(C) 2010 All rights reserved

When the doorbell rang, Emily hurried over to open the door and smiled at Neil. "Hi. Come on in."

"Thanks." He stepped inside and Emily closed the door.

"I'm almost ready. Just need the shoes and earrings."

"Typical woman," Neil joked and Emily rolled her eyes.

"Seems to me we waited on you more than once when you couldn't find your lucky shirt and we were going to a hockey game."

"Touché." He grinned and put a hand on her shoulder, leaned down to kiss her cheek. "It's good to see you, Em. You look terrific."

"Thanks. You look sharp yourself." Emily blinked back tears as she took him in. Neil was not quite six feet tall, with wavy blond hair. He wore gray slacks and a navy blue sweater that highlighted his dark eyes. He and Ben had been friends for years, and it was Neil's former girlfriend, Jen, who'd introduced Ben and Emily.

Neil checked his watch. "Better leave soon if you don't want Sharon sending out the search party."

"Right. Just give me a minute." She nodded and went back to the bedroom.

You're doing fine, she told herself. You're just going to spend some time with friends. Something you should have done a long time ago.

The red dress hung in the closet, and the shoes were still in their box, buried under other boxes. She'd tried but Emily hadn't been able to make herself wear them. Instead she'd opted for her all-purpose dark green dress and black heels. After a check in the mirror, she walked over to her dresser to get her earrings. She remembered the day she'd bought them but refused to think more about it and walked out to the other room.

"Okay, Neil." She gave him a forced smile. "Sorry, ready to go now. Didn't mean to hold us up."

"You didn't." He shook his head, then studied her for a moment.

"What?"

"Nothing. Just…okay, I shouldn't, but I'm going to give you a chance to change your mind. Sharon would kill me, but like I said, I have a good idea of how you might be feeling, so I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to skip the party."

"No." Emily reached for her wrap and draped it over her shoulders. "I said I'd go, and I will. I can't…" She struggled, then huffed out a breath. "I get so angry, you know? I want to blame him, even though I know it's all on me. It's my own fault I haven't seen people or done things."

Neil squeezed her hand and she was surprised by the contact, and how good it felt.

"I know," he told her. "I know that feeling exactly. I always thought the worst part is that you want to tell people, but you're afraid they'll just make light of it, or tell you that you're being silly and it's time to move on."

Emily nodded; he'd described how she felt to a T. "Time to let it go," she managed to say.

Neil gave a short laugh and opened her door. "You know, that may have been the cliché I hated the most."

"I'm sorry if I said it." She locked the door after they'd stepped out and followed him down to his car.

"You didn't. You and Ben both had the sense not to say it."

Neil held the door for her and she slid into the passenger seat, careful to pull her dress aside so that it didn't get caught in the door.

"Tell you what," she said as Neil got in the driver's seat. "Let's make a deal. No clichés, what do you say?"

"Sounds great." Neil patted her hand and pulled away from the curb.

Emily stared out the window, idly toying with an earring.

x-x-x-x

The day she bought the earrings

Emily hummed as she made dinner. She'd taken the day off after a wild two weeks at work and had enjoyed every minute; the only drawback was that Ben hadn't been able to join her. A lazy morning had given way to a leisurely shower, a solo lunch at her favorite restaurant and a shopping trip at the mall.

She'd never been much of a mall rat, but since she wasn't under any deadlines, it had seemed like a fun idea. She'd enjoyed meandering by the stores, stopping in some she'd bypass on a regular day and checking out window displays. A pair of earrings in a store touting handmade jewelry had caught her eye and she'd splurged on the purchase. A few more errands had completed the trip and she'd come home to enjoy a quiet afternoon.

Now she was waiting for Ben and making his favorite for dinner, beef stroganoff. He'd been having as bad a time at work as she'd had and so she hoped she could help him de-stress.

"Hey, sweetie!" she called when she heard him come in.

He stopped and leaned against the doorway to the kitchen. "Hi." His tie hung loose around his neck. Emily took in his wrinkled shirt with the buttons half-undone, his tousled brown hair and the red around his tired green eyes, and smiled.

"You look exhausted." She went over and kissed him. "Go sit down. Want a beer?"

"More than anything." He smiled back and she heard him walk over and drop on the couch as she retrieved a beer from the fridge.

She walked over and held it out. "Here you go."

He took the beer. "You're a goddess."

She squeaked as he reached out with his other hand and pulled her down next to him.

"There, that's much better. God, I thought I'd never get out of there. I had visions of being trapped there, like in dreams where you're beating on the window but no one hears you."

She laughed. "I would have gone after you, I promise."

"I am so glad it's the weekend." Ben took a long swallow of the beer, then dropped his head back on the couch. "Tell me we don't have anything to do, please."

"Well, there is your mom's birthday party tomorrow."

"Oh, Christ." Ben gave a frustrated groan. "Shit, I haven't bought her anything. I forgot."

"I didn't." Emily grinned. "I got her presents at the mall. The new mystery book in that series she reads and a necklace I thought she'd like. I bought a card; you can sign it. The presents are wrapped. And I picked up some cookies to take to the party." She showed him the earrings. "These, too. I splurged."

"They're great. I'll buy you a dozen more pairs. Did I mention how you were a goddess?" Ben stared at her. "Because if I didn't, I will now."

"I made your favorite dinner, and picked up a copy of Holy Grail for us to watch tonight." She couldn’t keep a triumphant note out of her voice. "And ice cream. But that's for me."

"If there is an entity above goddess, you're it." Ben leaned down and kissed her. "I'll feed you the ice cream."

Emily laughed, then gave him a teasing smile. "Pity you're so tired. I thought we might be able to do some…other things tonight. But that's okay."

"Yeah." He paused. "Wait. What other things?"

She shook her head and got up, chuckling as she walked back to the kitchen. Ben followed.

"I'm really not that tired. I'm waking up, look at me."

Emily laughed harder.

"Seriously, Em. Now that I'm out of the office, I feel great. What other things did you mean?"

"Go get changed, Ben."

She resisted him, but it wasn't easy. He offered to do the dishes after they ate, to give her a shoulder massage, even to watch one of her favorite movies, Amélie. Emily stared at him after that, hands on hips.

"You hate that movie. It's French. You don’t like any movie without robots, aliens, and things going 'boom.' Unless it's a comedy."

"I can learn to appreciate it." He looked at her with hope-filled eyes.

"You're desperate."

"No, I'm not. I'm anxious to spend some quality time with you." Ben stepped over and trapped her against the counter, one arm on either side of her. "I mean, the movie sounds great, but…"

"Excellent. I've been looking forward to it. Go sit down." She kept her voice firm, but it was hard to keep the smile off her face.

"You're killing me." Ben gave an aggrieved sigh.

Later they snuggled on the couch as the movie played, laughing at all the skits even though they'd seen the movie a few times each. When Sir Lancelot found the Castle Anthrax, full of young women ages sixteen to nineteen, Ben sighed.

"Lucky bastard."

Emily raised an eyebrow. "Oh, really?"

"Well, I mean, not as lucky as I am, of course."

"Nice save."

"On the other hand…" Ben considered the situation. "They do offer spanking and oral sex."

"You just blew the save. You can sleep on the couch."

"Hey, if you want to be spanked, just say the word. I'm open to new possibilities."

"Pig. They're jailbait. You can sleep in the hallway." Emily giggled, ruining the effect of the words.

"You wouldn't let me." Ben nuzzled her neck and she squirmed. "You like having me in bed. You've said so."

"Well, I don't know. I can't compete with that." She gestured at the television, where Lancelot was under siege by the women and not fighting back with much conviction.

"Oh, yes, you can."

"Is that a challenge?"

Ben grinned. "I plead the fifth."

Emily pulled back, narrowed her eyes and made a decision. "All right, then."

Ben gave her a puzzled look as she urged him to stand up, then his eyes widened as she tugged his jeans down.

"Sit," she told him.

He did. "Emily, sweetheart, I was just kid…" The rest was lost as she knelt before him and slid her lips over his half-hard shaft. He sighed out a breath and dropped his hands onto the couch.

Emily smiled to herself as he raised one hand to stroke her hair. She teased him with her tongue, running it along the underside and up to the head, then taking him in her mouth as deeply as she could.

Ben groaned as she pulled back and slid forward again, and then once more. Her hands started to wander, over his legs and up to his chest. He hissed out a breath as she raked her fingernails through the light covering of hair on his chest and traced circles around his nipples.

"Jesus, Em." Ben's voice was rough. "I'll sleep anywhere you want if you keep doing that."

She chuckled and he gripped her arms as the vibrations traveled from her throat and through his body. She felt him tense and imagined him gritting his teeth, trying to stave off his orgasm. He often did it to prolong her pleasure but she didn't need it now. Still teasing with her tongue, she started stroking him with her hand and his hips began thrusting in time with her rhythm. He grunted as he came, one hand tangled in her hair.

She rose and with a satisfied smile, took in his relaxed expression as she went into the bathroom. She rinsed her mouth, grabbed a towel and returned to the living room.

"Here." Emily handed him the towel.

Ben opened his eyes for a minute, winked at her, then closed them again as he took the towel. "Wow. Now that is a nice way to start the weekend."

Emily laughed and sat on the couch. "Glad you enjoyed it."

"And as soon as I can move again, I'm carting you off to the bedroom to return the favor."

"I don't think we can stay awake that long."

Ben opened one eye. "Is that a challenge?"

"I plead the fifth."

He snaked an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. "I love you, you know."

"I know." She tucked her legs up and snuggled against him. "I love you, too."

x-x-x-x

Emily took a deep breath as they walked up to Chad and Liza's door. She hadn't been around more than a few people at a time, excluding work, since Ben had left.

"Emily!" Liza opened the door and gave her warm smile. "I'm so glad you came!"

"Hi, Liza." Emily stepped in and hugged her hostess. "I'm glad I did, too. Your hair looks great, by the way."

"Thanks! I just couldn't resist a change." Liza's red hair was cut into a short bob, a radical switch from the shoulder-length curls Emily had last seen her with. "It's so much easier to take care of. Hi, Neil."

"Hi, Liza." He smiled and kissed her cheek. "Happy New Year."

"And to you. Come on in, everything's through here."

Emily traded a bracing glance with Neil as they followed Liza into the living room. The place was decorated in Liza's trademark elegant style, with gold garlands around the ceiling, and gold and silver accent pieces placed around the room. Emily shook her head; she had a hard time getting a Christmas tree together without it looking like Charlie Brown's, yet Liza could take a stick and string and make a decoration worthy of Martha Stewart.

She's the MacGyver of interior decorating, Emily thought.

For a while, Emily thought she handled herself well. She exchanged hugs with people she hadn't seen in way too long, and made small talk with others. Instead of feeling overwhelmed, she felt removed, as though she was watching herself interact. Before she knew it, she was writing another letter.

Dear Ben,

I'm at the party. Boy, do I feel underdressed. I wore my green dress—damn you, I couldn't wear the red one—and I feel like I showed up to the ball in a flannel shirt. I can't say I care, though. I should blame that on you, too. Everything all around me and I'm completely indifferent to it.

I'm here, you're not; who cares what I'm wearing, anyway? I'm not even going to stay until midnight. I'll make my rounds, say hi to Sharon to prove I was here, and then I'm out of here before the ball drops. Because you had to ruin this for me, too, didn't you? The later it gets all I can think of is last year and how you got up and made your resolution in front of everyone and blew me away.

It kills me that I still love you.

Emily

x-x-x-x

Last New Year's Eve

"Ben, we'd better tone it down." Emily tugged him into the kitchen. "The neighbors are complaining."

"Who?" Ben looked at her, incredulous.

She raised her eyebrows.

"Who do you think? Mr. Williams from downstairs."

"Please. He complains when we laugh at movies."

Emily couldn't stifle a laugh. "He said, and I quote, 'If you want to kick up your heels, do it quietly.' Then he muttered something about the police but I don’t think he was serious."

"'Kick up your heels?'" Ben repeated. "Jesus, he's from another century. And how in God's name could one do that quietly?"

"Maybe we should have invited him," Emily mused.

"No, no, we should not have." Ben gave her a stern look, then shook his head and smiled. "You're a sweetheart, and I love you for it, but I don't think Mr. Williams would exactly add to the atmosphere."

"Okay, maybe not, but we do live in an apartment building and we should be considerate of the neighbors."

"I hate it when you make sense." Ben kissed her cheek. "Come on, I've got the champagne poured and it's almost midnight."

Emily took a tray of glasses and followed him out. They didn't have a big crowd, but people had been drinking a bit and it was easy to get loud as the New Year approached.

"Hey, guys, let's not add sirens to the celebration, okay?" Ben joked as he handed out glasses.

Emily smiled as she watched him; he was so good with people. He knew what to say and when to say it, who needed a joke to calm down and who needed a stronger word. Everyone took his words with a nod and voices were lowered.

"Almost time!" Liza called out and Ben took the mute off the television.

He came over to Emily as the announcer prattled on and the time approached 11:59. "This is going to be a great year." He put an arm around her shoulders and pressed his lips to her forehead. She smiled up at him.

"Here we go!" Sharon's voice carried over the crowd. "Ten, nine…"

Everyone joined in the countdown and cheered as the ball in Times Square landed and fireworks went off over New York City. Emily looked up at Ben, surprised at the expression on his face as he bent down to kiss her. He'd looked more serious than she'd ever seen him, but it passed so quickly she wasn’t sure if she'd imagined it. Then he was kissing her and she didn't care as she pressed herself against him and lost herself in the kiss.

They broke apart as Chad and Liza led everyone in an off-key rendition of Auld Lang Syne that included more laughter than lyrics.

"Okay, okay!" Ben muted the television. "Since it's my party, I'm making the first resolution."

"Don’t do it, man." Chad shook his head. "If you don't make one, you can't break it."

"And Chad will have an optimistic new year, I'm sure." Ben gave him a dry look and everyone laughed.

"Anyway, as I was saying. I'm making the first resolution." He fixed his eyes on Emily. "I am gong to marry Emily Pearson."

She gaped.

"In front of witnesses?" someone called. That elicited more laughter, but not from Emily or Ben.

"You bet. As soon as she wants to, assuming she wants to." He stared at her, outwardly confident but she could see the fingers of one hand drumming on his leg. "So what do you say, Em?"

"Oh." She was stuck, and cleared her throat. "How about in March? Not much happens in March, so that should be a good time."

"March it is." Ben strode over and grabbed her in his arms, lifting her off the floor as he kissed her, heedless of the audience and their cheers.

She didn't care either. Emily wrapped her arms around him as though she'd never let go and returned the kiss with all the energy she had.

"Hey, where's the ring?" Sharon demanded, but winked to soften the words. "No proposal without a ring."

"I don’t want a ring." Emily looked up at him. "Really, I don't care. I don’t need a ring."

"Well, I did get one. It is tradition," he said as she made to protest. "Hold on, I'll get it."

She shook her head and laughed as he went back to the second bedroom, which was supposed to be an office but had become more of an unofficial storage room. Sharon and Liza came over to offer congratulatory hugs, and then a hush fell over the room.

"Here it is, Em. Think it'll fit?"

Emily stared and burst into peals of laughter as Ben held up the hula hoop.

x-x-x-x

"Hey, how are you holding up?"

Emily looked up to see Neil standing next to her.

"Okay. I guess." She shrugged. "Better than I thought, but…" Terrible. I want to go home. She cleared her throat. "It's good to see everyone but I think I'll head home."

"You sure?"

"You can't go!" Sharon bustled over. "You haven't even been here that long. Come on, Em, stay and have some fun."

Emily wanted to be annoyed, but the concern on Sharon's face washed it away. "I'm fine, Sharon, really. I told you I wasn’t going to stay long. I just don’t think I can handle the…" She made an aimless gesture. "The whole celebration thing. It's not…" She growled at herself. Since when had her vocabulary deserted her?

"I'll take you home, whenever you want to go," Neil told her.

"Just a little longer?" Sharon pleaded. "It's been so long since we've seen you."

"Okay." Emily relented. "A little longer."

A little longer turned into about half an hour. Emily glanced at the television and saw that it was going on 11:45 and was swamped with a wave of fear. Her chest felt tight and her breathing was shallow. Leave, I have to leave. Somehow, she wrested control from her emotions. Feeling calm but brittle, she found Neil and asked to go; he said nothing, only nodded and went to get their coats.

Liza and Sharon tried to get her to stay but she was firm. When Neil brought her wrap, she was grateful to let him steer her away. It wasn't until she was in the car that she felt the tightness ease a little.

"You okay?" Neil glanced over at her.

"I guess. I just couldn't stay anymore. Thanks. I'm sorry to ruin your party." She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, doing what she could to fight back the tears that threatened.

"You didn't. I'd had about enough, myself." He pulled up to a stoplight; there was no other traffic.

Everyone inside to welcome the year, Emily thought. I hate this.

"Want to go home?" Neil asked.

"I guess. I don’t care, really."

"Okay."

Neil drove for a while and Emily paid no attention to where he went. She was lost in so many thoughts and emotions that when Neil stopped, she didn't notice.

"Emily. Want to get out of the car?"

"Hmmm?" She blinked and looked at him, then out the windshield. "Oh. The beach."

"Yeah, come on. I thought we could use a change of scenery." Neil reached back for something and stepped out of the car.

Emily stared for a moment longer, then got out. "Thanks," she said when he draped a coat over her shoulders. They walked onto the sand. It was chilly but warmer than usual for the time of year.

"I won't say I know exactly how you feel, but I have been there, Emily."

"I know. I'm sorry if I've made things more difficult for you."

Neil shrugged. "It’s not a matter of easy or difficult. Jen's been gone over a year and a half now. I was a mess when she died, but I'm better. Don't know what I would have done without you and Ben. When he died…" Neil shook his head. "I tried to be there for you."

"You were." Emily didn't try to stop the tears this time. Neil had been there from the moment she'd found out Ben was gone.

They'd invited him over for dinner, a small start at getting back with his friends after Jen had died. Neil had been ill at ease to start with, but Ben and Emily hadn't pressed, hadn't insisted he enjoy himself and they'd even talked a bit about Jen, for the first time without tears. As Emily prepared dinner, Ben had decided to run down to the store for a six-pack. He'd never come back.

"I felt like it was my fault." Neil kept his eyes fixed on the dark horizon.

"Yours? Why?"

"I didn't really want the beer. I kept thinking I should have gone, or told him to forget about it." His voice was quiet, and Emily reached for his hand to offer and receive comfort. He squeezed hers in silent acceptance.

"I was so angry." Emily wiped at her eyes. "I still am. He left while I was busy, I didn't even know he was going. I never got to say good-bye, I never got to do…anything." Her voice broke despite her efforts to keep her steady. "It's a good thing we'd postponed the wedding, I guess, or I'd be a widow instead of just a fiancée…"

"It's all right, Em." Neil turned and took her in his arms, stroking her back. "It's all right."

Emily clung to him and sobbed, half in sorrow and half in anger. She wasn't sure how long she cried. "Sometimes I hate him because I love him so much still." Her voice was rough and she loosened her arms around him but didn't let go. She wasn't sure she could, she felt so raw inside.

"I know what that's like." Neil rested his cheek on top of her head. "Boy, do I know."

"I feel like I let him ruin everything for me, and then I get mad at myself and him. I can't even watch the movies I like that he didn't because I keep thinking…" She swallowed. "I keep remembering how much fun it was when he'd tease me about them, or make a big deal about doing something else and why do I let that happen?"

"I did things like that." Neil started walking but kept an arm around her. "I didn’t listen to a bunch of music because it seemed like every lyric reminded me of her, or us."

"I don't think I've listened to songs with words in them for six months." Emily felt calmer, and comforted by Neil's presence.

He gave a quiet laugh. "I did that, too. Started listening to all kinds of stuff I'd barely even thought about before, anything that didn't have a connection. Between you, me and the ocean, I even listened to some god awful Euro-techno-pop or whatever. I threw the discs out."

Emma gave a brief smile, but it faded. "When…when does it stop…"

Neil sighed, and Emily knew he understood the question even though she hadn't finished it. He was quiet for a while, marshaling his thoughts, and she stared out at the water and listened to the crash of the surf.

"I don't think it ever does 'stop.' Not entirely. There's always a part that…aches, maybe?" He tightened his arm around her and she rested her head on his shoulder. "Anyway, I guess it just aches a bit less, but only if you let it." He gave a dry laugh. "Boy, do I sound like an episode of Dr. Phil, or what?"

Emily smiled and slid an arm around his waist. "Maybe, but it's okay. I think that's what I've been doing. Hanging on to the ache, to missing him. I don't know why, exactly, but I'm afraid of going on without him." Tension eased from her body when she spoke the words.

"I was, too, with Jen." Neil nodded. "It feels like you're being unfaithful or something. But you can't just hide yourself away, no matter how you try."

"My grandmother always said life goes on and takes you with it, whether you want it to or not."

"She sounds like a smart lady."

"She is." Emily sighed. "So do you think that's what I've been doing? Wallowing in grief?"

"Maybe. But it's hard not to. I know I came really close and my friends kept me from getting in too deep."

"I don’t want to keep hurting like this, but I don't know how to stop." Emily dabbed at her eyes.

"Yes, you do." Neil stopped and turned to face her. "I told you the ache fades, but you have to let it. That cliché we both hate? About letting it go? Well…it's a cliché for a reason, Emily. There's a lot of truth there."

"Did you let Jen go?" She looked at him with a mixture of hope and fear.

"Not Jen." He shook his head. "The hurt. I let the hurt go. She wouldn’t want me living with the hurt the rest of my life, and you know Ben wouldn’t want it for you, either." He pushed a strand of hair back behind her ear. "I was going to give you a little more time before I said anything, but I was going to say something."

"Really?" Emily tried for a smile. "Was I wallowing so much?"

Neil gave her a gentle smile in return. "Getting there. I'd have stopped you."

She took his hand and they walked a little farther. Emily had never felt so raw, yet for all that, she realized she felt better than she had in months. She was exhausted, but this walk, and talking with Neil was something she'd needed to do. Probably needed to do this a long time ago. I can't mourn him for the rest of my life. He wouldn't want that, and I can't do it.

"Come on, we should get back." Neil stopped for a moment, looked out over the ocean one last time, then started back towards the car.

"It must be past midnight." Emily rubbed her eyes. "Happy New Year."

"It can be. If you want it to be."

"I do." She sighed. "I really do. I can't be this…sad all the time."

"No, you can't. No one can. You just have to let the ache go and then you can live again. It's hard, but I promise, you can do it."

"Thanks, Neil." She kissed his cheek.

"Any time." He opened the door for her and she sat inside, grateful to be off her feet.

They rode in silence for a while and then Neil asked, "Want to see a movie?"

"I don't think the theaters are open."

He laughed. "I have plenty at home. How about you?"

"A whole rack full and a few lying on the floor."

"Why don’t we flip a coin to decide where, and then we'll find something."

"Sure." Emily smiled. "In the mood for anything in particular?"

"Something quiet. No explosions or robots."

Emily chuckled and reached over to squeeze his hand. "Louis, this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship."

He winked. "I knew this year would be better."