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Captain Scrotum and the SS Thrust

"Welcome to the world of the most useless horny space pirate that ever lived."

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The year is 3462, and sadly the earth is dead. What was left of its population spread through the heavens looking for a new home. Of course, once they left earth they found out they weren't alone in the universe. The rest of the sentient life forms had just been hiding from the destructive, backward human race. They had been manipulating images and shielding the earth from messages which otherwise would have reached the planet.

Slowly over the centuries the remnants of the human race joined their alien brethren in The Great Imperial Empire. At the time of this story, humans aren’t even treated as immigrants or second-class residents but have somehow managed to wiggle their way in unison with all the other races and even have retrospectives high up the Empire.

There was a small group of humans that were not so eager to join the Empire and a small band of isolationists settled on a small planet, trying to preserve their version of humanity.

Other humans took to pirating and plundering, stealing technology and treasures from their new alien friends.

I was going to write a story about one of the most infamous pirates in, this time, Captain James Ricardo Ginola, but then my agent phoned me and told me to write a story about one of his offspring instead.

Now at first I was thrilled with the idea, his children are all fantastic characters. I was actually surprised no one has written about them before. Then he hit me with the bombshell. I was going to be writing about his third son, Neville.

Now Neville, to be honest, was not a great man like his father, in fact, someone described him as “a pimple on humanity's ass” as well as “the most useless human who was ever conceived.” It wasn’t all bad, he did single handily (pun intended) boost the porn business to a whole new level. Comparing him to his father was like comparing a gold coin, to a used condom, and the used condom would still be more useful than Neville.

So, then I thought which story, I could only think of two of note: The one where he crashed into the emperor's ship or the one when a blob monster decided to make him his bitch. But, then I an idea started to form in my dark, perverted mind - what about the sex slave whore story? Now that was an adventure, which poor Nevil got caught up in, and although it was not really about him, it could be written from his point of view (even though it wouldn’t be the easiest story to write).

Okay, first you need a little background.

This story is about a young man called Neville Scrot. When he grew up, he longed to follow in his father's footsteps, but Neville was not destined to be a pirate, or anything, except a bum.

Now Neville or Scrotum as people called him, which is what I will call him for the remainder of this story, was the fourth illegitimate child of Captain James Ricardo Ginola. The other three had become famous in their own ways.

The eldest, Roberto, was also a famous pirate, though more feared him because of who his father was than any of his exploits. Next was his daughter Kari. She was a smuggler and a thief, taking after her mother. She was one of the few people to get one over on her father, stealing a treasure from right under his nose, but that’s another story. His second son was Captain Cal Blight of the imperial guards. He had pursued his father and elder siblings in the name of the Emperor. That leaves Scrotum.

Scrotum was the son of a prostitute, who sadly died of something very nasty when he was twelve. His mother had always told him about his famous father, plus he had heard lots of stories as he had grown up. Once he hit eighteen, he had searched out his father and asked to join his crew.

Unfortunately, it didn’t take his father long to find out that Scrotum was a terrible pirate. He passed out at the sight of his own blood, he couldn’t run due to his asthma, and he couldn’t handle alcohol. On his first and only raid, Scrotum had ended up accidentally shooting his father and captain. Adding a failure, to James Ricardo Ginola’s otherwise list of impressive strikes. It had been a real bad day!

Not only had he failed to impress his father during the raid, but on the way back to the ship, Scrotum had had an asthma attack. One of his fellow pirates had pushed him down an embankment as he huffed and wheezed. He had ended up groyne first against a long pickled cactus. He had screamed and gasped so hard, he tore his vocal cords, causing his voice to become permanently squeaky. Eventually, he was rescued by his father's first mate, who had considered leaving him behind.

Scrotum then spent the next few hours in agony while the ship's doctor fixed up his father and the rest of the raiding party before turning his attention to him.

Everyone had had a good laugh at Scrotum's expense as the doctor took his time pulling the long spines out of his ball sack. That was how he earned the nickname Scrotum. One of the pirates had made a joke that the only good thing to come from the raid was Scrotum couldn’t have any children. His father hadn’t liked that comment, but over the next few weeks he began to reconsider and had to agree.

Scrotum failed at almost every task he had been given. He flooded the engine room with radioactive fuel, flushed several containers full of booty into space and had even killed several of the crew with the catering incident. No one ate his cooking after that!

His father decided to pack him off to his Brother Dominic’s space station, with the words, “Not everyone is meant to be a famous pirate.”

These words had haunted Scrotum, and he was determined to prove to his father and the universe he had what it took.

Three years later, Scrotum found himself still living on his uncle's space station, which had been set up by his father's ill-gotten plunder. This station was a bustling port of call for the less than honest humans and other species in the known galaxy. The only reason Scrotum was still alive was that it was well known to the pirates, smugglers and thieves who used the station who Scrotum's father and uncle were.

Scrotum was still determined to prove himself, although he had made little headway.

He had tried to join his older brother's crew, but Roberto didn’t have time for Scrotum making a hurtful joke about losing his balls and shooting his captain.

Scrotum had almost given up, until one day a parcel turned up. In it he found a letter addressed to his uncle about him. Since it concerned him, he thought he'd better read it.

His eyes widened as he read. Apparently, his father had decided to retire and disappear. He had divided his fortune three ways, one to his oldest son, another to his daughter, and the last third to his uncle. As for Scrotum, there was a stipulation he would get a monthly allowance, forever.

Ginola hadn't forgotten his second son the Imperial Guard either. Ginola’s ship full of plunder and a crew of confused pirates had been gifted to him in bazaar circumstances. He had been promoted and now lived happily on Orion Six with his wife and seven children.

Scrotum envied his brothers and sister. They were all successful. His older brother and sister had several arrest warrants out on them. Scrotum was the only one not living up to his father's expectations. He smiled as he read on. His father had left him a small ship. This became Scrotum's home, and his uncle, under orders from his brother restocked it with food and fuel every month.

On Scrotum's first trip out, he had crashed the ship. “Lucky you survived,” his uncle had said, after which Scrotum had been forced to take piloting lessons. In the meantime, Dominic had repaired the ship and installed a state-of-the-art computer system, with override procedures and codes. So if the computer thought what Scrotum was doing was, “unnecessarily risky,” the ship's AI would take control. Not that Scrotum realised any of this. He thought he was a great pilot avoiding asteroids by mere inches. Plus he was very proud of his evasive manoeuvres when being fired on, which happened more than a few times as Scrotum managed to piss people off very quickly.

Scrotum was never going to be a good pirate or even a poor one. His one attempt ended up with him in jail, as Scrotum had unknowingly tried to rob a police shuttle. His uncle had paid the bail and told him to keep to the exploring and pretending he was a pirate, but please do not to attack or try to rob anyone. He wouldn’t be happy if Scrotum ended up dead, even though he had realised his life would probably be easier if he were.

Scrotum had become better at drinking.

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Now he could drink four pints and still make it back to his ship. Sadly, he wasn't so good with his money. His monthly allowance would usually only last a few days. Wasted on gambling and prostitutes most of whom just robbed him and left him watching porn.

One of the only things Scrotum could brag about was that he did have one of the best porn collections in the known galaxy.

Three months ago he had decided to up his game and spent his entire allowance on a second-hand sex-bot called “Rita Madeira Cake.” He had installed the software on the computer so it would talk dirty to him while he played with his, “New toy.” Unfortunately, he didn’t create a separate hard drive causing the sex-bot’s programming to mix with the ship's computer functions and combining with the A.I. Now it not only spoke to him in a sexy lady's voice all the time but would make sexual innuendos and favours at the most inappropriate times.

Rita was voice-activated by the word “Madeira,” but its previous owner had been a bit kinkier than Scrotum had thought. Too bad he didn’t think to ask for the safe word or the shutdown command. To his stupefaction he found himself tied up, probed, pegged, played with and electrocuted for three days. Rita had eventually run out of power, leaving a very sore and tired Scrotum wondering how he was going to get out of this mess.

As luck would have it, another pirate called Wolf found his ship adrift. After boarding, he had a good laugh at Scrotum’s predicament, then had decided to take pictures of him all tied up with Rita still attached to him, which he had put straight onto the galactic interweb.

Still laughing Wolf then stole all of Scrotum's possessions of worth as well as his provisions. Before leaving the ship, he looked at the exhausted Scrotum, stunned him and cut him loose, finally feeling a little sorry for him.

When Scrotum had awoken, he moaned piteously since his ass and nipples were in a lot of pain. He had crawled to the cockpit and pushed the autopilot to take him back to the space station. The sex-bot was sealed away in the cupboard, with the cleaning droid, and Scrotum vowed he would never say that word "Madeira" again.

On hearing some of the pitiful details his uncle had programmed a safe phrase, “Pretty, pretty please, take me home,” into the computer, meaning Scrotum could now just say the phrase and the computer would automatically activate the autopilot, and take the ship back to the station.

So there you have it Captain Neville Scrot and his Legendry adventures.

The End.

Author's Note: Oh, you want to know about the sex slave? Well then read on, trust me you won't believe your eyes.

Chapter 1. Another Usual Morning?

It started like most mornings with Scrotum awakening with a hangover. He had arrived back at the station yesterday, to collect his allowance and have the ship restocked. He couldn’t remember much about last night, and he hoped he hadn’t blown all of his money already.

His uncle had filled the food storage up with the usual pot noodles and pizzas, a bottle of mind rot whisky, and one hundred cans of triple strength larger. That would keep him going even if he had spent all the money. His fuel pods were now full, his engine core had been charged, and his laser gun repaired, as he had overloaded it shooting at rocks pretending they were enemy ships.

His ship, the SS Thrust, which he named himself, wasn’t large or fast, but it did have a few nice features. The swivel chair in the cockpit spun very quickly, and he had a state of the art cleaning droid that kept the ship clean and made his bed every morning. The guest quarters and disco room was large and could handle a decent party, not that he had ever had one. But the toilet was his favourite, having a feature that wiped his ass and having a monitor built into the door so he could sit there, watch porn and wank himself as much as he wanted, while the computer did the piloting.

The second half of the ship contained the cargo bay, cleaning cupboard, kitchen, food store, engine, and computer room. Apart to get food and beer, he didn’t go down to the second deck much, “Boring,” he used to say whenever he had to go into the engine room, as he didn’t understand much in there.

Scrotum lay there for a while. He wasn’t in his bed. There was no fluffy blanket, soft pillow or teddy bear for him to cuddle. He slowly opened his eyes, “Good morning you sexy man beast,” the computer said.

“Good morning Lilly, what time is it?” he asked the computer

“It's 11.07 am, would you like me to suck your cock?” the Lilly replied.

“If only you could,” Scrotum answered back. “What’s on today's schedule Lilly?”

“A Mister Mot wants payment for the flavoured lube you bought last month, and your uncle wishes to give the ship a once over. You make me so wet captain,” Lilly replied in a sexy voice.

Scrotum groaned. He had put off the last two ship inspections, not wanting his uncle to find out about Lilly, and he didn’t want to talk to his uncle while she spoke about massaging his balls.

Scrotum slowly sat up. To his dismay, he was still dressed, in the guest quarters with the disco ball still turned on from last night. “I must have got slaughtered,” he mumbled before he looked down at his favourite shirt. His eyes blinked several times. There was a rather large bloodstain on the front. Panic infused his foggy mind, and he suddenly felt faint as he patted himself down making sure he wasn't hurt almost stabbing himself with the bloody knife in his hand. “Aaarghh!” he screamed as he threw it in the air. He watched it fall until it landed, blade down, stabbing into a naked dead woman's body.

“Aaaarrrghhh!”

The woman was lying on her front, her head pointing to one side facing away from Scrotum, in a pool of blood. He slowly stood up and walked around the woman's body until he could see her face, “Wow she’s hot, and that ass is to die for,” he thought while rubbing his cock checking if he had gotten lucky last night soon realising that it was highly unlikely. He refocused on the woman. The fact that she was dead was probably more important. “Err, Lilly?”

“Yes, master how may I serve you,” Lilly replied seductively.

“Can you tell me who this is?” Scrotum asked feeling ashamed that he was still staring at the dead woman's ass with his hand down his pants.

“That information is not known at this time, you sexy man. Would you like me to scan her and put her genetic makeup through the galactic interweb?”

“Err please,” Scrotum replied. The door opened, and a small scanning drone flew in and hovered over the still form, several beams of light shone out of it covering it from head to toes. To scrotum it looked like a giant dragonfly, “What is that?” he asked as it landed on the dead woman.

“That is a level one scanning drone. It was designed for detailed scans and gathering information, sexy bum.”

Scrotum leant forward, looking at the drone in amazement. It did look like a huge bug. He was about to poke it when it bit into the dead body, making Scrotum jump backwards in surprise. “What the fuck is it doing now? Eating?”

“Genetic sample obtained... scanning interweb,” Lilly replied no longer sounding sexy.

“What happened to your voice, Lilly?”

“When connected to the interweb biorecognition section my primary functions are reset. Contacting local law enforcement.”

“What! No… no, no, no, no!” Scrotum screamed out, “Disconnect, disconnect!”

“Connection terminated sexy, tee hee,” Lilly responded sounding like her old self.

“Err, did you find out who she was?” Scrotum asked.

“No, but local guards have been contacted, due to the dead woman query, big boy,” Lilly replied.

“Oh fuck!” Scrotum moaned. He knew he was in trouble. He might not be the smartest, but he was aware that his fingerprints would be all over that knife that was sticking in the naked woman's back. He didn't know who she was, but she was on his ship, and her blood was on his shirt. Also, there was the matter of one hundred gigatons of illegal porn stored on his computer. “Oh fuck!” he repeated. “Can this get any worse?”

“Message from you uncle sweetie,” Lilly suddenly announced, as the comm came on.

“Scrot you there? I will be down in five minutes, want a talk with you about Lilly, and the state of the ship.”

“Oh fuck!” Scrotum repeated as he hung his head.

Chapter 2. Hide The Body

Author's Note: Nope you will have to wait till next time...

Published 
Written by treborin_
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