It had been three months, and I was still pining for my ex-boyfriend. I am not even sure what I missed. Was it the fumbling attempts at conscious communication, which still somehow seemed to miss the point? Or the disappointing sexual experiences, in which I wasn't even brave enough to communicate my true desires? Regardless, I was filled with a sense of loss (paradoxically).
I turned to one of my other great loves for comfort: gardening. A friend of mine took me out to the field to pull weeds at the commune where he lived. It was a delightful Spring day. Butterflies danced overhead, the wild grass leaned with the breeze. I was soaking up the sun, which beat down on my exposed back like the warmth of a lover's breath.
My friend and I talked and laughed about life, celebrating the abundance we are blessed to have in our community: a richness of friends, opportunities to make dreams come true, and nourishing homegrown food. We weren't getting much weeding done, having set down the tools during one particularly enthusiastic part of our conversation.
A thought of my lost partner washed up on the shore of my conscious mind, and my friend must have seen it, because he looked at me just then. I could see the compassion and love reflected in his face. I asked him, silently, for comfort.
He leaned towards me and he kissed me ever so gently on my left cheek, silently. I felt the kundalini--the coiled snake-like energy that rises up from our sexual centers--awaken and begin to burn. I felt myself begin to surrender.
"Keep going," I whispered, barely audible. He leaned further in, pressing his lips more firmly against my skin this time, closer to my neck, warm and moist.
He lowered his hand (I'm not sure where it had been, perhaps resting on my shoulder? My entire world had contracted into the point where his lips met my face), and I could feel his hand as it moved through my aura. I was sitting on the ground, my legs arranged in a sort of z-shape, in such a way that his hand could slip under my skirt quite easily, where I happened to not be wearing underwear. He ran his fingers along the outer lips of my already-wet yoni so lightly that I think my skin may have jumped towards him to make actual contact. I moaned with deep satisfaction.
When I am touched like this, a wave of overwhelming pleasure washes over me, so that I want to collape into it. If I do so completely, it tends to fade more quickly. I breathed, coming into my center. The tension between us pulsed like the pounding of blood into my clit. I was breathing deeply, my chest expanding and contracting, my breasts rising and falling.
I looked in his eyes and saw the sun reflected in them, like a pond.I reached my right hand over, running my fingers through the hair on the side of his head til I came to the back of his neck, where I rubbed his skin. I felt him tense up, and noticed I was holding tension as well. We leaned towards each other, our foreheads touching, breathing, melting into the ground, I on top of him, his hands at my waist, two more participants in the mating dances of Spring.
I turned my ear to his chest and heard his heart beating, and then my nose was near his armpit. His musky male scent enticed and comforted me.I breathed in deeply, taking in this divine masculine smell--the scent of Pan, who pleasures the nymphs and serenades all the lovers of the forest with his flute.
My friend slid his hands under the waist of my skirt, pushing it down my butt, using a foot to kick it off my legs. It was then that I noticed his head had just missed crushing a patch of newly planted seedlings. I smiled, rolled my arm underneath him, and used my leverage from being on top to flip us both over and away from the vulnerable plants. I was sweating all down my sides, and in the crease of my thighs, which mixed with the flowing nectar of my yoni.
The sweat mixed with the dirt under me. I felt free, letting myself get dirty.
With him on top of me, I could feel his erect vajra pushing up against my nakedness through his jeans, which had been on way too long at this point. Both of us were already conveniently topless; we were at a commune after all. I helped him declothe himself, and there we were--Shiva and Shakti, manifesting once again, in harmony for this moment in time.
Oh, in harmony we were, every movement like the progression of a favorite song. Our kisses on each other's chests interwoven with caresses both soft and firm, our sweat mingling as we slid against one another. When his lips touched my nipples it was as if someone had grabbed hold of me at my core and it was pleasurable beyond description....My head tilted back and I told it to the Gods.
Our panting quickened. He reached between my legs, stroking my inner thighs, then tapped on my clitoris with two fingers. A primal,guttural sound came out of my throat that I didn't even know I could make.
He wriggled towards my yoni, pulling me open like the petals of a lotus flower, caressing my sensitive folds, teasing me by licking the air in front of my yoni with an impish look on his face. When he actually began to massage my clitoris with his tongue I leaned back and received. All around us bees were buzzing from flower to flower, drinking in the nectar as they pollinated our crops. I was a flower too, and he was a bee, buzzing with pleasure as I released more nectar for him to drink. Soon I arched my back and whined like a cat as an orgasm began to spiral through my core body, but he stopped before I went over that edge, so that at the slightest touch to my clit at that moment I would have exploded. He kissed my belly, my lower abdomen, a yoni massage from the outside.
He slid up til our faces were level again. "Mmmmm,"we said at the same time as he brushed his vajra against my wetness.I wrapped my arms around him tightly, crushing our chests together. We rocked back and forth like that for a moment, his vajra barely pressing against my dripping folds.
He teased me like that for a while; I am not sure how long it went on, him beginning to push into me, then stopping before either of us was truly satisfied and pulling back out to rub against my clit. I let the pleasure rise up to my chest,filling my entire abdomen with energy.
After a while he pulled me up as he arranged himself in a cross-legged position (also moving some inconvenient sticks on the ground that we'd been ignoring). I sat on his lap, slowly sitting down onto his vajra, both of us breathing deeply. We put our mouths together, breathing back and forth into each others mouth, staring into each other's eyes, clenching our muscles from within but not moving externally at all. We held this for a long moment, then a hawk screeched from the tree beyond the field and at that moment I felt him began to rock his pelvis- just slightly. I matched him. He leaned back and lay on the ground; I kneeled over him, rocking on his vajra,slowly picking up the pace.
He placed his hands on my hips, massaging me, and I lowered one hand to my clit. Gazing into his eyes in that moment was one of the most intense things I have ever done. I wasn't sure who I was, or him either, and I felt my breath catch and wanted to look away. I didn't though, staying with the intensity. Soon I was panting again as I bounced up and down on his vajra, again about to come, when he flipped me over into a spooning position, my leg draped over his hip. He gave me some hard love bites on the back of my shoulders, then placed his fingers on my clit as he fucked me, and in that moment--he hit the spot
. I yelled uncontrollably with every thrust--"UH-UH-UH-UH-UH----AAAAAAHHHH!" I screamed so loudly when I came I don't doubt anyone within within a half-mile radius heard me. My yoni was spasming, pulsing huge waves of ecstasy up my body. I felt pleasure in my entire body and I could feel him coming with me, yelling in my ear, which magnified my pleasure a hundredfold.
As the waves faded in intensity, he wrapped his arms around me, holding me tightly.
I have always been a lonely person.
Or maybe not always. At some point in my life though, I began to notice a sense of emptiness, as if there was some essential ingredient to life missing from mine.
I have also always believed in magic, and ecstasy.
On that day, I experienced relief from the one and an expression of the other.
They say true comfort comes from within, from being able to be alone with yourself. And that you are responsible for your own pleasure. This is true. I still have my doubts about my own self-worth and ability to feel ecstasy though. Maybe the Gods had Mercy for me that day, or maybe I've actually grown enough to be capable of such an experience.
Either way, the sunset that night seemed more gorgeous than any other. It was no more radiant or colorful than usual, though the view from the top of an abandoned boxcar near the commune helped. I think it was holding hands with this aspect of reality I was so fond of, who had helped me create the ecstasy I had always dreamed of, that made it seem so wonderful.
By the way, did I mention I'm still friends with my ex-boyfriend?
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