So this is how it ends, Charlie thought to himself as he stared at the Artex patterns someone had moulded onto the ceiling some years earlier. Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
And an erection, of course.
It was the erection that was the most troubling part. Three hours and counting now, which was surely some kind of Guinness World Record. Charlie imagined Norris McWhirter, stopwatch in hand, timing Charlie's swollen penis bobbing gently in time with the passing seconds. He tried to laugh, but the venom had frozen his muscles and so all that happened was more saliva oozing from the corner of his mouth, sliding down his cheek to pool in his ear.
Naturally, it was all fucking Gary’s fault.
It had been Gary who'd spotted the spider whilst they'd been at work, re-stocking the bananas.
'Sex aids, them things,' he'd said, as the pair of them watched the little brown arachnid crawl over a bunch of Tesco's finest. 'One bite and you'll be hornier than a mountain gorilla.'
'Seriously?'
'Serious. I learned about 'em in uni. They're from Brazil, and you know what them Brazilians are like. The venom's like an aphrodisiac and Viagra rolled into one, only stronger.'
'Blimey,' Charlie had said. After that, the store manager had ordered them to capture it before it turned aisle three into a scene from Caligula, by which time the idea had already taken root.
To be fair, Charlie hadn't intended to read Kelly's diary. He'd just sort of stumbled across it by accident whilst looking for the TV remote.
Who'd known she was so kinky?
Charlie had spent the past two months trying to get into her knickers via flowers, chocolates and four – four! – Big Mac meals. Four! And all this time it turned out that what excited her most was aerobics.
I mean, Jesus! Give the woman some spandex and the smell of Deep Heat, she was anybody's.
And it had all been going so well, too. Kelly had pounced on Charlie within minutes of the Zumba Magic DVD starting, stripping him so fast he'd gotten friction burns when she'd ripped his jeans off. She'd even giggled when Charlie produced the spider and explained its extracurricular uses. Okay, that first nip on the sensitive skin just below his fireman’s helmet hadn’t been great – but you sure as hell couldn’t argue with the results.
Once the initial bite had died down a bit, the sensations Charlie felt down there were nothing short of spectacular. Every nerve was so sensitive that all Kelly had had to do was blow on the tip, and the warm air had prompted an immediate reaction. And what a reaction! Charlie’s cock had rocketed skywards in record time, thicker and harder – and somehow, longer – than anything he’d ever experienced. Even before it had finished springing to attention Kelly had wrapped her lips around the shaft, sucking for all she was worth. And when he finally prised it from her mouth and wrestled her into position so he could enter her...
