Dear Diary, 

We are beginning to talk less and less now, it seems. My heart still yearns for his attention and I still find myself wishing things were different. My thoughts still gravitate towards him and they flood my mind every time I get a moment alone. I still continue to dream of him at night but recently my dreams have become more of nightmares where he is involved. I have also begun to notice that I can be more easily distracted during the day now that it has been a few months, though, and I am more grateful now than I ever have been for the pleasant distraction that my new girlfriend has brought me. 

Yes, you heard that correctly. My new girlfriend. 

Darci and I have made it official. After a couple months of fun, she asked to go be more exclusive and I accepted. She is truly an amazing person who somehow keeps my sane and always smiling, so I could not see any reason to decline the request. We have a lot of fun together, her and I. She is an incredible lover and an even more incredible person who I enjoy spending a great deal of my time with. I am even finding my thoughts conjuring up images of her more frequently as the days go by. I find myself daydreaming of the next time I get to see her and the more racy fantasies are always good to help relieve a bit of tension between the days when our schedules do not coincide. She brings so much positivity to my life and she has the same thirst for life as I do, which I suppose, aids in the way things feel so natural with her. Sadly, I have a feeling that it will only be temporary. Especially since she knows where my heart is and that I can never fully give it to her.  

I have to admit that it is a nice feeling to know exactly where you stand with someone and that they are willing to accept you regardless of the situation. To know that I can still be deserving of someone else's affections even with all that is going on in my life. She knows that I still can not push thoughts of him from my mind and yet, she accepts it and still presses on with me. She continues to come visit me, stay with me, talk to me like young lovers should and there is never any question of her feelings towards me.

I try to eradicate him from my thoughts, I really do, but it is not easy and I feel like a terrible, inadequate person because I have not found the strength to accomplish it. Especially as it complicates certain aspects of my relationship with Darci, like sex, for example. There have been times where it is not her I think of and it is not her name that I wish to call out. This has caused me to become more careful during our love making, and I have grown increasingly anxious when all I desperately want to do is let go and enjoy myself. 

I keep going back and forth with the thinking that I should let him go somehow and give my all to Darci.  It is what she deserves given everything that she has done for me, after all. But in truth, I do not want to. I want to have him in my life, even if it is in small patches now. I still can not find a reasoning for why I feel this way and at times, it is maddening. I feel like there is a constant war being waged inside me and no matter what I do, I always lose. My mind and body are putting so much effort into someone who does not care for me when I have someone here who does, right now. I should be ceasing the moment with Darci, right? How can I give her everything she deserves when I am too weak to let go of the man who does not wish to return a single one of my affections?  

Darci is smart, beautiful and so full of life, so why can I not do this? Why can I not give him up and move on? Why do I still allow my heart to linger in his grasp when I can give it to someone so much more worthy of it? 

Hopefully, soon I can have the answers to these questions, Dear Diary. Perhaps then I can move forward with Darci and be happy again. 

Until next time, my Dear Diary. 

Sincerely, 
Melinda Chevalier