I stood for a moment watching the empty space she had left.

What now? I looked around me. Strangely, the world around me was going on as normal. Nothing had changed and people were still going about their daily lives as if nothing had happened, which, of course, in the general scheme of things, nothing had happened but in my world a life changing event had happened. My world had stopped.

I started to walk. I didn’t know where to but I walked, aimlessly, and ended up back at the mall. At least it was warm there but I had no interest in shops now. I fell back on my old crutch, coffee.

While I sat nursing the mug I pondered what to do next. Should I tell my husband, Philip?

Tell him what?

“Darling, I had a one night stand while I was away. It’s okay though it was only a woman, you don’t need to worry!”

Should I say nothing? After all, If Sam is gone there is nothing to tell, everything will just continue as normal... won’t it?

No, of course it won’t. It wasn’t just a one night stand. It meant so much to me, more than I ever could have imagined. I thought that my new found bisexuality meant that I just wanted sex with women, I didn’t imagine in a million years there would be any strong feelings and Sam, what had I done to her? Confused, bewildered and now, alone, I felt awful. So many people hurt and all because of me. My selfishness, my desires and my thoughtlessness and the worse thing of all? I couldn’t change anything now, the damage was permanent.

“Excuse me.”

I looked up. A young waitress.

“Have you finished, only we are closing now?”

I looked at my mug. Like my heart it was cold and empty. “Oh, yes... sorry.”

I stood and left.

The time on the big digital clock in the mall showed five thirty. Another hour and my train would take me back home. I was dreading it now.

The station was very busy, packed with rush hour commuters and, as I retrieved my case from the locker, I checked the departure screen.

'18.03 Edinburgh... 12... On Time'.

On a bench on platform twelve, as I went down to wait, I noticed a figure, a woman, sitting slouched forward, head bowed, arms folded in her lap, alone. Was she asleep? Worse still was she okay?

I touched her shoulder and slowly, she raised her head. “Sam!”

Her eyes were red. She had been crying.

“What are you doing here?”

“Waiting, Anna, for you.”

I sat beside her I put my arms around her and held her tightly. “Why didn’t you call me?”

“I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to travel home without you but I needed time to think. I knew you were booked on the 18.03 but I checked every train in case you left early.”

I felt my eyes moisten. She looked so sad, like a little girl lost and s he lay her head on my shoulder, snuggling in to me and for a moment we were as one.

We stayed that way, in silence, until the train pulled into the platform.

“The train now standing at platform twelve is the 18.03 high speed train service to Edinburgh. Calling at Tamworth, Derby, Chesterfield, Sheffield, Wakefield, Westgate, Leeds, York…”

I didn’t need to hear any more. Still holding on to me Sam walked beside me and stepped onto the train. I put my case in the luggage space and we found two seats together. We had a two hour journey ahead of us and I had no idea what to say, so, as the train pulled slowly out of Birmingham, we sat, silently, with her hand resting in mine on my lap.

After a while, Sam turned her face away from the darkness of the winter countryside flashing by and said, “Anna, Why did this happen?”
“What do you mean, exactly?”

“Why did you seduce me?”

For the second time that day I felt as though a hot knife had been pushed through my heart.

I didn’t answer right away but she must have seen the hurt in my eyes for she continued,

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that I blame you or anything, I just wondered why me. Did you think I looked that way or something?”

“No Sam!” Maybe a little too sharply as her eyes opened wider for a moment, “I didn’t think that way at all.”

“Please don’t be angry with me, Anna. I don’t understand about these things.” Her eyes began to well up again, “Please help me. I am so confused. I can’t handle it on my own.”

“I know,” squeezing her hand. “I’m sorry but no, it wasn’t like that. I admit that when I first saw you, yesterday, I did think you were beautiful but once we parted to board the train, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. For those few minutes we got on so well it was as if we had known each other for ever.”

“Yes, I know,” she said, “that is how I felt too.”

“When I was pushed into you it was as if fate had thrown us together once more and this time I didn’t want to ignore it. It was chatting over coffee that finally convinced me you were special. Only then did I want to make love with you. I am sorry to say that I didn’t really consider how it would affect you, all I could think about was what I wanted and for that I am so, so very sorry. I am a selfish person and I have made such a mess of things.”

My voice trailed into silence.

“You didn’t force me to sleep with you, Anna. I wanted to. All the things you described, I felt them too only I didn’t realise what I was feeling. I am twenty-nine years old, I could have said no when you asked me up to your room but I knew what was going to happen, I wanted for it to happen but now it has, I don’t know how to deal with it.”

I held her gaze steadily.

“Sam. I have to ask you. When we get off this train, do you want us to end, to let this go away?”

She looked sadly into my eyes but didn’t speak.

“If that is what you want, I will not contact you. I have done enough harm already.”

“Do you think that would be best?” she asked, “Is it what you want?”

“No, Sam, it isn’t what I want, only…”

“Only? Only what?” she whispered.

“Only that it will be so hard. I started this and don’t know where it is going. We don’t even live in the same town but if you want to know how I truly feel then no, I don’t want it to end.”

“If I really didn’t want to see you again, Anna, I would not have waited for you. I want us to be together, at least for now. I will get through this but I need you to help me. I don’t think I can do it alone.” 

 "Sam,” I told her, “I will never let you down. Even if we do go our separate ways in the future, I will still be here for you until you are happy again and know what you want.”

She seemed contented then. I wiped the moisture from around her eyes and she sat back in her seat with her head on my shoulder and holding tightly onto my arm.

We didn’t speak any more for the remainder of the journey and all too soon the Train Manager was announcing the imminent arrival at our destination.

We stood together on the platform as the train pulled out, continuing without us on it’s long journey north.

“Well, Samantha, it’s time,” I said to her.

“I know,” she replied

“Will you be alright?”

“Yes. I have to be. From this moment on I have to deal with it. I will call my Mum before I get my last train and stay with her tonight although I don’t know what I will tell her.”

“Okay, Sweetheart,” I replied with a heart that felt as though it was made of lead. “I will not call you but if you need me then just pick up the phone, no matter what time of day or night.”

I put my arms around her and kissed her. Not passionately, just our lips pressed hard together. Then she turned and walked slowly away as if she was carrying a heavy burden, which, I suppose, she was.

“Take care my love,” I whispered. “Good luck.” Then I turned and headed for the station entrance.

Philip! I suddenly thought, I hadn’t called him! Oh Lord, what will he be thinking?

I quickly opened my handbag and grabbed my phone but in my haste I dropped it onto the hard tiled floor. It smashed and pieces went everywhere.

I panicked. Shuffling around the floor I grabbed as much as I could find but the screen had broken. I needed my phone! Sam couldn’t call me without it and her number was on it. I couldn’t call her either!

I couldn’t believe it, how could this happen?

I looked around frantically. Where was the payphone? There it is! I turned too quickly as I ran towards the post that contained the three public phones and my steel tipped heels slipped from under me on the smooth tiles. I heard, as much as felt, the sharp crack of bone as my ankle gave way to the sudden pressure exerted upon it and I went down like a sack of potatoes. The contents of my handbag spilled everywhere and I came to rest sprawled out on the floor surrounded by make up, tissues, diary, pen, purse and the pain in my ankle was excruciating.

A man rushed over to help me. He looked very concerned.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“Ow, No. My ankle…” I whimpered.

“Let’s have a look,” he said, gently and lifted the hem of my trouser leg. “I’m no expert but I think it may be broken. I’ll get you an ambulance.”

“No, please, I have to phone my husband!” I exclaimed and tried to stand. “Ow, ow, ow.”

“Stay still. You cannot stand with that ankle. Wait for the paramedics.”

“But, my husband,” I continued, “I need to tell him I am here. He will worry!”

“Do you have a mobile?”

I shook my head frantically, “It smashed.”

“It’s okay, Miss…?”

“Anna.”

“It’s okay, Anna, you can use mine but let me get you an ambulance first.”

He took his phone out of his shirt pocket and tapped the screen three times.

After a brief conversation with the ambulance controller he turned back to me.

“About ten minutes they said. Now, what is your husband’s number?”

“You are so kind, thank you,” I told him the number and he tapped the screen as I spoke each one then, handing me the phone, saying;

“It’s ringing.”

I listen to the tone for a few seconds.

“Hello?”

“Philip, I’m sorry, so sorry”

“Where are you and why are you sorry?”

He sounded puzzled.

“I am at the station, I dropped my phone and smashed it then I fell and I think I have broken my ankle and I didn’t call you and, and…”

“Hey, Sweetheart, slow down, it’s okay. I’ll come straight away and get you.”

“You can’t, the ambulance will be here in a minute. Can you meet me at A&E?”

“Of course I can, Is there anyone there to help you?”

“Yes, a nice man called the ambulance and let me use his phone to call you.”

“Okay, my love, I will be there as quick as I can. I love you.”

I didn’t answer straight away. Something inside stopped me,

“Honey?”

“Erm, yes, Er, I love you too.”

I handed the phone back and the man smiled.

“Okay?”

“No, not really,“ I answered, “But thanks for asking. What is your name?”

“Nigel.” he replied, “I am a train driver. I was just finishing when you fell.”

“I hope I am not delaying any trains.”

I tried to smile but it was more of a grimace.

“No,” he laughed, “I just came off the train from Birmingham, I’m on my way home.”

“I was on that one,” I replied, rather weakly.

“Marvellous,” he smiled, “I bring you all this way, safe and sound and as soon as I let you go, this is what happens!”

“Ha ha ha,” I laughed then stopped suddenly, ”Ouch, I think I am going to have some bruises too.”

At that moment the paramedics arrived with their bags of equipment. After checking me over they took me to the ambulance in a wheelchair. Nigel followed with my handbag and suitcase.

“Thank you, Nigel. You have been very kind,” I told him

“You’re very welcome,” he said, “Take care of yourself and I hope your ankle mends quickly.”

The Paramedic closed the ambulance door and soon we were on our way.

My ankle was throbbing now and I began to feel a little sick and hot. The paramedic must have noticed something was not right and said:

“Are you okay, Anna?” I told her I was but she was not convinced.

“Are you sure?”

“Could you turn the heater down a bit, please. It is so hot in here.”

“It’s not the heater, I’m afraid, Anna. You have a little shock. Do you feel clammy and sick too?”

I told her I did.

“It’s not unusual after a trauma such as this. It will pass after a little while but please try not to sleep. I know it is difficult but I have to make sure you do not go deeper into shock.”

“All right,” I assured her.

As the nausea began to fade, I went cold and began to shiver so the paramedic put a silver foil space blanket around me and before too long we had arrived at the hospital.

It took some time for the ambulance crew to hand me over to the hospital staff but soon I was in a cubicle and being helped onto a bigger trolley.

“How do you feel now, Anna?” the paramedic asked once more.

“Much better, thank you.”

“I said you would, didn’t I? Take care now and if I see you again lets make sure it’s not like this!” and she smiled.

“Yes, indeed,” I laughed, carefully, “and thank you again, er...”

“Kimberly.”

“Thank you… Kimberley.”

“You’re welcome, take care now.”

With a cheery wave, she walked off down the corridor back to the ambulance, ready to help another damaged human being.

I was alone again but it wasn’t to be for long because, in what seemed like no time, a head appeared around the curtain.

“Philip!” I exclaimed, “I am so glad you are here.” 

“I wish I could say the same,” he quipped, “But obviously I am not glad that you are here,” and he bent over the trolley to kiss me.

To his surprise, I threw my arms around his neck and held him so tightly that I could have snapped his neck.

“Wow, what was that all about?” he said, when I finally let him breathe.

“Oh, Philip, I love you so much. I’m sorry to be so awful to you.”

“Hey, hey. You are not awful to me. It’s alright, Sweetheart, It’s just the painkillers talking. Lay back and rest your ankle. I think we may be here for quite a while.”

He was right, we were quite a while, seven hours. I had been there three hours before a doctor even so much as looked at me. He was young, five minutes out of medical school, and the first thing he did was cut the leg of my slacks! My best slacks! I told him they were my best work trousers but all he said was that I would have plenty of time to find new ones as he was in no doubt that my ankle was fractured. He said an x-ray would confirm it but he feared that it was the actual joint that had gone and if so I would be in plaster for at least eight weeks.

“Eight weeks?” I wailed. Suddenly I felt sick again. How the hell was I going to sort out my life if I was laid up for two months. It couldn’t be any worse! I wouldn’t be able to drive even. My car was automatic but it was my right ankle that had snapped, my accelerator and brake foot! I began to panic and hyperventilate.

“Come on, love, it’s not as bad as all that. I’ll see you are all right.”

“Oh, Philip, I’m sorry, I know you will. I am just being selfish. I am not used to being helpless and, to tell the truth, it scares me a little.”

But I wasn’t telling the truth. What was scaring me was the fact that if Sam tried to call she wouldn’t know my phone was broken and might think I didn’t want to see her. I had to get another phone.

Whilst I worried, the doctor spoke again.

“I am afraid there is more bad news. I have to remove your boot.”

“Why is that a problem?” I asked. A little naïve I suppose but it didn’t occur to me that they couldn’t just unlace it and pull it off.

“I cannot risk displacing the fracture, not to mention the pain it would cause you. No, I’m sorry, I will have to cut it.”

He produced a large pair of surgical scissors and began cutting the soft leather. He was very gentle but even with the aid of gas and air, the pain was excruciating.

When he removed my sock I was shocked at how bruised and swollen my ankle was.

Finally, he was finished.

“I am sorry about that,” he said. “We’ll get you down to x-ray and then see about getting you in plaster, provided that it is a clean break.”

Alone again, I began to think about Sam.

“Philip...”

“Yes, my love?”

“I smashed my phone when I fell. Can you get me another? Please?”

To my distress, Philip replied, “There’s no rush for that, you can use the house phone.”

“Hmm... I suppose.”

Now what? How do I tell him I need a mobile phone. I rarely use it at home but now I need one. I cannot use the excuse of the internet or messages or emails, I have a laptop… no, wait! Messages!

“Philip, without a mobile I cannot receive messages from my friends or work.”

“Does it matter?”

“Of course it does!” I answered him a little testily, “They don’t know my phone is broken and I don’t want to keep ringing them when a quick text is enough.”

“Okay, okay, don’t get angry. I will see to it tomorrow. Alright?”

“Thank you. I am sorry. I am so tired now and my foot is really hurting.”

He put his arm around me and comforted me. I felt horrible. He was so loving and really worried about me and all I could do was carry on behind his back. He didn’t deserve that but I couldn’t help it. This whole situation was a mess and what I needed Philip couldn’t give me.

I had the x-ray about an hour and a half later and the doctors fears were confirmed. Although not displaced, my tibia had cracked across the end. My foot had to be totally immobilised otherwise I could damage the ligaments and the fractured bone.

By the time I got into the plaster room it was two am. and I was absolutely exhausted. The painkillers were beginning to wear off.

A nurse in a plastic apron plastered my whole foot and up to my knee. If I hadn’t been so tired and in so much pain, I may even have enjoyed the feeling of her hands working around my leg but I'd had enough and just wanted to go home.

Finally, she was finished, and after another brief spell in the cubicle, I was given a box of Co-Codamol and a pair of crutches and allowed to leave.

A porter pushed me to the door in a wheel chair whilst Philip went to get the car from the car park.

I have never taken so long to get into a car. I had to lean on the chair to steady myself while Philip held me so I could get my bottom into the seat and swing my legs in. Every exertion was a nightmare, sending waves of pain up through my leg, until I was , at last, seated in a not exactly comfortable but safe position.

I was very grateful that he had brought his own car and not my tiny little run around.

We only lived a fifteen minute drive from the hospital and we sat in silence the whole way. I didn’t know what to say and I couldn’t think straight. All that I could think about was that I was being punished for what I had done. I thought about Sam and whether she would be sleeping now. Was she okay? Had she told her mum? My head was full of questions that I couldn’t answer.

What a mess. I must have sighed out loud because as we pulled into the drive Philip said:

“You okay love?”

“Yes thank you, Honey,” I replied. “Just very tired.”

To be continued...