I looked out the window and daydreamed while my history teacher was in the middle of his lecture.
“Jay, would you like to answer the question?”
I immediately snapped my attention out of my daydream.
“I’m sorry. What was the question again?”
The teacher smiled, knowing that he had caught me daydreaming again. “I asked in what year did the space shuttle as we know it today lift off for the first time?”
I sighed, “1981.”
He smiled at me. “Very good. I see you have been reading like I have assigned. But please pay attention Jay.” And then he continued his lecture about the space program.
I was about to drift off again when I heard someone giggle behind me. I looked back to see the girl I have known since kindergarten…Amanda.
I smiled at her and she smiled back. As I was about to do something else like wink or something that would get her to smile at me more, the bell rang, signaling that class was over and I had ten minutes to get from one side of campus to the other for my next class.
As I left the room and began my walk to my next class I heard her speak.
“Do you mind if I walk with you to your next class?”
I smiled at her and said, “Isn’t that normally a guy's line to a girl?”
I watched her blush as I made my joke. To this day, no matter how many girls I talk to I always have problems with her. I thought about how cute Amanda looked, and no matter what, I had to admit I had a crush on her.
I sighed to her, “Sure you can walk me to our next class.”
With that she smiled at me. As we were walking and I heard her ask, “So Jay, how was your summer?”
Seeing how it was our first week back from summer for our sophomore year in high school we really hadn’t hanged out like we normally did for the summer. Amanda had just turned 16 just weeks before school had started back up. I had been 16 just before my freshman year ended.
Also it was because I had earned a trip to travel across Europe and through Japan because of a sweepstakes that I had won. So during my summer I got to see a lot of sights and learned a lot of things that school hadn’t taught me yet.
I shrugged at her not wanting to really brag or anything, “It was summer.”
She smiled up at me, “Oh please. I wasn’t the one who got to travel to Europe.”
I laughed as we walked, “So you know about that?”
She slapped my arm as we walked, “Are you kidding me? Everyone knows. Come on, we do live in a small town.”
I sighed as I scratched my head, “Sorry I just didn’t want to brag.”
She smiled up at me, “Will you at least tell me what it was like?”
Just then we reached class. I looked at her, “Maybe another time when we aren’t in class.”
She nodded as the teacher informed us we had to sit in our assigned seats. I went to my seat on one side of the class and I watched as Amanda sat on the other side of the class.
After everyone had sat down the teacher began her lecture I watched as Amanda had begun writing in her notebook. I imagined she was taking notes on the current lecture of our reading material. Just when the teacher turned around to write something on the board I watched as she handed a note off to someone.
I watched to note travel from her side of the room until it reached mine. I prayed as I watched the note travel that it wasn’t for me. Mainly because I didn’t want to talk about my summer abroad, finally the girl sitting in front of me handed the note back.
The girl simply whispered, “This note is for you.”
I looked down at the note and saw that it was folded with my name on it.
I was about to open the note and noticed the teacher turned around to face the class and continue her lecture. I quickly placed the note under my notebook and waited for the teacher to turn her back on the class again.
I didn’t have to wait long before the teacher turned her back again to write something more on the board. I pulled the note from under my notebook and unfolded it.
As soon as I opened the note I read what Amanda had written. “So when will you tell me what you did during your summer?” I looked at the note for a while trying to figure out exactly what I wanted to say.
Finally after some debating I found what I wanted to say. I simply wrote: “It was fun. It’s nothing like here. It’s hard to describe. If you get the chance to ever go I can suggest some places that were phenomenal.”
Being happy with what I wrote, I folded the paper and waited until class ended so I can hand the note back to her.
The rest of the lecture was pretty much boring and felt like time slowly went by before the bell rang.
I gathered up my folder and books and headed off to my next class. As I was leaving Amanda was waiting at the door for me.
She looked at me and said, “So what did you write?”
I smiled at her, “Read it for yourself. I have to head off to my next class.”
I quickly walked off so I couldn’t see her reaction to what I wrote. It wasn’t long before I heard her yell at me as I walked away.
“You’re going to have to be more descriptive than that.”
I smiled to myself as I raised my hand up and waved bye to her as I continued walking to my next class.
The rest of the day was uneventful. I just prayed during my classes that I didn’t see Amanda again for the rest of the day.
No matter how much I had a crush on Amanda I just couldn’t speak around her. Each time she and I spoke my heart would flutter, my brain would shut off, and I couldn’t find my voice. Every time we talked or when we hanged out my conversations were always simple and to the point, which always drove her crazy.
The last bell rang and I was happy the day was over. I quickly packed up my notebook and threw all my books in my backpack so I could walk home. I just prayed Amanda wasn’t waiting for me so we could walk home together like we normally did.
As soon as I left campus and walked my normal route home I heard her yell behind me.
“Hey wait up stranger.”
I turned around and watched her run up to me. I cursed under my breath asking myself why didn’t I just keep walking without her.
She finally caught up and was shortly out of breath, “Why didn’t you wait for me?”
I smiled and shrugged, “I figured one of your new friends would offer you a ride home.”
She laughed as we began to walk, “Please...those guys just want to get in my pants.”
I looked at her as we walked to our respective houses, “What about your female friends?”
Once again I watched as she laughed, “Please they don’t drive yet. They either walk home like us, take the bus, or get rides from their parents. Besides I actually like walking with my best friend.”
With that comment she wrapped her arm around mine and leaned on me as we continued to walk.
I scoffed, “Glad to know I’m still your friend.”
She slapped my arm, “Why are you being so much of a dickhead?”
I laughed at her comment, “Now, you know I’m not a dickhead.”
She quickly retorted, “But you’re acting like one.”
I frowned at her, “Sorry, I didn’t realize I was acting like a dickhead.”
I watched as she pretended to pout at me. “Why don’t you want to talk about your trip?”
I ran my hair through my hair as I tried to think about my answer. I mean, yeah, I had a great time in Europe, but there was one topic I was trying to avoid at all costs…me losing my virginity. Amanda and I have been friends since kindergarten and for some reason I was afraid to tell her I lost my virginity during my trip in Europe. Why was I so afraid I asked myself.
Finally I sighed, “I don’t know. Can I just say I had a great time? Saw amazing sights. Went to some interesting places. And leave it at that? Please?”
She looked at me and as if realizing I was trying to hide something from her. She finally sighed, “Fine, be that way.”
We continued to walk the rest of the way home without saying a single word.
Finally we reached her house first. I looked at her, “Here we go. You’re home safely. Take care.”
I began to walked the next three blocks to my home when I heard say something.
“Is there any way I can talk you into helping me with my homework?”
I turned around and looked at her. I smiled, “The smart girl is asking the jock for help on her homework.”
She frowned at me, “Well excuse me. I wasn’t the one who was assigned calculus for math. I figured you could help me with my algebra.”
I looked at her for a moment. I sighed, “Sure. I’ll help you.” And followed her into her house and up to her bedroom.
I was shocked when I entered her bedroom to see most of her little girl posters that were on her wall were now replaced with different rock bands. Her bed no longer had Winnie the Pooh bed sheets, it now had a simple blue comforter on it. Everything in her room had changed completely. I laughed to myself and thought I guess I wasn’t the only one that had changed over the summer.
I sat down on her bed and quickly said, “Alright what part of your homework are you having problems with?”
She showed me her assignment in Algebra and we quickly got to work on her homework.
After what felt like an hour of helping her, she looked at me. “Is there anything you want to tell me?”
I looked up at her, “What do you mean?”
Just then her parents came home.
Her father called up to Amanda, “Honey we’re home. How was school?”
She called down, “It was ok.”
Her father called up to her, “Do you have any friends up there that I should know about?”
Once again she called down to her dad, “Yeah, Jay is up here helping me with my homework. Is that ok?”
Her dad called up, “That’s fine honey. Just make sure he leaves in thirty minutes because that’s when dinner is done.”
She sighed and called down, “Ok.”
She looked at me, “Well we don’t have much time. Seriously what is up with you? Before you left we told each other everything. Now that you are back, you’re hiding something.”
I sighed and finally couldn’t take it any longer. She was right. We were the closest of friends. But for some odd reason because I went off to Europe I had changed. I didn’t know how to tell her. I couldn’t find the words to tell her that I had lost my virginity. It’s not like I had broken some promise to her to save myself for when or if we were ever ready to more from friendship to relationship. I just didn’t know if this information would change how we were.
Finally I decided how I was going to tell her. I quickly ripped out a piece of paper and wrote down that I had lost my virginity while I was away in Europe. I quickly folded the piece of paper before she could read over my shoulder.
I held out the piece of paper to her. “Well I better get going. Don’t read this until after I leave.”
She grabbed onto the folded piece of paper. I held onto it and simply said, “Promise.”
She looked into my eyes and as if seeing how serious I was. She simply nodded.
I hugged Amanda and told her I would talk to her later. As we hugged she kissed me on the cheek and her hand was on the small of my back. I thought to myself she had never done that before. Was this her new way of saying good bye? I shrugged off the thought.
I turned around and began my walk home. As I walked down the stairs I heard her say, “Is it ok if I call you after dinner?”
I bowed my head and felt completely guilty. Was she beginning to show she liked me as more than a friend? I didn’t know what to do. I turned around and tried to hide the guilt off my face.
I smiled at her, “Sure.”
I turned around, I said my goodbyes to her parents, and left her house. I walked out onto the sidewalk and turned around to look up at her window.
Was I second guessing something going on between me and Amanda. I shrugged as I turned around to walk home.
The entire time as I walked home I thought to myself. Why didn’t I just tell her? Was her hand on my back an opening to actually make a move on her?
All in all everything just came down to one simple fact: I had a crush on the girl I have grown up with and didn’t know what do to about it.
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