Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! And welcome to another episode of Letters To Santa, the show where I read letters form viewers like you on the air. Now before I read this weeks letters, I've got some old business to address.  First is the investigation by the authorities about my workshop claiming that it was a sweatshop staffed by children working for little or no pay. Seriously? Staffed by children? I guess they've never seen elves before. Well anyway, that's been resolved. Santa only had to pay a fine and promise to increase their pay and benefits. Sheesh, if this keeps up, Santa's going to have to start charging for the presents.

The other matter involves my guest on last weeks show, the Easter Bunny. Some of you wrote that you were upset when I started choking him at the end of our interview. Yes, the truth is Good Old Saint Nick has a bad old temper. All I can say is I'm working on it. I'm going through a twelve step anger management program, the first of which is to stop strangling guests on my show. So far, so good, although I'll admit I'm cheating a little by not having any guests this week. It makes it easier not to choke someone.

As for the Easter Bunny, I wouldn't worry too much about him. Easter is four months away, which is plenty of time to come out of a coma. What can I say? Santa doesn't know his own strength. Actually I do, but let's just keep that our little secret. Well that takes care of the old business and with that let's see what's in the old mail bag today. Okay our first letter is from Julie who lives in Ohio.

Dear Santa, thank you so much for the gifts you brought me. They were all wonderful, but I especially wanted to thank you for The Muff Mower, the device that can groom your pussy by trimming a little, a lot, or even right down to the bare skin. I use it all the time and it keeps my pussy perfectly groomed. And with the duo action blades, I can even groom my pussy while grooming my husbands mustache at the same time.Where did you find this wonderful product? Sincerely,Julie.

Well you're quite welcome Julie and as for your question, I didn't just find it, I actually designed and manufactured it right in my own workshop. This was something that I had been working on out of necessity. You see, Dear Old Santa and Mrs.Claus were having a bit of a problem in the bedroom. It seems the Misses was a little upset that Santa wasn't going down on her enough. Now don't get me wrong, I was more than willing and able. I just couldn't find the darn thing. And just so you know, it wasn't because of all this hair growing on my face. Believe me, this is nothing compared to what was growing down there on her. I mean before she used The Muff Mower, I didn't even know what her kneecaps looked like.

Now it took a lot of experimenting, but eventually I was able to come up with a design that was both safe and easy to use. The key word here is safe. That wasn't the case with the earlier design. Just ask poor Prancer. But anyway, thanks for the letter Julie. Our next letter comes from Claire who lives in Oklahoma, who also writes about The Muff Mower.

Dear Santa, I can't thank you enough for The Muff Mower. This product does exactly what the box says it does. My pussy has never been more groomed. In addition,the vibrations that come from it when I use it are amazing. So amazing, that sometimes I use it even when I don't need a trim. I even use it back there so now I'm perfectly groomed around both holes which my girlfriend, Emily, loves because now she can stick her tongue in my.

Whoa! I'm gonna stop reading here. Santa's not too keen on that kind of tongue activity no matter how well groomed it is. Claire, I'm sure you're a nice girl, but that's so naughty, Santa might have to skip your house next Christmas. Anyway,thanks for writing. Our next letter comes from Jay who lives in New York.

Dear Santa, you brought my girlfriend, Sarah, a vibrator last Christmas for which I've got one thing to say to you. Who the Hell do you think you are bringing a vibrator to a woman without including any batteries to run the damn thing? Poor Sarah was so desperate to get off, she tried to plug it into the cigarette lighter in her car, accidentally shifting the gear, causing it to roll downhill before crashing into a police car where she was promptly arrested.

P. S. Asshole!

Hmmm. Well Jay, I was going to let your letter slide until your last comment. First of all, did you notice the cord on the vibrator? You know, the thing your girlfriend was trying to plug into the cigarette lighter? You see, this particular vibrator doesn't use batteries which you and your girlfriend would have known had either of you bothered to read the instructions! So that one's on you two. Just remember this Jay. I'm Santa. I know where everyone lives, including you. Next Christmas, instead of presents, I might just burn your house down. Suck on that one!

P. S. Mother Fucker!

Whoa! Santa had a little relapse there. It's a good thing I didn't invite Jay to the show. Good thing for him. So anyway, our next letter is from Steve in Texas.

Dear Santa, you brought me a DVD called The Red Hot Hotties which I was really enjoying and then just when the scene was getting really hot, the picture froze. I tried to fast forward, skip, stop and restart, none of which worked. I even tried cleaning the surface of the disk which also didn't work. It just kept freezing at the same spot. How could you bring me something like this? I used to think you were the greatest. Now I just think you're a phony cock sucker. Thanks for nothing loser!

Hmmm. Well Steve, I have two possible solutions to your DVD problem. The first one, since you were enjoying the DVD so much until you encountered the problem, is to maybe reach into your own wallet and purchase another copy. It doesn't cost that much, so you should be able to afford it. The second solution is a little more complicated but probably more up your alley.

First you need to go outside and find a building of some sort, preferably with a brick exterior. Next you need to walk about fifty paces from the building before turning back to face it. Next you want to run full speed, as fast as you can, towards the building. Now as you near it, you're going to have a very strong urge to stop or veer off to the left or right. Do not, I repeat, do not give in to those urges. You want to maintain proper speed and direction until the end of your run. Now once you get there, you're going to feel a slight impact. This is completely normal and nothing any hospital emergency room hasn't dealt with before.

Now when you regain consciousness, the doctors are going to put you in front of a TV and play the DVD I brought you. I want to warn you, the picture is still going to freeze, but it won't matter because you'll have such a splitting headache, you're not going to give a fuck about what you're watching anyway. So there you have it Steve. Two solutions. For personal reasons, I prefer you take the second one but either way, good luck.Glad I could help.

Whoa! It looks like Santa had another relapse. Oh well, being jolly isn't all it's cracked up to be anyway. Let's see, do we have time for another letter? We do? Okay then.Our last letter comes from Jennifer in California.

Dear Santa, I want to thank you for the deluxe turbo charged vibrator you brought me. It produces by far the most intense orgasms I've ever experienced. I use it as much as I can and when I'm not, I constantly think about it and can't wait to get back home from work to use it again. As a token of my appreciation, I've enclosed some photos of me using my vibrator. I hope you get off on them as much as I've gotten off on this amazing toy. Love, Jennifer.

Okay, let me just check the envelope here and oh my God. Well Jennifer, if everyone who looked as good as you do sent photos like these, Santa wouldn't have any more anger issues, trust me. I guess next Christmas, Santa's gonna be bringing you a video camera.

Well, I'm afraid that's all the time we have for this episode. Be sure to tune in next week when I'll do my annual X rated movie reviews so you can see what Santa ho ho ho's about when it isn't Christmas. Also Mrs.Clause will tell you about her favorite sex toys and maybe, just maybe, give you a demonstration or two. So until next time, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!