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Secret Diary

Entries into a secret diary of love and experimentation.
The society I grew up in is considered taboo by most because we don’t conform to the ‘norm.’ We are considered a religious organization, but we don’t live a ‘holy’ life. We live, work, go to school, and are a part of the world. We may work with you or sit by you on the bus or train, you just don’t know it. The choice to have our society secretive is just our way, you will only know about us if you marry or are born into the community. I love being with the community, I get to be myself.

With this being my secret diary and the chronicling of my journey to being a woman of this culture I guess I should introduce myself. Well I turned sixteen today and can now go to the ‘coming of age’ party this summer, I can’t wait. I am just over 5 feet tall, black hair to my waist, and I have green eyes. I am a junior in high school; I hate school, except English where I get to do creative writing and science where I get to learn about nature and the make-up of the world.

Until the party this summer I can only learn about my new role, but I can’t do anything that is above what I can do now as a ‘kid.’ Mom has told me a few things about my new status, but I know that this year I will learn much more about this life and my place within our community. I have new rules now too: I have to be at weekly meetings, wear a long skirt (unless my work requires me to wear something else) and modest shirts, learn so I can decide if I want to be in the community and I need to find a husband. The last two by the time I turn eighteen.

The last one is already decided for me, I have an arranged marriage and I will meet him this summer at the party. I am excited, nervous and pissed that I am being told who to marry. I know that this is to improve my family, but it just pisses me off.

Well good-bye for now.


Wow the party is tomorrow night, I am so excited.

I have been receiving letters from my future husband and he seems kinda sweet. The letters he has been sending me are so romantic and loving. I learned that he is almost eighteen, he graduates this year, he’s going to college this fall and his name is Simon. He sounds so smart, I am very lucky that my parents chose well for me. I can’t wait to meet him.

I have a beautiful dress for tonight. It is a floor length, crushed velvet, navy blue skirt with a tight, cinched waistline. Mom bought me some fancy underwear and high heels to wear too. I feel so grown up and sexy. We are going to get our hair done and nails done in a while, we get a pampered day.

Mom finally told me the rules for the party and I’m a bit unhappy about them, but they are something I need to get used to. I can’t be alone with any boys under eighteen and she would like it if I was not alone with any boys. We can’t touch, but for our hands, unless we are dancing and then no close dancing. She wants me to be reserved in my conversations too. I have no idea how to conserve my talking. Even with the rules I’m sure it will be fun.

I know from the ‘classes’ that the men are in charge, most of the time. My father is not like that, he is my best friend and we talk about everything. My mother and I are close, but we don’t talk much about anything except school. Father and I talked last night about how much my marriage will help the families standing in the community and with his business, Simon comes from big money. I told my father that Simon’s letters were very polite and kind. He seemed relieved that I am showing an interest in him. I too am glad that Simon is not like some of the others that want a very passive girl, I can be very outspoken.

Time to go get prettied.


I am so confused. The party was gorgeous, the food was great and it was fun. What is with boys, they are damn confusing. Let me tell you what happened.

I met my betrothed and he is pretty cute. He’s about 6 foot tall, brown hair and green eyes and a really cute ass. He confused the crap out of me. He was not charming or romantic like in his letters. I didn’t know who he was. He acted like a spoiled brat and he was rude. When we danced he tried to kiss me, I was so embarrassed. I wondered what was wrong with him and where the boy that sent me those letters was hiding?

He asked me to come to the balcony with him and his brother would escort us. I thought that maybe getting him away from everyone would bring the boy of the letters out, but I was so wrong.

We walked out on the balcony and he grabbed me a turned me to him as he kissed me, he has such soft lips and I loved his kiss. I knew we were not to kiss, but damn it was so passionate. I felt his hands moving all over my body touching where he was not allowed until we were married, it was so naughty. Simon kissed my neck and whispered in my ear that he had wanted to kiss me from the first letter and then even more when he saw me. He told me he wanted to be married now so he could touch my skin and feel our skin rubbing together. I was drowning in his words and my imagination. He had me so turned on, I wanted to fall into his arms and let him do what he wanted.

We kept making out and kissing, I could have kissed him for days as his brother was on look out. He coughed a few times stopping us as we quickly separated and just held hands. Knowing I was breaking a huge rule was thrilling. I had never been this bad before. We kissed and touched each other many times over the night. It was fun to sneak around.

We talked about meeting after the party. I agreed to sneak out of the house, for the first time, to meet him in a park. I thought about how to get out the house for the rest of the party. I decided that my window would be the best route. I couldn’t wait to get home.

When we got home I told my parents I was tired and wanted to get to bed soon. They bought the whole thing. When I got to my room I took my dress off and changed into jeans and a t-shirt, I didn’t even change my underwear since I felt so sexy in them. I was so quiet and was at the park in no time, sneaking out was easy.

Simon told me that when he saw me in jeans he was very pleased that I was ok wearing other clothing and that he wanted to feel the tight denim against my skin. We kissed and played over our clothes, we both were moaning into the kiss as my skin started to run hotter.

Our kiss slowed and we talked about our life. He told me that he didn’t want anyone to know that he was into me at the party so he was being very rude. He apologized and we were kissing again, I love his lips.

As I sat in his lap facing him I could feel he was getting hard as he pulled me tight against him. I wanted to be so naughty so I rubbed on him like we would when we could have sex. My panties were soaked as he unbuttoned my jeans. I pushed his hand away, but he just smacked my ass and told me to behave. He had my jeans undone fast. I asked him again to stop and he told me that he was going to be my husband and I had better get used to doing things his way. I could not believe that the boy I was dying to hang out with was being such a jerk, but he was right. If I marry him it will be his way. I stopped fighting and let him do what he wanted. It was not difficult I wanted to feel him touch me. He told me that it was ok to make out as long as we didn’t go all the way. It’s dangerous and if we get caught we are both in big trouble.

I knew what sex was and even some of the more intimate details from my friends, but to feel him touching me. I just about lost in my mind as he reached my panties. His fingers brushed under the band and I pushed my hips up urging him to explore farther. Once I gave into him I wanted to break all the rules.

He put my hand on his crotch and told me to feel how much he wanted me, I felt his dick throbbing and pushing against his jeans. As I ran my hand up and down him he groaned and pushed his hand under my panties touching where no one had touched me before, he tickled my hair making me giggle.

He kissed my lips and my neck as he played and I twitched and danced around. He whispered many things in my ear; how much he wanted to fuck me. That we were meant to be together, that I could open his pants and so many things he wanted to do and have me do to him. I did unbutton and put my hand in his pants and touch him over his underwear, I was too nervous to do anything else. He was long and felt so hard I think it was painful because he groaned alot.

It was getting late so we stopped and he walked me home. We walked like lovers, holding each other and stopping to kiss frequently. When we reached my house I was so sad to see him leave, but the kiss was amazing. I agreed for him to pick me up at the mall next Friday and we would go to a movie alone. We kissed again and I watched him walk away.

I felt so bad sneaking out, but it was so worth every minute.


What a long week, but finally it is Friday. I talked to my best friend about boys and making out, she told me a few things she likes to do that drive the boys’ nuts. Now it is my turn to try them. She told me about oral and stuff like that too, basically how to get off without having sex, we even talked about trying to touch each other and see what feels good. That will have to wait until later.

So, I just got home from meeting him for the movie. We went to some stupid movie that no one else wanted to see. I didn’t see any of the movie. When the lights went out we were all over each other. I found that skirts have their purpose, his hand was up my skirt before I had his jeans unbuttoned. We quickly got back to where we left off in the park, but this time I wasn’t wearing panties. I loved the look on his face when his fingers touched only my skin; he was shocked. I blushed as I told him that I wanted to surprise him. He kissed me hard and moved his had fast to cup and grab my pussy, as he calls it. He told me how wet I was over and over as his fingers rubbed up and down exploring the entire area.

I mirrored his hand as I squeezed his hard cock, this time under his underwear. The second my fingers touched his bare cock he flinched and I jumped. I thought I had hurt him, but he told me he was surprised that I actually touched his skin and that he wanted me continue. I grew to love the feel of him pulsing and jumping depending on where I touched him. It scared me a bit when I felt his head getting wet, but from my best friend I knew that I was doing things right.

As the movie played so did we. When his fingers found my opening I froze, did I want him inside. It was breaking the biggest rule but I was so excited I didn’t care. He asked if he could and I nodded. I am so glad I nodded, it was awesome. He looked into my eyes as he slowly pushed his finger in and asked me if I was ok. I told him to keep going and he smiled. Soon he was knuckle deep and brushing my insides. Nothing in my life had ever felt that good. I wanted to hold him there forever. He did push in further touching all around me. I looked into his eyes, squeezed him, kissed him and felt him insert another finger. I love the feel of his fingers inside me and hearing him say how tight and wet I was. We both said we wanted to fuck, but I would not let him if he tried, but just hearing and saying it was exciting.

My body flushed and a pressure built low in my body as he worked me to my first orgasm. I think it caught him off guard because he stopped kissing me and asked if I wanted to stop. I stroked his cheek and said to him, ‘please, don’t stop.’ He smiled and asked me if I trusted him, I told him I did. I was not prepared for him to take out his fingers and kneel in front of me.

I watched as his head disappeared under my skirt. He kissed my thighs as he pulled my hips closer to the edge. I soon felt his breath on my pussy. Simon ran his fingers up my slit then back inside me as he blew cool air on me. I tried to stay quiet, but I was moaning loudly. I bit the collar of my shirt. It was good that I did as he replaced his finger with his tongue and I almost fell off the seat. I felt all the nerves in my body fire at once as hot iron flowed through my veins, my skin radiated heat from my core outward and my muscles tightened. I tried to close my legs tight around his head to hold him to me. He kept them apart as he continued to lick and suck on me. I felt the muscles low in my body clench and my back arch as I gave myself over to the sensation he caused inside me. I felt a rush of fluids flow out of me as he licked up every drop, each caress of his tongue and fingers making me quiver even more. Simon rubbed the insides of my thighs calming me.

Simon’s face slowly emerged from beneath my skirt; even in the dim theater I could see his smile. He grabbed my hips and rose to kiss me, his soft lips covered in my musky emissions. They tasted so sweet. We left the theater before the movie ended. I had a little trouble walking, but he held me close so I could balance. I can’t wait to see another movie with him.

We talked about several things as he took me home. One was how we are going to keep seeing each other without getting caught. We decided that I’m going to tell my parents I’m tutoring another student after school, that way we could see each other every day. Simon is going to pick me up after school. I’m so full of anticipation, if things are like tonight, wow I just can’t wait.

Simon asked me if I had ever had an orgasm, I blushed when I told him no. He told me that he had never experienced a woman’s before, but wanted more. I told him that he could do that whenever he wanted. It made me feel so alive. He asked about the kiss after and if I could taste myself, I told him I could and that it was a wonderful taste. He agreed that it did taste very good.

I better get some sleep, so it is off to bed with me. I am so glad I started this diary so I can share my thoughts somewhere. I promise to be back with more.


Sorry I have not written in a while, but I have been very tired and busy. I snuck out a few times over the last of the summer and met with Simon. We have been experimenting and just learning about each other. I am so in love with him and he is in love with me. We want to be together all the time. We talk on the phone for hours about everything: school, family, sex and how much we miss just being able to touch. If I could I would marry him now just so we could be together every day. My friends think I’m crazy that I want to spend my life with him, but I love him so much.

When school started Simon began picking me up after school for a few hours. It is against the rules, but my best friend is covering for me. We have been making out for a couple of hours every day, we are getting very intense. I’m not sure where this is leading and if we are going to be able to wait for a year. He is leaving for college in a few weeks, but won’t be far. He will be too far to pick me up from school every day so we are trying to think of another plan to meet in secret. I haven’t had any clue how we are going to do it, I’m at a loss. I will miss him when he is gone and I’m afraid that he will meet someone in college that knows more than me and that I might lose him. I’m torn. If we have sex then I’m disobeying everything I have been taught, but if we don’t I might lose him to someone that will give that to him. What do I do? I’ve talked to a few friends and some say that I should wait and see and others just say do it who cares, crap this is hard.

Simon is not pressuring me, but I still think that he wants more. He has tried to get me to let him in my ass or my mouth, but I have problems with both. My ass, well I can’t get past the idea that it is painful. He’s told me I need to relax and it will get better, but I guess I’m not ready yet. My mouth I don’t mind so much. I like to feel him in my mouth, but I haven’t let him cum inside. I’ve tasted him off my hand, but I’m worried about all of it in my mouth. Simon says that I am very good with my mouth, he is too, and that he wants to go; but he will wait until I say he can. Am I being too finicky?

I guess I just need to sleep on it more and see what my subconscious has to say. Be back soon.


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