Walking in the bright moonlight back to the bunkhouse, my mind was swirling with a barrage of thoughts. This is unbelievable. Where is this heading? How will we act tomorrow? How can we hide this? How am I going to wait on tables with four hours of sleep? Damn, Fred is coming tomorrow. This is crazy. Is this really happening? Am I falling in love?

The next morning I had difficulty waking up and couldn’t respond to Gary’s shaking me or his words, “Where the hell were you last night?” I remember lifting my head then crashing back to the pillow. Gary shook me again. “Hey, get the fuck up.”

Everyone looked at me when I entered the kitchen fifteen minutes late. I was always the first to arrive to get my station ready. I was the model waiter. The Pocmont Lodge kitchen was a madhouse made up of people who had worked there for years and like many dysfunctional families, there was a tense affection that fluctuated between joking and yelling. So, when I walked in, George, the chef, a tall black guy, who wore a white sailor hat rather than a chef’s hat, gave me a dirty, scornful look and shook his head in disgust. His assistant, Tony, a curly-haired Italian who knew about single women and waiters, glanced at me and smiled. He didn’t say anything, but when he handed me my first order, he smirked. “You got some last night, didn’t you?”

Julia, a tiny, old Russian Jewish woman in her seventies, who had been the baker there for twenty years, liked me and always smiled at me. She knew I liked her cinnamon rolls so she always buttered one and handed it to me, even though she wasn’t supposed to. That day, she squinted at me. “Are you sick? Drink some tea.”

The dining room didn’t open until eight and once our stations were ready, we could sit at a table just off the kitchen and have coffee, scrambled eggs, bagels and talk about this or that. I always sat with Catherine and we often had stimulating conversations. She was a news junkie, I suppose because of her days in Washington, and she informed me of current events and what she thought about them. I enjoyed our many discussions and learned a lot from her. I was an English major in college with a minor in history and she knew I wanted to be a writer. We avoided talking about the previous night in the bar, acting as if it hadn’t happened. I know she was embarrassed and what was there to say? We let it pass.

I managed to get my act together and although tired, served my guests with my usual flair, but kept glancing at the empty table where Nina and her parents usually sat. The dining room served breakfast until nine-thirty. Around nine her parents sat down, but Nina’s seat was empty. Gary served them and I went about my business, but wondered, Is she sleeping in? Is she avoiding me? Am I crazy?

I noticed her father reading the paper while her mother read a book. They ate and drank their coffee, but unless I missed it, they hardly spoke to each other. I glanced up at the clock and saw it was nine-twenty-five when Nina came in, rushed to her table then waved Gary over. When she greeted her parents, they looked up, nodded then returned to their reading. I noticed her hair was still wet from a shower and she was wearing a short denim skirt, a pale green T-shirt and sandals. She glanced over at me while I served a table. Our gazes met briefly—no smile or nod, no acknowledgment, and I wasn’t certain what that meant. Was last night a fling? Why won’t she look at me?

Gary brought her a cup of coffee and a glass of orange juice. All of my guests had finished eating and the dining room was almost empty. I helped my busboy, Jason, clear the dishes, then I changed the tablecloths and began setting up for lunch. Nina’s father handed her a section of the newspaper and she read, sipping her coffee, hardly speaking, except at one point, I noticed her mother say something to her and an angry look crossing Nina’s face. She said something back to her mother who looked startled and sat back, obviously upset, and just stared at Nina. I wondered what that was about.

When her parents got up to leave, Nina remained seated, nodded goodbye to them and continued reading. I decided to go over to her now that her parents were gone, and discreetly picked up their plates, pretending to be helping Gary, but curious about what had happened. I glanced around to see if anyone was noticing and she looked up at me, then leaned forward and whispered, “Meet me in the barn at ten.” I nodded and she went back to reading the paper, taking a sip of coffee and I put the dishes on the bussing tray.

I had finished setting up but kept glancing at the clock. The dining room was now empty except for the busboys sweeping and the other waiters and waitresses setting tables. Lunch went from noon until one-thirty, but we had to be in the dining room by eleven-thirty then out on the ball field by two for the afternoon softball game.

The funky, dilapidated barn housed several old horses and was up the road past the bunkhouses. Horseback riding was one of the activities provided but special arrangements had to be made for Larry, the assistant manager, to get the horses saddled and help the guests get started. Few people rode horses, so the barn was usually quiet and the old horses had a leisurely life of munching grass in the fenced-in pasture and an occasional apple someone fed them.  

When I entered the barn, it was dark except for the morning sunlight coming in from cracks in the roof and an open door in the hayloft. I looked around and didn’t see Nina then heard, “Up here.”

I saw a ladder in the middle of the barn that went up to the hayloft and climbed it, smelling the hay and then I saw Nina at the other end sitting on a hay bale. When I reached her, she stood up and we wrapped our arms around each other and kissed. She lowered her hands to my ass and I did the same, loving how her ass felt in the short denim skirt. I pulled her against my already hard cock and felt her grinding into me, spreading her legs slightly. Our kissing grew more intense then I pulled my lips from hers, both of us gasping.

“You were kind of cool at breakfast.”

“I know. Mom said she heard something in my room and asked if I had company.”

“Uh-oh. So what happened?”  

“I got annoyed and told her I didn’t have company but even if I did, it was none of her god damn business.”

“So that’s why she looked so upset.”

“Right, I’m fucking sick of pretending to be their good little girl and being watched like a hawk. Dad has made me his little precious jewel. I’m an only child and he has my life planned—business major in college, minor in political science, then law school before I join his old firm. He’s a judge and wants me to follow in his footsteps.”

“And they’re really into you marrying Fred, I bet.”  

“Yeah, he graduated from Princeton Law School and has been a clerk for Dad and it’s all mapped out. My dad’s world revolves around law, tennis and playing bridge.”

“What about us?”

She looked at me and shrugged her shoulders, “I don’t know. We hardly know each other, but damn, I really loved how we were last night. It was special ”

“What are you going to do when Fred comes up today?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know anything. I feel like I’m trapped and it’s hard for me to hurt people, Mom, Dad, Fred.” She chuckled. “It’s not easy being me.”

“I understand.” I rubbed her back and could feel her anguish and pain. I just wanted to soothe her.

She sighed deeply into my chest. I felt her relax and she put her arms around me. We didn’t speak but just held each other for several minutes, then I felt her slowly grinding into me again, moving her hand to my ass and squeezing. I did the same, lifting her short skirt, putting my hands on her warm soft ass, feeling the smooth skin and realized she wasn’t wearing panties.   

“You’re always daring, aren’t you?”   

“I have to be, otherwise the real Nina would smother to death. I told you I’m honest, but I have to always be two steps ahead of my parents to feel alive and not be the little paper doll they think I am.”

Pulling me harder against her, she gripped my ass, both of us grinding harder. She looked into my eyes. “I’ve always wanted to fuck in a barn. That’s why the short skirt and no panties.”

She grabbed my hand and pulled me over to several hay bales, then pushed me so that I was sitting, leaning back against another pile of hay bales. She got down on her knees between my legs, unbuttoned my pants, pulled down the zipper and took out my hard cock, then started licking and moving her tongue up and down the underside, over the sensitive head and then she went to town sucking me, moving her lips up and down, slurping, swallowing and growling as she devoured my cock. I held her head and wrapped my fingers around her long hair and started thrusting into her warm, wet mouth. She pulled her mouth away, gasping, and quickly climbed on me, straddling my body, before she grabbed my hard cock and moved it back and forth over her dripping pussy lips, then suddenly lifting herself, she came down hard, impaling herself.

She sat still, her pussy gripping my cock, and I could see the pleasure in her eyes. “Now I want to ride my stallion!” She leaned forward with her hands on my chest and slowly lifted herself then came down hard again and again and again, riding me faster and harder.  

“Come on, take me for a ride,” I yelled, grabbing her hips, lifting her then pulling her down harder and harder on my thrusting cock.

“You like fucking your cowgirl, don’t you?”   

I looked at her bouncing up and down on my cock, her hair flailing, her tits bouncing under her T-shirt, her dripping pussy gripping my cock as she galloped faster and harder, taking me deeper with each thrust and screaming, “Oh, my God, you feel so big! I love it I love it!”

“Ride me! Ride me! Ride my cock!” I gripped her hips and lifted my ass off of the hay bale, thrusting harder and faster as she came down and slammed against my thighs, taking my cock deep.

“I’m there, oh fuck, oh my God, fuck me, fuck me, ohhh yeah don’t stop, don’t stop, oh fuckkk, I’m cumming! I’m cumming…Oh, my God I’m cumming!”

She exploded in a huge orgasm, her whole body shaking in violent convulsions while her juicy pussy clutched my cock, soaking it with her hot cum.

I bucked up and grabbed her hips and flipped her off of me and onto the hay-covered floor. On her back, she opened her legs. I grabbed them and put them on my shoulders then pounced and started fucking her savagely.

“Come on, give it to me. Harder! Fuck me harder, damn it. Harder!”

Her screaming made me thrust harder. Her pussy gripped my cock. She was going to cum again. “Fuck me! Fuck me! Take my cock!” I yelled with each hard thrust.

I was out of my mind and pounded her with all my strength. I leaned forward, driving my cock in and out like a hot piston, fucking her faster and faster, harder and harder, deeper and deeper until suddenly both of us erupted in huge wild ecstatic explosions. My cum gushed into her like hot lava from a volcano. Writhing just above her, I collapsed onto her panting body and felt her strong legs wrap around my back, holding me deep in her clutching pussy, both of us unable to budge.

She was still wearing her skirt, now scrunched above her hips, while the T-shirt cushioned her from the rough hay. I lay on top of her, taking deep swallows of air. I had never fucked anyone harder in my life. It was as if we had to make the most of our short, secret meeting.

While lying on her, I heard the barn door squeak and someone enter. I looked into Nina’s startled eyes. Both of us tried to hold our breath and listen to the footsteps below.

“Anyone in here?” I heard a voice and wondered if it was Larry or someone just wanting to see the horses. I put my finger to my lips, indicating we had to be quiet and still.

“Anyone here?” the voice shouted again then I heard footsteps and the squeak of the barn door closing and whoever it was walking away.

“That was close,” I whispered.   

“That’s all I need, is to be caught with you.” She sighed. “Fuck, I’m tired of sneaking and hiding who I am.”

I nodded, sensing Nina was on the verge of shaking up her life. “Do you know the line from T.S. Elliot about disturbing the universe?”

“Yes, from J. Alfred Prufrock,” she answered. “I have a feeling my little world is going to get ‘rocked and badly disturbed’.”

“What do you mean?”

“I can’t marry Fred. The wedding is coming up in September. Invitations are about to go out. They’re already printed. The caterers have a down payment.”

I listened, looking into her eyes and nodded. She looked up at me then closed her eyes as if shutting out the horror of her thoughts. I shifted on the hay to lie next to her and took her hand and kissed it.   

“I can’t go on like this. I have to stop pleasing other people and pretending.”

“What are you going to do? Is there anything I can do to help?”

“You already have.”

“What do you mean?”

“You woke me up. And though we just met, you made me realize what’s possible in a relationship. I can’t explain it. I just know I can’t marry Fred and follow the path laid out for me. I’ve got to do what I did with you.”

“What’s that? What did you do with me?” I was fascinated but not sure what she was saying.

“I took the bull by the horns. I wanted you and I made it happen. I’ve never done anything like that before. I mean I did sneak out and do things my parents didn’t know about but never anything quite so brazen.”

“I’m glad you did because I wanted to meet you and get to know you. I was definitely attracted, but I’m not always able to take the bull by the horns like you did.”

“I know.” She smiled. “But you certainly became a bull in bed last night and in this barn and that’s what woke me up. I felt your passion and that’s what I want in my life, passion. I think you’re amazing.”

“Thanks.” I smiled and looked into her green eyes and noticed tears forming as she lay next to me, her strawberry blonde hair splayed on the hay. God, she’s beautiful, I thought. I didn’t say anything about the tears but suddenly realized I had to get back to the dining room. I wasn’t sure what time it was, but we had been in the barn for close to an hour and I didn’t want to be late for the lunch shift. I leaned down and kissed Nina. “I think you’re pretty amazing too, but now I have to get back to the dining room.”

“I know, and I have to get ready to play tennis with Dad.” She took a deep breath. “But I think I’m about to disturb the universe.”

I stood up and zipped up my pants. Nina also sat up and smoothed her skirt and brushed off several pieces of hay and I picked some out of her hair. “I’ll leave first and you should wait a few minutes before leaving.”

I kissed her and we embraced before I climbed back down the ladder and headed back to my bunkhouse before going to the kitchen. Gary and Jason were just getting ready to head over to the dining room. They looked at me.

“What’s going on? Where have you been?” Gary asked. “I was looking all over for you. I even went up to the barn.”

“I took a walk. I have things on my mind.” I glanced at him then went into the bathroom to take a leak and avoid any more scrutiny.

It was Friday and the dining room was crowded with new guests arriving for the weekend. I had several new people to serve. I introduced myself, telling them that I would be their waiter. I noticed Nina and her parents take their seat in Gary’s station. She was wearing her tennis outfit and had her hair in a ponytail. We glanced at each other but that was all.   

Lunch went well until I had an embarrassing accident. I, the model waiter, had a big order to carry out to one of my tables. All of our dishes were covered by shiny metal tops to keep them warm which also allowed us to put platters on top of them. I had eight dishes on my tray and since we served vegetables family style, I had a bowl of stewed tomatoes balanced on top. The tray was heavy and as I carried it to the table I knew the whole dining room noticed. I walked slowly, gracefully, but when I turned to lower the tray onto my tray-stand, the bowl of stewed tomatoes fell on my head and dripped down my face and my red waiter’s jacket. The whole room gasped and I picked up the bowl from the floor and wiped myself off quickly with a towel I had on the stand. “Oops!” I said and shrugged my shoulders, then continued serving, almost as if nothing had happened.

I saw Nina’s eyes open wide and she tried stifling a laugh with her hand. Our eyes met and I just shrugged my shoulders again and walked back to the kitchen with my empty tray, changed my jacket and quickly brought the table another bowl of stewed tomatoes.

After lunch, I played softball, as usual, and later saw Nina going into the pool wearing her white bikini. The game was almost over, but I saw her swim a lap then get out and take her seat on one of the lounge chairs. She had a drink on the table next to her. When the game was over, I took off the jeans I played ball in, my bathing suit already on, went to the pool and just before diving in, I saw a tall balding man wearing slacks, a white short-sleeved shirt and blue tie lean over Nina and kiss her. She put her arms around his shoulders and returned the kiss then held his hand as he sat down on her lounge chair.

Seeing that took my breath away. Fred was here for the weekend and I had no idea what would happen. I dived in and swam underwater and came up at the edge of the pool where they were seated. When I came up and brushed the wet hair out of my eyes, Nina looked at me over Fred’s shoulder and bit her lower lip. This is horrible. What’s going on here?  

Though I had no right to feel jealous, that’s what I felt. I wanted to be holding her hand. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to be her one and only. I hated that Fred was touching her. While she listened to Fred, and our eyes met, I didn’t know what to do and a barrage of emotions swept over me. Am I in love with her or crazy? I was jealous and didn’t know what to do, so I swam back to the other side, got out of the pool and looked back at Nina. She was smiling at Fred, nodding, listening to him then glanced over at me on the other side of the pool, then back at Fred. Talk about feeling like a fish out of water. That was me standing on the side of the pool in soaking-wet anguish. What a mess. I can’t stand this.

It was painful at dinner, serving my guests, being cordial, smiling, joking and trying to give that little extra. Every time I looked at Nina’s table, I noticed how her father and mother were so focused on Fred. Nina listened, but her eyes met mine each time I passed her table. It was excruciating. Will she take the bull by the horns? I wondered. What could she say? What could she do? I could feel the dilemma she was in and wanted to hold her and steal her from all of them.

When dinner was over and they left the dining room, I saw Fred take her hand and thought about them being in bed together. Do they have separate rooms? Do her parents care? I didn’t know, but the thought of them sleeping together was unbearable. How can she get in bed with him? How can she be doing this? Is she going to tell him tonight that they’re through?

I was tired after not having much sleep, a full day of serving and playing ball. I wondered where I would get the energy to work in the lounge that night. It was a busy Friday night with a lot of new guests hearing Jack Kramer and his band for the first time, everyone drinking, dancing and letting loose on their summer vacations.

Around ten, Nina and Fred came into the lounge and took a small table opposite the bar. For better or for worse, it was in my station. Talk about challenges. I had to serve them and act nonchalant. I took their orders--a dirty Manhattan for Nina and a draft of Bass Ale for Fred. I noticed Fred reach for her hand after they ordered and when she pulled it away I overheard him ask, “What’s wrong?”  

When I returned with their drinks, Nina thanked me and looked into my eyes, but I could see they were having an intense conversation. I wondered whether she was breaking the news to him and thought she was probably smart to do it in a crowded lounge to avoid it getting out of hand, but I didn’t know for certain what was going on, or where this would lead.

While serving other tables, I could not help but keep my eyes on them. Nina sipped her drink and I could tell by how intensely Fred was speaking to her that he was angry. He leaned forward while she leaned back, then she leaned forward, looking at him and speaking. He shook his head, obviously rejecting what she was saying. When I saw her take her ring off, place it on the table and shove it towards him, my heart leaped. She’s doing it. He picked up the ring, took a big gulp of his ale, slammed the empty mug down on the table and left the lounge.

Nina turned and looked at me carrying a tray to a table. When I finished serving I came over to her. I leaned forward to pick up her empty glass and Fred’s mug, still trying to be discreet.

“I did it.” She took a breath and let out a deep sigh.

“That must have been hard. I saw him leave pretty upset.”

“Now I have to tell my parents. Talk about disturbing the universe.”

“Right, that’s going to be really hard, I know.”

She nodded and sighed. “Listen, you can’t come to my room tonight, Fred will be there. Let’s meet down by the pool. It’s dark. No one will see us.”

“I’ll sign out in half an hour and meet you there at eleven.” I glanced up at the clock and saw it was almost ten-thirty.

“Cool.” She smiled and touched my hand.

I continued serving, but my mind swirled with what was going on. What’s going to happen when she sees Fred again? She’s going to have to go back to her room. She’s in a tough spot. How will she tell her parents? What’s going to happen with me and Nina when she leaves on Sunday? That last thought jolted through me. Will I ever see her again?

Somehow I managed to serve my tables, but I was on automatic, glancing up at the clock. When I told Charlie I was signing out and started to leave, he asked, “What’s wrong? You usually hang out and have a drink. Then Catherine came over to me while picking up an order and just said, “Watch out.”   

“What do you mean?” I looked at her, surprised that she said that.  

“I see how you two look at each other in the dining room. You know, I don’t miss much, and I saw how that guy left in a huff. Something is going on with you two.”

“Not really,” I said. Damn, she doesn’t miss a trick. I was baffled by Catherine’s seeming to know everything but wanted to get out of there and meet Nina.

“Not really, huh,” she repeated and chuckled. “When people say not really, it’s always a lie. You can’t fool a woman who has been around the block like me.”

“I have to go. I’ll tell you about it later.” I turned and started to leave.

“Okay, but watch out.” She reached out and placed her hand on my chest. “I see a broken heart coming.”

Catherine’s words alarmed me, but I shoved them aside and left the bar, walked through the lobby then out to the pool. It was dark and there were no lights by the pool, but the moon was still full and I could see Nina laying on one of the cushioned lounge chairs at the far end. I sat down next to her and saw that she had tears in her eyes. I took her hand and rubbed it gently then she squeezed my hand. Neither of us spoke but just looked at each other. She wiped away a tear with her knuckle.  

“I’m a wreck. That was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and the worst is yet to come.”

“But you did it.”

“I don’t want to go back to the room. I might just sleep out here. I can’t face him.”

“I’ll stay with you. I can get a blanket.”

“I think I want to be alone.”

“If that’s what you want, I’ll get you a blanket and let you be alone.”

“I don’t know what I want. I don’t know anything.”

I leaned forward and put my arms around her and lifted her so we could hug and not talk or think. She wrapped her arms around me and we embraced tenderly. I moved my hands to her shoulders and held her head to my chest, just wanting to soothe her.

Suddenly we heard a sound at the other end of the pool. We were in the shadow of a nearby tree so we could see him, but he could not see us. “It’s Fred. He must be looking for me.”   

We lay perfectly still hoping he would not come our way. We watched him looking in all directions. He walked from one side of the pool to the other and it looked like he was coming towards us. We did not budge and held our breath. The thought of him finding us in each other’s arms sent panic alarms while we stared, watching him. Nina grabbed and squeezed my hand. I glanced down and saw the fear in her eyes and then the sense of relief when he turned and walked back up the road to the main building.

“Whew, that was close,” she said, swallowing.

“Too close. I feel like I’m in a romantic comedy, except it’s not funny.”

“Who knows? Maybe one day we’ll look back and see how absurd and funny it is.”

“Funny?”

“Yeah, here I am the good little girl who sneaks off with a waiter and has a passionate fling, breaks off with her engagement and decides to let the real Nina out. It’s like that movie, Dirty Dancing. Did you see it?”

“Is that what this is, a fling?”

“I don’t know what it is. I think you’re amazing. I still have to tell my parents what’s happening.”

“I hope this is not just a fling, Nina.”     

“Let’s play it by ear. Right now, I have a lot to sort out. I can’t keep on living like this. I told you I’m an honest person, but so much of how I am living has been a lie.”

I felt my chest constrict, sensing I was getting the brush-off. “I can help you sort things out.”

“No, you can’t. I need distance, perspective.”

“What about me? I want to get to know you, be with you. I don’t want this to be a fling, a summer romance.”

“I understand. I said let’s play it by ear. If this is meant to be it will be.”

“So you’re quite the philosopher, aren’t you?”

“I don’t know about that. All I know is I need to be alone. Don’t take this personally. This is not about you.”

I suddenly stood up and looked down at Nina. “I’ll go and get you a blanket. If you want to sleep out here and be alone, that’s fine. I understand. ”

“Thanks.” She reached for my hand and squeezed it.  

I ran up to the bunkhouse and grabbed a blanket from the closet and brought it back and covered her. I sat down on the lounge and leaned forward and we kissed deeply and tenderly, then I whispered, “Okay, let’s just play it by ear. I’ll see you in the morning. Get some sleep.”

I went back to the bunkhouse and got into bed but had difficulty getting to sleep, thinking about what was happening. I didn’t know if I was being used by Nina. Was I just a summer fling? Would she leave with her family and I’d never see her again? "Let’s play it by ear; whatever will be will be; I need to be alone. It’s not about you.” All these thoughts kept me awake, staring at the ceiling.

The next morning, Nina’s parents and Fred were at breakfast. They looked agitated. Nina’s seat was empty. I wondered if she was still asleep by the pool and went to the big picture window and saw that the lounge chair was empty. The blanket was still there.

Larry, the assistant manager, called me over to his table in the corner where he ate breakfast with the owner and his wife. He handed me an envelope. He looked at me as if he knew something I didn’t know but didn’t say anything.

It was a letter from Nina. I was anxious to read it, but knew I had breakfast orders waiting to be served. I read the letter anyway. It was short.

Dear Peter. I left early this morning on the bus to New York and from there I am going to San Francisco. Larry drove me to Stroudsburg and I asked him to give you this letter. I want you to know you are amazing and I doubt I will ever meet anyone else like you—even after two days, I know that.  I will be in touch but it is important that I be alone and far away for now. Love, Nina.

PS.  You were not a fling.

I felt tears swelling as I read the letter then stuffed it in my back pocket. I glanced at Larry then went back to serving my tables.

That summer was twenty years ago. Nina and I have three children and she is now a successful painter and has had several shows. I have been teaching English at a community college and have published two books of poetry. I still remember that night by the pool when she said, “One day we’ll look back and see how funny and absurd it was.” It took a while for her parents to accept both me and the disappointment that their plans for Nina didn’t work out. I learned that sometimes playing it by ear is the only way to live. I remember hearing a joke. “If you want to make God laugh, tell Him you have a plan.”