My thoughts were wrong
Somedays I wonder if I'll ever find the light. I wonder if I'll ever be happy or if I will be in misery the rest of my life. The thoughts of us fill my brain and make my body tingle, putting a smile on my face; how will I ever know if our paths will cross again?
My brain remembers the sound of her soft voice and her soft grey eyes burning into me, the instant arousal that came straight to me with just the mere thought of her eyes on me. My body aches with the thought of her perfectly shaped body hugged in her favorite white tank top; her long nicely toned thighs wrapped in the soft black spandex that she loved so much.
My heart is helplessly wrapped around her finger, wondering if anything more will come. Her sweet voice sounded like music every time she spoke, my body quivered at every word. She is my drug and I'm still addicted.
The many thoughts rushing through my mind are so detailed, it's like they are just happening again.
The time we went to the river, her soft tanned body glistening in the sun, laying there so calmly her hair pulled up in a bun. That soft smile on her lips, with the sun caressing her body so perfectly. My eyes watching her every move and every breath with a soft smile on my face. Being in her perfect presence made me grin. My thumb dragging over her soft cheek, the sounds of soft giggles filling the quiet air, as she sits up to look at me. Pulling her sunglasses up, she leaned in to kiss me. The wonders of a first kiss.
How can one person have someone fall so helplessly for them? I aimlessly wander through the grass and weeds where we once walked side by side, hand in hand. A smile floods my lips as I once again can feel her hand in mine, walking straight for the tree that we sat under. I slowly slide to the ground staring up at the sky. I can feel her looking at me. But where is she? Why do I hope nothing more but to once again find her?
My eyes slowly tear as I think of her kneeling in front of me staring into my eyes, her warm grey eyes going cold, my hands clutching hers when she pulls me closer, her lips find my forehead, then my nose, then my cheek, and finally her lips find mine. A gasp catches in my throat and my eyes close as a tear falls down my cheek. She holds me and makes soft noises to calm me. Her confidence engulfing me, letting me know everything will soon be fine.
Why was it that the thought of her leaving me scared me more than death? Her soft breathing in my ear causing my eyes flutter open to see her beautiful smiling face. Looking at her teeth so straight and white, her eyeteeth with their sharp points, keep my gaze before it slowly moves to her grey eyes. My blue eyes stay on hers as my hand finds hers. She smiles and leaves the room with nothing said. Sometimes silence can say one thousand words.
I find her in yoga pants and a tightly fitting shirt with her brand new Nikes. Knowing it was time for our run. We ran along the ranch watching the sun rise, feeling her glance at me every now and again, I would look back and she would look away. My giggles surrounded her making her giggle.
How did we know each other so well?
We got to our place where we would sit for hours watching the pond ripple and the turtles popping up and down. Where we watched the horses come and go, hearing the hooves gently push into the soft soil.
She looked over at me with a tear in her eye, immediately my heart dropped wondering what was happening, I got closer kissing her cheek, she grabbed my hand and held on tight as she took a deep breath. I sat still where I was not moving my gaze away from her.
She stared into my eyes whispering softly, "It's over."
My heart sank and tears welled up in my eyes. I was shocked, nothing could come out of my mouth, everything was stuck in my throat. I sat there speechless with tears running down my face. She wiped my tears and kissed me one last time; saying nothing, she ran her fingers through my hair. She stood up and turned to walk away. I stayed sitting there, knowing there was nothing I could do to bring her back. I stared at the rippling pond for hours. Crying, feeling my heart break more and more; feeling it shatter into a million pieces.
My heart was shattered and my mind was overflowing, unable to understand what just happened and why it had to be done. My mind scattered and my very being in an absolute mess.
Unable to find myself, I wander through darkness that seems to never end. One day I hope to be able to find those same grey eyes with that same soft enticing voice that I was so helplessly wrapped up in. One day soon.
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