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THD: Melinda Chevalier- Entry Three

"Another diary entry from Melinda Chevalier...."

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Dear Diary,

I had a dream about him.

A most shocking and painful dream. In it, we were so close to one another. I was coming to visit him, to see him and the excitement I had felt in this dream matched the excitement I once felt before. The love, the laughter and all the happiness and hope he brought me all tangled into one blissful feeling as I dreamt of riding in a cab to reach him. Of course, in the end, I was unable to find him once I reached my destination. He had not presented me with his presence as promised and even after we had come so far. We were so close to the happy ending but everything between us came to a grinding halt because he did not want me and the panic of this truth is what jolted me back to reality. 

I could not breathe when I awoke. I felt the dreadful pain in my chest and arms, piercing straight into my heart just as it did before. My tears could not be stopped from rolling down my cheeks as the realization hit me once again that I am unwanted by the man I love. 

I know exactly what the dream means, for the message in it is abundantly clear. 

There can be no more. 

No more dreaming of the man I love. No more wanting him late at night, and needing his love to be thrust gently inside me. No more thinking of our bodies intertwined beneath the sheets of my bed. No more thoughts of kisses and soft caresses pressed against my aching flesh. No more wishing for his hands to roam eagerly over every inch of me. No more fantasizing of pianos and a home filled with love, safety, warmth, and family.

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All of these are merely dreams that can never be and if I hold onto them then I will never know peace. 

We will never be together and I know that, with every bit of my being, I know it but God, how do you let it all go? Something so strong and sure? How do you implore your heart of hearts to see reason and allow yourself to heal? How do you tell it to speak with your head and actually listen? To understand that this pain, this appalling heartache, could and will happen again if I continue to do this to myself. 
 
I know my dream is a warning of what will, undoubtedly, come to pass for me and that it is yet another attempt at my head trying to bombard me with rationalism. This fact is what holds me back and what keeps that impossible dream lingering. I understand that it is only my mind rehashing the trauma and fear in order to protect my body from further damage. Knowing this gives me hope that perhaps the ending of these events could still yet turn to my favor and I could get my happily ever after. 

It is only a vicious cycle, however, this I also know and until I find myself able to begin the bitter process of healing, I will continue to think of this man. I will not stop thinking of his body and how much I wish to kiss every inch of it. The dreams of seeing his smiling face will not cease and I will continue to suffer through the love I feel and delight in all of my hopes for the future. 


A pleasure speaking again, dear diary. Until next time. 

Sincerely, 

Melinda Chevalier

 

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Written by MsDirtyLittleSecret
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