was sixteen now. I took note of any possible changes, but as I scanned down my five foot frame nothing had changed since last night. I still had bigger breast than most of the girls in my class, but they did not get any bigger; that was a relief. My stomach showed that I was athletic, but still ate. My hips were still flared out over muscular legs showing my Nordic heritage and my hair still hung down my back to my waist. I reached between my legs and nothing there had changed either. I did not have any extra folds or a larger clit, but now Jeremy could touch me and we did not have to worry. ‘No drastic physical changes to show I’m sixteen,’ I thought as I sighed.

After running a brush through my hair and pulling in into a loose braid I clasped my lacy bra on and pulled up my lace thong. When I buttoned my blouse I almost forgot to button it for home and giggled as I pulled my skirt up.

I could smell bacon cooking and almost turned to the kitchen, but remembered I needed my shoes and bag. I skipped to my room and retrieved them.

“Hurry, you’re late,” Mom hollered from the kitchen as I placed my bag by the front door.

The kitchen smelled wonderful; a mix of bacon, eggs and hash browns; a perfect marriage.

“Eat quickly, Jeremy will be here soon,” she said handed me my plate.

I ate my eggs so fast I barely tasted them, but with the bacon I savored each bite. I could have just had a plate of bacon, but that was not going to be the case. I had just put my plate in the sink and began to tie my shoes when I heard Jeremy honk.

“Mom I’m going,” I hollered into the kitchen.

“Have a good day and happy birthday Anna,” she yelled back.

I had my coat on, unbuttoned two buttons on my blouse and was out the door in a flash. Jeremy stood at the passenger door waiting for me. My lips had no choice but to smile at him.

Grasping his six foot frame I pulled myself up on my tiptoes and hugged his neck. He slowly leaned in and kissed me. Normally I would not have kissed him until we were shaded behind his tinted windows, but I was sixteen now and could officially date. We did not have to hide from my family anymore, even though they already knew.

Jeremy and I met the first day of school in my first class, drafting. As a freshman I was nervous, but the minute he said hello I was infatuated and even more nervous. All I knew then was he was my student advisor and a senior. As he helped us get all set up he seemed to pay close attention to me and my cheeks were flushed the whole hour. When class was over he left right behind me.

“Where is your next class?” he asked looking at my schedule over my shoulder.

“Um… Geometry 101 with Ms. Adams,” I said turning to him.

“Geometry as a freshman,” he looked down at me, “impressive.”

I looked down knowing that most beautiful guys do not like the smart girls. When I heard him laugh I looked up at him angrily.

“Ms. Adam’s class is right next to my calculus class. I’ll show you,” he said walking past me.

My anger turned to shock and that turned to an almost sprint to catch up with him. We saw each other a few more times throughout the day and my mind was on him most of the time. When classes ended I met up with some of the girls on the flag team and we made our way to the gym.

After dressing for practice I saw him sitting in the bleachers reading a book. I almost tripped over my own feet and had a difficult time concentrating on the routines knowing he was there. As practice ended and as I changed he was in the fore front of my mind again. When I exited the gym I ran right into him.

“Oh, sorry,” I said quickly as I reached to pick up the book he dropped.

“Not a problem,” he said with a smile.

Firestarter?” I said noticing he was reading my favorite Stephen King novel.

“I almost have this one worn out too. I love this book,” he said biting his lip.

I smiled up at him and told him that I have a copy that is in as bad a shape. We both laughed that we loved the same book. He asked if he could give me ride home and I told him that my sister should be in the parking lot. He asked what grade she was in and I told him she graduated over ten years ago. He was taken aback by that, but did not ask; points for him. When he asked for my number I told him that I could not date until I turned sixteen in January, but we could be study partners. He agreed to that and wrote my number down.

“Anna, are you going to get in?” he asked as my thoughts faded back to a cold January morning.

I shook off the memories and got into his warm car. He had started to pick me up for school after about three weeks of school starting. We told my parents that he invited me to a study group that met before school, but we were really just going early to talk and be together. Now that I was sixteen it did not really matter.

We pulled onto the street a block over from the school and as I slipped off my coat he placed a gift in my lap. I softened and looked over at him.

“You didn’t have to get my anything since we are going out Saturday,” I said feeling very spoiled.

“I have to commemorate this day, the day you entered this world for me to find,” he said staring into my eyes.

I melted into the seat and as he kissed me he formed me back into myself. He grasped the back of my head and held me tight before leaving me breathless.

I carefully lifted the top of the box open and saw the blue velvet box. Jewelry was my one and only guess and as I pulled the case out and opened it slowly my eyes widened. It held a silver chain with a deep red garnet dangling below. He took the box from me and placed the chain around my neck.

As I reached up to touch it he kissed my neck and traced up my arm to my hand now covering the garnet. I closed my eyes and went limp in his arms. He started to kiss my neck and along my shoulder as his hand started to travel lower down my chest. My heart sped as I grasped the reality of what he was doing.

Jeremy was a true gentleman and was not one to put himself or others in possible trouble so he had not tried to be ‘intimate’ with me. I asked him why a few weeks ago and he told me that it was because I was fifteen and not legal. That made me feel protected and cared for that he was willing to hold himself back to keep me safe. Now that I had been sixteen for only a few hours he was going to be the first to touch my breast.

He carefully undid one more button exposing the tops of my breasts and the lace of my bra. As his fingers traveled down my bare skin I almost missed it, that first intimate touch. His fingertips grazed the lace of my bra and as he slowly dove under the lace and gingerly rubbed my skin I shuddered and my breathing became raspy. I was going to hyperventilate so I calmed my breathing and nuzzled my head against his. I trusted him and he already told me he would take it slow with me.

My hand stayed plastered to my garnet necklace when his fingers made their way down my breast. When he reached my nipple I took a deep breath.

“Are you ok?” he whispered.

I nodded my head. I was better than ok.

He kissed my neck and quickly grasped my entire breast and moaned against my neck. I felt the heat build up between my legs and I wanted him to touch every part of me.

When I heard the alarm sound letting us know that we needed to get to school, we both sighed. I turned my face to his and he kissed my lips ever so softly. I wanted to skip school and spend more time letting him explore, but that would not be smart. As we came up for air he stared into my eyes.

“We’ll have more time later,” he said brushed a lock of hair out of my eyes. “I promise.”

I let out a heavy sigh and sat back in the seat with a frown.

“Don’t frown. I love it when you smile,” he said starting the car.

“I don’t want to smile,” I said with a wink.

We both laughed as he drove down the road. I wanted Saturday to be here now and the romantic dinner; waiting was going to be torture.

We got to the parking lot and joined the slew of other students entering the building and I wanted to grab his hand, but we had agreed that we would stay as private as possible. On occasion he had placed his hand on my back or I would brush his hand, but we never held hands or even hugged on school grounds. He though it was best to keep our relationship friends at school since he was a senior and I was a freshman; being a parochial school that was probably a good idea. When we walked into class everything was normal, but my nemesis was waiting.

“Good morning Anna,” the pretty blonde said in a snarky tone.

“Good morning Jodie,” I said monotone.

“Poor Anna, sweet sixteen and never been kissed,” she said sing-songily.

I rolled my eyes and turned my back to walk to my seat. Ignoring her was a learned reaction from her repeated torments. She thought she was better because she was from the ‘Heights’ and I was from what she called the ‘Low Lights.’ Some days I wanted to hit her, but I was more the ‘turn the other cheek’ type and I had never hit anyone in my life. It seemed that day I would not have to either.

Before I made it to my seat Jeremy stepped in front of me. I looked up at him and feigned a smile as best I could. He pulled me close and kissed me hard. It took me a second to realize what was happening, but when I did I embraced him and returned his kiss fully. Silence rang loudly in my ears.

After what seemed like an eternity he pulled back from me with a smile. When we separated I was wobbly. He had never just pulled me in and kissed me like that. He walked me the last few steps to my seat and pulled out the chair for me. I sat down and looked to Jodie, she was still in shock and her jaw was plastered to the tile floor. I smiled at her and she huffed as she turned away.

“Sorry, she pissed me off,” Jeremy whispered into my ear sending a shiver down my back. “I guess we are out now.”

I smiled and nodded, happy that I could now maybe hold his hand. Time would tell how far we would take this, but I knew we would be that talk of the school for a few days.

I was right about the talk of the school especially after people saw us holding hands and hugging later in the day. Some were probably thinking or told that he did it to stop Jodie, but when we left class with our hands melded together that myth was shattered. For the first time we ate lunch together and when I left practice he wrapped his arm around my shoulders as we walked to his car.

“Thank you,” I said as he started the car.

“For what?” he asked.

I sighed and looked down, “For kissing me this morning.”

He pulled my chin up and my face to his, “That was my pleasure and I couldn’t let her treat you like that.”

He leaned over and gave me a peck on the lips before pulling out of the parking spot. I was glad that he had put Jodie in her place, but now that we were ‘out’ it could get complicated.

I asked if he wanted to come in for a few minutes and at least see what my cake looked like, but he said he had to get home. He pulled me in for a kiss and squeezed my breast through my blouse. My breath was gone when he released me.

“You better button that up before your mother sees you,” he said with a grin.

I laughed and buttoned my blouse back up to ‘school standards.’ When I stepped out of the car I sighed, I wanted to spend some more time with him today.

As I walked to the door I built up my smile on the foundation of his kiss this morning, my first intimate touch and how his kiss could take my breath away. Before I opened the door I turned back and he smiled at me from his car, always waiting until I was inside before leaving. I looked around and saw no one so when I turned back to the door I quickly flipped up my skirt so he could see my bare bottom and dashed into the house. If he saw, he saw; if not then I would have to try again later.

The smell of baking hit my nose full force as I walked past the doorway. Mom had either just pulled out my cake or it was still baking, I would bet on the former. I was right. My cake sat on the table still unfrosted, but looking divine. She usually tried to get a layer for every year, but last year it almost toppled. It looked like this year there were three layers and what she would do with them was yet to be seen.

“You’re home,” I heard exclaimed from the kitchen. “I was not expecting you yet.”

“This is when I’m usually home,” I said confused.

“Oh, well I thought Jeremy might take you out after school,” she said flustered.

“Nope, but I’m thinking you want to finish so I will go do my homework,” I said with a wink as I turned to leave.

“Love you Anna.”

I made my way down the hall and thought, ‘I wish I had homework.’ What was I going to do? No homework, but I did have a phone and I could call Jeremy.

Call Jeremy I did, but he could not talk for long. He had plans with his dad. I wandered back out when I heard my sister’s voice. Mom was done with the cake and it was three layers with each layer saying happy birthday Anna in a pale blue.

“How was school?” Steph asked stopping her conversation with Sara and Melissa.

“Good, Jeremy gave me a necklace,” I said moving my hand to my neck.

“That’s pretty,” she said leaning in closer, followed by my other sisters.

I smiled thinking about what happened after he put it on me. I sighed wanting to have him with me.

The rest of the night went as I expected. All three of my sisters and my brother were there, in their own time. We had fried chicken, broccoli and lefse; my three favorites. I opened my presents and had a new wardrobe. They all tried to sing, making me laugh, before mom cut the cake. After everyone left I returned to my room and logged into my computer.

Jeremy was already in the chat and asked how the dinner was. I told him all the details and he said that dinner on Saturday would be more of a one on one. I asked where we were going, but he was still being cryptic. As it got late Jeremy ended like he always had with ‘see you later and sweet dreams.’

As I got ready for bed I thought about dinner and what his big surprise was, but even if I guessed close it would still be not as good as he had planned. He had surprised me many times and I knew he was very good at catching me off guard. I thought about first class and how he surprised me then and felt my body warm.

I pulled up my thin night shirt, closed my eyes and imagined Jeremy’s hands exploring my body. I cupped my breast with one hand and let the other slowly move down my body across my stomach and over my panties. When I ran my finger over my folds I started to feel the wetness seeping into the material. When I pulled the band down with my thumb and slid my fingers along my bare skin I rolled my hips up and lifted and spread my knees. I rubbed the outside of my lips before spreading them and pushing one finger inside. My breathing was erratic and my body shivered with the combination of my imagination and the physical sensations. As I embraced the shiver and began to circle my finger and move it in and out I felt the draw of sex. It felt so good to release all the pent up desire for him and the day long buildup from his first touch of my breast. When my body tensed I pushed my finger in as deep as I could before my body relaxed and I fell quickly to sleep.

When I woke the next morning my night shirt was still pulled up and as I rubbed my eyes I could smell myself on my fingers. I took in a deep breath and thought of waking next to Jeremy. Pulling back the covers I slowly got out of bed and began my usual routine of getting ready for school and reminded myself that Saturday was the next day.

The day was normal, routine even, until I left practice. Jeremy was waiting for me, but he had such a serious look it made me nervous.

“What’s wrong?” I asked him piercing my brow.

“We might have a problem,” he said pulling me in close.

I could feel his tension and it was making me nervous. He was always so relaxed so this was a first that I did not like.

He pulled back and looked down at me, “I can’t take you home today,” he said before kissing my forehead.

My jaw dropped and my mind wandered the possibilities of what might have happened. He was quick to fill me in.

“I’m taking you to my house for dinner with my family,” he said with a smile.

I smacked his chest after picking up my jaw and shaking my head a few times. I called him a jerk and tried to squirm out of his arms as he leaned in to kiss me. When I finally ‘gave in’ he grabbed a handful of my hair and held my head tight to his. The kiss was forceful and it shocked me at first, but I liked it.

As he released me I was again breathless in his arms and he wrapped his arm around my shoulders and led me to his car. He opened the door for me and let me get in before closing it. I watched him walk around the front and then get in. He was my dream.

“Do I have to wear this all night or can we make a stop so I can change?” I asked hoping I could get out of my uniform.

“We can stop if you insist,” he said with a hint of sarcasm.

“Please,” I begged.

We did stop and I changed into a black skirt that covered to about half of my calf, a light pink button up blouse and a pair of flats. I was planning on wearing the same skirt on Saturday, but now I would have to figure another outfit. I ran a brush through my hair before heading out. Jeremy and my mother were talking in the living room when I walked in. I told them I was ready and Jeremy smiled seeing what I had changed into.

“You look nice. Have fun at dinner and be home by midnight,” mom said as she kissed my cheek.

I had been to dinner at his house before and they were not like our family. We tended to talk a lot and laugh, but his family was not all that chatty. They seemed to just go through the motions of a ‘family dinner.’ It was uncomfortable, but I was with Jeremy and they did not take long to eat. This time was much the same, but they had a cake for me so it was a little longer.

Just before Jeremy and I retreated to the basement his parents gave me a small gift. It was a beautiful blue blouse and skirt set. The skirt was the length of the one I was wearing and had a soft floral pattern against the blue background. I told them it was perfect and I would wear it tomorrow to dinner. His mother beamed that I liked it enough to wear it to dinner with her son. Jeremy hugged me close and kissed the top of my head. I gave his mother a hug and felt her resistance before she softened and hugged me back. When she finally let go Jeremy pulled me back to him.

We walked toward the stair with him still holding me tight. If we could have walked down the stairs side by side we would have, but instead he motioned for me to head down first. I heard him close behind and felt his eyes looking over me. My cheeks flamed with a slight blush.

When I stepped off the last step he grabbed me from behind and I let out a little squeal. He quickly covered my mouth.

“Quiet,” he whispered. “You don’t want to have my parents come running.”

I caught my breath and swallowed my heart back into my chest. Overwhelmed with thought I fell back into his arms. Jeremy uncovered my mouth and scooped me up. As he held me close we stared into each other’s eyes while he carried me to the couch. He sat on the couch with me lying across his lap.

When his lips brushed against mine I felt the light touch of his hand against my stomach. As our kiss grew more passionate the warmth of his hand traveled up my body. The heat passed over my stomach, up between my breasts and to my neck. He played with my necklace, twisting it in his fingers, before letting his pinky rub across the top of my breast.

Our tongues danced as he started to slowly unbutton my blouse. As one button was undone, he slipped a fingertip between the lace of my bra and my bare skin. A slow shudder ran down my spine. When the second button was separated from its loop he softly cupped my breast before giving it a light squeeze. With the third button giving way he rolled my nipple between his thumb and finger sending a more powerful shudder down my spine. With the fourth button he abandoned my breast leaving it with a hard nipple and made circles along my stomach with his fingers. As he undid the fifth and last button I felt the material of my blouse fall down my left side. I wanted to see his eyes, but I was too nervous that they would show him my fear.

As the warmth of his hand traveled back up my now half bare torso he started the spiral circles until he reached my other breast. It was as if someone had pushed reverse as he pinched my nipple, then cupped my breast before lightly squeezing and then ran his finger just under the cloth of my bra. His hand kept traveling up until it stopped along my cheek.

He pulled his head back from me and after a few seconds I fluttered my eyes open to see him smiling down at me. I sat up and pushed my lips against his, feeling his supporting hand fall lower down my back. I was holding myself up as he slowly pushed my blouse over my shoulders and down my arms. Each brush of the fabric stammering my breath, but he stilled it with his lips as he gave me soft kisses until my blouse was off.

The room stopped, all sound, everything was still as his hand moved up my spine. I knew what was coming and I was nervous. My skin was on fire and his hand was the ice as goose bumps appeared wherever he touched. When his hand stopped at the clasp of my bra I broke our kiss to gasp.

“Are you ok?” he whispered looking deep into my eyes.

I bit my lip and nodded. I was nervous, but I was ok.

He smiled and gave me a light kiss just as he unclasped my bra. I felt the material give way as my heartbeat increased. His face beamed like he had made some great discovery and his eyes fell toward my chest. When he pushed the straps over my shoulders and let them fall down my arm I tensed and the butterflies in my stomach took flight up my throat. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to still my mind.

As my eyes opened Jeremy was not looking at my face, but staring at my chest. I blushed and looked down just to see him taking a tentative approach to reach for my breast. He had touched and squeezed them before, but now they were bared to his eyes and at his disposal. As I watched him slowly caressing I felt a tingle between my legs and as I let out a breath I did not know I was holding. Jeremy’s eyes flipped up to mine as he pulled my head to his and kissed me hard.

Everything seemed to happen at one time as he kissed me harder than he had before his hand mauled my breast and squeezed my nipple before flying up my skirt. He pushed my dampening panties against me and it seemed like he was trying to push them into me. I laid there motionless trying to wrap my head around what was happening. The suddenness threw me into shock and gave him the opportunity to do whatever he wanted.

When he started to push my panties aside my body came alive. As his fingers lightly brushed me I felt like I was being touched by a spark. The room faded and all I could see, hear, or feel was his touch and I wanted more. In that one brief moment my mind was his, but fear beat at the edge.

I pulled my lips from his and pushed his hand away from me before clamping my legs closed. I stared up at him and saw shock in his eyes.

“Stop for a minute,” I said quietly.

He pulled his hand from under my skirt and placed it on my stomach. It was still warm and was making it hard to think. I needed to get away from him for a minute.

When I sat up and turned away from him, I could not look into his eyes. I stood up and took a few steps away. I tried to clear my mind, but it was in turmoil. One part of me wanted to go right back, but the other was calmly saying this is not the right time. As I turned back to face him I still had not decided what I was going to do. I stared at the floor as I turned and saw my decision.

I bent down and picked up my blouse and put it back on swiftly. When I raised my eyes to see him still in the same place I tried to smile, but I could not. He was so stunned I wanted to rush to him and give in, but I could not. I had my blouse half buttoned before I sat next to him. I put my hand on his leg and tried to figure out what to say.

“I-I’m sorry, but,” I said slowly, “I just can’t. I’m not ready.”

Jeremy stared off into space and nodded his head. He handed me my bra without looking at me. I was almost in tears as I slipped my blouse off and my bra on. When I started to slip my blouse back on he finally turned to me and my tears began.

“Don’t…,” he said as he swiped a tear from my cheek, “Don’t cry Anna. I’m sorry I pushed you too far, but…”

He never finished his sentence. He just pulled me in and held me as I cried. I did not even know why I was crying. Jeremy let me get everything out and rubbed my back as I cried. I was exhausted, emotionally and physically.

“I’m sorry,” I said as my tears subsided.

“Don’t be,” he kissed the top of my head and I looked up at him. “Don’t be sorry. I should not have moved so fast.”

“Are you mad?” I asked as he cupped my cheek.

“No, never; I’m glad you stopped me. This was not the place. You deserve something grander and special.”

I smiled up at him and before I knew my body moved I felt his lips on mine and I knew I had leaped up to kiss him. We were still kissing when the alarm went off to let us know that it was time for me to leave. The whole time we kissed he had not tried to touch me, but left his hands stationary against my back.

The ride to my house was quieter than normal, but I think I was expecting that. He walked me to the door and gave me a quick kiss before telling me he would be by around three to pick me up for dinner. I smiled at him and told him I could not wait.

Sleep was not going to happen for a few hours so I got online. I signed into a chat room I had found a few weeks before school started and looked for one name. When I found his name I sent a private message to him and waited for a response. He and I had talked before about many things and I felt safe telling him about Jeremy.

Jeff is in his twenties and married, but his wife hates him. He and I met at the end of the summer and he has been a good friend. I was worried that he was talking to me for the wrong reasons, but he has never asked for my phone number or said anything that was inappropriate. He has given me only advice. He knows more than any of my friends about my feelings. It was strange, at first, to tell a computer screen and an anonymous person; but it worked for me.

I told Jeff what happened and he said that I did the right thing. When he said that Jeremy was coming on too fast I agreed, but I was quick to say that I did want more. Jeff told me to be careful about starting and stopping because some guys will get angry and I might get myself in trouble. I assured him that Jeremy was not like that, he had always been patient and respectful. I yawned and told Jeff that I was finally tired. He wished me sweet dreams and reminded me to be careful. I told him I wished he was closer so we could actually talk and to have a good night.

As I crawled into bed I began to replay the night’s events. I wanted to change a few things and be less hesitant, but my mind would not alter reality. I fell asleep and dreamed about being with Jeremy in a beautiful room and having him make gentle love to me. When my alarm blared I slowly rolled over and turned it off. I did not want to get up, but I had several things to do before he arrived to pick me up for dinner.

“Good morning sleepyhead. How was dinner last night?” mom asked handing me a cup of tea.

“Good,” I said as I started to tell her about dinner and my new outfit. I left out what Jeremy and I did after dinner and just told her we watched TV and talked. When she told me that Sara, my sister, wanted me to call I wondered what she wanted. I filled my cup and went to my room to call her.

I was still lost when I called her, but she was quick to tell me that she wanted to take me to lunch and to get my hair done before my dinner tonight. I told her we did not have much time since Jeremy was going to pick me up about three for dinner. She said she would be right over. As I waited for Sara I pulled on a pair of comfy jeans and a t-shirt.

“You ready?” Sara asked as she opened my door.


Sara asked about dinner with Jeremy’s family and I told her much of what I had already told mom, but when we were in her car I told her more about after dinner. When I told her I stopped him from going farther she told me she was proud of me. She said she wanted me to be safe and handed me a small bag. When I opened the bag I was surprised to see a box of condoms. I must have blushed six shades and had to retrieve my jaw from the floorboards.

“Sara, I don’t need these,” I exclaimed when my voice finally worked.

“Yes you do. You can’t rely on the guy to have them,” she said firmly. “Just put one in your purse so you are prepared if he isn’t, ok?”

I shook my head and set the bag in my lap. She talked to me about sex and what to expect, even though she had said the same things before. When she emphasized that I did not have to sleep with Jeremy or any guy I wondered what Jeremy would do if I said I did not want to have sex. Jeff said some guys could get angry, but Jeremy was not like that.

We stopped by a local café and had a little lunch before she told me that she was going to do my hair since time was short. I thought about ordering one of their wonderful pies, but thought it was best to leave room for dinner tonight. On the way back home Sara asked what I was wearing and where we were going. I told her that I was going to wear my black pencil skirt and a pink blouse, but I had worn the blouse last night. She asked about the outfit that Jeremy’s parents gave me. I told her that was already my plan.

When we got home she rushed me into the shower and told me to shave really well. I laughed, but did a thorough job. As I toweled off I looked down my body and thought about Jeremy’s hands running along my bare skin.

When I dried between my legs I let the towel fall and played a little. I slowly pushed a finger inside and started to twirl it around. I wanted one of Jeremy’s long fingers to reach farther, but my little hands were all I had. I began to move my finger in and out making my body warm and my legs feel weak. I leaned against the wall and sped my pace. I felt the draw of wanting more so I gingerly inserted another finger and started to feel my body expanding to accommodate the new width. It is amazing how such a small opening can take in such large objects. There was a knock on the door just as I was getting close to my usual stopping point.

“Hurry up Anna we don’t have much time,” Sara said through the closed door.

I sighed and pulled my fingers out and finished pulling on my shorts and an old flannel shirt. I glanced into the mirror and smiled at myself. In that moment I had made up my mind to sleep with Jeremy, but what would I do when the time came?

As I returned to my room, I thought about how to tell Sara I was nervous. By the time I reached my room, I was ready to ask her.

I sat down where she told me and bit my bottom lip before I said, “I want to sleep with Jeremy, but I’m so nervous. I couldn’t even let him touch my down there how am I going to have sex with him?”

“Oh, Anna, if you weren’t nervous and scared I would be worried,” she said still messing with my hair. “You should be nervous and it is definitely normal. Just don’t let him pressure you. Make him wait until you are ready and if he won’t then he is not worthy of your first time.”

“What was it like for you, you know, your first time? I know it will hurt and I’ll bleed, but was it something you remember for life like everyone says?” I asked.

“Yea it hurts and you bleed, but you do remember it,” she said. “Mine was not fun. We were out after a concert and it was in the backseat of a car. It was really uncomfortable and I would suggest that you not do it in car,” she admitted.

I took a deep breath and let her finish my hair as I thought about my decision and if I would really be able to go through with it.

When she finished my hair, I changed and looked into the mirror. Sara was a master and I looked older than my sixteen years, but that was the point. She gave me kiss on the cheek and told me to follow my heart and keep my head. I smiled at her and told her I would.

“Love you sis,” she said as she left.

“Love you too,” I replied as she left me alone.

I looked at the clock and it was almost quarter to three so I grabbed my purse and started for the door determined at least to have fun tonight. My mind played devil's advocate as I weighed the big decision of the night and still did not know what my decision would be when the time came. I wanted to sleep with him, but I had pushed him away at every turn so now the big question was would I go through with it or would I chicken out again?

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