It was a cold night, I was alone and scared, there was terror in the air, all my blood was pumping into my limb muscles, I was running don't looking back, my breathing was getting short, everything seemed hazy , light headedness, I could hear my heart beats, no, it wasn’t that easy for me to handle it, I'm asthmatic ,I needed to use my spray and I needed that at the moment, it was a familiar feeling, feeling like someone is pressing my throat :"God I need some air!" , I remembered that I didn’t have my spray with me, it was in my purse and I forgot to bring my purse with myself from the dark end of the road, suddenly I felt like death, always in my life I've been thinking that death is scary, but believe me life is difficult, death is easy and at that moment I felt like I accepted "the death", I wasn’t fighting for the air anymore, I was adjusting to the lack of the air, like the lactobacillus does ,I was starting to ferment my blood, to swallow the CO2 and kick out the Oxygen.
My dad is a 53 years old man, he is a nice guy if you would meet him in your real life, he would shake hand with you and you would never guess how horrible things he is able to do, it's my personal experience that the guys who look so decent are more dangerous.
Now let me introduce myself, I'm Shani , 26 years old, I'm a general practitioner ,I have dark hairs and deep grey eyes. To be honest I'm not kind of cheerleader or Volleyball player hottie , I'm kind of girl that many people would like at the first sight, it's like I'm a femme de ja vu ! I live in a religious family and my mom (even she's so sweet) is a very jealous woman, she never let us (me and my sister) to wear dresses that might show too much of our body.
It was August 21th, I was singing a song in Hebrew and brushing my hair, I couldn’t understand why that I wouldn’t like when I would catch my dad spying on me, felt weird, it's really hard to explain it, a mixed feeling of happiness , guilty and terror.
I yelled:"What is it daddy? What are you looking for?" I asked rudely and I felt it needed to be in a rude way, I was sick of the games he was playing, hiding and being caught, so sick, so far from my dad, it was so primary, I was a teenager and like all other girls my dad was "my lover and hero" as the Electra complex that I was born with.
He answered:"Noth…nothing baby girl, I 'm just watching my daughter, do you have a problem with that?"I stopped singing and narrowed my eyes: "No, daddy, I don’t care."I said that "I don’t care" thing to hurt him on purpose, I was tired of hide and being caught game. He didn’t say a word, just swallowed and walked away. I didn’t look at him while he was leaving to hurt him more, maybe it's funny for many people who are reading this, but such things can hurt emotional people easily (like my dad).
Next day I was laying down beside the sofa, thinking about a guy name Simon, he was my classmate at school, he was so smart, I always wanted to be like him, specially at maths; I was dreaming about that he would come to me and would smile at me and would ask me to be his girl friend and he would love me forever, always when I would start to dream about this loop, I would feel moisture in my pants and it was a weird feeling; I put my feet up on the sofa and my back was on the floor, it was my thinking position, feet up head down, all blood stream would be directed to my brain! I was feeling awesome:" Simon will love me, he will say he wants me!"Suddenly I felt that familiar gaze on me; I just closed my eyes, tried not to lose my temper and turned my face to the gaze.
He said:"Am I bothering you baby girl?"I answered:"No, dad, I was just thinking about tomorrow."
He smiled and said:"I can see tomorrow will be a good day for you."I replied:"Yes, daddy, it will be" I closed my eyes for a second, suddenly I felt unsecure( I don’t know why) and opened my eyes, he was very close to me now; I whispered:"What's wrong daddy?" I swallowed, his face wasn’t soft like every day, there was something new in his facial expression, some wild entrapped feeling, like a ready volcano, I moved backward and tried to stand up, he didn’t move; He asked: "What's wrong with you baby? You are being distant for a while, why is that?" I replied:"I'm not, I'm not being distant daddy, I'm just growing up."He said:"I know baby girl, but how can you stop loving your dad?" I answered immediately:"What do you mean daddy? I love you still."He turned his face to the wall; his nails were penetrating his palms; he lowered his voice and said:"Still? Is it the word you chose to explain your big love? "I replied:"I don’t mean it daddy, why are you doing this? I'm not supposed to love you like a four years old girl." I was acting like it wouldn’t matter how much he would try, I'm not going to be a child anymore; I stepped forward, I was scared, I didn’t look in his eyes and tried to run away from that hell as soon as possible, suddenly he twisted my wrist:" Did I let you to leave?" there was violence in his voice, in his palms, his smell; I moaned and said:"You're hurting me" I tried to free my hand but he was clamping my hand with his big hand until I started to cry; I yelled:"It hurts, you sick!" I looked at his face with hate; suddenly he slapped my left cheek very hard, I paused, I couldn’t believe that he did this, I was shocked; I complained: "What did I do that I deserve this slap?"He let go of my hand, said nothing and left the room.
It was evening, I was so angry at him; I didn’t want to see his face at least for one week; I was studying Physics (Dynamics), someone knocked the door, I wished that it's not him, I said:"come in."He lowered his voice and said:"I'm sorry baby, you're gonna forgive me, right?"I didn’t look at him and kept solving Physics problems, like he doesn’t exist; He murmured: "I'm talking to you, Shani."I kept ignoring him, suddenly he came closer to my desk and closed my book, lifted my chin and whispered:"You know, daddy never can hurt his baby, right?" I said sarcastically:"I'm not sure anymore." I was attacking to his heart with my hateful eyes; he held my face between his hands and said: "Just be normal, and then I'll stop following you, hurting you and assaulting you."I replied:"Am I your toy? I'm 17 years old, adult enough, I can sue you." There were tears in my eyes, he continued his soft tone and said:"Yes baby, sue me for the sin of being your dad." He caressed my hair; I pushed away his hands and said:" you know I don’t like it."He complained:"You see now? You even don’t let me to caress you." I replied in anger:"I don’t like ANYONE to caress me, its normal for my age daddy, why you don’t understand it? You are acting like a child."He kept his soft tone and said:"I don’t understand this cold heart of yours; you say it's not about not loving me but you look at me like I'm a criminal."I narrowed my eyes and said:"Isn't it normal after you beat someone?"He fell his head and said:"I apologized."I lowered my voice and said:"It takes time for me to forgive you completely, why you don’t understand it?"He hesitated for a minute and whispered:"I'm sorry, baby; I didn’t mean to hurt you."I smiled and said:" I hope you understand I'll be fine and now I need to be alone."He asked me desperately:"Do you hate me now?" I answered:"Not so much."He sat down, his hands on his head, looking downward, he murmured:"Ok, baby."Then he left the room.
Tomorrow I woke up late, It wasn’t a school day but my parents needed to go to work; I started to play Guitar and sing with the rhythm in my bed:" Sol La Sol La Re Re Mi"Suddenly I saw my room door opened, it was my dad, he smiled and said:"I've knocked three times." I asked him:"You didn’t go to work, dad?" He replied:"I'm here; it means I'm not at work, right?"I nodded and said:"I think so." I was wondering so I asked:"But why?" I slowed my voice, he answered:"I thought it's your free day and we may need to have a small talk together."I stared at him and said:"Go ahead then, talk." He smiled and said:"I think I should ask you directly, because I'm your father and you're an adult."I tickled the G wire of the Guitar and said:"Ok, dad, I'm ready."He hesitated for a minute, he was trying to find the right words and then he said:"Do you have a boy friend?"I laughed; he gave me a serious look and said:"I'm serious baby; it's not funny at all."I replied:"Yes, dad, I understand, If you mean about the present time, no, I just have broken up with Mike and you know that, so why you ask?" He continued:"Did you have sex with him?" I murmured:"What a question!" He looked so serious, he whispered:"Answer me baby, did you?"I narrowed my eyes and said:"Yes, I did, but I don’t think if we should talk about it."He grinned and said:"Sure we should."
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As I said before, I've grown up in a religious family, I was a teenager and for sure I was in a hormone spiking period but I never had the courage to have sex, it wasn’t about guilty or feeling sorry, it was just about not being sure about what would happen next? It was a dark point, I wasn’t brave enough for such new experiences, that’s all, but when my dad asked me about it, I laughed and lied about having sex with Mike for some reasons in my mind like hurting him, showing myself careless about religion, insulting him and pissing on his face, it seemed easy at first but just after these words slipped from my mouth, I entrapped myself in the hell, he looked in my eyes and said:"What kind of sex you had with him?"I was watching his mouth in wonder; I couldn’t believe that it's him, my dad; I murmured:"Dad, you know you are scaring me now."He curved his neck to the left and said:"You didn’t scare when you wide opened your legs for Mike? Isn’t it a little late for being scared?" There was everything in his eyes but that submissive nice dad that I knew, I stood up, swallowed and said:"It's not like you think, dad."He yelled:"Then what is it, you little s…" he paused trying not to lose his temper; I moved one step forward and yelled:"Were you just going to call me a slut?" He lowered his voice:" not me, but you said you had sex with Mike, it makes you not my baby girl anymore, you disappointed me Shani."I said:"Many girls have sex with their boyfriends and they're not being called slut, I'm young, my body has sexual needs, you don’t know that?"He said:"Decent girls have those feelings too, why you can't be a decent one?" I thought he's gonna slap me again but he didn't; I narrowed my eyes and said:"OK, dad, you helped me much, I'm going to stop fucking Mike, is that something you want? Can you leave me alone now?"He paused for a minute, closed his eyes and said:"I'm not your enemy Shani, stop this attitude."I murmured:"You are not a friend either."He widened his eyes and said:"Should I redden those cheeks of yours for being too much rude to your dad again?"I started to cry aloud; He came closer, caressed my cheeks and said:"Shh, don’t …" Then he hugged my head and started to caress my hair; he continued:"I know you are a virgin baby, I know you're a teen and I understand that you need to have sex and also I know you are just trying to hurt me" He kept caressing my hair and pushed my head to his chest, he kissed my head and whispered:"It's ok, my love, it's ok…"He continued:"Daddy loves his decent daughter so much, I'm just trying to warn you about sex baby, I wanted you to know that you can share your feelings with me whenever you want, I don’t judge you and I'll help you as much as I can." I kept crying, he knocked my forehead just between my eyebrows with his index finger and said:"Don’t hate your dad" I shook my head and said:"I don’t hate you daddy, why you don’t believe it?" I stopped crying; he stared directly into my eyes and said:"Prove it to me then." I didn’t like this shadow in his eyes, it was scaring me; I asked him:"How?"He answered:"Don’t stop me when I'm caressing you, don’t look at me with hate, give me hugs like you did before, kiss me, and be normal."
I took a deep breath and said:"Dad, you know I'm not naïve, you know how smart I am, right?" I was penetrating his eyes with my gaze; he asked:"What do you mean?"I answered:"I mean you are a …" I paused for a few seconds then continued "you are a pervert, right?"My voice was vibrating, he was silent for about one minute, he wanted to say something to defend himself but it wasn’t possible, finally he said:"How come you are …so frank? What did I do that made you to call me a pe...pervert?" his hands were shaking so he fisted them; I gathered more courage from his weakness and said:"You need my physical love, you know very well that I love you as much as I did before, the only thing is different with before is touching, right?"He widened his eyes and said:"It doesn’t make me a pervert."I said:"Yes, it does, daddy."He pointed to me with his index finger:" You are not saying this, baby girl, you know I love you." He swallowed; I whispered:"Swear on Elli's life that you don’t lust for me"; He looked at the ceiling, immediately changed his gaze target to me, hesitated a little, opened his mouth but no words came out, finally he murmured:"I swear I love you" I paused for a minute, nodded and looked at his bare feet, then raised my head and locked my gaze to his eyes and said:"Dad? Can't you swear that you are not lusting for me?"He was silent for about 30 seconds; suddenly he moved forward:"Come here baby, don’t be scared" he reached for my arm, I tried to run away from him but it was too late, he was so strong, pulling my arms to his chest, I screamed:"Let go of me dad! Please! You scare me!" Certainly it wasn’t my dad, he was a foreigner with my dad's face, there was lust in his eyes, he ran his fingers up and down my arms and said:"How can you be scared when you're in my arms?"I begged him:"I want to go daddy, please!"He demanded:"Not yet."I started fighting him, he entrapped me in his arms, I couldn’t move, I begged him again:"Dad, I can't breathe! For God sake!"Suddenly he loosened his arms and that let me to swallow some air, there were tears in my eyes, I said:"Dad I need my spray!"He locked his eyes into mine and said:"You're not cyanotic, you're not having wheezing, you're not in an asthma attack baby girl, I'm a doctor, I know you don’t need your spray now, just breathe regularly and the respiratory acidosis will subside your panic attack soon, don’t make me to induce that respiratory acidosis myself."I exactly knew what he meant, I knew he was going to press his hands on my mouth if I would keep fighting him to induce respiratory acidosis, I bit his fingers and kicked his cock and ran away, I was running so fast , I wasn’t able to breathe well, I didn’t know what should I do, I needed my spray but I couldn’t go back , I felt everything is going to be hazy, gradually I decided not to fight for breathing, I let go of Oxygen and started to feel death.
