Notorious? The only thing I know about "Notorious" is the Hitchcock movie, but I was about to find out much more. Remember me? I'm Penelope Spade, a novice Private Eye in Cincinnati, Ohio. The business started slow but since cracking the Col. Mustard murder case, where he met a gruesome demise by a candlestick in the conservatory, my fame has spread like a Kardashian's legs on first dates. Speaking of mustard, I realized I was so hungry I could eat a Skyline coney (Now, that's hunger!) My drooling was interrupted by a potential client stumbling through my broken door.
"I'm Paul Powell." As he extends his clammy hand....mmmm clams.
After introducing myself, he continued, saying he owned a seedy club in nearby Sharonville. It was moderately successful, but one of his employees seems to have been dipping into the till, (and Ms. Till seems to like it.) My job? Find the culprit and obtain restitution. Grabbing my expense money, I called for an Uber. Since my client was paying, I told the driver to take the scenic route. (Yeah, like Apparently has a scenic route!) Riding in Sharonville, we drove past the city's finest eateries from A-Z (Arbys to Zaxbys).
Now it was time to check the crime scene, the Stagger Inn. Once there, I saw her standing there by the record machine and I struggled to put a name with the face. I knew her from somewhere, perhaps from my stay at Crater Lake or Haddenfield, Illinois. I had to start somewhere so why not her since she's a waitress apparentlly.
Finding an almost clean table, I sat and motioned the alluring brunette to me. I even had plenty of ones in case a lap dance broke out. Soon she was jiggling her way to me.
"Don't I know you?" She said excitedly. "We went to school together. I'm Fonda...Fonda Peters"
I bet you are, I thought to myself, then suddenly remembered her. "Fuckable Fonda" was her nickname at Whasamatta U., our alma mater. Her name was written in every boy's restroom in school. Oddly enough, it was her handwriting. Allegedly, her vagina was where STD'S congregated to discuss current events. She was legendary for blow jobs. "She could suck a golf ball through a garden hose," the Reverend Horne told his congregation at her Baptism. Her oral skills cured her protein deficiency as well as left her with a flawless complexion. She once had lockjaw and half the football team became suicidal. I was once told she had more yeast infections than Mrs. Popping Fresh. (Rimshot!)
Yes, she was ....notorious! I hadn't thought of school in years. A very prestigious school, part of the Poison Ivy League. I earned my degree in computer science there. I can still picture the powerful Commodore 64's lining the walls. Still mulling over Fonda, I recall she once had a sordid dalliance with the school lesbian and I wondered if she remembered the ropes. (Of course, she did. It's like riding a Sybian, you never forget.) I wondered if she was still interested in hot girl-on-girl shenanigans, but that delusion crashed as five dudes in sailor outfits burst in, yelling her name in unison like a bad Cheers episode.